Catching Up On Pictures

I'm finally trying to get caught up on pictures. In the post beneath, I posted a million pictures of our trip to Germany/Spain this year. I haven't put in any comments yet. I'll try to get caught up on more pictures in the next few days from stuff like birthdays, Easter, and...dunno, random goodness.

What else do I want to write down? On Wednesday I had two good friends call me. I was so happy. No one ever calls (and I guess I hardly ever call anyone either, so there's no one to blame). It was just so nice feeling like I still had friends. It was nice getting phone calls and chatting with people.

I still am trying to figure out what makes me such an ass at times. :) I need to call my therapist and schedule an appointment, because I think it would be helpful to work with someone else through my strong reactions to some things, why I resist certain things (like stuff where I know rationally that it's not as big of a deal, or where I know I should be nicer/behave differently, but there is this huge inner resistance, almost like an inner temper tantrum?), and how I can maybe handle some of my issues in a more mature, productive manner.

I definitely want to be nicer to people. I know it's so important to act with charity and kindness. I totally believe that every person is fighting their own battles, and if we could only really understand where everyone is coming from, what's making them who they are, etc. we'd have so much more compassion. I want to be compassionate. I want to be kind and patient. But often I'm just loud and opinionated, and in shouting out my thoughts on the faults and ills and injustices of the world, I trample over 20 people right in front of me. :(

I think I honestly need to work on listening better. Much better. Much much better. Like, waiting till someone is really done speaking, even if I feel like I know what they are going to say. Or even if I know I'll hate what they say. I had an online discussion where someone mentioned using a lot of questions when having discussions. I loved that. Asking lots of questions makes people feel like you care about what they have to say. It also helps you clarify and really understand where they're coming from. I want to try and do that more.

Part of why I'm often such a poor listener is probably part how I've grown up (I think I had to learn to talk over a lot of people to be heard) and part that sometimes I feel like my mind goes a million miles a minute when I'm in a discussion. Someone says something, and half-way into what they're saying I'm having 20,000 thoughts on what they're saying, and it just all bursts out, and then even as I talk I have more thoughts rushing out, and ...Dunno. It's like I really struggling with reigning in the overload of ideas and thoughts etc. Like if I don't get it all out, it'll be gone, or I won't have a chance to share it?

Anyway, I'm sure Ms. Therapist can help me make a bit more sense of why MY ideas and thoughts need to be shared to urgently, and why I can't take a deep breath, and lighten up, and let some things (lots of things) slide, and just listen more to others, and whatever, take a breather in general about life. It's probably not all always as serious/urgent as it appears to me?

Confessions

Ok. I'll admit it here and now. Life is crazy right now.  I think I've been in denial for a while, but I just feel...overwhelmed, and completely out of balance.

Emilia has definitely pushed us into new territory in terms of parenthood. Suddenly, taking care of kids, and the house seems a relentless job, that's always needing attention. I feel pushed to choose between order, and paying attention to my children's needs (something I struggle with), and taking care of my own needs. It's been hard.

In short, I feel like my life is unraveling somehow. I struggle with my weight. I struggle with eating healthy. I struggle with getting enough rest. I struggle with giving my kids enough attention. I struggle with teaching them all the things I want to teach them. I struggle with getting exercise. I struggle with working on developing myself. Henry and I struggle finding time for just the two of us. And lastly, I struggle with Church.

I'm sure I'm missing some struggles, but that would just be another struggle, right?

Oooophh. I used to write for sanity. Now I don't even feel like I have the energy and/or desire to write. Yet, I want to capture what is happening in our lives. I want to capture my kids, and their lives. Because, crazy as it all feels right now, I love them. Dearly. Deeply. Emilia has stopped crying as much. She's been rolling over. She's has the biggest and cutest and most ready smiles on her face most of the time. Alba is full of songs, and words, and is wild and independent, and loves horses and sheep. Sophia is curious and always eager to learn, and to meet new friends. Alba and Sophia are both kind and helpful. We do a lot of family trips. Things are good. And yet, I just feel tired and overwhelmed. Ooophhh.

But, I didn't want to write about family today. I wanted to write about Church. It's been on my mind, a lot. And for years now. So, here are my religious confessions. My testimony isn't the same it was a few years ago. I'm not sure anymore what it is these days, but it has changed a lot.

A few years ago, things started changing. I had heard quite a few stories about/from friends about how they were treated by various Church leaders. It wasn't just friends though, it was also family. Some of the stuff was just "wrong" while other stuff was "really wrong". It came coupled with friends leaving the Church (good friends, honest friends, faithful friends who had served missions and had been active their whole lives), and rode on the back of having had my best friend leave the Church years before, with lots of tears, and hurt feelings, saying no one ever looked into Church history and no one understood. I didn't know what she was talking about, but I said, I'd look. And I did...and started reading more about polygamy, one of the topics that bothered her the most (I think). And when I was done, I was deeply troubled as well. Something had already changed back then. I felt back then that Joseph Smith must have made a mistake with all the polygamy stuff. I just couldn't believe it was off God. And if it wasn't God's will, then Joseph Smith messed up. And that day, my beliefs about prophets changed. I technically never believed prophets to be infallible. Our doctrine is clear that all men can/will make mistakes. The scriptures are full of examples. Yet, somehow, I still held the notion that at least the high-up leaders, like, apostles and prophets, cannot really make any major mistakes. Just tiny ones. Just itty-bitty sins of omission or something.

When I started hearing story after story of misconduct by leaders, it kept grating at me, and really made me feel like inspiration is a hit-and-miss matter. That prophets, apostles, seventies, and local leaders MAY be inspired, but not necessarily so. Some things are true. And some things are just personal opinion and bad or out-dated advice/views.

Anyway, basically, I started thinking more about Church, about Church culture, what is actual doctrine, and what's just tradition. I've read more and more about Church history, past teachings, and current teachings...and wow. It's like I've opened pandora's box of religion, or something.

The funny thing is that as my views and beliefs have kind of changed, and evolved, I've not really dared say much about it. Almost 2 years ago, I posted something on this blog about how priesthood leaders can be bad. A ward members (not a friend) somehow read the post, and passed it on to my then bishop. Without me knowing it, my bishop started reading my blog, and another blog I had started. He also tried to assess my testimony, without letting me know though that he had been informed about my blog by a member who was troubled by  my views on the priesthood. When I arrived in my new ward, and had a temple recommend interview with my new bishop, I was called back into his office a few weeks after. What followed then was one of the most awful Church experiences of my life. My bishop called me and Henry in. We thought we'd get a new calling or something, but my Bishop started asking me whether I still had a blog under this address. I confirmed it, but was confused as to why he'd know about this, and why he'd ask about it. Within seconds I was "on trial". Literally. My bishop told me that he had called my old bishop, that he told him about this blog, and his concerns, and my new bishop suggested that he may have to take my recommend because I had been lying. All the while, I sat there, in shock, with no clue what he was talking about, what I had supposedly lied about, and just in general what the hell was going on. No one had EVER talked to me about what was going on. Henry also just sat there stunned.

It took quite a bit of talking to set the matter right. I called my old bishop, who admitted that maybe he should have talked to me about it, but who did not feel that listening to the tattling of a ward member was inappropriate. No. He said it was all done out of love and concern. Of course.

The reason I share this is because this experience for the first time let me see what it's like when you're being mistreated by a leader. It was the weirdest thing. I barely dared to tell any members, because I was afraid of being seen as the one in the wrong, that I MUST have somehow contributed to being treated this way, or maybe, that this wasn't as big of a deal. When I told a non-member they were shocked I was putting up with such crap, and that anyone would dare treat someone like that over something private like a blog post.

This experience has only cemented my dwindling trust in Church leaders. Add to that, having had major, MAJOR problems with our ward primary president since we've gotten here, and having been chewed out by the Bishop over the issues as well when I tried to bring them to him for resolution.

So, ...what was my point again? I don't know. The truth is that I have very little trust in Church leaders anymore. I really don't. I've met kind, good leaders who truly seek to serve, and who I'm sure seek inspiration. And I've seen the opposite. I've realized that no matter what office anyone holds, inspiration is not a given. And I need to seek truth independently. Whatever someone says, I need to verify that that is true or not.

As I've tried to do that, and as I've read and pondered the gospel more, tried to understand doctrine and culture, I've learned a lot. I've learned muchmuchmuch about those who feel disaffected with the Church. I've learned more about we push  people out of the Church with our dogmatic approach to just about everything. We seem to always be threatened by anyone who doesn't fit the mold, who expressed unorthodox views, and who doesn't do as everyone else does.

Realizing that has been hard. And painful. I participated in something called "Wear Pants to Church" day (google it, if you haven't heard of it). It was just about wearing pants to Church for one Sunday. You'd think something as trivial as the clothing on the lower part of my body would hardly matter. I wore pants to Church for that day, nice dress pants...no one said anything and yet, I found out later, the whole ward has been talking about my pant-wearing ways.

I've started to see...see how much time and thought we dedicate to what people wear, whether they wear skirts or pants, white shirts or not, whether they have just one pair of ear-rings or more. It's like we're getting caught up in rules, and details that have no impact on our Salvation. Mostly, because we take stuff prophets say, and run with the obvious as if it's Gospel truth. Without thought. Without discernment as to whether it's advice, opinion or doctrine.

Ok. I'm rambling. I realize it. But it's just all coming out, and I want to talk about this. I want to talk about how strange it is how we do all these things in Church, some of them we don't even know why. I mean, for example, paying tithing. It seems like some known fact that a "full" tithe is 10% of your income either right after taxes, or before taxes were taken out. Really? How do we know that? There are some scriptures, but those scriptures don't teach that concept. If there are statements from prophets, where are those? How come they're not canonized or easily accessible, considering that paying a full-tithe is something I need to do to enter the temple (something deeply important for my salvation, right?).

I...I don't even know where to start. It's like I've opened the flood-gates of questions. There is so much that doesn't make sense to me anymore. There is so much that still makes complete sense to me. There is so much I believe the same as I've always believed. And much that has changed.

But the reason why I share all this is that the crappiest part of all of this has been feeling like an outcast. Like an apostate - because back in the day, when I heard others share some of the things I'm thinking about, I'd always think of them as apostates. I remember my best friend making a comment to me (before she left the Church) about stuff that bothered her about Brigham Young. And I teasingly called her an apostate. Because...our leaders are always right, correct? Clearly, if you have any doubts, any questions about the Church, that's the only thing you can be.

It hurts so much. And it's felt so terribly lonely. Because, I haven't really changed. I just went to the temple last month. We still pray. We still do FHE. We still go to Church every Sunday. We still read our scriptures. I teach in RS. Nothing is really different. And yet, it feels like everything is. And feeling alone, like you can't say it, because everyone always assumes something is wrong with YOU, just sucks.

I saw this clip a few weeks ago. It's really cheesy (because, that's just what you get when Mormons makes little movies), and I don't like the ending (because, happy endings aren't always what happens), but when Henry and I watched, we still kind of sat there, and felt like this was a pretty good rendition of our situation.

Watch the clip here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=nR3uxbxRUz8

And...now I've said it. And there's much more I could say as I've thought and pondered my faith and our doctrines. Like, I think women should be ordained to the priesthood. And that I'll continue wearing pants to Church, unless I feel like wearing a skirt. And I've worn pants to the temple. And I now consider myself a feminist. And that I think we can do so much more to create equality within the church. And that we should. And that I feel it matters.

Read this http://boydpetersen.com/2013/03/21/fourteen-years-later-a-response-to-the-priesthood-mens-last-best-hope/ and this http://www.fairlds.org/fair-conferences/2012-fair-conference/2012-to-do-the-business-of-the-church-a-cooperative-paradigm on the topics of equality within the Church.

I could talk about so much more that I don't feel so sure anymore to be "gospel truth". I could also talk about how I'm not so sure I've got it right, how daunting and overwhelming it is to feel responsible for getting your personal answer on every thing you hear and should act on. Being an authentic person, who acts with purpose and integrity, and tries to really find truth and act accordingly...it's a bit scary sometimes. And so I'm sure I get things wrong. Even worse, going against the grain, going against the status quo, even if you truly feel it's right is not easy. It makes you doubt yourself, and your answers and feelings.

So, again it sucks. And even suckier is the thought that I may post this, and still a lot of my friends may not really get what I'm talking about. Or feel uncomfortable, and withdraw from me...

Life is tricky these days. How did I get here?

Chicken Farming

At last - my post about chicken farming. Basically, I just had to make sure I didn't let the experience of raising chickens go undocumented.

When we got here to Burney, we had a couple from the ward, who had to move a few months after we came. They happened to have 4 chickens, and they couldn't take them with them. Henry had been wanting to raise chickens before (the way he's been wanting to raise a cow for milk, a sheep for milk, and a goat for who knows what), and he jumped at the opportunity. For only $40 we could have the 4 chickens, the coup, any left-over feed, any supplies they had, and...we took them.

Henry arranged for an agreement with his dad that he'd provide the fencing we'd need for our little back-yard chicken area, and we'd take care of the chickens, and share the eggs they'd lay.

By the time we could pick up the chickens, however, only 2 were left. The other 2 got eaten by "something". Oh well. Two is better than none. But it turned out that the one chicken stopped laying once it got moved to our house. So, we basically only had one chicken laying eggs, and we decided that 6 eggs a week weren't worth all the hassle. Thus, Henry set out to get more chickens.

In May, he picked up 2 chickens that were supposedly 10 weeks old. Egg-laying chickens don't lay eggs until they're about 6 months old or so. So, we still had to wait on our eggs for a while, but at least we were expanding the flock. You also need to know that you cannot just add an uneven number of chickens to an "old herd". Chickens can be sort of, urm, cliquish, and they'll peck the newcomers if they're not matching them in number. So, we had to get at least 2. But, before you knew it (I think 2-3 days into it), one of the new chickens had disappeared. Henry thought it had somehow gotten outside the fencing, and gotten lost. No prob - he quickly bought 2 more chickens (also about 10 weeks old), and voila - we had a nice crowd of chickens now (5 total, in case you can't keep track of the numbers).

The non-laying old chicken, however, was a meanie and harrassed the newbies. Thus, we cast her out of the chicken area, and let her just roam free in the back yard. Well, "we" wouldn't be correct. Henry let her. I didn't mind at first, but when she started pecking the windows on the door to the back yard, and would poop right in front of it (thus occasionally having the kids step into bird poop when going outside) - I was getting less enthused about that free-range chicken of ours. I wanted her gone. Henry didn't know how to slaughter a chicken though, and so we just hoped to find someone who'd take her. I hung up a sign, but no luck. Time passed.

One Sunday, we got home from Church, and...meanie chicken was gone. We couldn't find her anywhere. We couldn't find a trace of her. And she didn't return at night. We'd tried before for her to 'just get lost'. But somehow she'd always come back at night and wander into her little cage ( chickens roost at night, which means they want to come somewhere inside/sheltered and hop on a bar or something and sleep?). I was so happy we had finally resolved the pooping, wandering free-range chicken issue.  But my happiness wouldn't last.

A few days later, another chicken disappeared. And it happened to be the only one who was laying eggs at the time. That didn't make me happy. And now our flock of chickens had dwindled from 5 to 3 in just a few days. Chicken No. 2 also disappeared without any signs, so we started to wonder if some hawk or something was snatching the chickens out of their area. We started paying better attention, and actually closing the coop at night. But a week later, when we had forgotten to close the coop, we were only greeted by 2 chickens in the morning.

Arghhhhhh....months of feeding those silly chickens, getting basically no eggs, buying more chickens, and...now we were basically back to square one. It was so frustrating. But hey, we still had our 2 chickens.

Then one morning, when I walked over to Henry's parents' house, past our 2 chickens, I heard a sound. A sound that I wasn't supposed to hear if I ever wanted to get eggs out of those chickens - I heard a crow. A rooster crow. And the crowing sound came very clearly from our chicken coop.

Yup, our one little hen was a rooster. Fantastic. NOT! Those rooster are so loud. Chickens don't really make any noise at all, but that freakin' rooster would wake up the kids every morning with his crow. Alba would start crowing back from her bed early in the morning and silly stuff like that (ok, that part was actually pretty cute). Henry wouldn't believe it at first. He insisted it was a hen, and that she'd only get excited in the morning when he opened the coop and got some food. Sure, Henry. That huge, strutting, feather-fluffing, aggressive, fighting hen with a huge comb on its head that happens to crow early in the morning when the sun gets up is ONLY excited to see you...I named the rooster "Henry's Little Hen", because, ya know..

So, there we were. Months later. Still no eggs. Lots of dead chicken of which we got to eat none, and we were down to 1 hen and a rooster. We were getting a bit tired of trying to raise chickens. It seems a lot easier to just spend 3 bucks at the store and buy a dozen eggs or so than going through all this hassle. But we still had that one chicken. For maybe a week. Then, one night, Henry and I both woke up in the middle of the night because we heard these crazy loud noises coming from the back yard. Henry ran out in a dash...but he was too late. Something had taken the last chicken.

And the rooster was literally the last man standing. I was done. So, when a guy from Church was over at Henry's parents house and said he'd know someone who'd take the rooster, I didn't think twice.

I figured we were done with chicken farming. I was done. But Henry is not one to throw in the towel after going "only" through about 8 chickens. A few weeks ago, he bought more. 3 little chickens, which the owner guaranteed are not roosters, or we can bring them back. We put them in the coop, and the next morning...we were already down to two. Henry was ready to rip out his hair, and I could only laugh.

However, it turned out that we only were dealing with an esacpee. This chicken has gotten out a few times by now and roamed around. I've named her "Houdini" since. As of now, we still have all 3 chickens. They're also younger ones, so they won't lay for a few more months. But, at least they're still alive. However, after watching them for a few weeks now, Henry, his mom and I have a sneaky feeling, we've got another rooster in the mix. Again.

We'll know when we hear the first crow. So, if you're trying to figure out whether it's worth raising chickens...don't ask me. Their manure is great for gardening. The kids love the chickens, and they're actually (to my own surprise), sort of fun and cute little back yard friends. And if you can keep them alive, those fresh eggs may be a real perk. I just wouldn't know about that...yet.

It's OK to Leave Comments

So, my blog used to be this place with crazy long discussions and comments. Fun times. Now it's mostly for myself. And the 60+ people who wanted to read it.

Did I say that I like comments? Ok, I know I just implied it, but I do. I love it when you have something to say. So say something, ok. No pressure. Just a wee bit of guilt, and some begging. You can still choose to not leave a comment, but you could choose to leave one.

Maybe I need to just get interesting again. I'm contemplating bringing the controversial side of me back here, now that's it's all private again. I just set the blog to private because I noticed someone from India checking out my blog and looking twice at the picture of Alba's naked-y little tush. I didn't like that, so I made it private.

Anyway, I have goals of writing a post about my goals for this year. I also wanted to write up a review of last year, with all the fun, crazy, hard, sad and good times. But then we just get busy with chasing after kids, playing in the snow, keeping the house tidy, skyping with family, or sitting in front of the fireplace at Henry's parents house...there is no time left. My life is so hard (not).

Actually, I think I'm just not back yet into my organized groove, where everything just flows right. One of these days.

The "Controversial" Blog Is UP!

If you said that you wanted to read it, you should have gotten an email or a comment on your blog. If you want to read it and haven't said anything yet, speak up now. If we don't actually know each other, you may want to email me or something so I can pass on the address to you. My email is frannyval at yahoo com.

Anyway, I wanted to write all kinds of stuff, but it's late. I didn't sleep much last night, because I'm alone with the kids right now. Henry is on a week-long trip to WA/OR, and we're stranded at home. I get really scared at night alone, and so instead of enjoying a huge bed all to myself, I cower in fear, afraid of intruders, and not sleeping well. I have a hammer next to my bed - just in case.

So, my point is that I'm tired, and don't feel like writing. Life is good though. And I sure won't "retreat". I'll just keep being me, and keep trying to follow the Spirit and be as Christlike as I can be. And that's really all I can do and all that I'm asked to do. So there - take THAT Relief Society. :) Hahahaha...

Week of Suck

So, I've decided to declare this week a sucky one. Here's why in no particular order:

• Famine in Somalia causing lots of deaths, in particular children - it really bothers me because I don't even have to think about water/food or my kids starving. I can waste food as I see fit, and no one will look at me twice for it. And someone else has to bury their kids because they don't have water. Seems a little unfair.
• Horrible horrible shooting in Norway. Just horrible. The reason: fear of immigrants. The shooter was a right-wing extremist, and went on a major shooting spree on an isle with youth who were there for a political camp (trying to engage in the political process - aka being productive!). Crazy. And such a tragedy.
• My grandpa died. Ok, he was 96 and so, ya know...it's ok. But still.
• My little nephew was diagnosed with cerebral palsy. :( 
• Sophia scared the crap out of me when she ran into the pool without any of her floating devices, in full faith that she could swim. She totally went under, and I was running to pull her out. All was well (she promptly apologized when I pulled her out), but seeing her face stare up at me from under the water haunted me for days.
• We're trying to get Henry out to Portland to look at practices, and everything is costing so much more than I thought - flights, car rental, etc. Urgh. I hate having to worry about money. Why doesn't it grow on trees. So lame.
• Speaking of money, the US government still hasn't been able to come to a conclusion on their debt problems. Geeze. How is this possible? How, I ask? Even Italy has done better.

On the other hand...

A Side Note

I've been reading the "Mormon Women Project" website today. If you haven't looked at it, you should. It's truly inspirational and uplifting. It was a great thing to read today. Our RS lesson today made me want to barf. But, reading these amazing stories of real, whole women and their relationship with God, really touched me.

I can only say what I realized a few weeks ago. I need to learn to love others, and accept that they are maybe somewhere else than me spiritually. It kind of makes me crazy to hear a lot of the black-and-white thinking that goes on in Church, and especially to hear some of the ideas that just make no sense to me or are contradictory in themselves. It drives me nuts. But, I humbly admit that it was only due to recent developments that I have noticed those things, or that I've dug a little deeper into some aspects of the gospel. With all the crazy-making going on for me right now though, I truly love how much more compelled I feel to study, pray and think about the gospel. To truly assess what I know to be true and what I truly believe. To rely on the spirit more completely than ever, and to live and teach based on my personal relationship with God.

It's like a spiritual revival. I like it. But, I still have to learn to deal with some of the things I hear in Church. And that's why I rant in other places. I try to not explode in Church, because I shouldn't. But, then I feel like if I don't "explode" somewhere, I'll go crazy. Makes sense, right?

And then it broke...

Our computer broke. It's totally dead. And Henry and I are sitting in the library, to look for a new one online. I'm pretty bummed that computer only lasted 2.5 years, but oh well. Anyway, I don't know how people live without the internet? It's been only 24-hours and I feel like I'm going crazy.

I'm also bummed because I wanted to write this longlonglong post on Sunday about one million thoughts I had on my mind that I really needed to get off my brain and onto paper, I mean vast cyber space. But, Henry wanted to spend time with me (how dare he), and then the computer died. And the library just doesn't lend itself to those kind of things. So, it has to wait until our new puter is coming next week...NEXT WEEK! people...I really don't know how I'll make it, but I have a feeling it'll be a good change.

See you then. In the mean time, you'll have to call if you want to know how we're doing.

First Ever Give-Away

I've got something to give away. Aren't you all excited??? See, today is Henry's last day of school, and Alba rolled over for the first time yesterday, Sophia said "just kidding" a few days ago, I've been running more,  and it's summer, and life is good, and I figured I should share some of the happiness. So, I'm giving away a baby dress/shirt. Honestly, I'm giving it away because it ain't my thing. And I don't even really know what it is, but it's kind of shirt or dress. Size 12 months I'd guess, but I think it'd work as a shirt for a bigger girl. Dunno - it doesn't have a size. The dress is in perfect condition (no tears, stains or anything) and I just got it as a gift from my mom. Here is a picture.

So there it is...Here are my requirements of participation. You have to leave one thoughtful comment somewhere on a post. Go browse a bit, read some old posts or recent posts or whatever, and leave a comment that required more effort than typing "great post" or something. I don't care if your comment is positive or negative (try not to be mean though), just thoughtful. Then leave a comment on this post that you fulfilled the requirement. One week from today (June 10) I'll draw a winner and announce it on my blog. I'd then ask the winner for their contact information so I can send the dress. That's it. Simple, right?

Now I'm just curious to see if anyone even cares about getting this dress. :) So, spread the word and have a Happy weekend.

The Weaker Sex

During our 3-hour dinner at the Melting Pot on Thursday, Henry and I talked about fun memories we've had together. We talked about our many fun bike rides together, and then I remembered this story - the story of the weaker sex. I thought I should share.

One time Henry and I were biking the Provo Canyon trail (Henry on his cool road bike, me on my slow mountain bike). It was a lovely day, and we had a good time. I enjoyed watching Henry's rear as he was, as always a bit ahead of me going 'slow' so I could keep up. Suddenly, some old dude passed me on his fancy road bike, and then caught up to Henry. I could see him say something to Henry, and then saw him disappear. Henry now slowed down dramatically and I caught up with him. When I was next to Henry, he told me that the old bike dude had said something about me being behind because I was the weaker sex (I can't recall exactly what the guy said, but in essence he called me the weaker sex). And that did it. No one calls me weaker anything, especially not weaker sex, so I told Henry to meet me at the end of the trail, but that I'd step it up a notch to get my weaker sex body to pass the old dude on his bike and show him how fast the weaker sex can go. Phhhhhhh...So, fuming I sped off on my bike, giving it my all. Now, you need to know, that I wasn't a bad biker or anything. I'd bike fairly regularly, and overall was in pretty good shape. So, I felt pretty sure that I could catch up to that lame old dude, even though he was on a road bike and I was on my mountain bike. At some point, I could see him ahead of me, and so I kept biking like a maniac, trying to catch up. When it happened - the weaker sex gene kicked in. Suddenly I couldn't breathe anymore. My whole throat seemed to be constricted, and I was gasping frantically for air. I think it was an asthma attack, but I wouldn't know since I don't actually have asthma and never had anything like this happen before or since. Defeated, I had to stop, and try to not pass out because I couldn't breathe. When Henry caught up with me I was still gasping for air, unable to breathe properly, so Henry wasn't sure whether he should laugh that I furiously tried to catch up to some guy because he called me 'the weaker sex' or if he should be worried about my breathing. I think he chose to be concerned about my breathing...

Anyway, the moral of this story is that if some biker calls you the weaker sex, don't waste your energy on trying to catch up with him. Instead, bike back to your car, drive to the end of the trail, wait for the biker, and then punch him in the face when he least suspects it. Oh, and don't call me 'the weaker sex'. :)

At Our House

 The other day I asked Sophia if she knew where my glasses are (she likes to play with them). She said she did, and led me to the fridge. She said she put them there for "safe keeping". Haha...Thanks Sophia.

 Our little party for Henry's birthday

 Sophia in her cheerio-robot costume...I'm trying to remember how she said "robot". It was some cute mix between the English and German word, but I can't remember. Oh well.

 Lest anyone think we don't include our children in everything we do...

 Henry likes to take pictures of himself early in the morning. Who doesn't?

The cutest 2 girls I know. Thanks for the shirts, Danelle!

Sweet Justice - Or Not...

I was getting all excited watching the local news tonight. They mentioned something about a Goddard Daycare being evicted, so I had to watch. Turned out, it's the very one I worked at a couple of years ago - the one I so very much hated, because the owner was some crappy, evil man who exploited his staff, the kids and everyone else crossing his path. So, I was of course, unrighteously so, thrilled by these news of bad things happening to those who've wronged me. Except, just now when I was looking into finding a link to an article on this, I found out that the dude isn't even the owner anymore. Maybe that means that bad things have happened to him before that, without me knowing. But, I suspect that he just sold the school at the right time. Bleh. That put a damper on it all for me. Maybe it's time to forgive the man, but alas - I'm not ready for that yet. I'm still wishing for him to at least trip and fall on his ugly face.

And did I mention that I think daycare is evil?

P.S. Today was a good day by the way. Sophia was sweet. Alba was happy, and we all got plenty of sleep. :)

A Love Poem - by Henry

Henry wrote me this poem. I thought I'd share. It makes me feel so happy and loved. And I think anyone would if their husbands wrote them a nice poem like that.


You don't think it's possible that I love you.
Each day I try to show that just isn't true.

I kiss you and hug you and tease you a lot.
It's the cheap kind of love that I give on the spot.

I know you don't like it, and I forget all the time,
But teasing you means that I'm glad you're mine.

I'm glad of the first time I kissed you good-night.
And held your hands behind me ever so tight.

I was nervous, I think, and maybe you too.
I'm glad that I risked it and now I have you.

I love going hiking, or biking or reading.
With you I love everything - especially eating.

I love going for walks or just holding your hand,
or snuggling real close, not a word being said.

Of course, I like winning, no matter the game,
But of course when you win, I like it the same.

I like helping you cook, doing just what you say,
Even if for most of it I just get in the way.

I like being with you when you are so sad,
I like feeling I'm good at lessening the bad.

I'm glad that I need you and that you need me, too.
We make each other better, whatever we do.

I'd really be lost if you died in the night.
I'd really miss you the rest of my life.

I love all of our good times and all of our bad.
All of them are the best times I've had.

I realize I may be biased, but I think I have the greatest husband in the world. I love you, Henry. And I really like the last line of his poem:" I love all of our good times, and all of our bad. All of them are the best times I've had." I agree.

Lost

I was reading some random blogs the other day, and realized I had lost something. Well, at least I think I have - my posts aren't funny anymore. Ok, maybe they never were funny to begin with, but I thought they were, once upon a time. Now, I feel like I'm just one of the many boring (sorry) Mommy bloggers, just writing about our family life. Which I guess is nice, but ya know - it's lacking some spice. What happened? It's like I've run out of funny stories to tell...Maybe that's what happens when you're headed for 40?

Then again, why I wouldn't I want to waste my time on endless posts about the cutest kid I know. Maybe my posts aren't funny anymore, but Sophia is plenty funny to me.

Germany or USA?

A friend on facebook just asked if after 10 years or so, I haven't gotten over the 'Everything is better in Germany' stage. Good question. I don't think so, but it just gave me an idea for a post. So, for everyone's personal enjoyment, I thought I'd make a list of "stuff" and then declare a winner for each category. Mainly, I'll state whether I think Germany or the US is doing better in that area. For the sensitive readers, please note that this is supposed to be nothing but my own opinion and not gospel truth, nor is everything necessarily 100 percent serious. Ok? So, in no particular order:

1. Drivers: GERMANY - clearly!
2. Food (overall): Germany
3. Men: USA
4. Women: Germany
5. Sports (soccer and horseback riding excluded): USA
6. Soccer and horseback riding: Germany
7. The great outdoors: USA
8. Pedestrian/bike paths: Germany
9. Roads: Germany
10. Being Green (environmental awareness): Germany
11. Overall healthiness: Germany
12. Health care services: Germany
13. Public education: Germany
14. College education: USA
15. Voting: Germany
16. Civic involvement: USA
17. Customer Service: USA
18. Affordability (of almost anything): USA
19. Quality (of pretty much anything): Germany
20. Language ability: Germany
21. Critical thinking: Germany
22. Friendliness/Politeness: USA
23. Honesty: Germany
24. Racism (as in not being racist): USA
25. General World Knowledge: Germany
26. Public bathrooms: Germany
27. Public smoking: USA
28. Family services (companies): USA
29. Family services (government): Germany
30. Diversity: USA
31. Architecture: GERMANY!!!
32. Progressiveness (household appliances only): Germany
33. Glamor: USA
34. Natural Beauty: Germany :)
35. Violence: USA - meaning the USA has more overall violent crimes!
36. Marriage: USA
37. Religion: USA
38. Friends: USA - since most of my friends are either American or from other European countries...but those few German friends are definitely precious :)
39. Movies: USA
40. Music: USA
41. History (general): Germany
42. History (political): both lose
43. Debt (handling it wisely): Germany
44. Sense of Responsibility: Germany
45. Sense of Community: Germany
46. Sense of Individual Rights: USA
47. Safety: Germany
48. Christmas: Germany
49. Chocolate: Germany
50. Science: USA
51. Church (Mormon Church): Germany
52. Showers: Germany
53. Renting: USA
54. Interior Design: Germany
55. Swimwear: USA
56. Public Transportation: Germany
57. Recycling: Germany
58. Airport Security: Germany
59. Military Force: USA
60. Better Looking Presidents/Chancellors: USA
61. Natural Disaster Risks: Germany (as in it has very few if any risks for natural disasters such as tornados, earthquakes etc.)
62. City Development: Germany
63. Access to Government (as in finding the buildings, resources etc.): Germany
64. Choice: USA
65. Volunteerism: USA
66. Pre-school: Germany
67. Taxes: USA
68. Free Stuff: USA
69. Manners: Germany
70. Tolerance: USA
71. Land size: USA (Henry's suggestion)
72. Opening Hours: USA (mostly - I do prefer that almost everything is closed in Germany on Sundays)
73. Shopping: USA (I hate malls, but I think overall there are more stores here and better prices, and hello - OUTLET malls!!!)
74. Eating Out: USA (Germany wins for me only in the area of quality, USA has more free food, diversity, availability and affordability in this area, though the usual lack of quality makes me almost want to give this one to Germany...)
75. Vacation: Germany

Any categories you'd like me to rate? Anyway, I think I counted 39 out of 70 things going in favor of Germany. So, I guess I just established my bias. But no one can accuse me of not seeing ANYTHING good about the USA. I do. I just see more in Germany. Hahaha...

Goals for 2011

We just read what my sis-in-law's goal was for 2011, which reminded me to record my aspirations for the year. Henry  just informed me that his goal for this year is to become an optometrist. Great goal. He better reach it or else. Anyway, I've been trying to set simple goals in the last few years to help me slowly reach bigger goals. And it's been working pretty well for me. So, for this year, other than surving the last few months of having Henry sweat and dread through school, I hope to keep improving in the 3 areas I've been focusing on in the last few years.

1. In the last years we've worked on attending the temple more regularly, and then reading our scriptures daily. I'm glad that we've really improved, and thankfully started to make those things more of habits again. This year, I think I need to really focus on prayer.
2. In the last 2 years we've worked in first reducing meat consumption, and then trying to basically cut out red meat completely. We've done fairly well. I think. I've only actually bought red meat 3-4 times this year, eating burgers on road-trips excepted. Hopefully, no red meat at all this coming year. However, what I really want to do is also make sure that the animal products we still buy (be that milk, cheese, poultry, or whatever) comes from sustainable, responsible local farms. Cost has been one major factor that has held me back from this in the past, along with simple convenience. But, as our income will hopefully change for the better this year, I hope that I can make improvements in this area.
3. I want to train for a full marathon this year. I'm not sure how achievable it is to actually be ready to participate in one in the fall, but that's what I'm shooting for - to run it, and hopefully turn it into a fundraiser. Last year Henry rode the Pelotonia to raise money for cancer research. My sis-in-law pointed out that if she had money to donate it'd have to be for either diabetes research or HLHS. So, if I'm fit and ready, I'll try and run to raise money for HLHS research. HLHS is a heart defect my nephew suffers from. Google it to learn more about it. It's not really curable unless you get a heart-transplant, though there are surgeries now that increase your life expectancy, I think, from more or less 0 without the surgeries to about 15-20 years with the surgeries. After that, for all I know, you still need a transplant.

That's it. Those are my specific goals for the year. There always will be the daily goals of being patient, forgiving, kind, and appreciative, and enjoying each moment with my kid(s) and husband...but those are a given, right?

Bottom 11 of 2011

Here's a list of the 11 bad things already happening this year in no particular order:

1. I can't really go running anymore. My body has decided it's time to 'slow' down.
2. I got out my nursing bras from a few years ago, just to notice they were all broken. When I tried to order new ones online, I had to find out that there was nothing available in my size, since I'm not as fat as last time, but still as big-busted. Sweet. Ok, I admit there were a few 'rocket-boob-bra' options, but really? Aren't we way past that style?
3. Since Henry, by no fault of his own, couldn't start seeing patients right away at his current rotation, the lady in charge of him now doesn't really want to give him off his 3 days he's entitled to during the quarter, which he saved for when the baby comes. Lame!
4. The TSA still exists, along with all their retarded security measures. Blehblehbleh!
5. My Nutella jar is empty.
6. My aunt passed away New Year's Day. I'm glad for her to be relieved after fighting cancer, but I wish I could have seen her one more time. She was a great aunt.
7. The cigarette smoke in our apartment is spreading, despite an air purifier and us duck-taping off any cracks. I now almost regularly lay down my head in a whiff of cigarette smoke (creeping up from our down-stair neighbors). 
8. We didn't finish reading the Book of Mormon by the end of the year, as was the goal for our stake, and I don't even feel bad. I figured the blessings come from reading the scriptures, not cramming them in, within a certain time-frame. I therefore felt like the testimony scrooge on Sunday when I heard all the testimonies about having finished the BoM by the end of the year.
9. I still need two crowns, a potential root canal, and maybe surgery, and I have to wait till baby is born. Somehow it just stresses me out to have to take care of all that with a newborn.
10. My blog must have died and gone to heaven. Or all my readers, since no one has really been commenting anymore. Have I gotten that boring?
11. I found out that an old friend from BYU got cancer. She's only 30 and the mom of 3 little kids, so this makes me really sad that she has to fight this. Hopefully she'll beat it, and beat it good.

P.S. Don't worry though, folks. This won't be a trend. I just thought I'd make a list, too.

The Latest

Here is the promised up-date/picture post. Ok, let's start with the car. We finally got a second car.  So far, we've managed sharing the car, but the 1 car option was seriously about to expire for us (due to Henry's rotations) - unfortunately. I wouldn't mind staying a 1 car family, but since we live in American which means basically not being able to get anywhere by foot, bike or public transportation, we were running out of options.

Anyway, we looked around for a good deal, and a car that would accommodate 2 kids at least, plus more in the future. I hate to say it, but we got a minivan :). Since I didn't want to deal with a crappy American car that poops out at 100,000 miles, we decided it's gotta be a Honda or Toyota, but all the sedans for our size were as expensive or more than a minivan, which lead us to looking into the minivans. We found a great deal on a 2002 Honda Odyssey, and that's what we got. We bought it private and the owners have taken meticulous care of the car. Anything that could break has been recently replaced, and the mileage was under 100K. I've really been enjoying my new freedom, I have to say. And Sophia has just been amazed by the automatic sliding doors. It's fun. However, those minivans really are ridiculously huge. I've driven minivans in Germany, but I really think the ones here in the US are bigger. Maybe I'm wrong, but I didn't feel like driving a boat when I drove those minivans in Germany...Well, here's a picture of our new 'boat'. It comes with all kinds of automatic stuff, a 6-disc CD player, a ceiling that's not coming off, seats that are clean, and no funny noises while driving.

Then, I ought to mention the cool blog give-aways I've won. I entered two give-aways the same week, and won them both. First time I tried, and first time I've won something cool in my life. I was really excited. I got a beautiful pair of earrings, made by a friend in Sweden. If you like them, you ought to check out her etsy shop here. I also won a beautiful print on my friend's blog. The photographer had lots of beautiful prints on her etsy shop, so if you like pretty pictures, you ought to check out her shop here.

And then, there is Miss Sophia.Recently she's been much more of a toddler - getting into stuff, throwing tantrums, and being more fickle about her food. While the tantrums are not necessarily so fun, seeing her more daring and exploring has been. So, I am including a few pictures of her latest ideas. Her favorite new thing is definitely climbing into the bathroom sink to paint on the mirror with soap, or whatever else she can find. Her latest 'joke' is to either run into the bathroom while I shower to turn off the lights and close the door and walk off (our bathroom has no windows, so it's pitch black) or to just open up the door all the way, and turn on the fan so I'm freezing in the shower. Haha!I guess the pictures speak for themselves...

 Sophia was playing 'Baby' and got into the bag all by herself, blanket included. Why did we even invest in a crib??? Clearly there is no need.

Sophia is getting ready to paint on the mirror with hand soap...

But if Mom takes away the hand soap, lip stick will work, too.

I have to laugh again looking at those pictures. At first, when Sophia got into my stuff I thought 'oh no!'. Then I realized how easy it is to clean it all up, and noticed how much fun she was having. When she got into my make-up, I gave her stuff she could use, and told her what not to use, and she's been really good about it. So, I'm glad I can relax and that she can have fun in the sink painting on our bathroom mirror. Such a simple little thing - so much happiness.

Needed

I think I need another hot debate on my blog. Life is getting boring. Well, not really. Actually, not at all. I've got a couple of things I want to write about, but right now I'm tired. So, nothing today. But, feel free to give me your input if you want me to write first about what constitutes 'official Church doctrine' and things related to that, or peoples perceptions/ideas about early-childhood education??? Or maybe the recent election results. Maybe not that one...too depressing. Or should I start off with all our new acquisitions (a car, earrings I won, a picture I won)? We could always talk about the weather...

Bleh!

Today, I'm grumpy, even though the day started off not too bad. But:

• we got a letter from the Ohio IRS, stating that we still owe $200 bucks. 3 years ago when we moved, I had about 100 jobs in one year, and messed up on our tax return, which resulted in getting a letter 2 years after that (last fall) from the IRS stating that we owed about $700 in taxes, and just as much in penalties etc. We paid, and I thought it was done with. Nope. Here we go, another fall, and the IRS wants more money.
• I broke our windshield on the car. It already had a crack, and today when I hit it with my foot (trying to get my foot up in the passenger seat) it totally cracked. Now we have to replace it.
• I'm a frumpy fat preggo. My whole ward is pregnant, and of course, they all look cute and beautiful and skinny in a pregnant way (you know, where you have a cute preggo-belly, but everything else is lean and lovely). I...well, true to Fran-fashion, just look like a bloated Brunhilda goat. Yeah, I know - I should love myself. But I don't. Especially not today.
• I looked over my old school reports that I found again. Just to be reminded of how much of a failure I was in school. It's amazing that I can actually use the computer and write something on here in English. Wow. Anyway, it has made me really insecure about my idea of home-schooling. Why did I think I could do just as good a job as...well anyone, really? How did I actually make it into college and through college, considering that I pretty much learned nothing in school? And I mean that very literally. I think all I learned was reading, writing, English, some French, and basic Math. Everything else I can't even remotely remember. I feel like a complete failure, and now I'm thinking it may be truly insane to let someone as uneducated as I am take on the education of my kids. Bleh!
• Sometimes, I just hate my life. Except, of course, Sophia had to be cute all day long, giggling, and running around saying 'Here comes Sophia'. And Henry felt like cleaning the whole house...