A Short History of My Breasts

I wrote this a few weeks ago as a post for Feminist Mormon Housewives. I also wanted to post it here.

A Short History of My Breasts

The other day I saw a beautiful picture of a naked woman in the woods. Surprisingly enough, when I saw the picture, it brought tears to my eyes. Apparently seeing someone the way they are, still smiling, even though another person is present to see their nakedness, to feel so comfortable to share yourself in such a way, was deeply touching to me. And also filling me a bit with envy. Because I'd rather die than have anyone see me naked. It got me thinking about my own discomfort with my body, and a life-long dislike in particular of my breasts. So, let me share with you a short history of my breasts.

When I was 11 years old, I got in a car with a strange man. He took me to a near-by forest, where supposedly an injured foal was laying, needing (my expert) help. Obviously, there was no foal. And as the man was walking in front of me into the forest, I suddenly realized the danger I was in, and thought I would get murdered in this forest. But the man turned around, said this was not the right spot, and we got back in his car. While sitting in his car, I noticed his penis hanging out of his pants. I also knew I had to get away, and decided to jump out of the driving car.  Unhurt, I got up and was heading for a corn field, when the man made one more attempt to lure me in, asking me to "do him some favors". I just ran off.

This experience set an early tone for how I would view my body - an object, wanted or needed by others for their own purposes. Maybe a year after this traumatizing event, I went to the public pool in my little home town. I do not recall the exact events, but remember wearing a modest one-piece swimsuit, and that I was standing in line for the slide, when some boys, maybe 14 years old, commented on my breasts. Even though I cannot remember if the comments were positive or negative, I can still almost feel the blush on my cheeks, and the embarrassment I felt. There I was, with nowhere to hide, and my body had just become an object of public commentary, something to be noticed, talked about, critiqued, like the rest of me was not there.

Then, one day, after visiting a friend who was also a member of the Church, I came home with a bikini the mother of the family had given me to keep. I had never worn a bikini, but appreciated the gift. Yet, when my parents found out about the bikini, it was promptly taken away. I did not understand my parents actions then. I was unsure why the bikini was upsetting to them. Nonetheless, I did understand that wearing one was not ok, and I felt guilty for having wanted to wear it. I was thirteen.

As a teenager I started dressing in ways to hide the shape of my body, especially my ever-present, and ever-sticking-out breasts. When I was looking for a dress for a dance, I found a beautiful dress that was luckily not emphasizing my breasts more than I wanted, and that I felt looked beautiful on me. However, my parents strongly objected to my wearing this dress, since the sleeves were half-off the shoulders. I ended up wearing a borrowed, simple dress from a friend, that fit too snuggly around my chest. The evening was spent self-consciously folding my arms in front of my chest.

I kept hiding myself under unshapely clothes, in hopes that no one would notice my body, or especially my breasts. That no one would comment. Maybe I was succeeding when a boy I really liked at age 16 called me fat. But I couldn't help thinking that part of my "fatness" was just my large breasts that would stick out and make the large clothes fall like a tent around me.

At 18 I was looking into breast reduction surgery. At the first appointment to schedule the surgery, I had to stand topless in front of a doctor, who analyzed the shape of my breasts, drew lines on  them and took pictures of them. A normal medical procedure, I'm sure. Yet, I felt deeply ashamed, and humiliated, wondering what this man was thinking as he drew on me and looked at me. The final obstacle to my surgery was having to see a gynecologist who approved of the surgery. Again, I was being seen by a man. He was kind, and felt that I was pursuing the surgery merely out of desperation (I certainly was! I just wanted those evil breasts gone), and encouraged me to wait a little, give the idea more time, and that as a professional, he felt my breast size was completely normal. When I came home from this appointment (that effectively prevented me from having the surgery), I grabbed a pair of scissors and chopped off my hair. I hated my body. I hated who I was. I hated the face looking back at me from the mirror. And in that moment, I wanted every part of my body to look as ugly and horrible as I felt.

Shortly before my twentieth birthday, I got endowed. Again, I remember the discomfort of not wanting my breasts to be noticed, and yet not wanting to look fat in the tent-like temple dresses rented out to patrons. My garments also complicated life as they kept riding around under my bra. Sometimes they'd get "sucked in" and slipped below my chest. I had now entered a new stage of life, where I'd be adding constant adjustments to a body part I already tried to not draw any attention to. Even further, for one part of my temple ceremonies, I could not wear a bra, and I tried to hide the embarrassment of walking around with completely uncontained full breasts with a humble look at the floor. They did not seem like receptacles of pure and virtuous principles. Instead, they were weighing me down with fear, shame and self-hatred. They seemed to make others uncomfortable in one way or another, and no matter what I did, they were always there. Doing what breasts do, without asking my permission.

I carried on, covering up, trying to hide the breasts God gave me, often times hating him for having burdened me in such a way. Why would he give me something that was impossible to hide, yet seemed to only bring out the worst in others, something that seemed to take over everything else I was? I hated God sometimes. Hated him for obviously being a man, because a woman never would have given me these breasts. A woman would have understood.

Then I met my future husband. When he brought me to a family reunion to meet his family, I later found out how some of them joked that he must be dating me for my breasts. There they were again, those breasts. They seemed to be what people noticed first.  But I did not want my husband to notice them. I wanted him to see me, love me, talk to me. For a long time, I avoided any water activities, because I did not want my husband to see me in a swimsuit. I knew my breasts were being squished together into a big "monoboob" in a swimsuit, and looked so unattractive along with being so very visible, that I couldn't bear the thought of a man I liked seeing me like that.

When I had to start looking for wedding dresses, terror filled my heart - terror that no dress would accommodate my chest, or that they would not fit well, making my breasts ooze out, take front and center stage, and possibly, on top of it all make me look fat.  I cried quite a few tears as I tried on dress after  dress, trying to find one that worked with those hated breasts.

But there was a deeper-seated fear in my heart, beyond the fear of how I would look in a wedding dress. I was terrified of my husband seeing me naked. In my heart, I just knew he'd be disappointed. I knew I could not measure up to whatever he had hoped for. Even though society seemed to value large breasts, I knew that my breasts were ugly. And bad, because they made me feel so uncomfortable when others noticed them.  The weeks leading up to our wedding, I would often stand in the shower, and end up crying on the floor of the tub as I looked at and felt my naked body.

During our wedding night, my husband left my breasts alone. Those hated breasts. Then I cried and cried the next morning, while my husband got us some food. I had faithfully hid them away all those years, and tried to ignore the discomfort and embarrassment they brought into my life. But now, as much as I hated them, I still wanted someone to love them, or love me, despite everything those breasts seemed to entail. Luckily, it was just a misunderstanding, and my husband simply did not want to objectify me, or make me think he only cared about my breasts. Because that's what we care about in society - breasts.  And that's is all I thought I was, for better or worse, - a pair of breasts.

With marriage, eventually, came pregnancy, and the breast hiding continued. I was now constantly tugging at my bra, as my breasts gained in size, and didn't fit into my bras properly. They'd spill out on top, once again leaving me embarrassed as I tried to push the "double-boobs" back into a bra that refused to fit. No blanket seemed big enough to cover the space I needed covered when nursing. The first weeks of motherhood, I hid in my bed room, too ashamed to have anyone see me, even my own mother. To make nursing easier, I now also wore my garment tops  over my bra. Yet, an unpleasant side-effect was that my big breasts made pretty much any shirt a tight fit, and parts of my garments that I had covenanted to keep private were on constant display. I tried to remedy the situation by getting silk-screened tops, but the distribution center said they could not do that. Finally, during a flight my husband was trying to help me stay covered as I nursed our baby, and had to endure my anger when he accidentally bared some of my breasts for a second. No one should have to see my breasts.

But if it was not pregnancy or nursing, it was always something else. About a year after my first child was born, I ran my first half-marathon. My husband took a video clip of me as I passed the 10-mile marker. When I saw the clip, I immediately deleted it. Even though I looked proud and strong as I passed mile 10, my breasts were clearly swinging side to side, despite two sports bras I was wearing. The image horrified me, and overshadowed my accomplishments of a race well run with concerns of people having seen me with breasts bobbing all over the place.

Now my breasts just sag, almost down to my belly button (ok, maybe not quite), after having busted the buttons on many a shirt, moved garments up and down, exposed themselves by accident to various people, have been drawn on, felt and squished by various doctors and nurses, invited commentary, created inappropriate thoughts, fed 3 babies, pleased my husband, and met people before I did. My breasts  - two parts of me that seem to define me, control me, and dictate what the world notices about me.

When I saw the picture of that naked woman, I thought of my breasts. My body. And how I feel I've never owned myself. I wish that I could experience that paradisiacal moment Adam and Eve experienced in the Garden of Eden. To be naked,  to be without shame over my body, to push away the world that tries to own it, and see myself, the human God made, and know that this body I wear is "very good". "And I, God, saw everything that I had made, and, behold, all things which I had made were very ^agood;" (Moses 2:31).

The Only True and Living Church

Ok, I want to talk about that. The only true and living Church. This is something we hear a lot in Church, that we're the ones with all the truth, the only ones with all the truth, and in essence how important being Mormon is to your salvation. After all, that's why we do missionary work, right?

Well, that's something that has changed for me. I really don't think I can confidently say anymore that I think we're the only 'true' Church. Let me tell you how I got there.

A while ago (like at least a year ago or so), I started thinking about how God loves all of his children. The atonement was a gift provided and done so ALL may partake, and all may have the opportunity to return to Heavenly Father. There are so many scriptures that indicate to me that God is a pretty fair guy who will give us all the same realistic shot at salvation.

I think most Mormons believe that. Yet, we also believe that it's terribly important to become a member in this life. We spend lots of time discussing how we can better share the gospel, and basically how we can be better missionaries. Somehow, bringing people into the Church is a huge deal. We also spend a lot of time on redeeming the dead, because we believe these ordinances to be that important. Well, that's all good and dandy. But one day, when I looked at what percentage of the world population Mormonism makes up, I ran into a problem. With our 14 million members (which includes at least 50% of people who are completely inactive or may not even consider themselves Mormon anymore), we're not even making up 1% of the world population. Actually, it's more like .5% of the world population. We're  basically nobody, in terms of religion. And that got me thinking...

I was wondering if it's so important to become a member in this life, then how come that the gospel is only accessible to a miniscule population of the world. Obviously, this may not necessarily be God's fault, since many laws that prevent missionaries from entering certain countries are probably not something God created. But I also think God knew  how the world would be, that people would be living in various situations and with different religious up-bringings and that it'd be pretty hard for many of his children to either even have a chance to hear the gospel, and  if they did hear it, maybe not be able to change their hearts, because our upbringings can be such that it's really really really difficult to embrace another way of thinking and/or believing.

That's, of course, not yet reason to despair for us Mormons. Because, luckily, we believe that if someone didn't have a chance to hear the gospel in this life, then no prob - they can hear about it in the next life.

I love that concept, and it works for me. Except, if it is no big deal to hear about it in the next life, then why are we making SUCH A BIG deal out of hearing it in this life? I mean, we push missionary work like nothing else, and we despair over all those people who don't join and/or go inactive. But if there's hope in the next life, then what's the big deal? Why not just serve people, and take things as they come?

My understanding was that we still somehow believe you're better off as a member in THIS life, because, you know, things we learn in this life will come with us to the next, etc. But then I struggle again with that idea, because it puts the lucky ones who were born into the Church or managed to hear about the Church at a very unfair spiritual advantage. And I can't believe that's how God operates.

I thought about this for a long time now. And I've simply come to the conclusion that I don't think being a member of the Church is terribly important. I do think it's important that we follow Christ. I think learning christ-like attributes (aka becoming like our Savior) is the goal of our mortal existence, and I believe that all of God's children can learn these attributes regardless of their life situation and/or religious back-ground. In other words, I think a Hindu or Muslim or Catholic or Mormon can all learn to be honest, kind, chaste, long-suffering, serving, faithful, etc. I also think that commitment to God is important, and blesses us, but I suspect that God can also accept that a Hindu who's expressing his devotion in ways that may differ from the Christian approach, is still worthy of God's guidance, love and equal chance at salvation as any Mormon would be.

I just cannot imagine that I'm the lucky one, who was born into Mormonism, who now has this huge spiritual advantage and privilege and everyone else has to just hope for the best, wait till the next life, or who knows what. I just cannot believe it. It seems so...unfair.

But of course, with those thoughts, I've also started wondering how important it is for me to dedicate endless amounts of time to shove my beliefs down someone else's throat who's maybe perfectly happy in their faith, and is clearly becoming a better person by virtue of their religion (possibly even better than half of the active Mormons I know). And why should I spend endless amounts of time redeeming the  dead, when I have people in this world, right now, right around me, who are in great need NOW. Certainly, those who've already passed on, can wait a little longer on their salvation, now having a better, and more eternal perspective?

I still think there are great blessings that come from having the doctrines of our Church available. Actually, I think our doctrines are the gospel of Christ. And I think those doctrines will bring the growth and happiness that are important for all of us in this life. But, I don't think being Mormon is an actual doctrinal truth and/or need. I mean, you can actually be baptized by a priesthood holder, and NOT become a member of the Church. You're not being baptized INTO the Church, if you think about it. It's just kind of a side-effect of baptism. So, to me it seems that the ordinance of baptism, and Church membership in truth are two separate matters.

Dunno...I don't claim to have it all figured out. But I really struggle these days to think that we're the smart know it-alls, who have all the truth and what not, who have the only way to Salvation, and those other 99% are just terribly unfortunate. Really? It seems so....unlikely, and unfair.

Confessions

Ok. I'll admit it here and now. Life is crazy right now.  I think I've been in denial for a while, but I just feel...overwhelmed, and completely out of balance.

Emilia has definitely pushed us into new territory in terms of parenthood. Suddenly, taking care of kids, and the house seems a relentless job, that's always needing attention. I feel pushed to choose between order, and paying attention to my children's needs (something I struggle with), and taking care of my own needs. It's been hard.

In short, I feel like my life is unraveling somehow. I struggle with my weight. I struggle with eating healthy. I struggle with getting enough rest. I struggle with giving my kids enough attention. I struggle with teaching them all the things I want to teach them. I struggle with getting exercise. I struggle with working on developing myself. Henry and I struggle finding time for just the two of us. And lastly, I struggle with Church.

I'm sure I'm missing some struggles, but that would just be another struggle, right?

Oooophh. I used to write for sanity. Now I don't even feel like I have the energy and/or desire to write. Yet, I want to capture what is happening in our lives. I want to capture my kids, and their lives. Because, crazy as it all feels right now, I love them. Dearly. Deeply. Emilia has stopped crying as much. She's been rolling over. She's has the biggest and cutest and most ready smiles on her face most of the time. Alba is full of songs, and words, and is wild and independent, and loves horses and sheep. Sophia is curious and always eager to learn, and to meet new friends. Alba and Sophia are both kind and helpful. We do a lot of family trips. Things are good. And yet, I just feel tired and overwhelmed. Ooophhh.

But, I didn't want to write about family today. I wanted to write about Church. It's been on my mind, a lot. And for years now. So, here are my religious confessions. My testimony isn't the same it was a few years ago. I'm not sure anymore what it is these days, but it has changed a lot.

A few years ago, things started changing. I had heard quite a few stories about/from friends about how they were treated by various Church leaders. It wasn't just friends though, it was also family. Some of the stuff was just "wrong" while other stuff was "really wrong". It came coupled with friends leaving the Church (good friends, honest friends, faithful friends who had served missions and had been active their whole lives), and rode on the back of having had my best friend leave the Church years before, with lots of tears, and hurt feelings, saying no one ever looked into Church history and no one understood. I didn't know what she was talking about, but I said, I'd look. And I did...and started reading more about polygamy, one of the topics that bothered her the most (I think). And when I was done, I was deeply troubled as well. Something had already changed back then. I felt back then that Joseph Smith must have made a mistake with all the polygamy stuff. I just couldn't believe it was off God. And if it wasn't God's will, then Joseph Smith messed up. And that day, my beliefs about prophets changed. I technically never believed prophets to be infallible. Our doctrine is clear that all men can/will make mistakes. The scriptures are full of examples. Yet, somehow, I still held the notion that at least the high-up leaders, like, apostles and prophets, cannot really make any major mistakes. Just tiny ones. Just itty-bitty sins of omission or something.

When I started hearing story after story of misconduct by leaders, it kept grating at me, and really made me feel like inspiration is a hit-and-miss matter. That prophets, apostles, seventies, and local leaders MAY be inspired, but not necessarily so. Some things are true. And some things are just personal opinion and bad or out-dated advice/views.

Anyway, basically, I started thinking more about Church, about Church culture, what is actual doctrine, and what's just tradition. I've read more and more about Church history, past teachings, and current teachings...and wow. It's like I've opened pandora's box of religion, or something.

The funny thing is that as my views and beliefs have kind of changed, and evolved, I've not really dared say much about it. Almost 2 years ago, I posted something on this blog about how priesthood leaders can be bad. A ward members (not a friend) somehow read the post, and passed it on to my then bishop. Without me knowing it, my bishop started reading my blog, and another blog I had started. He also tried to assess my testimony, without letting me know though that he had been informed about my blog by a member who was troubled by  my views on the priesthood. When I arrived in my new ward, and had a temple recommend interview with my new bishop, I was called back into his office a few weeks after. What followed then was one of the most awful Church experiences of my life. My bishop called me and Henry in. We thought we'd get a new calling or something, but my Bishop started asking me whether I still had a blog under this address. I confirmed it, but was confused as to why he'd know about this, and why he'd ask about it. Within seconds I was "on trial". Literally. My bishop told me that he had called my old bishop, that he told him about this blog, and his concerns, and my new bishop suggested that he may have to take my recommend because I had been lying. All the while, I sat there, in shock, with no clue what he was talking about, what I had supposedly lied about, and just in general what the hell was going on. No one had EVER talked to me about what was going on. Henry also just sat there stunned.

It took quite a bit of talking to set the matter right. I called my old bishop, who admitted that maybe he should have talked to me about it, but who did not feel that listening to the tattling of a ward member was inappropriate. No. He said it was all done out of love and concern. Of course.

The reason I share this is because this experience for the first time let me see what it's like when you're being mistreated by a leader. It was the weirdest thing. I barely dared to tell any members, because I was afraid of being seen as the one in the wrong, that I MUST have somehow contributed to being treated this way, or maybe, that this wasn't as big of a deal. When I told a non-member they were shocked I was putting up with such crap, and that anyone would dare treat someone like that over something private like a blog post.

This experience has only cemented my dwindling trust in Church leaders. Add to that, having had major, MAJOR problems with our ward primary president since we've gotten here, and having been chewed out by the Bishop over the issues as well when I tried to bring them to him for resolution.

So, ...what was my point again? I don't know. The truth is that I have very little trust in Church leaders anymore. I really don't. I've met kind, good leaders who truly seek to serve, and who I'm sure seek inspiration. And I've seen the opposite. I've realized that no matter what office anyone holds, inspiration is not a given. And I need to seek truth independently. Whatever someone says, I need to verify that that is true or not.

As I've tried to do that, and as I've read and pondered the gospel more, tried to understand doctrine and culture, I've learned a lot. I've learned muchmuchmuch about those who feel disaffected with the Church. I've learned more about we push  people out of the Church with our dogmatic approach to just about everything. We seem to always be threatened by anyone who doesn't fit the mold, who expressed unorthodox views, and who doesn't do as everyone else does.

Realizing that has been hard. And painful. I participated in something called "Wear Pants to Church" day (google it, if you haven't heard of it). It was just about wearing pants to Church for one Sunday. You'd think something as trivial as the clothing on the lower part of my body would hardly matter. I wore pants to Church for that day, nice dress pants...no one said anything and yet, I found out later, the whole ward has been talking about my pant-wearing ways.

I've started to see...see how much time and thought we dedicate to what people wear, whether they wear skirts or pants, white shirts or not, whether they have just one pair of ear-rings or more. It's like we're getting caught up in rules, and details that have no impact on our Salvation. Mostly, because we take stuff prophets say, and run with the obvious as if it's Gospel truth. Without thought. Without discernment as to whether it's advice, opinion or doctrine.

Ok. I'm rambling. I realize it. But it's just all coming out, and I want to talk about this. I want to talk about how strange it is how we do all these things in Church, some of them we don't even know why. I mean, for example, paying tithing. It seems like some known fact that a "full" tithe is 10% of your income either right after taxes, or before taxes were taken out. Really? How do we know that? There are some scriptures, but those scriptures don't teach that concept. If there are statements from prophets, where are those? How come they're not canonized or easily accessible, considering that paying a full-tithe is something I need to do to enter the temple (something deeply important for my salvation, right?).

I...I don't even know where to start. It's like I've opened the flood-gates of questions. There is so much that doesn't make sense to me anymore. There is so much that still makes complete sense to me. There is so much I believe the same as I've always believed. And much that has changed.

But the reason why I share all this is that the crappiest part of all of this has been feeling like an outcast. Like an apostate - because back in the day, when I heard others share some of the things I'm thinking about, I'd always think of them as apostates. I remember my best friend making a comment to me (before she left the Church) about stuff that bothered her about Brigham Young. And I teasingly called her an apostate. Because...our leaders are always right, correct? Clearly, if you have any doubts, any questions about the Church, that's the only thing you can be.

It hurts so much. And it's felt so terribly lonely. Because, I haven't really changed. I just went to the temple last month. We still pray. We still do FHE. We still go to Church every Sunday. We still read our scriptures. I teach in RS. Nothing is really different. And yet, it feels like everything is. And feeling alone, like you can't say it, because everyone always assumes something is wrong with YOU, just sucks.

I saw this clip a few weeks ago. It's really cheesy (because, that's just what you get when Mormons makes little movies), and I don't like the ending (because, happy endings aren't always what happens), but when Henry and I watched, we still kind of sat there, and felt like this was a pretty good rendition of our situation.

Watch the clip here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=nR3uxbxRUz8

And...now I've said it. And there's much more I could say as I've thought and pondered my faith and our doctrines. Like, I think women should be ordained to the priesthood. And that I'll continue wearing pants to Church, unless I feel like wearing a skirt. And I've worn pants to the temple. And I now consider myself a feminist. And that I think we can do so much more to create equality within the church. And that we should. And that I feel it matters.

Read this http://boydpetersen.com/2013/03/21/fourteen-years-later-a-response-to-the-priesthood-mens-last-best-hope/ and this http://www.fairlds.org/fair-conferences/2012-fair-conference/2012-to-do-the-business-of-the-church-a-cooperative-paradigm on the topics of equality within the Church.

I could talk about so much more that I don't feel so sure anymore to be "gospel truth". I could also talk about how I'm not so sure I've got it right, how daunting and overwhelming it is to feel responsible for getting your personal answer on every thing you hear and should act on. Being an authentic person, who acts with purpose and integrity, and tries to really find truth and act accordingly...it's a bit scary sometimes. And so I'm sure I get things wrong. Even worse, going against the grain, going against the status quo, even if you truly feel it's right is not easy. It makes you doubt yourself, and your answers and feelings.

So, again it sucks. And even suckier is the thought that I may post this, and still a lot of my friends may not really get what I'm talking about. Or feel uncomfortable, and withdraw from me...

Life is tricky these days. How did I get here?

Pictures and Circumcision

As promised, I should throw out one controversial thing here, right?

So, based on a news article about a circumcision ruling in Germany that tried to make circumcision illegal in one area, Henry and I ended up looking into circumcision again. When we tried to really read up on it more, we were shocked...

• shocked at circumcision is being done usually
• shocked at how much can go wrong
• shocked at how often stuff goes wrong
• shocked at how absolutely unnecessary it is
• shocked at why people do this when there is no need at all and no benefit

It's been an interesting thing to read up on again. I know I've brought this topic up here before. But now that I looked into it more, I just cannot comprehend why anyone is doing this. There is 0 medical need or benefit. Oftentimes, it's a rather painful (and LONG!!!) procedure for a newborn. Mistakes happen frequently, and can come with all kinds of negative side-effects to the child, and all that for...I don't even know what. The most often reason cited is so that "they look like dad", which is the strangest reason to me. I mean, we don't give kids the same clothes, or hair cuts like dad. If dad had gotten a tattoo would be put the same tattoo on the child? Probably not. It's all so weird to me, to put it nicely. But mostly it just made me really support Germany's stance. Parents should not be allowed to remove healthy body parts from their children without clear medical need. Henry feels even more strongly about this now. In fact, he was pretty, urm, *upset* to put it nicely, when we read up on it all. He feels robbed even...not that he's holding it against his parents, but he sure wishes they would have not made this choice.

So, anyone wanna pick up the circumcision debate again? :)

Alright, if not...how about some pictures and videos?

Why, how do YOU watch your movies????

Playing in our "lovely" backyard...

Alba's fat lip from her wasp sting...

A morning ritual. Alba always wants to have her blanket wrapped around her when she wakes up. And then she'll walk throught he house like that, E.T. style...

Goals

Am I the only one who sets goals for the New Year? Well, in the last few years I've always set some goals that I've tried to focus on over the year, and it's been really fun and rewarding to push myself a little.

One of my goals for last year was to run a marathon. And I did. I also just lost the obligatory toe nail a few days ago. It was the one on my big left toe, to be precise. The best part was that I had Sophia bring the nasty, old, with-blood-blister-grown-to-it nail to Henry. Henry lost the nail somewhere in our extra bedroom/office. Then I caught Alba a few days later, chewing on something - which, of course, happened to be the lost toe nail. I almost threw up. So gross.

Anyway, so I reached that goal. I had some other goals I didn't do so well on, I think.

I still haven't quite decided yet what's on the list for this year, but I thought I'd start jotting down some of the ideas I've been having like:

• having another baby and giving birth naturally, and without any time pressure or emotional pressure or other drama that seems to leave only one option.
• cutting down on our dairy consumption. I always try to think about how we eat and improve how we eat. One of my goals has been to use more local foods. Now I've been thinking that simply cutting down even more on our animal products is another big step I can take in being more green as well as healthy. I have to figure this one out in more detail though and determine what exactly I want to do.
• start the day with prayer. I think that was my goal for last year, and it didn't go very well. I really would like to do this. I think I need to start my day with some calm reflection and petition of living the day to the fullest of what I want to achieve.
• I think I want to work on enjoying my kids more. I mean, I love Sophia and Alba. Lovelovelove. But playing with them seriously bores me to death at times. I want to find things we can do together that's enjoyable for all of us and, well, enjoy each other more, play more.
• I also want to work on specifically improving my marriage. But I have nothing specific yet I want to do. I just think there are things I really ought to change. Actually, maybe it's not about my marriage, but just me being nicer to my spouse.
• I'd love to take some college classes...but, I think this goal still has to wait a few years...

There are so many other things I want to do as well. I could go on and on. Does anyone else have any goals as well? Am I alone in my goal setting frenzy?

Black Hole

Henry said yesterday that it's time for another blog post. Seeing how he's the patriarch of the family, he must be right. Just kidding - on the patriarch stuff. Anyway, it IS time. I've just had all kinds of stuff on my mind, and I didn't really have time to sit down and verbalize it all on here.

Anyway, so Henry is done with school. And after 2 months of non-stop family visiting, the last of them finally left 1 week ago. After that Henry and I were in a frenzy to clean and organize the house, get all kinds of stuff done that has gotten neglected over the last few months/years, and then it happened. Saturday, it happened. We had all our errands taken care off. There was nothing specific that needed to be done. And both of us were at home. And had time. It was so shocking, I didn't really know what to do. And it's been so long that we just had a day to do whatever we wanted, I almost couldn't think of anything. It was like we only knew how to be on one certain track, and now that we were on another one, we tried to keep going on the old track. We finally figured out how to get all of ourselves into the car and go swimming.

Then Sunday came along, as it usually does right after Saturday. And I think on Sunday I just sank into this black hole of my new reality. We had another rather un-edifying Sunday (for me) with a really annoying talk on how the men are the leaders in all areas of life (the talk was supposed to be on how the YM program prepares the young men to be fathers, I think), and then a lesson on obedience in RS that included beautiful tidbits such as blind faith being necessary for gaining testimonies (I don't think so...since there is no such thing as blind faith, at least not by common definition of faith) or how Joseph Smith always obeyed God in all things (really? trying to take the gold plates for personal gain, and being chastised by Moroni for it, or giving away the 116 pages of the BoM after Heavenly Father said no to that request twice, don't count? Not to mention all the transgressions Joseph Smith himself only allures to...).

I came home and I just felt down, and empty. And really alone. I have been feeling rather isolated recently. All my good friends I made here in Columbus have moved away. The last of them just moved now after graduation. And now I feel like this awkward left-over, who should be moving on, but isn't yet. I got overwhelmed by suddenly having all this time again, and realizing that I don't really have any good friends here. I miss having book clubs, I miss having people to talk to. I miss having someone around who can actually bear just hearing some of my "oh-so-apostate-or-liberal" thoughts. Having those lessons/talks in Church somehow just consolidated that feeling of isolation. It's hard when I feel my social life depends on the people in Church, and I feel like I have nothing in common with those people. Urgh.

So, I started feeling all gloomy and depressed and alone. And unsure what the future will bring. We have to actually find employment now (or rather a practice to buy). And I have to figure out what to do with my husband now that I actually get to see him. And figure out stuff that doesn't cost, because we're really broke.

I think the house just feels empty, and my world has been a whirlwind of craziness in the last months, and now that it's all quiet again, I just don't know what to do.

I have resolved, however, to be more believing again, and to be more loving. While it's really hard for me right now to hear some of the things I regularly hear in Church and that I think are a bunch of BS, I realize that my ultimate goal is to be like my Savior. Being like Christ, to me is being loving and long-suffering. I decided my focus is on the wrong things. There is no need for me to enlighten others to the error of their ways/thinking (like I could never be wrong?). I realized it's ok to let others believe some of the things they believe, no matter how problematic or uninformed those beliefs seem to me. Maybe more specifically I realized, Church really isn't so much about actual truth being taught consistently (which would be GREAT!), but rather it's a place of learning for all of us. A whole bunch of very imperfect people coming together and trying to come unto Christ. And then I also realized what matters is who I am, and how I live. And I want to live like my Savior - lifting up those around me, serving where I can, learning to love and forgive, regardless of person. Everything else, what others believe and do, is rather irrelevant. If I am close to my Heavenly Father, and live my life guided by the Spirit, I'll know what to do, and I can guide my kids accordingly, and the right things will be clear - regardless of what happens at Church. In short, I realized I'm judging, and whether my judgments are spot on or not, I'm still judging. I've been commanded not to. So, I better quit!

All that. And I want Henry to find a source of steady income. Quickly. Because it makes me nervous to live on so little, and knowing we have to pay back our debts soon, and wanting to move and settle down somewhere real bad, and plan my future and stuff and not being able to because we're in limbo.

I still miss my friends though. Fran is a herd animal. I'm not meant to be alone with my kids and husband all day every day.

P.S. Did  I mention that I started training for a marathon? Yeah...

He is Risen

But there is a resurrection therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.

 He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless, that can never be darkened; yea, and also a life which is endless, that there can be no more death.

Mosiah 16:8,9

Easter, to me, is the most meaningful holiday of them all. I love those verses from Mosiah as they really reflect my feelings on Christ and the atonement. What an amazing thing to think that the grave has no victory, that death is just temporal, that life is actually eternal, and that anyone ripped from our arms in this life, will be with us again. I'm so grateful for this hope, for the light Christ really has brought into my life.

Happy Easter! He truly is risen!

Learning

Last night, after a conversation with my sister-in-law, I had to think about why it is that certain things seem to repeat themselves. I really feel like Henry and I are in almost the same situation we were in about a year ago, with the only difference that we're not losing a baby this time, but hopefully adding one healthy little girl. But other than that the set-up seems pretty darn similar. Did we not learn what we needed to last year? Just now though, I think we did - and it'll help us survive and be fine.

We learned to lean on friends and family. We learned to have faith, and especially faith in the power of prayer. We've learned more about communication and specific goal setting. We've learned that sufficient rest is crucial during these times. I've learned that I can be ok with things, no matter the out-come. We've learned that we're very loved, and extremely supported. We've learned that there can be happy endings, even when you feel like all that's ahead is hopelessness.

I think we've learned a lot last time. Now we get a chance to apply it. I'd be ok without that opportunity, but I guess part of what we also have to learn is that life just happens. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's tiring, sometimes it's hard, and sometimes it's everything at once.

Moments of Panic

Last night, in the middle of the night, Henry told me he's worried. About everything. That he got herpes from the patient he treated, who had herpes in his eye, that I'm coughing and maybe getting sick while pregnant, what to do with the new baby, passing/finishing his VA externship, finishing his research, doing his research, writing his thesis, work, Sophia, feeling sick himself, feeling tired, etc. Poor guy. He's got a lot on his plate, and I feel bad that I can't help much. And then I had to think of my own little moment of panic that day - suddenly feeling nervous and scared about Alba coming. Can I really do this? Everything was so easy with Sophia, and I know I can't realistically expect that to happen again - do I really remember how to take care of an infant? What if she cries a lot? What if she won't sleep? What if I've forgotten how to nurse, or she won't nurse well? What if her personality is such that she won't like me as her mom? What if what if what if? I don't know why I got scared all of a sudden. After all, we've been wanting this so badly, and have been waiting for little Alba to join us for so long. But there it was - suddenly I got scared and nervous and unsure.

And then when you and your hubby are laying awake in the middle of the night in bed, all worried, scared and nervous, it's so nice to just have someone there to hug and hold tight.

Beauty and the Beast

or so it may seem...

I was just remembering that second picture when writing about nose rings. Yup, that was me at 15 or 16. I don't really remember. Pink hair, dread locks (don't know if you can see them - there were just a few on top), nose ring. I was remembering how often I got judged for my looks at Church. One time I was visiting my Grandma, and she was on the phone with a lady from Church. When my granny explained that she had to go because I was at the door, that lady just said how she'd never let her grandkids into her house the way I looked. I loved my Grandma's response. She just told her that my heart was gold and she couldn't care less about how I looked and hung up on the lady. Way to go Grandma! 

I also had to think back on how despite my unorthodox Mormon look, I kept all commandments faithfully (while surrounded by drinking and pot smoking people), went to Church each Sunday, participated not only in Seminary but also qualified for the scripture chase weekends they did for those who really knew their stuff, volunteered at the animal shelter as well as the asylum seeker shelters on a weekly basis, and yadayadayada...I didn't look the part, but I was the part in deeds. And then despite what probably everyone thought, I still turned out ok - served a mission, finished college magna cum laude, and even got married. I could think of quite a few girls who looked "just right", and their stories are more along the lines of what you would have expected with my looks. Funny how that goes.

Looks can be so deceiving. That's why it seems so silly to me to get hung up on stuff (like looks) that is just temporary, and oftentimes fairly meaningless. Does that mean that I'll promote nose rings, dread locks and pink hair with my kids. Probably not. But if at some point that's what they want to do, I won't let that concern me as much as the state of their hearts!

The Church, The Gospel, The Truth

So, I've been thinking/mulling over stuff in my head for a few weeks now regarding Church/Gospel stuff. It all started (again) when I read a nice little 27-pages long essay of sorts from friends in Germany who've decided to quit Church. They're not the first making such a decision. Instead I've had quite a few friends who've left the Church in recent years - and interestingly, most of them not for the reasons one may assume. None of these people left the Church because they directly broke some commandment and were 'unrepentend' or just didn't care about religion anymore. None of them left because they lost their testimony dabbling in anti-Mormon literature or whatever. Actually, it seems that a lot of them left (or lost their testimony) digging maybe a little too deeply into Church documents/history and the like.

Anyway, as I was reading the detailed explanation of my friends of what led to their change of mind, I could actually relate to a lot of things they mentioned. Obviously, I haven't come to the same conclusions on stuff as they have, since I haven't left the Church, and have no intentions of doing so in the future. But yet, I could see where they were coming from. And it's given me a lot to think about.

Maybe I should say at this point that whatever I'll bring up/discuss next in this post, that I love the gospel deeply, that I enjoy being a member, that I believe in the general organization of the Church, and that the biggest problem with this post will be the fact that no matter how much truth there may be to whatever I write, it doesn't change the fact that a lot of it also means that I'm judging...and that's always a dangerous thing. So there. I have no illusions about myself being just as much a sinner as the next person. But with all that said, I still want to write about stuff that just has rubbed me wrong way and that I simply don't understand.

The Gospel
I love the gospel of Christ. It's what gives my life meaning, what gives me hope when things are tough. I completely believe in the teachings of Christ, his atonement, and that anyone who makes an effort to follow him and emulate him will reap great blessings in their lives, and also become a blessing for others. But, to me the gospel, and the Church are at times two separate shoes. I don't think they ought to be, but at times they are.

The Church
That's where the fun starts. I believe that Christ established his Church. I believe in the restoration of this Church. I believe in the organization of having prophets, apostles, teachers, bishops. I believe in revelation. All the typical stuff I believe. But, there is stuff I don't believe. I don't believe in perfect human beings - and with that I include prophets. I think prophets are capable of mistakes and sin, just like everyone else. I even think they're capable of making mistakes in their leadership/role as prophets. Does that mean that I believe they teach falsehoods, on purpose? No, not really. But, I don't think everything that comes out of the mouth of a prophet (or apostle, or bishop or stake president) is inspired. I think sometimes they share opinions, feelings, cultural views. Why does this matter? Well, it shouldn't really. When we read about prophets in the scriptures, it's pretty evident that all of them at some point or another had need to repent, or simply did things wrong. Alma's baptismal prayer certainly wasn't the one Jesus wanted to be used. Maybe that's why it got corrected in 3 Nephi right away. So, stuff happens. And it doesn't worry me. Actually, I feel like I need to believe this, or else I'd probably leave the Church like a lot of my friends.

But, here comes the issue with all of this now. You cannot in the least suggest what I just suggested in Church. The Church (meaning the general membership) has developed not only a culture of its own, but has allowed in many ways for cultural views, or non-gospel related views to become akin to doctrine. When you're in Church, you're supposed to follow any leaders, and not question anything. Why? Because of some quote that says that God would never allow for us to be lead astray. Ok. There is one single quote on that. Fair enough. But, it doesn't even explain what that means, and I bet most members don't even know who said it and where that's written. Could it not mean that as long as the overall goal is achieved, detours are acceptable? I'd like to believe that everything that comes out of the mouth of a Church leader is pure truth and the will and word of God. But then, why do general conference talks get changed? A great example is Elder Packer's recent talk. The one he gave at conference, and the one that was printed are quite different. Did he not pray about what to say before hand? I'm sure he did. So, why did it get changed? Was it not the will of the  Lord? I could give millions of examples for stuff like that that simply suggest that, well, mistakes maybe happen, and sometimes we have to correct the course, change things, whatever. Yet, if you dare think that way, you're close to apostasy in the eyes of most.

Ok, well who cares about what others think, right? I don't, not really. But, here is the other part to this kind of blind, unquestioning, and not even doctrinal obedience: people start pushing it on you. It's extremely weird to me (and this is where I could relate to my friends in many way) how we sit in Church, trying to be these awesome, faithful Christians, and then miss the big picture 90 percent of the time. We think we're good because we don't smoke, drink, or wear skirts down to our knees or whatever, but eat and live in ways that really hurt the rest of the world (for example). We think we're nice because we give fast offering, and help others move, but don't even really reach out with eagerness in service to the rest of the community (or should I call them "the world"). Don't get me wrong. I don't think we're bad people, and helping someone move is better than not doing anything. Giving fast offering is great. I just think we get so complacent, and self-righteous. But not only that. Then we start getting hung up on things that have no meaning, and spiritually totally irrelevant - and usually in the name of "some Church leader said so, so therefore it's true". I've heard of so many instances where new converts for example, get a talking to about wearing a cross. Well, excuse me, who cares? I believe in the crucified Christ. All Christians believe also in the resurrected Christ. Just because Pres. Grant had a personal issue with crosses, certainly doesn't make them evil or bad or inappropriate. It's certainly possible to rejoice in the atonement while still wearing a cross. After all, we don't object to other items that have farfarfar less to do with Christ (such as Christmas trees, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, etc.). And yet. Or how about clothing? Ear rings? Beards? I do not believe in the least that the number of earrings in my ear will be checked on judgement day. Why would that matter at all? Or wearing a denim skirt to Church (which is ok) but being looked at for dressy pants? Really? You can only be reverent in a skirt? We get lured into so many weird things that when thought about more closely, and study a bit, really don't make sense or shouldn't matter. Yet, there are people breaking off engagements of these kinds of things - because if a Church leader suggested that that's how it ought to be then that's how it HAS to be. It's true. It's the word/will of God. And I just.don't.believe.that!

At some point taking the pill was evil according to prophets. Now it's ok. At some point interracial marriages were evil. Now they're ok. At some point masturbation was what caused homosexuality. Not we don't know. Prophets have changed their views on many things over time. And, as it goes, even good ol' Jospeh Smith and his apostles weren't all agreed on everything all the time. Nope. Yet, we now think that it's all clear-cut and everything is gospel truth. I just don't get it. And it bothers me. It bothers me because, for me, it detracts often times from the things that really matter: how can I love and serve my fellow beings? How can I uplift and enlighten and bring others closer to Christ? How can I alleviate suffering? Just by teaching to comply with a certain dress code, attending a certain amount of meetings, and just fitting in a certain mold? That just isn't the gospel to me. And it's even less gospel to me when we ignore stuff that's right out of the scriptures, but get hung up on stuff that has no apparent importance at all. I think I said that already. But really...for example, the scriptures (and even 1 hymn) are very clear on how much meat we should eat: we should eat it sparingly. Yet, every summer, wards have nothing better to do than having BBQs, and just in general, I'd say meat consumption is high among members. Should we care? Well, considering that red meat has been scientifically proven to be fairly unhealthy, that cow poop is responsible for about 50% of the ozone problems we're facing, and that huge cattle farms have caused a lot of environmental problems as well as consumer problems that have deeply affected living situations of people in other countries, I think this should be very important to members. But it's not. What are the consequences though, of wearing 2 earrings in your ear. Really, what's going to happen? That some superweird up-tight person may not want to join the Church? I don't think there is anyone out in the world with such an uptight view on earrings. Or that you won't have the spirit with you because of the second pair? Really? Wouldn't the spirit more likely withdraw or at least withdraw equally when ignoring scripture (and science) that say you shouldn't overdo it on the meat? Oh, wait, it's because we need to follow the prophets. Ok, what about following God? Those things just don't make sense.

Or a similar example could be our most recent tithing settlement. We hadn't gotten around to getting an appointment for that until the 29th of December. Then we ended up having friends visit that evening, and we chose to cancel the appointment. Well, when Henry informed the secretary about our cancellation via email, he got a call the next morning (at 7.15am) about how important it is to get this done before the year is over and blablablabla. At the end of this all, we felt guilty and like we were definitely headed for hell because we chose to cancel the appointment, thinking we could just do it later on. Well, turns out that tithing settlements don't have to be done in December. Really, they can be done any time of the year. It's just you telling your bishop that you're a full-tithe payer. That's all. The end-of-the-year stuff has no doctrinal importance or meaning at all. It's just a practical reason. That's all. As a matter of fact, our bishop called us today, and we 'settled' over the phone. No problem. Yet, we had to get harrassed and pressured as if this dead-line was a doctrinal and spiritual matter, when in truth it wasn't. I wonder how many other people feel the same way...why? Because we don't separate doctrine and practical/cultural stuff. We just assume that every little Church policy equals gospel truth. Bleh. I'm sure there are lots of people who just don't do tithing settlements because they don't know that you can do it any time, even if you weren't around in December. Stupid.

So we sit in Church, reinforcing many times ideas and concepts that may be practical, or useful, but aren't necessarily truth or doctrine or gospel. Deep and meaningful discussion of gospel truths, to me, often seem to be missing in Church. Instead I get to hear lots of tearfilled stories of stuff that are, well, personal views, cultural views, and half of the time, not gospel truths. Am I being very judgmental here? Yes. I realize I am. And I really need to work on swallowing my own pride, let people be (as ignorant as they want to be) and learn to love everyone. Yup, I realize that. I just wish that as a Church we could be more inclusive. Less concerned about fitting a certain image that has no real meaning. That we had the courage to ask more questions, to think more deeply about gospel topics, and mostly to just shed all the cultural crap. Arghhhhh - I just can't take the cultural crap anymore. It drives me nuts. And it really drives me nuts when people try to explain things that we don't have explanations for. We don't know why blacks didn't have the priesthood. Really, we don't. (I personally believe that racism simply was the name of the game at that point, and nothing got changed until a prophet inquired about it when society started changing its views on this - why not? Joseph Smith after all only seemed to receive inspiration on stuff once he'd ask. It didn't seem to just come out of nowhere. So, maybe no one ever asked until 1970 or whatever). Similarly we don't know why they started polygamy (and I don't recommend that you try to find out, because I did, and it was the most faith-shaking experience of my life - there was definitely a lot of odd stuff going on, lots of it, that we don't talk about in the Church, and it's probably better that way). There are lots of things we don't really know. And I think there are a lot of things we do simply because they never got changed/up-dated. Not because they're gospel truths...

Those are just some of my thoughts. I should mention that they aren't gospel truth either.

January 26

Wow, when I wrote yesterday, I didn't realize that it was 1 year ago that we had another crappy day.

It's funny (not really) how sometimes things repeat themselves. Last year, this time, I was pregnant. Last year this time, Henry was sweating and stressing like crazy in school, wondering/hoping that he'll pass his clinical part. And yesterday, we were basically in the same boat. With a few small differences. This time we weren't just coming back from the OB/Gyn with the news that we had lost our baby. Yesterday, while listening to Henry with sinking heart, I could feel our little baby kicking and moving around. Thank you Alba for choosing yesterday to move around a lot and let me know that you're still with us.

But, I remember last year so well still. Walking out of the office, numb, with tears, having to drop Henry off at school, and driving home alone with Sophia. Then having Henry call me later on to tell me that of all days, they had pulled him aside that day for a review of his remediation, and how he still was doing this and/or that wrong. I remember the feeling of hopelessness. Just wanting to curl up in a ball and fall apart on my bed. Hugging Sophia tightly because she was all I had to hold at that point. Wondering what would happen with Henry. Wondering what would happen to that little girl I was expecting.

So, yesterday was better. But we were back to that sinking feeling of wondering how things will go for Henry. Stressing and worrying, while having a little one in my belly. Feeling helpless, and upset at the injustice that seems to haunt my husband. That was similar. I think this time I'm a bit more upset about Henry's situation though. Last year, Henry really had to improve certain things. This time he was faulted for things that were either ridiculous and unimportant or simply not fair (and we could prove some of it, but at the risk of it working against Henry for "speaking up"). I hate how unfair life can be sometimes. But, sometimes it's also unfair in our favor. I guess I better count my blessings.

Today, therefore, I'm happy to have Sophia with us. To have Alba move around a lot in my belly reassuring me that she is ok (usually I barely feel her). To have Henry working so hard. To be healthy. To have a roof over my head, food, clothing. To have family and friends, who've prayed endlessly on our behalf last year, and who I'm sure are pouring out their faith in prayer again for us now. I'm grateful for snow. For clouds. For warmth and cold. For blankets to cuddle up in with Sophia to read books. For chocolate. For giggles, songs, and hugs that I get every day. For the knowledge that things will be ok, no matter how they turn out. I think things will be ok. I really wish we could fastforward 5 weeks and just be done with both being pregnant and Henry having to endure the VA. But, I guess at least it's only 5 weeks. And I'm feeling great pregnancy-wise. Just eager to have that little girl in my arms. Maybe I just need to write this down, to reassure myself that it'll be ok, that Henry will most likely be there for Alba's birth, that he most likely will pass, that all will be well in the end. I just hate not having control over things.

Goals for 2011

We just read what my sis-in-law's goal was for 2011, which reminded me to record my aspirations for the year. Henry  just informed me that his goal for this year is to become an optometrist. Great goal. He better reach it or else. Anyway, I've been trying to set simple goals in the last few years to help me slowly reach bigger goals. And it's been working pretty well for me. So, for this year, other than surving the last few months of having Henry sweat and dread through school, I hope to keep improving in the 3 areas I've been focusing on in the last few years.

1. In the last years we've worked on attending the temple more regularly, and then reading our scriptures daily. I'm glad that we've really improved, and thankfully started to make those things more of habits again. This year, I think I need to really focus on prayer.
2. In the last 2 years we've worked in first reducing meat consumption, and then trying to basically cut out red meat completely. We've done fairly well. I think. I've only actually bought red meat 3-4 times this year, eating burgers on road-trips excepted. Hopefully, no red meat at all this coming year. However, what I really want to do is also make sure that the animal products we still buy (be that milk, cheese, poultry, or whatever) comes from sustainable, responsible local farms. Cost has been one major factor that has held me back from this in the past, along with simple convenience. But, as our income will hopefully change for the better this year, I hope that I can make improvements in this area.
3. I want to train for a full marathon this year. I'm not sure how achievable it is to actually be ready to participate in one in the fall, but that's what I'm shooting for - to run it, and hopefully turn it into a fundraiser. Last year Henry rode the Pelotonia to raise money for cancer research. My sis-in-law pointed out that if she had money to donate it'd have to be for either diabetes research or HLHS. So, if I'm fit and ready, I'll try and run to raise money for HLHS research. HLHS is a heart defect my nephew suffers from. Google it to learn more about it. It's not really curable unless you get a heart-transplant, though there are surgeries now that increase your life expectancy, I think, from more or less 0 without the surgeries to about 15-20 years with the surgeries. After that, for all I know, you still need a transplant.

That's it. Those are my specific goals for the year. There always will be the daily goals of being patient, forgiving, kind, and appreciative, and enjoying each moment with my kid(s) and husband...but those are a given, right?

Bottom 11 of 2011

Here's a list of the 11 bad things already happening this year in no particular order:

1. I can't really go running anymore. My body has decided it's time to 'slow' down.
2. I got out my nursing bras from a few years ago, just to notice they were all broken. When I tried to order new ones online, I had to find out that there was nothing available in my size, since I'm not as fat as last time, but still as big-busted. Sweet. Ok, I admit there were a few 'rocket-boob-bra' options, but really? Aren't we way past that style?
3. Since Henry, by no fault of his own, couldn't start seeing patients right away at his current rotation, the lady in charge of him now doesn't really want to give him off his 3 days he's entitled to during the quarter, which he saved for when the baby comes. Lame!
4. The TSA still exists, along with all their retarded security measures. Blehblehbleh!
5. My Nutella jar is empty.
6. My aunt passed away New Year's Day. I'm glad for her to be relieved after fighting cancer, but I wish I could have seen her one more time. She was a great aunt.
7. The cigarette smoke in our apartment is spreading, despite an air purifier and us duck-taping off any cracks. I now almost regularly lay down my head in a whiff of cigarette smoke (creeping up from our down-stair neighbors). 
8. We didn't finish reading the Book of Mormon by the end of the year, as was the goal for our stake, and I don't even feel bad. I figured the blessings come from reading the scriptures, not cramming them in, within a certain time-frame. I therefore felt like the testimony scrooge on Sunday when I heard all the testimonies about having finished the BoM by the end of the year.
9. I still need two crowns, a potential root canal, and maybe surgery, and I have to wait till baby is born. Somehow it just stresses me out to have to take care of all that with a newborn.
10. My blog must have died and gone to heaven. Or all my readers, since no one has really been commenting anymore. Have I gotten that boring?
11. I found out that an old friend from BYU got cancer. She's only 30 and the mom of 3 little kids, so this makes me really sad that she has to fight this. Hopefully she'll beat it, and beat it good.

P.S. Don't worry though, folks. This won't be a trend. I just thought I'd make a list, too.

All is Well that Ends Well

I think that's what Shakespeare said somewhere. :) As you all know, the last year started off rather unpleasant for us - extreme school stress, loss of a little baby, health concerns, pregnancy attempts, more school stress, messed up vacations, lame comments, misunderstandings, friends moving away, etc. - all crammed into about the first half of the year. But, I have to say that despite a few broken teeth during the second half of the year, it all ended fairly well. All is well with the Pattersons. We survived 2010, realized how mighty the power of prayers on your behalf can be, how hard it is to lose a little baby, and how wonderful each day is that you have with your loved ones. Oh, and how awesome it is to not have broken teeth. Yes. Now I'm excited for 2011 and all it will bring. I'm excited to hold my next little daughter in my arms, excited for Henry to finish school and for us to hopefully earn some money. Excited to maybe/hopefully be moving. Excited to have more family come and visit. Excited to see Sophia continue to develop and grow. Excited for our 5-year anniversary. Excited to train for a marathon. Excited to be alive. I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and a happy switch into the new year. We sure did, celebrating Christmas in the quiet and peace of our own home and little family, and then partying into the New Year with friends to wonderful Raclette, chocolate fondue and games. I think we've been so caught up in simply enjoying this wonderful season that I basically took no pictures.

Ok, we do have a few pictures we've taken in the last few weeks that I wanted to share, but only few of the Holidays.

Here is Sophia with her good friend, partying on our bed while we were babysitting.

 Sophia got one part of a little doll nursery set early, and put it to good use right away.

 But she actually doesn't need any official toys - just give her a confined space and she'll probably be thoroughly entertained. Please also note the German Flag Apron she's sporting!

 Sophia enjoying one of her 3 presents she opened on Christmas Eve - a wooden doll house.

 Again, happily playing in a confined space - a little bed for her dolls (or herself, I guess).

 This is how I found Sophia when I had put her down for a nap in her pack 'n play in our closet. That's basically all my clothes in her crib, along with one of my shirts on her.

 Trying to hide her face when she woke up and noticed me taking pictures...hmmmm, I guess at least she'll know what to do for future criminal acts the press may get a hold of...

 Decorating her 'doggy'.

 Watching the countdown for the New Year on TV. Please note the blanket covering Sophia. I made it myself for little Alba. I thought it'd be a fun, quick project. But it turned out to be very nightmarish (thanks to me choosing one fabric that was stretchy), and included staying up past midnight, re-opening at least 6 seams or more, pricking myself bloody at least 3 times, breaking the needle on the machine at least once, and a bit of swearing and hysterical laughter in between.

Anyway, life is good. In the last few weeks I've thought this quite often. I look at my little family and I just feel so happy. I realize we have everything we could possibly want. We have food on our table every day, we have a warm and dry place to live in, we have medical care, clothes, friends and family, toys and games, nature to enjoy, education, books, music, and most importantly the light and hope of the gospel of Jesus Christ. There may have been hard moments and set-backs in the last year. And I'm sure there will be more in the future, but I realize that just knowing that we're an eternal family, and that change and hope can always be a part of my life - well, what else does anyone really need?

 P.S. I have a funky smile in these pictures, because I had this huge chunk of cotton in my mouth to protect my tongue from my broken teeth. I should have taken it out, but didn't think of it in time...