Little Sister

I thought that I haven't really written much about my pregnancy with little girl no. 3. And I've written so much now, I'm tired of writing more. And, there really isn't much to write about. This little pumpkin seems to move even less than her 2 sisters - and I thought those two weren't moving much. Because of that, we got another ultra sound done at 29 weeks, just to make sure everything is fine. And...it is. It was fun to see her move around, take a deep swallow, see little fuzzy hair, and so forth.

I'm excited for this little girl to join us. I just wish Henry and I could agree on a name. I've searched far and wide for the "perfect" name, but just keep coming back to the same name, which isn't as unique as I'd like it to be, but I feel like it fits. Henry isn't 100% on board yet, so we'll see what happens. If you're curious what the name may be, well...I'm not sure if I want to tell yet.

Other than the name issue though, things are going well. I've gained 12 lbs, still have 7.5 weeks to go, feeling very tired this pregnancy, and I've had pretty bad pelvic pains since week 25 or so, but other than that things are great. We're still trying to figure out whether we're really doing a home birth with midwives or using the hospital here. I love the idea of just doing it at home, but am terrified of possible complications. Hopefully we can feel sure about our decision once we make one. I don't want to mess anything up, and make a bad choice....

Here's a picture of little sister:

And a few more pictures and videos of Alba and Sophia...

Due

Today, our little baby would have been 'due'. I was kind of sad all day thinking about that, and thinking how wonderful it would be to hold a little baby in my arms right now. It made me miss that little one, but I have to say it has definitely helped immensely to be pregnant again. I have been dreading this day coming up with maybe me not being pregnant, and I just know it would have been so much more painful. Now, I'm comforted knowing there is one on the way, though it somehow doesn't make the waiting easier. Actually, I think today it was just harder. I wanted to have a little baby NOW and not next year. Next year sounds so far away. It also brought up questions again I still haven't figured out for myself - like what status those little babies have (was there a spirit, did this count as 'life', will that spirit come back in other body, etc). Some people have asked me what I think we're having, and I just don't know. Last time I felt so strongly that we'd have another girl coming. And now, I don't really feel anything - maybe because I still haven't figured out whether that lost little baby is coming back to us in another little body, or not....or...anywhere. I figure we'll have a girl, but who knows. So, today that confusion is back. That uncertainty of what really happens to those tiniest and earliest of lives that no one really talks about. And I wonder.

And ironically enough, today I've been the most nauseated I think I've been this whole pregnancy. At some point today I was ready to really complain about it, but Henry pointed out that it beats having a miscarriage, and I agree. I just feel bad when I have no desire or energy to do anything for anyone and I just kind of ignore Sophia and let her roam free. This lack of...desire is also why I probably haven't posted much on here, or really responded much to anyone in any way. But, I take this as a good sign and that this little one is thriving. Which makes this a day of gratitude and happiness as well as sadness for me.

Ok, enough of that. Due is also some tribute. Henry rode in the OSU Pelotonia yesterday. This is a cancer research fundraiser bike ride, and Henry raised $700 for this. The whole thing started off with a big party on Friday, where the Counting Crows were playing, and very delicious food was served. We weren't able to join Henry right away, because of a "one guest" rule only (and Sophia and I would be 2). But, later one we got in, and Sophia was going crazy with dance moves on the grass. It was really hilarious, except that it made me wonder what to expect in 14 years. It looks like we may have a serious party girl on our hands. Anyway, yesterday, Henry rode 102 miles from Columbus to Athens in only 6 hours - a really good time for someone who doesn't bike regularly. And he left the guys who rode with him from our ward in the dust by about 1.5 hours. It was really fun to meet him at the finish line and cheer him on. Good times! Unfortunately we found out that one of the riders yesterday died after being hit by a car. So, that put a bit of a damper on this great event. Other than that though I'm so excited for Henry's achievement, and the fun we had being part of this!





Sophia also loves to ride. She does enjoy biking big time, but here is a picture of her other riding passion. Do you notice the book she's looking at?

7 plus 13.1

A little warning for my male readership. The following paragraphs deal with 'female' issues. So, read at your own discretion.

7 = the number of pregnancy tests I took since April 2...Sounds like a lot, doesn't it? Don't worry, I don't need any biology lessons. I do think it's rather descriptive though of what the last month was like. A little OCD? Yeah. Maybe. Apparently my body has just barely recovered from the D and C, since I just barely started a period that I could recognize, for sure, as such. Up till two days ago, it was all more guessing, with lots of random little bleeding here and there. Which is why I kept testing, wondering if I my hcg levels had really gone down, or if maybe this was the 'pregnancy spotting' I've read about, or if the sudden dizzy spells that lasted a few days were maybe a pregnancy sign, or just to see if maybemaybemaybe I'm simply pregnant. Well, no such luck. I had planned to take another test yesterday morning, just to be sure. But honestly, the amounts of blood this time around were not leaving any room for questions. So there. I'm sure you wanted to read about all my current fertility issues. All I've got to say is, 3 months have passed, and I'm not pregnant again. And it's really hard on me.

Supposedly your period starts up 4-6 weeks after your surgery - 3 months for me. And supposedly you get pregnant faster after a miscarriage. I've heard of plenty of people who got pregnant again after a miscarriage within 3 months. Not me, either. I guess 3 months really isn't that long of a wait. But, it hasn't taken that long with Sophia or with Baby. I am getting nervous. I feel my biological clock is ticking mercilessly, and there's no time for lengthy set-backs. We wanted a bunch of kids, and we wanted them before I'm 38. Ooops, that leaves me with only about 5 years to get out those 3-4 kids we wanted. And so I realize that sometimes life doesn't go as planned, and that I may just have to readjust, and deal with things as they come. It shouldn't be a big deal, because clearly there are things far worse in life. All that I know. And yet, I want to be pregnant so badly, and it's just so hard to see 'everyone' pregnant. Today in Relief Society, the 3 ladies to my right were all pregnant. One girl behind me was pregnant, and two were holding their babies. Of the 2 ladies to my left, one had a little baby, and one had her 4th baby the same time I had Sophia (so maybe they're done). Then there were a few more women scattered in the room who were pregnant, and in front of me was my Relief Society president cuddling with her newborn. At that moment I just wanted to cry, because I want a little baby so bad. I want Sophia to have a little sister. I want to hold a little newborn, smelling their sweet baby scent, feeling their soft hair and skin on my cheek, seeing their little yawns and stretches, and sleepy smiles, having their tiny hands wrap around my finger.





One of my friends just had her baby, and she posted her birth story. I was worried that all the stuff I just wrote about would come up and make me cry all over again if I read it. It was a little hard, but when I saw the picture of her having her little baby, and what she wrote, I saw Sophia's birth before my eyes. I was so happy to remembering that day. What moment in life is more magical and special than when you greet a new little human in the world, a little person who was the result of the deep love and trust a husband and wife share? Missing our baby is sad. Waiting and wondering about when/if another baby will join us is hard. But remembering how Sophia joined us, is pure joy. Seeing Sophia every day, smiling, singing, dancing, drawing, talking, exploring - bliss.

13.1 -the distance of my second half-marathon I ran yesterday. I had kind of planned to run this marathon, but thought initially that I'd be pregnant and the plan was to see if I can get/be fit enough to do this pregnant. Then Henry got put on remediation, we had the miscarriage, health worries, trip to Germany, more worries/depression/chocolate eating etc. I definitely haven't worked out much this year. And I have gained 7 lbs since February. I wasn't really ready to run this half-marathon. My bladder was full from the get-go, and I had to go No. 2 for the whole run as well. I was also on my period. And I wasn't in shape. It also happened to rain, and I was running this one by myself. I think at mile 9 I just wanted to quit, and at mile 10 I had some weird breathing issues. But then I thought of our baby, and decided I'd run for her. I'd keep going because I can't quit on...well, on me, on our hopes, on happiness, on life, on having faith. At that moment I felt like if I can just hang in running, I can hang in with everything else. It really wasn't easy to finish (especially not the last 2 miles that were hills), but I'm glad to report that I hung in there. And I even ran this race faster than the last one, by about 9 minutes.

I have to think of Paul's words (2 Tim. 4:7):" I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course, I have kept the faith." Yesterday I did just that. And I hope one day I can look at my life and say those same words. So, here's to fighting, and finishing, and keeping the faith.

Today

• was Good Friday
• we looked at pictures of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross and I told Sophia what happened to Jesus on this day (he got a lot of big owies)
• we enjoyed a nice dinner
• we danced to ABBA
  
• we took long naps
• we cuddled a lot
• we laughed
  
• we planted our lettuce - Sophia was a great helper and loved it!
• we went on a bike ride enjoying the beautiful outside weather
• we thought of our little baby - today we would have found out whether it's a girl or boy
  

New Scripture

Well, at least to me. I started reading this parenting book, and I think it may become my second bible. Now, I'm not a big fan of parenting books, and I think I've only actually read on up till now (and wasn't too impressed with that one). Here is what I love about this one: First of all, it's not written by some pediatrician, who thinks he knows it all. Instead, this book was written by request of the American Psychological Association, and it was supposed to be a book that presented/taught all the latest research insights in regards to raising kids in a book written for the lay man. So, this isn't just opinion - this is what research has discovered for us. And not only that, but it's written in an accessible, interesting way (without quoting research at all so far). But the best really to me is what it teaches. As I read, I just can't help but feel that what I read are 'true principles', and if I can just manages to implement and do those things, I know we'll all be better off.

Here is one pearl of wisdom (that may seem like common sense to you) I've already gained:

• Reward positive behavior. We all know that, right? But do we do this? In the book it talked about how we need to acknowledge our children doing what we want them to do more. They said, for example, a child may play quietly and nicely, and so we don't do anything until they act up (when we start to discipline). Instead we should make efforts to acknowledge their desired behaviors as they take place. This doesn't have to be with lots of words or anything, but can just be a quick kiss as they do what we want them to do, a hug, a word of acknowledgment etc. When they are being good, let them know!!!

Honestly, I am so in love with this book already, and can only recommend it. So, if you're interested the book is called "Parenting that Works" by Edward R. Christophersen, PhD and Susan L. Mortweet PhD. I really think it's worth reading!

On another note, yesterday Sophia and I had a WIC appointment. When we sat down in the waiting area, there was a lady with a little baby. Sophia ran over there, and couldn't get enough of the baby. She tried to hug it, kiss it, play with it, pat it, and kept just looking at it and saying "Hi Baby". It was really cute, except it really kind of broke my heart. Last year we kept feeling over and over again how much Sophia would enjoy a sibling. We really felt it was time to add to the family, but I was a chicken and kept holding off for a few months. Then I got instantly pregnant once we tried, and now that little baby is gone. It made me wonder if things would have turned out differently had we tried sooner, or if this was in the plan all along but Sophia would have gotten the sibling that we feel she needs at a time better for her. Now she has to wait. And I have to wait. And I feel like we all hurt because of it. I miss our little baby. It's been 2 months now, but the pain I feel hasn't changed much. The ultra sound picture of baby is still on the fridge, and sometimes I still feel like crying, wishing things were different. Wishing I could have held this little baby. Wishing a little sister was on her way for Sophia. Wishing I knew when a sister is coming, or if a sibling will come at all. Sometimes I still wish our reality was a different one.

Silently

I still miss you, and think of you, and wish that I could hold you in my arms one day. Silently, I still get sad when I see someone else´s ultra sound, or see a friend who will have a baby around the time we would have had you, or when I remember all the plans we had envisioned for this year that included you. Silently, I still mourn our loss of not having you with us. And silently I wish that I wouldn´t feel so much like being silent, that I could talk about you and remember you more. Instead, I feel like you´re silently already slipping from our reality. And it has only been 4 weeks. I love you, with silent tears in my eyes.

Activism

I think I want to get more involved in pro-life movements. That's my recent conclusion. As I had to read up on D and C procedures, I came across way too much abortion stuff, and it really infuriated me. Now, don't get me wrong. I know there are good reasons at times for an abortion, and I don't seek to undermine that. I also am not a fan of millions of babies being born that were not wanted, and I think along with any anti-abortion involvement should come an equal involvement in preventing unwanted pregnancies. But, and here is my big but, there are too many inexcusable pregnancies, that are NOT the result of bad luck or rape or something, but simply the result of irresponsible sexual activity. And while it may be freaky to find yourself pregnant when you didn't want a baby, I don't think abortion should be the answer to irresponsible behavior. I think the most upsetting thing for me, while reading all that stuff is how easily these little fetuses are dismissed as 'valid lives'. It outrages me because I just lost a baby, and it's upsetting that there are people out there who want to declare this life I miss as invalid. Thanks guys. I'm so glad I have so many reproductive rights, even though you won't acknowledge the reality of my baby. Sweet.

Really, it's maddening to me. And it's maddening how many excuses we come up with to justify the common abortion. It irks me because I don't think that we would be ok with similar reasoning on other levels. For example, a lot of women choose abortions because they don't feel ready (financially/emotionally/time-wise) to take care of a baby. Ok. I can understand that. But, would that be a valid reason for eliminating life if we dealt with old parents? Or young children after our economic situation changed? I doubt it. Which means it all comes down to the definition of 'life'. So, here are my thoughts on 'life'. I think when there is a beating heart, and fairly distinguishable human features, you're dealing with a life. Some claim because a fetus can't live/survive on its own, it's not really a 'life'. Well, how many newborns can survive on their own? How many people on life-support can survive on their own? How many old people in rest homes can really survive on their own? There are lots of people who can't live/survive on their own. Yet, do we let everyone die who can't make it on their own? Why try to save someone who just had a horrible accident and needs serious medical intervention to live? Why help victims of natural disasters if they can't make it on their own? Hmmmm, maybe because, no matter what your religious or non-religious views are, there is this little part in our brains that tells us that the ethical thing to do is to sustain and protect life. And yet, with fetuses, instead of maybe trying to err on the side of caution, there is such a rampant willingness to ignore the possibility of life. All in the name of choice - like there wasn't a choice to be sexually active. Like there wasn't a choice to use contraceptives. Like there isn't a choice to give the child up for adoption. Like we're not robbing someone else of a choice by making our choice. Like there is no other option to deal with such a situation but abortion.

The poor logic of the 'pro-choice' movement drives me nuts. And I'm deeply upset to have my baby declared an invalid life, not worthy of protection. So, I think I'll get involved in something and try to promote some changes. I can't vote, but I can at least make my opinions heard. Here's to change!

Check out this link for starters. I really like the look of this movement.

Till We Meet Again

It's time to let you go, so today we had to say our final good-bye. We'll always love you and will be eager to hold you in our arms, whether you come back to us at another time or whether we have to wait to meet you.

Much love,
Mama, Papa and Sophia

P.S. The surgery went well, I guess. I'm at home trying to rest and recover, and most importantly eat! I haven't responded much to comments on the blog, or emails, and I apologize. I've read them all, and Henry and I are both incredibly grateful for all the prayers, love, support, empathy etc. we've received in the last month. I really feel that my burdens have been lightened as you have all 'mourned with those who mourn, and comforted those who stand in need of comfort'. And I don't think I've ever felt the results of prayers on our/my behalf as strongly as in the last weeks. Thanks so much!

Good-Bye Little One!

We thought Sophia's little sister was on her way. But, today at almost 10 weeks, and at our first ultra sound, they didn't find a heart beat, and said our little babe had stopped growing around 8 weeks. I know there will be another little baby, and a sister for Sophia. But I'm so sad to not meet this little one. Good bye little one. We would have loved to have you with us! :(