A Short History of My Breasts

I wrote this a few weeks ago as a post for Feminist Mormon Housewives. I also wanted to post it here.

A Short History of My Breasts

The other day I saw a beautiful picture of a naked woman in the woods. Surprisingly enough, when I saw the picture, it brought tears to my eyes. Apparently seeing someone the way they are, still smiling, even though another person is present to see their nakedness, to feel so comfortable to share yourself in such a way, was deeply touching to me. And also filling me a bit with envy. Because I'd rather die than have anyone see me naked. It got me thinking about my own discomfort with my body, and a life-long dislike in particular of my breasts. So, let me share with you a short history of my breasts.

When I was 11 years old, I got in a car with a strange man. He took me to a near-by forest, where supposedly an injured foal was laying, needing (my expert) help. Obviously, there was no foal. And as the man was walking in front of me into the forest, I suddenly realized the danger I was in, and thought I would get murdered in this forest. But the man turned around, said this was not the right spot, and we got back in his car. While sitting in his car, I noticed his penis hanging out of his pants. I also knew I had to get away, and decided to jump out of the driving car.  Unhurt, I got up and was heading for a corn field, when the man made one more attempt to lure me in, asking me to "do him some favors". I just ran off.

This experience set an early tone for how I would view my body - an object, wanted or needed by others for their own purposes. Maybe a year after this traumatizing event, I went to the public pool in my little home town. I do not recall the exact events, but remember wearing a modest one-piece swimsuit, and that I was standing in line for the slide, when some boys, maybe 14 years old, commented on my breasts. Even though I cannot remember if the comments were positive or negative, I can still almost feel the blush on my cheeks, and the embarrassment I felt. There I was, with nowhere to hide, and my body had just become an object of public commentary, something to be noticed, talked about, critiqued, like the rest of me was not there.

Then, one day, after visiting a friend who was also a member of the Church, I came home with a bikini the mother of the family had given me to keep. I had never worn a bikini, but appreciated the gift. Yet, when my parents found out about the bikini, it was promptly taken away. I did not understand my parents actions then. I was unsure why the bikini was upsetting to them. Nonetheless, I did understand that wearing one was not ok, and I felt guilty for having wanted to wear it. I was thirteen.

As a teenager I started dressing in ways to hide the shape of my body, especially my ever-present, and ever-sticking-out breasts. When I was looking for a dress for a dance, I found a beautiful dress that was luckily not emphasizing my breasts more than I wanted, and that I felt looked beautiful on me. However, my parents strongly objected to my wearing this dress, since the sleeves were half-off the shoulders. I ended up wearing a borrowed, simple dress from a friend, that fit too snuggly around my chest. The evening was spent self-consciously folding my arms in front of my chest.

I kept hiding myself under unshapely clothes, in hopes that no one would notice my body, or especially my breasts. That no one would comment. Maybe I was succeeding when a boy I really liked at age 16 called me fat. But I couldn't help thinking that part of my "fatness" was just my large breasts that would stick out and make the large clothes fall like a tent around me.

At 18 I was looking into breast reduction surgery. At the first appointment to schedule the surgery, I had to stand topless in front of a doctor, who analyzed the shape of my breasts, drew lines on  them and took pictures of them. A normal medical procedure, I'm sure. Yet, I felt deeply ashamed, and humiliated, wondering what this man was thinking as he drew on me and looked at me. The final obstacle to my surgery was having to see a gynecologist who approved of the surgery. Again, I was being seen by a man. He was kind, and felt that I was pursuing the surgery merely out of desperation (I certainly was! I just wanted those evil breasts gone), and encouraged me to wait a little, give the idea more time, and that as a professional, he felt my breast size was completely normal. When I came home from this appointment (that effectively prevented me from having the surgery), I grabbed a pair of scissors and chopped off my hair. I hated my body. I hated who I was. I hated the face looking back at me from the mirror. And in that moment, I wanted every part of my body to look as ugly and horrible as I felt.

Shortly before my twentieth birthday, I got endowed. Again, I remember the discomfort of not wanting my breasts to be noticed, and yet not wanting to look fat in the tent-like temple dresses rented out to patrons. My garments also complicated life as they kept riding around under my bra. Sometimes they'd get "sucked in" and slipped below my chest. I had now entered a new stage of life, where I'd be adding constant adjustments to a body part I already tried to not draw any attention to. Even further, for one part of my temple ceremonies, I could not wear a bra, and I tried to hide the embarrassment of walking around with completely uncontained full breasts with a humble look at the floor. They did not seem like receptacles of pure and virtuous principles. Instead, they were weighing me down with fear, shame and self-hatred. They seemed to make others uncomfortable in one way or another, and no matter what I did, they were always there. Doing what breasts do, without asking my permission.

I carried on, covering up, trying to hide the breasts God gave me, often times hating him for having burdened me in such a way. Why would he give me something that was impossible to hide, yet seemed to only bring out the worst in others, something that seemed to take over everything else I was? I hated God sometimes. Hated him for obviously being a man, because a woman never would have given me these breasts. A woman would have understood.

Then I met my future husband. When he brought me to a family reunion to meet his family, I later found out how some of them joked that he must be dating me for my breasts. There they were again, those breasts. They seemed to be what people noticed first.  But I did not want my husband to notice them. I wanted him to see me, love me, talk to me. For a long time, I avoided any water activities, because I did not want my husband to see me in a swimsuit. I knew my breasts were being squished together into a big "monoboob" in a swimsuit, and looked so unattractive along with being so very visible, that I couldn't bear the thought of a man I liked seeing me like that.

When I had to start looking for wedding dresses, terror filled my heart - terror that no dress would accommodate my chest, or that they would not fit well, making my breasts ooze out, take front and center stage, and possibly, on top of it all make me look fat.  I cried quite a few tears as I tried on dress after  dress, trying to find one that worked with those hated breasts.

But there was a deeper-seated fear in my heart, beyond the fear of how I would look in a wedding dress. I was terrified of my husband seeing me naked. In my heart, I just knew he'd be disappointed. I knew I could not measure up to whatever he had hoped for. Even though society seemed to value large breasts, I knew that my breasts were ugly. And bad, because they made me feel so uncomfortable when others noticed them.  The weeks leading up to our wedding, I would often stand in the shower, and end up crying on the floor of the tub as I looked at and felt my naked body.

During our wedding night, my husband left my breasts alone. Those hated breasts. Then I cried and cried the next morning, while my husband got us some food. I had faithfully hid them away all those years, and tried to ignore the discomfort and embarrassment they brought into my life. But now, as much as I hated them, I still wanted someone to love them, or love me, despite everything those breasts seemed to entail. Luckily, it was just a misunderstanding, and my husband simply did not want to objectify me, or make me think he only cared about my breasts. Because that's what we care about in society - breasts.  And that's is all I thought I was, for better or worse, - a pair of breasts.

With marriage, eventually, came pregnancy, and the breast hiding continued. I was now constantly tugging at my bra, as my breasts gained in size, and didn't fit into my bras properly. They'd spill out on top, once again leaving me embarrassed as I tried to push the "double-boobs" back into a bra that refused to fit. No blanket seemed big enough to cover the space I needed covered when nursing. The first weeks of motherhood, I hid in my bed room, too ashamed to have anyone see me, even my own mother. To make nursing easier, I now also wore my garment tops  over my bra. Yet, an unpleasant side-effect was that my big breasts made pretty much any shirt a tight fit, and parts of my garments that I had covenanted to keep private were on constant display. I tried to remedy the situation by getting silk-screened tops, but the distribution center said they could not do that. Finally, during a flight my husband was trying to help me stay covered as I nursed our baby, and had to endure my anger when he accidentally bared some of my breasts for a second. No one should have to see my breasts.

But if it was not pregnancy or nursing, it was always something else. About a year after my first child was born, I ran my first half-marathon. My husband took a video clip of me as I passed the 10-mile marker. When I saw the clip, I immediately deleted it. Even though I looked proud and strong as I passed mile 10, my breasts were clearly swinging side to side, despite two sports bras I was wearing. The image horrified me, and overshadowed my accomplishments of a race well run with concerns of people having seen me with breasts bobbing all over the place.

Now my breasts just sag, almost down to my belly button (ok, maybe not quite), after having busted the buttons on many a shirt, moved garments up and down, exposed themselves by accident to various people, have been drawn on, felt and squished by various doctors and nurses, invited commentary, created inappropriate thoughts, fed 3 babies, pleased my husband, and met people before I did. My breasts  - two parts of me that seem to define me, control me, and dictate what the world notices about me.

When I saw the picture of that naked woman, I thought of my breasts. My body. And how I feel I've never owned myself. I wish that I could experience that paradisiacal moment Adam and Eve experienced in the Garden of Eden. To be naked,  to be without shame over my body, to push away the world that tries to own it, and see myself, the human God made, and know that this body I wear is "very good". "And I, God, saw everything that I had made, and, behold, all things which I had made were very ^agood;" (Moses 2:31).

The Only True and Living Church

Ok, I want to talk about that. The only true and living Church. This is something we hear a lot in Church, that we're the ones with all the truth, the only ones with all the truth, and in essence how important being Mormon is to your salvation. After all, that's why we do missionary work, right?

Well, that's something that has changed for me. I really don't think I can confidently say anymore that I think we're the only 'true' Church. Let me tell you how I got there.

A while ago (like at least a year ago or so), I started thinking about how God loves all of his children. The atonement was a gift provided and done so ALL may partake, and all may have the opportunity to return to Heavenly Father. There are so many scriptures that indicate to me that God is a pretty fair guy who will give us all the same realistic shot at salvation.

I think most Mormons believe that. Yet, we also believe that it's terribly important to become a member in this life. We spend lots of time discussing how we can better share the gospel, and basically how we can be better missionaries. Somehow, bringing people into the Church is a huge deal. We also spend a lot of time on redeeming the dead, because we believe these ordinances to be that important. Well, that's all good and dandy. But one day, when I looked at what percentage of the world population Mormonism makes up, I ran into a problem. With our 14 million members (which includes at least 50% of people who are completely inactive or may not even consider themselves Mormon anymore), we're not even making up 1% of the world population. Actually, it's more like .5% of the world population. We're  basically nobody, in terms of religion. And that got me thinking...

I was wondering if it's so important to become a member in this life, then how come that the gospel is only accessible to a miniscule population of the world. Obviously, this may not necessarily be God's fault, since many laws that prevent missionaries from entering certain countries are probably not something God created. But I also think God knew  how the world would be, that people would be living in various situations and with different religious up-bringings and that it'd be pretty hard for many of his children to either even have a chance to hear the gospel, and  if they did hear it, maybe not be able to change their hearts, because our upbringings can be such that it's really really really difficult to embrace another way of thinking and/or believing.

That's, of course, not yet reason to despair for us Mormons. Because, luckily, we believe that if someone didn't have a chance to hear the gospel in this life, then no prob - they can hear about it in the next life.

I love that concept, and it works for me. Except, if it is no big deal to hear about it in the next life, then why are we making SUCH A BIG deal out of hearing it in this life? I mean, we push missionary work like nothing else, and we despair over all those people who don't join and/or go inactive. But if there's hope in the next life, then what's the big deal? Why not just serve people, and take things as they come?

My understanding was that we still somehow believe you're better off as a member in THIS life, because, you know, things we learn in this life will come with us to the next, etc. But then I struggle again with that idea, because it puts the lucky ones who were born into the Church or managed to hear about the Church at a very unfair spiritual advantage. And I can't believe that's how God operates.

I thought about this for a long time now. And I've simply come to the conclusion that I don't think being a member of the Church is terribly important. I do think it's important that we follow Christ. I think learning christ-like attributes (aka becoming like our Savior) is the goal of our mortal existence, and I believe that all of God's children can learn these attributes regardless of their life situation and/or religious back-ground. In other words, I think a Hindu or Muslim or Catholic or Mormon can all learn to be honest, kind, chaste, long-suffering, serving, faithful, etc. I also think that commitment to God is important, and blesses us, but I suspect that God can also accept that a Hindu who's expressing his devotion in ways that may differ from the Christian approach, is still worthy of God's guidance, love and equal chance at salvation as any Mormon would be.

I just cannot imagine that I'm the lucky one, who was born into Mormonism, who now has this huge spiritual advantage and privilege and everyone else has to just hope for the best, wait till the next life, or who knows what. I just cannot believe it. It seems so...unfair.

But of course, with those thoughts, I've also started wondering how important it is for me to dedicate endless amounts of time to shove my beliefs down someone else's throat who's maybe perfectly happy in their faith, and is clearly becoming a better person by virtue of their religion (possibly even better than half of the active Mormons I know). And why should I spend endless amounts of time redeeming the  dead, when I have people in this world, right now, right around me, who are in great need NOW. Certainly, those who've already passed on, can wait a little longer on their salvation, now having a better, and more eternal perspective?

I still think there are great blessings that come from having the doctrines of our Church available. Actually, I think our doctrines are the gospel of Christ. And I think those doctrines will bring the growth and happiness that are important for all of us in this life. But, I don't think being Mormon is an actual doctrinal truth and/or need. I mean, you can actually be baptized by a priesthood holder, and NOT become a member of the Church. You're not being baptized INTO the Church, if you think about it. It's just kind of a side-effect of baptism. So, to me it seems that the ordinance of baptism, and Church membership in truth are two separate matters.

Dunno...I don't claim to have it all figured out. But I really struggle these days to think that we're the smart know it-alls, who have all the truth and what not, who have the only way to Salvation, and those other 99% are just terribly unfortunate. Really? It seems so....unlikely, and unfair.

Confessions

Ok. I'll admit it here and now. Life is crazy right now.  I think I've been in denial for a while, but I just feel...overwhelmed, and completely out of balance.

Emilia has definitely pushed us into new territory in terms of parenthood. Suddenly, taking care of kids, and the house seems a relentless job, that's always needing attention. I feel pushed to choose between order, and paying attention to my children's needs (something I struggle with), and taking care of my own needs. It's been hard.

In short, I feel like my life is unraveling somehow. I struggle with my weight. I struggle with eating healthy. I struggle with getting enough rest. I struggle with giving my kids enough attention. I struggle with teaching them all the things I want to teach them. I struggle with getting exercise. I struggle with working on developing myself. Henry and I struggle finding time for just the two of us. And lastly, I struggle with Church.

I'm sure I'm missing some struggles, but that would just be another struggle, right?

Oooophh. I used to write for sanity. Now I don't even feel like I have the energy and/or desire to write. Yet, I want to capture what is happening in our lives. I want to capture my kids, and their lives. Because, crazy as it all feels right now, I love them. Dearly. Deeply. Emilia has stopped crying as much. She's been rolling over. She's has the biggest and cutest and most ready smiles on her face most of the time. Alba is full of songs, and words, and is wild and independent, and loves horses and sheep. Sophia is curious and always eager to learn, and to meet new friends. Alba and Sophia are both kind and helpful. We do a lot of family trips. Things are good. And yet, I just feel tired and overwhelmed. Ooophhh.

But, I didn't want to write about family today. I wanted to write about Church. It's been on my mind, a lot. And for years now. So, here are my religious confessions. My testimony isn't the same it was a few years ago. I'm not sure anymore what it is these days, but it has changed a lot.

A few years ago, things started changing. I had heard quite a few stories about/from friends about how they were treated by various Church leaders. It wasn't just friends though, it was also family. Some of the stuff was just "wrong" while other stuff was "really wrong". It came coupled with friends leaving the Church (good friends, honest friends, faithful friends who had served missions and had been active their whole lives), and rode on the back of having had my best friend leave the Church years before, with lots of tears, and hurt feelings, saying no one ever looked into Church history and no one understood. I didn't know what she was talking about, but I said, I'd look. And I did...and started reading more about polygamy, one of the topics that bothered her the most (I think). And when I was done, I was deeply troubled as well. Something had already changed back then. I felt back then that Joseph Smith must have made a mistake with all the polygamy stuff. I just couldn't believe it was off God. And if it wasn't God's will, then Joseph Smith messed up. And that day, my beliefs about prophets changed. I technically never believed prophets to be infallible. Our doctrine is clear that all men can/will make mistakes. The scriptures are full of examples. Yet, somehow, I still held the notion that at least the high-up leaders, like, apostles and prophets, cannot really make any major mistakes. Just tiny ones. Just itty-bitty sins of omission or something.

When I started hearing story after story of misconduct by leaders, it kept grating at me, and really made me feel like inspiration is a hit-and-miss matter. That prophets, apostles, seventies, and local leaders MAY be inspired, but not necessarily so. Some things are true. And some things are just personal opinion and bad or out-dated advice/views.

Anyway, basically, I started thinking more about Church, about Church culture, what is actual doctrine, and what's just tradition. I've read more and more about Church history, past teachings, and current teachings...and wow. It's like I've opened pandora's box of religion, or something.

The funny thing is that as my views and beliefs have kind of changed, and evolved, I've not really dared say much about it. Almost 2 years ago, I posted something on this blog about how priesthood leaders can be bad. A ward members (not a friend) somehow read the post, and passed it on to my then bishop. Without me knowing it, my bishop started reading my blog, and another blog I had started. He also tried to assess my testimony, without letting me know though that he had been informed about my blog by a member who was troubled by  my views on the priesthood. When I arrived in my new ward, and had a temple recommend interview with my new bishop, I was called back into his office a few weeks after. What followed then was one of the most awful Church experiences of my life. My bishop called me and Henry in. We thought we'd get a new calling or something, but my Bishop started asking me whether I still had a blog under this address. I confirmed it, but was confused as to why he'd know about this, and why he'd ask about it. Within seconds I was "on trial". Literally. My bishop told me that he had called my old bishop, that he told him about this blog, and his concerns, and my new bishop suggested that he may have to take my recommend because I had been lying. All the while, I sat there, in shock, with no clue what he was talking about, what I had supposedly lied about, and just in general what the hell was going on. No one had EVER talked to me about what was going on. Henry also just sat there stunned.

It took quite a bit of talking to set the matter right. I called my old bishop, who admitted that maybe he should have talked to me about it, but who did not feel that listening to the tattling of a ward member was inappropriate. No. He said it was all done out of love and concern. Of course.

The reason I share this is because this experience for the first time let me see what it's like when you're being mistreated by a leader. It was the weirdest thing. I barely dared to tell any members, because I was afraid of being seen as the one in the wrong, that I MUST have somehow contributed to being treated this way, or maybe, that this wasn't as big of a deal. When I told a non-member they were shocked I was putting up with such crap, and that anyone would dare treat someone like that over something private like a blog post.

This experience has only cemented my dwindling trust in Church leaders. Add to that, having had major, MAJOR problems with our ward primary president since we've gotten here, and having been chewed out by the Bishop over the issues as well when I tried to bring them to him for resolution.

So, ...what was my point again? I don't know. The truth is that I have very little trust in Church leaders anymore. I really don't. I've met kind, good leaders who truly seek to serve, and who I'm sure seek inspiration. And I've seen the opposite. I've realized that no matter what office anyone holds, inspiration is not a given. And I need to seek truth independently. Whatever someone says, I need to verify that that is true or not.

As I've tried to do that, and as I've read and pondered the gospel more, tried to understand doctrine and culture, I've learned a lot. I've learned muchmuchmuch about those who feel disaffected with the Church. I've learned more about we push  people out of the Church with our dogmatic approach to just about everything. We seem to always be threatened by anyone who doesn't fit the mold, who expressed unorthodox views, and who doesn't do as everyone else does.

Realizing that has been hard. And painful. I participated in something called "Wear Pants to Church" day (google it, if you haven't heard of it). It was just about wearing pants to Church for one Sunday. You'd think something as trivial as the clothing on the lower part of my body would hardly matter. I wore pants to Church for that day, nice dress pants...no one said anything and yet, I found out later, the whole ward has been talking about my pant-wearing ways.

I've started to see...see how much time and thought we dedicate to what people wear, whether they wear skirts or pants, white shirts or not, whether they have just one pair of ear-rings or more. It's like we're getting caught up in rules, and details that have no impact on our Salvation. Mostly, because we take stuff prophets say, and run with the obvious as if it's Gospel truth. Without thought. Without discernment as to whether it's advice, opinion or doctrine.

Ok. I'm rambling. I realize it. But it's just all coming out, and I want to talk about this. I want to talk about how strange it is how we do all these things in Church, some of them we don't even know why. I mean, for example, paying tithing. It seems like some known fact that a "full" tithe is 10% of your income either right after taxes, or before taxes were taken out. Really? How do we know that? There are some scriptures, but those scriptures don't teach that concept. If there are statements from prophets, where are those? How come they're not canonized or easily accessible, considering that paying a full-tithe is something I need to do to enter the temple (something deeply important for my salvation, right?).

I...I don't even know where to start. It's like I've opened the flood-gates of questions. There is so much that doesn't make sense to me anymore. There is so much that still makes complete sense to me. There is so much I believe the same as I've always believed. And much that has changed.

But the reason why I share all this is that the crappiest part of all of this has been feeling like an outcast. Like an apostate - because back in the day, when I heard others share some of the things I'm thinking about, I'd always think of them as apostates. I remember my best friend making a comment to me (before she left the Church) about stuff that bothered her about Brigham Young. And I teasingly called her an apostate. Because...our leaders are always right, correct? Clearly, if you have any doubts, any questions about the Church, that's the only thing you can be.

It hurts so much. And it's felt so terribly lonely. Because, I haven't really changed. I just went to the temple last month. We still pray. We still do FHE. We still go to Church every Sunday. We still read our scriptures. I teach in RS. Nothing is really different. And yet, it feels like everything is. And feeling alone, like you can't say it, because everyone always assumes something is wrong with YOU, just sucks.

I saw this clip a few weeks ago. It's really cheesy (because, that's just what you get when Mormons makes little movies), and I don't like the ending (because, happy endings aren't always what happens), but when Henry and I watched, we still kind of sat there, and felt like this was a pretty good rendition of our situation.

Watch the clip here. http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=nR3uxbxRUz8

And...now I've said it. And there's much more I could say as I've thought and pondered my faith and our doctrines. Like, I think women should be ordained to the priesthood. And that I'll continue wearing pants to Church, unless I feel like wearing a skirt. And I've worn pants to the temple. And I now consider myself a feminist. And that I think we can do so much more to create equality within the church. And that we should. And that I feel it matters.

Read this http://boydpetersen.com/2013/03/21/fourteen-years-later-a-response-to-the-priesthood-mens-last-best-hope/ and this http://www.fairlds.org/fair-conferences/2012-fair-conference/2012-to-do-the-business-of-the-church-a-cooperative-paradigm on the topics of equality within the Church.

I could talk about so much more that I don't feel so sure anymore to be "gospel truth". I could also talk about how I'm not so sure I've got it right, how daunting and overwhelming it is to feel responsible for getting your personal answer on every thing you hear and should act on. Being an authentic person, who acts with purpose and integrity, and tries to really find truth and act accordingly...it's a bit scary sometimes. And so I'm sure I get things wrong. Even worse, going against the grain, going against the status quo, even if you truly feel it's right is not easy. It makes you doubt yourself, and your answers and feelings.

So, again it sucks. And even suckier is the thought that I may post this, and still a lot of my friends may not really get what I'm talking about. Or feel uncomfortable, and withdraw from me...

Life is tricky these days. How did I get here?

Sigh...

Sometimes life is just hard. And sometimes I feel like I make it hard for myself. Or something like that.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I had a gazillion thoughts on my mind that I had wanted to write about. Then Henry wanted to spend time with me, and pulled me away from my addiction. And the next morning when I turned on the computer, it was dead. A week past before we had a new one, and by then my thoughts had probably grown exponentially to several gazillions - at which point it seemed impossible to even scratch the surface of all the things  I wanted to get "out on paper" (read: vast cyper space).

But now I do want to write down my thoughts, except they are still so over the place I don't know where to start. And, I committed to write a personal essay on the topic of "Women in Transition" that needs to be done by Friday, and it still needs a lot of work (it's pretty crappy so far I think, and I'm embarrassed if it stays horrible like this), thus maybe I should focus my energies elsewhere. However, we had this lovely RS lesson today that was so enjoyable for me that I actually (for the first time, I think) left RS. I just couldn't sit through it today.

And maybe that's where I should start. Today. Today was a good day. I went to Church and I wanted to feel the Spirit. I've been trying to focus on what matters, and felt all positive. We made it to Church on time, even. I had my scriptures with me. I was ready. Sacrament meeting was nice. We had some great talks about coming unto Christ. I particularly loved the spontaneous testimony given by a lady I've been assigned to visit teach (and who probably thinks I'm a freak by now because when I went to visit her for the first time, I just "fell in love" - as in I just felt such appreciation for her right away and so connected...it's been a while I've felt that way). We also had a great Sunday School lesson (also taught by the same visiting teachee lady). Then came RS. I'll admit that I'm not a fan of the teacher. She's a very kind, fun person. It's nothing personal really, because really, she is a great girl. But, when it comes down to teaching in Church - well, just about everything rubs me the wrong way. It's hard for me to move past a lot of things that I feel are very cheesy or simplistic/naive or, well, plain wrong. And yet, she's so kind - even when I raise my hand to make another annoying comment that is 20 minutes long and goes against half of what she just said, she listens carefully and kindly and finds something positive about my comment. It's almost maddening to a wicked soul like me.

Ok, now why am I even mentioning all this. I don't know actually. I really hated today's lesson. But, the main reason why I found it so unsavory is really because of all the gazillion thoughts I've thought about in the last few months. A few years ago, my best friend left the Church. It was a real shock for me. I remember her long letter she wrote, explaining her choice. It was mainly for Church history reasons and how she felt she simply couldn't believe certain things anymore (like Joseph Smith being a prophet etc.). I was  incredibly sad. This happened shortly after a family member also deciding to leave the Church (which was a choice based on having unsuccessfully fought homosexuality for a long time, and this family member now wanting to find a partner). So, it was a rough time for me, and I recall getting pretty frustrated with my friend. The way I reacted to her, I think damaged our relationship beyond repair, and I'm sad to this day how our paths have separated. Recently, I feel like I've had some sort of, urm, deja vu - similar situations coming up again in my life. In the last little while, I've heard from quite a few friends and acquaintances who have left the Church or who are really struggling.

Often times, when someone leaves the Church, or struggles, we chalk it up to a weak testimony or having sinned, or being prideful or whatever. But, with all my friends, they left because they studied Church history, and it simply killed whatever faith they had. Maybe that's what a weak testimony is. However, I have felt that truth should always withstand investigation, and a testimony that was build on truth would not crumble when its basis was carefully investigated. So, this time around, I didn't just want to lash out at my friends. I wanted to understand. I'd like to think that that's a good thing. And I think in many ways it has been, but it's made my life harder in many ways as well.

In the last little while, I have tried to really learn more about our Church's history. I've read several historic books about Joseph Smith and also about Emma Smith. I've read a lot of different blogs discussing current Mormon thought. And it's really made me think. Some of the thoughts that I've come across have always been things I've thought/felt. Some have newly developed. And some things I'm just not sure about. In a way I feel like my own testimony is under reconstruction. I'm re-thinking, re-learning, re-examining and re-gaining. Occasionally I feel like drift wood, rubbed thin and washed ashore some strange place. In other ways though I feel like my testimony or relationship with God is undergoing a real revival, becoming more alive again, more sincere again, more meaningful, and that seeking the guidance of the Spirit is taking on a whole new role in my life.

What does that all have to do with today? Well, as I've read and learned and thought etc. I've gotten to some place where I feel I'm in a good place. But, it's not the place where the majority of members are. I'm not trying to say I'm right and others are wrong. It's more of a "I'm thinking/believing A and everyone else believes B" sort of thing. The hardest thing for me right now is how I view our Church leaders. Some of the stories I've heard in the last few months have just made it more clear to me than ever how imperfect our leaders are. You may all agree with me that no one is perfect. I'd like to think we all agree on that. But, I mean seriously imperfect. As in "sinning" imperfect, or as in seriously unrighteous counsel or whatever. There are bad bishops. There are bad stake presidents. There are in fact, bad seventies. And with bad, I don't mean evil. I just mean they really mess up sometimes. And, as it goes, I also believe this applies to prophets and apostles. When I read about Joseph Smith and his life, and how, for example, he practiced polygamy for about 10 years before he ever told Emma, I just have a very very very hard time to believe that this was inspired or the will of God. I.just.don't. believe.it. Now, there is a good chance that historic records got something wrong. There could be all kinds of explanations. But, I think it's also very possible that he simply messed up. Why not? There is no Mormon doctrine of prophets being infallible.

You may say, well, they are not infallible, but if they lead us astray, God will remove them. Yep. I'm willing to believe that was well. But how would that removal look like? Death, maybe? Well, Joseph Smith died. And all prophets after him died, too. It's pretty hard to know when a prophet is being removed by God and when his time was simply up, wouldn't you agree? So, I think we simply don't know when a prophet messes up and when he doesn't. The interesting thing to me is that it doesn't really matter. We've been advised and taught in the scriptures and from past prophets that we shouldn't just follow blindly - that we should always get a witness from the Spirit. Yet, these days it seems like all you need to know is that the prophet is called of God, and then you have to seek no further witnesses. That's so bizarre to me.

Anyway, my feelings about believing that the Church leaders aren't perfect was just a starting point of some of my changes. It has expanded to how I view a lot of things we do in Church that is presented as if it's doctrine, that I actually don't believe is doctrine, and that don't even make sense when you think about them more carefully. For example, today's RS lesson was on Family Responsibilities. In no time we were talking about priesthood and women, with the talk about women not having/needing the priesthood because we have babies. Right. I say BS to that because first of all, we have no teachings/scriptures that explain why the men have the priesthood and women don't. We don't really know. Further, we've had Elder Nelson say that priesthood is not gender, and Pres. Hinckely say that women could hold the priesthood if God gave a revelation in regards to that. Considering that at some point blacks couldn't hold the priesthood (for no known reason), and then a revelation was received, it's not illogical to think that maybe women will also hold the priesthood at some point.

Well, some of you may say women already hold the priesthood, or we don't need the priesthood. Sure. I agree with both of those ideas. I don't feel like I need more responsibility. But, I don't understand that if I DO hold the priesthood (which some people believe because of what women do during initiatories in the temple, and what I also believe because in the olden Church days, women actually gave blessing of healing by the laying on of hands, sometimes together with the men! Yes. Did you know that?) then why do the men need to do everything. For example, if we hold the priesthood, why can the RS president not act on her own accord without constant approval from the Bishop? Why can she not choose the next president? Why does it have to be run by a man? If we look at how the Church operates, there isn't much/anything that suggests that women have any sort of priesthood authority on their own other than whatever authority is given by those we officially believe to have the priesthood authority - and that's never a woman. Do women need to have the priesthood? Well, I don't think we NEED to per se. It's not like I'm personally dying for more opportunities to, urm, serve. However, when I think about how awkward it may be for a young woman to answer questions about chastity when talking with an old man you barely know - I think there may be great benefit to women also having the priesthood, or the authority to help the women in their stewardship to repent and change and come unto Christ.

The more I think about these things, the absurder it seems to me at times to think that there is something inherent in the priesthood that women cannot or should not do. The main part of the priesthood is to perform certain ordinances. I'm totally fine with the guys doing that. I don't need to baptize anyone or ordain anyone. I'm also fine with them giving blessings or blessing the sacrament. Really. But, what is it about the priesthood that only men get called as Mission presidents for example, and run the whole mission. The wives always have to join them, and they even get set apart. But, we don't even have a term for what they are other than "the Mission President's Wife". They are there to support their husbands while the husband runs the mission. Why can they  not interview the sister missionaries? Instruct the sisters? Work with the sisters? Be there for the sisters? Why does the "priesthood" have to do all of that? None of those things are direct priesthood responsibilities. They are things women could do just as well. Yet, we don't. It may not matter much. But if you're the one who has to explain embarrassing or very private issues of sexual nature to a man, I bet you'd rather have the mission president's wife in front of you as well.

Anyway, now back to today. We were supposed to talk about Family responsibilities. It could have been a nice lesson. But in no time it was about men having the priesthood and women having babies. And that concept just drives me nuts. Women can only have babies with the help of men. No woman gets pregnant by herself. Men don't need women to get the priesthood. Also, any worthy man can hold the priesthood, but a woman, no matter how righteous, if not married or fertile cannot live out her "priesthood". So, that whole idea is just a bunch of BS to me. It doesn't make sense at all. Further more, as much as I love motherhood, and I love it deeply, and as much as I love being at home with my kids, which is my favorite job I've had so far, our role as women has got to include a little more than bearing children. If the main role for men is to use their priesthood to serve, preside, guide, lead, bless, strengthen, etc. and for women to have children (who will then be guided, taught, presided over, blessed and provided for by the man) it really leaves women with very little that they're actually responsible for other than getting pregnant, having the kids and then feeding them, cleaning up after them and taking care of the home. Now, don't get me wrong - I fully believe that raising children well is the most valuable thing any human being can do. Ever. But, when men can and should do all those things as well, you wonder what you're necessary for other than cooking and cleaning, which is something we rarely seem to expect the men to do. It's very easy to end up feeling as if your "sacred role" is not that of a complete, capable, spiritual being, but simply to be a a little home maker. And even worse, if you're not married, what is your role then? You cannot even have children - your assigned, divine role.

Arghhhhh. Anyway. Ok enough of that. So, we talked about babies and priesthood. And after we talked how sad it is when someone who's a good person, who's happy and productive and living a good life, isn't a member of the Church. And that's when I just wanted to run. I love the gospel. I think the gospel provide hope and light and strength beyond what any human could ever give us. I'm so grateful for having the gospel of Christ in my life. But, I'm so tired of the idea that anyone who isn't Mormon is somehow less happy, or doomed to some horrible fate. Happiness doesn't come from being Mormon. It comes from living the principles of the gospel of Christ. Anyone who lives righteously, will reap those benefits. If we think about all the things that go wrong in this world, I think being sad over someone living a good, honest, righteous life outside the Church shouldn't be cause for weeping. It's reducing those people to nothing but their Church denomination, like nothing else about them matters. It makes me want to rip out my hair. Especially since this weeping and moaning only drives wedges between us and the people we want to join us. No one wants to join a Church when you don't feel fully loved and accepted and valued beforehand the way you are. And lastly, why even worry so much. Life is long. We don't know what the future will bring? We don't know how God will judge things in the next life or who will join the Church in the next life, when we have a better understanding. This black and white thinking of whoever doesn't join in this life, on purpose, is doomed in the next, is just silly to me. Life is so extremely complex. We're so influenced by  our experiences, culture, etc. Who are we to judge who really had a good chance at understanding the gospel and who didn't? It's absurd.

Ok, I'm sure that at this point you noticed I'm ranting. Let me say this. I love the gospel of Christ. I really do. I also believe in the organization of the Church. I believe in prophets, and apostles. I believe in revelation, and inspiration. I believe in priesthood power. However, I don't believe that everything we hear from the pulpit (no matter who is speaking) is the word of God. I think we always need to rely on the Spirit to help us know what is true and what is not, and what matters for us, and what does not. I believe we have a lot of cultural influences in the Church. And I struggle with that. Very much. (Cultural, as in thinking that women who work are evil, even though a) almost all stay-at-home-moms I know have jobs on the side and b) it's only in the Western world that we can even entertain the idea of having kids and one parent not working - unfathomable in most other parts of the world).

I'm tired. This got so long already. And I have only talked about half of what I wanted to talk about. I haven't even ranted yet about 4th of July testimony meeting. I guess I have to save that for another day.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't me. I realize that I need to be more humble. And I most definitely need to work more on loving others in my ward right now unconditionally, and not be annoyed by what I consider naivete and ignorance. Who am I to judge or to think that I know "better" than someone else. I am where I am spiritually. And others are somewhere else. That's ok. I guess it just gets a bit lonely and frustrating when you are the only one who thinks a certain way, and even more when it sometimes feels like you're borderline apostate or something just because you don't hold some of the weird, traditional, undoctrinal views most other Mormons hold.

Therefore, sometimes I wish I was like everyone else, conforming, believing, unquestioning, and authority respecting. But I'm not. And I've always had an issue with authority. And I've always been the odd one out, I guess. It sucks at times, but hopefully there is a purpose to having people like me in the world...

Black Hole

Henry said yesterday that it's time for another blog post. Seeing how he's the patriarch of the family, he must be right. Just kidding - on the patriarch stuff. Anyway, it IS time. I've just had all kinds of stuff on my mind, and I didn't really have time to sit down and verbalize it all on here.

Anyway, so Henry is done with school. And after 2 months of non-stop family visiting, the last of them finally left 1 week ago. After that Henry and I were in a frenzy to clean and organize the house, get all kinds of stuff done that has gotten neglected over the last few months/years, and then it happened. Saturday, it happened. We had all our errands taken care off. There was nothing specific that needed to be done. And both of us were at home. And had time. It was so shocking, I didn't really know what to do. And it's been so long that we just had a day to do whatever we wanted, I almost couldn't think of anything. It was like we only knew how to be on one certain track, and now that we were on another one, we tried to keep going on the old track. We finally figured out how to get all of ourselves into the car and go swimming.

Then Sunday came along, as it usually does right after Saturday. And I think on Sunday I just sank into this black hole of my new reality. We had another rather un-edifying Sunday (for me) with a really annoying talk on how the men are the leaders in all areas of life (the talk was supposed to be on how the YM program prepares the young men to be fathers, I think), and then a lesson on obedience in RS that included beautiful tidbits such as blind faith being necessary for gaining testimonies (I don't think so...since there is no such thing as blind faith, at least not by common definition of faith) or how Joseph Smith always obeyed God in all things (really? trying to take the gold plates for personal gain, and being chastised by Moroni for it, or giving away the 116 pages of the BoM after Heavenly Father said no to that request twice, don't count? Not to mention all the transgressions Joseph Smith himself only allures to...).

I came home and I just felt down, and empty. And really alone. I have been feeling rather isolated recently. All my good friends I made here in Columbus have moved away. The last of them just moved now after graduation. And now I feel like this awkward left-over, who should be moving on, but isn't yet. I got overwhelmed by suddenly having all this time again, and realizing that I don't really have any good friends here. I miss having book clubs, I miss having people to talk to. I miss having someone around who can actually bear just hearing some of my "oh-so-apostate-or-liberal" thoughts. Having those lessons/talks in Church somehow just consolidated that feeling of isolation. It's hard when I feel my social life depends on the people in Church, and I feel like I have nothing in common with those people. Urgh.

So, I started feeling all gloomy and depressed and alone. And unsure what the future will bring. We have to actually find employment now (or rather a practice to buy). And I have to figure out what to do with my husband now that I actually get to see him. And figure out stuff that doesn't cost, because we're really broke.

I think the house just feels empty, and my world has been a whirlwind of craziness in the last months, and now that it's all quiet again, I just don't know what to do.

I have resolved, however, to be more believing again, and to be more loving. While it's really hard for me right now to hear some of the things I regularly hear in Church and that I think are a bunch of BS, I realize that my ultimate goal is to be like my Savior. Being like Christ, to me is being loving and long-suffering. I decided my focus is on the wrong things. There is no need for me to enlighten others to the error of their ways/thinking (like I could never be wrong?). I realized it's ok to let others believe some of the things they believe, no matter how problematic or uninformed those beliefs seem to me. Maybe more specifically I realized, Church really isn't so much about actual truth being taught consistently (which would be GREAT!), but rather it's a place of learning for all of us. A whole bunch of very imperfect people coming together and trying to come unto Christ. And then I also realized what matters is who I am, and how I live. And I want to live like my Savior - lifting up those around me, serving where I can, learning to love and forgive, regardless of person. Everything else, what others believe and do, is rather irrelevant. If I am close to my Heavenly Father, and live my life guided by the Spirit, I'll know what to do, and I can guide my kids accordingly, and the right things will be clear - regardless of what happens at Church. In short, I realized I'm judging, and whether my judgments are spot on or not, I'm still judging. I've been commanded not to. So, I better quit!

All that. And I want Henry to find a source of steady income. Quickly. Because it makes me nervous to live on so little, and knowing we have to pay back our debts soon, and wanting to move and settle down somewhere real bad, and plan my future and stuff and not being able to because we're in limbo.

I still miss my friends though. Fran is a herd animal. I'm not meant to be alone with my kids and husband all day every day.

P.S. Did  I mention that I started training for a marathon? Yeah...

He is Risen

But there is a resurrection therefore the grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.

 He is the light and the life of the world; yea, a light that is endless, that can never be darkened; yea, and also a life which is endless, that there can be no more death.

Mosiah 16:8,9

Easter, to me, is the most meaningful holiday of them all. I love those verses from Mosiah as they really reflect my feelings on Christ and the atonement. What an amazing thing to think that the grave has no victory, that death is just temporal, that life is actually eternal, and that anyone ripped from our arms in this life, will be with us again. I'm so grateful for this hope, for the light Christ really has brought into my life.

Happy Easter! He truly is risen!

Beauty and the Beast

or so it may seem...

I was just remembering that second picture when writing about nose rings. Yup, that was me at 15 or 16. I don't really remember. Pink hair, dread locks (don't know if you can see them - there were just a few on top), nose ring. I was remembering how often I got judged for my looks at Church. One time I was visiting my Grandma, and she was on the phone with a lady from Church. When my granny explained that she had to go because I was at the door, that lady just said how she'd never let her grandkids into her house the way I looked. I loved my Grandma's response. She just told her that my heart was gold and she couldn't care less about how I looked and hung up on the lady. Way to go Grandma! 

I also had to think back on how despite my unorthodox Mormon look, I kept all commandments faithfully (while surrounded by drinking and pot smoking people), went to Church each Sunday, participated not only in Seminary but also qualified for the scripture chase weekends they did for those who really knew their stuff, volunteered at the animal shelter as well as the asylum seeker shelters on a weekly basis, and yadayadayada...I didn't look the part, but I was the part in deeds. And then despite what probably everyone thought, I still turned out ok - served a mission, finished college magna cum laude, and even got married. I could think of quite a few girls who looked "just right", and their stories are more along the lines of what you would have expected with my looks. Funny how that goes.

Looks can be so deceiving. That's why it seems so silly to me to get hung up on stuff (like looks) that is just temporary, and oftentimes fairly meaningless. Does that mean that I'll promote nose rings, dread locks and pink hair with my kids. Probably not. But if at some point that's what they want to do, I won't let that concern me as much as the state of their hearts!

The Church, The Gospel, The Truth

So, I've been thinking/mulling over stuff in my head for a few weeks now regarding Church/Gospel stuff. It all started (again) when I read a nice little 27-pages long essay of sorts from friends in Germany who've decided to quit Church. They're not the first making such a decision. Instead I've had quite a few friends who've left the Church in recent years - and interestingly, most of them not for the reasons one may assume. None of these people left the Church because they directly broke some commandment and were 'unrepentend' or just didn't care about religion anymore. None of them left because they lost their testimony dabbling in anti-Mormon literature or whatever. Actually, it seems that a lot of them left (or lost their testimony) digging maybe a little too deeply into Church documents/history and the like.

Anyway, as I was reading the detailed explanation of my friends of what led to their change of mind, I could actually relate to a lot of things they mentioned. Obviously, I haven't come to the same conclusions on stuff as they have, since I haven't left the Church, and have no intentions of doing so in the future. But yet, I could see where they were coming from. And it's given me a lot to think about.

Maybe I should say at this point that whatever I'll bring up/discuss next in this post, that I love the gospel deeply, that I enjoy being a member, that I believe in the general organization of the Church, and that the biggest problem with this post will be the fact that no matter how much truth there may be to whatever I write, it doesn't change the fact that a lot of it also means that I'm judging...and that's always a dangerous thing. So there. I have no illusions about myself being just as much a sinner as the next person. But with all that said, I still want to write about stuff that just has rubbed me wrong way and that I simply don't understand.

The Gospel
I love the gospel of Christ. It's what gives my life meaning, what gives me hope when things are tough. I completely believe in the teachings of Christ, his atonement, and that anyone who makes an effort to follow him and emulate him will reap great blessings in their lives, and also become a blessing for others. But, to me the gospel, and the Church are at times two separate shoes. I don't think they ought to be, but at times they are.

The Church
That's where the fun starts. I believe that Christ established his Church. I believe in the restoration of this Church. I believe in the organization of having prophets, apostles, teachers, bishops. I believe in revelation. All the typical stuff I believe. But, there is stuff I don't believe. I don't believe in perfect human beings - and with that I include prophets. I think prophets are capable of mistakes and sin, just like everyone else. I even think they're capable of making mistakes in their leadership/role as prophets. Does that mean that I believe they teach falsehoods, on purpose? No, not really. But, I don't think everything that comes out of the mouth of a prophet (or apostle, or bishop or stake president) is inspired. I think sometimes they share opinions, feelings, cultural views. Why does this matter? Well, it shouldn't really. When we read about prophets in the scriptures, it's pretty evident that all of them at some point or another had need to repent, or simply did things wrong. Alma's baptismal prayer certainly wasn't the one Jesus wanted to be used. Maybe that's why it got corrected in 3 Nephi right away. So, stuff happens. And it doesn't worry me. Actually, I feel like I need to believe this, or else I'd probably leave the Church like a lot of my friends.

But, here comes the issue with all of this now. You cannot in the least suggest what I just suggested in Church. The Church (meaning the general membership) has developed not only a culture of its own, but has allowed in many ways for cultural views, or non-gospel related views to become akin to doctrine. When you're in Church, you're supposed to follow any leaders, and not question anything. Why? Because of some quote that says that God would never allow for us to be lead astray. Ok. There is one single quote on that. Fair enough. But, it doesn't even explain what that means, and I bet most members don't even know who said it and where that's written. Could it not mean that as long as the overall goal is achieved, detours are acceptable? I'd like to believe that everything that comes out of the mouth of a Church leader is pure truth and the will and word of God. But then, why do general conference talks get changed? A great example is Elder Packer's recent talk. The one he gave at conference, and the one that was printed are quite different. Did he not pray about what to say before hand? I'm sure he did. So, why did it get changed? Was it not the will of the  Lord? I could give millions of examples for stuff like that that simply suggest that, well, mistakes maybe happen, and sometimes we have to correct the course, change things, whatever. Yet, if you dare think that way, you're close to apostasy in the eyes of most.

Ok, well who cares about what others think, right? I don't, not really. But, here is the other part to this kind of blind, unquestioning, and not even doctrinal obedience: people start pushing it on you. It's extremely weird to me (and this is where I could relate to my friends in many way) how we sit in Church, trying to be these awesome, faithful Christians, and then miss the big picture 90 percent of the time. We think we're good because we don't smoke, drink, or wear skirts down to our knees or whatever, but eat and live in ways that really hurt the rest of the world (for example). We think we're nice because we give fast offering, and help others move, but don't even really reach out with eagerness in service to the rest of the community (or should I call them "the world"). Don't get me wrong. I don't think we're bad people, and helping someone move is better than not doing anything. Giving fast offering is great. I just think we get so complacent, and self-righteous. But not only that. Then we start getting hung up on things that have no meaning, and spiritually totally irrelevant - and usually in the name of "some Church leader said so, so therefore it's true". I've heard of so many instances where new converts for example, get a talking to about wearing a cross. Well, excuse me, who cares? I believe in the crucified Christ. All Christians believe also in the resurrected Christ. Just because Pres. Grant had a personal issue with crosses, certainly doesn't make them evil or bad or inappropriate. It's certainly possible to rejoice in the atonement while still wearing a cross. After all, we don't object to other items that have farfarfar less to do with Christ (such as Christmas trees, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, etc.). And yet. Or how about clothing? Ear rings? Beards? I do not believe in the least that the number of earrings in my ear will be checked on judgement day. Why would that matter at all? Or wearing a denim skirt to Church (which is ok) but being looked at for dressy pants? Really? You can only be reverent in a skirt? We get lured into so many weird things that when thought about more closely, and study a bit, really don't make sense or shouldn't matter. Yet, there are people breaking off engagements of these kinds of things - because if a Church leader suggested that that's how it ought to be then that's how it HAS to be. It's true. It's the word/will of God. And I just.don't.believe.that!

At some point taking the pill was evil according to prophets. Now it's ok. At some point interracial marriages were evil. Now they're ok. At some point masturbation was what caused homosexuality. Not we don't know. Prophets have changed their views on many things over time. And, as it goes, even good ol' Jospeh Smith and his apostles weren't all agreed on everything all the time. Nope. Yet, we now think that it's all clear-cut and everything is gospel truth. I just don't get it. And it bothers me. It bothers me because, for me, it detracts often times from the things that really matter: how can I love and serve my fellow beings? How can I uplift and enlighten and bring others closer to Christ? How can I alleviate suffering? Just by teaching to comply with a certain dress code, attending a certain amount of meetings, and just fitting in a certain mold? That just isn't the gospel to me. And it's even less gospel to me when we ignore stuff that's right out of the scriptures, but get hung up on stuff that has no apparent importance at all. I think I said that already. But really...for example, the scriptures (and even 1 hymn) are very clear on how much meat we should eat: we should eat it sparingly. Yet, every summer, wards have nothing better to do than having BBQs, and just in general, I'd say meat consumption is high among members. Should we care? Well, considering that red meat has been scientifically proven to be fairly unhealthy, that cow poop is responsible for about 50% of the ozone problems we're facing, and that huge cattle farms have caused a lot of environmental problems as well as consumer problems that have deeply affected living situations of people in other countries, I think this should be very important to members. But it's not. What are the consequences though, of wearing 2 earrings in your ear. Really, what's going to happen? That some superweird up-tight person may not want to join the Church? I don't think there is anyone out in the world with such an uptight view on earrings. Or that you won't have the spirit with you because of the second pair? Really? Wouldn't the spirit more likely withdraw or at least withdraw equally when ignoring scripture (and science) that say you shouldn't overdo it on the meat? Oh, wait, it's because we need to follow the prophets. Ok, what about following God? Those things just don't make sense.

Or a similar example could be our most recent tithing settlement. We hadn't gotten around to getting an appointment for that until the 29th of December. Then we ended up having friends visit that evening, and we chose to cancel the appointment. Well, when Henry informed the secretary about our cancellation via email, he got a call the next morning (at 7.15am) about how important it is to get this done before the year is over and blablablabla. At the end of this all, we felt guilty and like we were definitely headed for hell because we chose to cancel the appointment, thinking we could just do it later on. Well, turns out that tithing settlements don't have to be done in December. Really, they can be done any time of the year. It's just you telling your bishop that you're a full-tithe payer. That's all. The end-of-the-year stuff has no doctrinal importance or meaning at all. It's just a practical reason. That's all. As a matter of fact, our bishop called us today, and we 'settled' over the phone. No problem. Yet, we had to get harrassed and pressured as if this dead-line was a doctrinal and spiritual matter, when in truth it wasn't. I wonder how many other people feel the same way...why? Because we don't separate doctrine and practical/cultural stuff. We just assume that every little Church policy equals gospel truth. Bleh. I'm sure there are lots of people who just don't do tithing settlements because they don't know that you can do it any time, even if you weren't around in December. Stupid.

So we sit in Church, reinforcing many times ideas and concepts that may be practical, or useful, but aren't necessarily truth or doctrine or gospel. Deep and meaningful discussion of gospel truths, to me, often seem to be missing in Church. Instead I get to hear lots of tearfilled stories of stuff that are, well, personal views, cultural views, and half of the time, not gospel truths. Am I being very judgmental here? Yes. I realize I am. And I really need to work on swallowing my own pride, let people be (as ignorant as they want to be) and learn to love everyone. Yup, I realize that. I just wish that as a Church we could be more inclusive. Less concerned about fitting a certain image that has no real meaning. That we had the courage to ask more questions, to think more deeply about gospel topics, and mostly to just shed all the cultural crap. Arghhhhh - I just can't take the cultural crap anymore. It drives me nuts. And it really drives me nuts when people try to explain things that we don't have explanations for. We don't know why blacks didn't have the priesthood. Really, we don't. (I personally believe that racism simply was the name of the game at that point, and nothing got changed until a prophet inquired about it when society started changing its views on this - why not? Joseph Smith after all only seemed to receive inspiration on stuff once he'd ask. It didn't seem to just come out of nowhere. So, maybe no one ever asked until 1970 or whatever). Similarly we don't know why they started polygamy (and I don't recommend that you try to find out, because I did, and it was the most faith-shaking experience of my life - there was definitely a lot of odd stuff going on, lots of it, that we don't talk about in the Church, and it's probably better that way). There are lots of things we don't really know. And I think there are a lot of things we do simply because they never got changed/up-dated. Not because they're gospel truths...

Those are just some of my thoughts. I should mention that they aren't gospel truth either.

Coming Next...

I've been wanting to also write up a post about some Church/Gospel stuff that's been on my mind. But now it's late. But, keep checking back in the next few days if you want to read about uncomfortable, honest, difficult Church stuff. :)

Mormon Culture

I just had to think about it the other day. In Relief Society specifically. We had the young women visit (as they do I think once a month or something). And, when they were about to recite their theme, as always, they asked everyone to stand. And, as always, I didn't. First of all, I don't know the Young Women's theme in English. I guess I could look it up and memorize it, but ya know? What for? And secondly I just don't like to stand for this. I can't remember if I we did that in Germany in Church or not. But, whatever the case - I just don't see why I have to stand for the Young Women's theme.

And voila! Suddenly I was thinking about Mormon culture and all the weird things we just do, just because. And not only is there Mormon culture - there is Mormon culture + culture of country mixed together, which leads to really interesting things.

So, why DO we stand up for the Young Women's theme? I figured it may be out of respect. I'm all for respect, but I don't understand why we would respect some theme that much, but then not stand for every prayer, or scripture we read or...ya know. I think those things deserve far more respect. So, maybe it's not respect. Maybe it's just an opportunity to stretch legs. But then, why ask everyone to stand? And really, what's the point of just reciting a theme over and over. It seems so military-esque to me. There are far more effective ways to internalize and understand a theme like that than just reciting it. I ended up deciding it's just a weird culture thing. Something everyone does, and no one thinks about (and probably no one in the US in Church would really question because we don't question what happens in Church, except in Germany, where members seems to question everything including the prophet...).

Here is another Mormon culture bit, also unique to the US. The whole political thing. Somehow, being a democrat/republican is always some sort of issue in Church here. And there always seems to be a notion that as a 'good Mormon' you can only be Republican, or you cannot vote this way or that way. Whatever. I don't know how quite to describe it, but political parties seems somehow come hand in hand with Church stuff. Now, it's not like members in Germany don't care/talk about politics or whatever. But I cannot say that I'd know which party any of my German friends vote for. I don't know that I've ever discussed that, though we've discussed politics. I don't know that people necessarily care whether you vote one way or another, though I could see some people thinking you're nuts if you vote for some of the weird, extremes parties we have. How come it's such a divisive thing in Church here in the US, and not in Germany? Or is it, and I just haven't noticed?

Mormon culture is weird. That's all I really want to say. And to be honest, I don't necessarily like it. Of course, since members can't just 'shed' who they are, and their cultural upbringing when we gather in Church, there will always be some sort of culture surrounding Church membership. And just being Mormon creates its own culture as well. I guess, sometimes I just wish we could leave some of those cultural aspects behind, and just make it all strictly about the gospel. But, just thinking this is probably part of the culture I'm bringing into Church.

Project FHE

So, the other day, I think I had an inspiration. I say 'I think', because I don't always feel very inspired. But, now and then I think it happens. I had been reading a few different books about parenting and research on what is/isn't effective with kids. They were really interesting, and I felt really enlightened. Except, eventually I also felt a bit overwhelmed. I was trying to figure out how I can implement all the things I had read/learned, and how I could make sure that I somehow taught my kids all the things I deemed important.

And voila - a inspiration came. I've decided to call it "Project FHE" because it's a work in progress. My idea came after we had another average, lame-o, last minute prepared FHE. After Sophia went to bed I thought about how I can make FHE more meaningful and pondered the purpose of FHE altogether. My conclusion was that FHE has two purposes: 1. Bring the family closer together by spending (hopefully) quality time together and 2. to be a learning place of truth/principles/values.

Once I decided that, I thought why not make FHE the place to teach/practice/discuss all those things I consider important - be they gospel truths or general behavior issues or whatever. Then I thought why not design a filing box with the 20 or so issues that are most important to us - the things we want to teach our kids. I made a list and it includes topics such as:

• honesty
• compassion
• service/work
• learning
• morality
• healthy living
• balance
• Jesus Christ
• repentance/forgiveness
• self-reliance
• communication
• Holy Ghost
• prayer
• family heritage
• Temple
• Prophets
• Scriptures

and a few others. Now what I'll do with those topics is prepare games for various ages that go with those topics. Then I'll add to those scriptures, talks, stories, personal experiences, thoughts, questions, etc. that also go along with those topics. I've started cutting out things from the "Friend" version of the German Liahona that go with those topics, and I'll just start assembling things, and try to have a variety of things that go with each topic. All of those things will be put into the filing box under the appropriate topic. I'm planning on having 24 topics total, which would add up to 2 topics per month per year. I figured, as we discuss and teach those things over and over, from different angles, and with various age-appropriate activities, I'm sure the message will sink in. And even if it doesn't, then I know that I've made an active effort to teach those things to my kids. And last but not least, it should be pretty easy from now on to have a somewhat meaningful FHE. Games, lessons, etc. should all be more or less ready to go, and all you have to do is pull out a topic and decide what you want to do.

I'm super-excited. Oh, and if you have any good ideas on any of the topics I mentioned (games, simple object lessons, stories, whatever) feel free to post them here. I'm happy about input. I'll also be happy to share whatever I gather if anyone else is interested in this. Anyway, I just had to write about this. I feel so good about this idea, and so excited to put it all together and to hopefully have lots of fun family home evenings that strengthen our family and bring us closer together.