Sigh...

Sometimes life is just hard. And sometimes I feel like I make it hard for myself. Or something like that.

Anyway, a few weeks ago I had a gazillion thoughts on my mind that I had wanted to write about. Then Henry wanted to spend time with me, and pulled me away from my addiction. And the next morning when I turned on the computer, it was dead. A week past before we had a new one, and by then my thoughts had probably grown exponentially to several gazillions - at which point it seemed impossible to even scratch the surface of all the things  I wanted to get "out on paper" (read: vast cyper space).

But now I do want to write down my thoughts, except they are still so over the place I don't know where to start. And, I committed to write a personal essay on the topic of "Women in Transition" that needs to be done by Friday, and it still needs a lot of work (it's pretty crappy so far I think, and I'm embarrassed if it stays horrible like this), thus maybe I should focus my energies elsewhere. However, we had this lovely RS lesson today that was so enjoyable for me that I actually (for the first time, I think) left RS. I just couldn't sit through it today.

And maybe that's where I should start. Today. Today was a good day. I went to Church and I wanted to feel the Spirit. I've been trying to focus on what matters, and felt all positive. We made it to Church on time, even. I had my scriptures with me. I was ready. Sacrament meeting was nice. We had some great talks about coming unto Christ. I particularly loved the spontaneous testimony given by a lady I've been assigned to visit teach (and who probably thinks I'm a freak by now because when I went to visit her for the first time, I just "fell in love" - as in I just felt such appreciation for her right away and so connected...it's been a while I've felt that way). We also had a great Sunday School lesson (also taught by the same visiting teachee lady). Then came RS. I'll admit that I'm not a fan of the teacher. She's a very kind, fun person. It's nothing personal really, because really, she is a great girl. But, when it comes down to teaching in Church - well, just about everything rubs me the wrong way. It's hard for me to move past a lot of things that I feel are very cheesy or simplistic/naive or, well, plain wrong. And yet, she's so kind - even when I raise my hand to make another annoying comment that is 20 minutes long and goes against half of what she just said, she listens carefully and kindly and finds something positive about my comment. It's almost maddening to a wicked soul like me.

Ok, now why am I even mentioning all this. I don't know actually. I really hated today's lesson. But, the main reason why I found it so unsavory is really because of all the gazillion thoughts I've thought about in the last few months. A few years ago, my best friend left the Church. It was a real shock for me. I remember her long letter she wrote, explaining her choice. It was mainly for Church history reasons and how she felt she simply couldn't believe certain things anymore (like Joseph Smith being a prophet etc.). I was  incredibly sad. This happened shortly after a family member also deciding to leave the Church (which was a choice based on having unsuccessfully fought homosexuality for a long time, and this family member now wanting to find a partner). So, it was a rough time for me, and I recall getting pretty frustrated with my friend. The way I reacted to her, I think damaged our relationship beyond repair, and I'm sad to this day how our paths have separated. Recently, I feel like I've had some sort of, urm, deja vu - similar situations coming up again in my life. In the last little while, I've heard from quite a few friends and acquaintances who have left the Church or who are really struggling.

Often times, when someone leaves the Church, or struggles, we chalk it up to a weak testimony or having sinned, or being prideful or whatever. But, with all my friends, they left because they studied Church history, and it simply killed whatever faith they had. Maybe that's what a weak testimony is. However, I have felt that truth should always withstand investigation, and a testimony that was build on truth would not crumble when its basis was carefully investigated. So, this time around, I didn't just want to lash out at my friends. I wanted to understand. I'd like to think that that's a good thing. And I think in many ways it has been, but it's made my life harder in many ways as well.

In the last little while, I have tried to really learn more about our Church's history. I've read several historic books about Joseph Smith and also about Emma Smith. I've read a lot of different blogs discussing current Mormon thought. And it's really made me think. Some of the thoughts that I've come across have always been things I've thought/felt. Some have newly developed. And some things I'm just not sure about. In a way I feel like my own testimony is under reconstruction. I'm re-thinking, re-learning, re-examining and re-gaining. Occasionally I feel like drift wood, rubbed thin and washed ashore some strange place. In other ways though I feel like my testimony or relationship with God is undergoing a real revival, becoming more alive again, more sincere again, more meaningful, and that seeking the guidance of the Spirit is taking on a whole new role in my life.

What does that all have to do with today? Well, as I've read and learned and thought etc. I've gotten to some place where I feel I'm in a good place. But, it's not the place where the majority of members are. I'm not trying to say I'm right and others are wrong. It's more of a "I'm thinking/believing A and everyone else believes B" sort of thing. The hardest thing for me right now is how I view our Church leaders. Some of the stories I've heard in the last few months have just made it more clear to me than ever how imperfect our leaders are. You may all agree with me that no one is perfect. I'd like to think we all agree on that. But, I mean seriously imperfect. As in "sinning" imperfect, or as in seriously unrighteous counsel or whatever. There are bad bishops. There are bad stake presidents. There are in fact, bad seventies. And with bad, I don't mean evil. I just mean they really mess up sometimes. And, as it goes, I also believe this applies to prophets and apostles. When I read about Joseph Smith and his life, and how, for example, he practiced polygamy for about 10 years before he ever told Emma, I just have a very very very hard time to believe that this was inspired or the will of God. I.just.don't. believe.it. Now, there is a good chance that historic records got something wrong. There could be all kinds of explanations. But, I think it's also very possible that he simply messed up. Why not? There is no Mormon doctrine of prophets being infallible.

You may say, well, they are not infallible, but if they lead us astray, God will remove them. Yep. I'm willing to believe that was well. But how would that removal look like? Death, maybe? Well, Joseph Smith died. And all prophets after him died, too. It's pretty hard to know when a prophet is being removed by God and when his time was simply up, wouldn't you agree? So, I think we simply don't know when a prophet messes up and when he doesn't. The interesting thing to me is that it doesn't really matter. We've been advised and taught in the scriptures and from past prophets that we shouldn't just follow blindly - that we should always get a witness from the Spirit. Yet, these days it seems like all you need to know is that the prophet is called of God, and then you have to seek no further witnesses. That's so bizarre to me.

Anyway, my feelings about believing that the Church leaders aren't perfect was just a starting point of some of my changes. It has expanded to how I view a lot of things we do in Church that is presented as if it's doctrine, that I actually don't believe is doctrine, and that don't even make sense when you think about them more carefully. For example, today's RS lesson was on Family Responsibilities. In no time we were talking about priesthood and women, with the talk about women not having/needing the priesthood because we have babies. Right. I say BS to that because first of all, we have no teachings/scriptures that explain why the men have the priesthood and women don't. We don't really know. Further, we've had Elder Nelson say that priesthood is not gender, and Pres. Hinckely say that women could hold the priesthood if God gave a revelation in regards to that. Considering that at some point blacks couldn't hold the priesthood (for no known reason), and then a revelation was received, it's not illogical to think that maybe women will also hold the priesthood at some point.

Well, some of you may say women already hold the priesthood, or we don't need the priesthood. Sure. I agree with both of those ideas. I don't feel like I need more responsibility. But, I don't understand that if I DO hold the priesthood (which some people believe because of what women do during initiatories in the temple, and what I also believe because in the olden Church days, women actually gave blessing of healing by the laying on of hands, sometimes together with the men! Yes. Did you know that?) then why do the men need to do everything. For example, if we hold the priesthood, why can the RS president not act on her own accord without constant approval from the Bishop? Why can she not choose the next president? Why does it have to be run by a man? If we look at how the Church operates, there isn't much/anything that suggests that women have any sort of priesthood authority on their own other than whatever authority is given by those we officially believe to have the priesthood authority - and that's never a woman. Do women need to have the priesthood? Well, I don't think we NEED to per se. It's not like I'm personally dying for more opportunities to, urm, serve. However, when I think about how awkward it may be for a young woman to answer questions about chastity when talking with an old man you barely know - I think there may be great benefit to women also having the priesthood, or the authority to help the women in their stewardship to repent and change and come unto Christ.

The more I think about these things, the absurder it seems to me at times to think that there is something inherent in the priesthood that women cannot or should not do. The main part of the priesthood is to perform certain ordinances. I'm totally fine with the guys doing that. I don't need to baptize anyone or ordain anyone. I'm also fine with them giving blessings or blessing the sacrament. Really. But, what is it about the priesthood that only men get called as Mission presidents for example, and run the whole mission. The wives always have to join them, and they even get set apart. But, we don't even have a term for what they are other than "the Mission President's Wife". They are there to support their husbands while the husband runs the mission. Why can they  not interview the sister missionaries? Instruct the sisters? Work with the sisters? Be there for the sisters? Why does the "priesthood" have to do all of that? None of those things are direct priesthood responsibilities. They are things women could do just as well. Yet, we don't. It may not matter much. But if you're the one who has to explain embarrassing or very private issues of sexual nature to a man, I bet you'd rather have the mission president's wife in front of you as well.

Anyway, now back to today. We were supposed to talk about Family responsibilities. It could have been a nice lesson. But in no time it was about men having the priesthood and women having babies. And that concept just drives me nuts. Women can only have babies with the help of men. No woman gets pregnant by herself. Men don't need women to get the priesthood. Also, any worthy man can hold the priesthood, but a woman, no matter how righteous, if not married or fertile cannot live out her "priesthood". So, that whole idea is just a bunch of BS to me. It doesn't make sense at all. Further more, as much as I love motherhood, and I love it deeply, and as much as I love being at home with my kids, which is my favorite job I've had so far, our role as women has got to include a little more than bearing children. If the main role for men is to use their priesthood to serve, preside, guide, lead, bless, strengthen, etc. and for women to have children (who will then be guided, taught, presided over, blessed and provided for by the man) it really leaves women with very little that they're actually responsible for other than getting pregnant, having the kids and then feeding them, cleaning up after them and taking care of the home. Now, don't get me wrong - I fully believe that raising children well is the most valuable thing any human being can do. Ever. But, when men can and should do all those things as well, you wonder what you're necessary for other than cooking and cleaning, which is something we rarely seem to expect the men to do. It's very easy to end up feeling as if your "sacred role" is not that of a complete, capable, spiritual being, but simply to be a a little home maker. And even worse, if you're not married, what is your role then? You cannot even have children - your assigned, divine role.

Arghhhhh. Anyway. Ok enough of that. So, we talked about babies and priesthood. And after we talked how sad it is when someone who's a good person, who's happy and productive and living a good life, isn't a member of the Church. And that's when I just wanted to run. I love the gospel. I think the gospel provide hope and light and strength beyond what any human could ever give us. I'm so grateful for having the gospel of Christ in my life. But, I'm so tired of the idea that anyone who isn't Mormon is somehow less happy, or doomed to some horrible fate. Happiness doesn't come from being Mormon. It comes from living the principles of the gospel of Christ. Anyone who lives righteously, will reap those benefits. If we think about all the things that go wrong in this world, I think being sad over someone living a good, honest, righteous life outside the Church shouldn't be cause for weeping. It's reducing those people to nothing but their Church denomination, like nothing else about them matters. It makes me want to rip out my hair. Especially since this weeping and moaning only drives wedges between us and the people we want to join us. No one wants to join a Church when you don't feel fully loved and accepted and valued beforehand the way you are. And lastly, why even worry so much. Life is long. We don't know what the future will bring? We don't know how God will judge things in the next life or who will join the Church in the next life, when we have a better understanding. This black and white thinking of whoever doesn't join in this life, on purpose, is doomed in the next, is just silly to me. Life is so extremely complex. We're so influenced by  our experiences, culture, etc. Who are we to judge who really had a good chance at understanding the gospel and who didn't? It's absurd.

Ok, I'm sure that at this point you noticed I'm ranting. Let me say this. I love the gospel of Christ. I really do. I also believe in the organization of the Church. I believe in prophets, and apostles. I believe in revelation, and inspiration. I believe in priesthood power. However, I don't believe that everything we hear from the pulpit (no matter who is speaking) is the word of God. I think we always need to rely on the Spirit to help us know what is true and what is not, and what matters for us, and what does not. I believe we have a lot of cultural influences in the Church. And I struggle with that. Very much. (Cultural, as in thinking that women who work are evil, even though a) almost all stay-at-home-moms I know have jobs on the side and b) it's only in the Western world that we can even entertain the idea of having kids and one parent not working - unfathomable in most other parts of the world).

I'm tired. This got so long already. And I have only talked about half of what I wanted to talk about. I haven't even ranted yet about 4th of July testimony meeting. I guess I have to save that for another day.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't me. I realize that I need to be more humble. And I most definitely need to work more on loving others in my ward right now unconditionally, and not be annoyed by what I consider naivete and ignorance. Who am I to judge or to think that I know "better" than someone else. I am where I am spiritually. And others are somewhere else. That's ok. I guess it just gets a bit lonely and frustrating when you are the only one who thinks a certain way, and even more when it sometimes feels like you're borderline apostate or something just because you don't hold some of the weird, traditional, undoctrinal views most other Mormons hold.

Therefore, sometimes I wish I was like everyone else, conforming, believing, unquestioning, and authority respecting. But I'm not. And I've always had an issue with authority. And I've always been the odd one out, I guess. It sucks at times, but hopefully there is a purpose to having people like me in the world...