Ok, I want to talk about that. The only true and living Church. This is something we hear a lot in Church, that we're the ones with all the truth, the only ones with all the truth, and in essence how important being Mormon is to your salvation. After all, that's why we do missionary work, right?
Well, that's something that has changed for me. I really don't think I can confidently say anymore that I think we're the only 'true' Church. Let me tell you how I got there.
A while ago (like at least a year ago or so), I started thinking about how God loves all of his children. The atonement was a gift provided and done so ALL may partake, and all may have the opportunity to return to Heavenly Father. There are so many scriptures that indicate to me that God is a pretty fair guy who will give us all the same realistic shot at salvation.
I think most Mormons believe that. Yet, we also believe that it's terribly important to become a member in this life. We spend lots of time discussing how we can better share the gospel, and basically how we can be better missionaries. Somehow, bringing people into the Church is a huge deal. We also spend a lot of time on redeeming the dead, because we believe these ordinances to be that important. Well, that's all good and dandy. But one day, when I looked at what percentage of the world population Mormonism makes up, I ran into a problem. With our 14 million members (which includes at least 50% of people who are completely inactive or may not even consider themselves Mormon anymore), we're not even making up 1% of the world population. Actually, it's more like .5% of the world population. We're basically nobody, in terms of religion. And that got me thinking...
I was wondering if it's so important to become a member in this life, then how come that the gospel is only accessible to a miniscule population of the world. Obviously, this may not necessarily be God's fault, since many laws that prevent missionaries from entering certain countries are probably not something God created. But I also think God knew how the world would be, that people would be living in various situations and with different religious up-bringings and that it'd be pretty hard for many of his children to either even have a chance to hear the gospel, and if they did hear it, maybe not be able to change their hearts, because our upbringings can be such that it's really really really difficult to embrace another way of thinking and/or believing.
That's, of course, not yet reason to despair for us Mormons. Because, luckily, we believe that if someone didn't have a chance to hear the gospel in this life, then no prob - they can hear about it in the next life.
I love that concept, and it works for me. Except, if it is no big deal to hear about it in the next life, then why are we making SUCH A BIG deal out of hearing it in this life? I mean, we push missionary work like nothing else, and we despair over all those people who don't join and/or go inactive. But if there's hope in the next life, then what's the big deal? Why not just serve people, and take things as they come?
My understanding was that we still somehow believe you're better off as a member in THIS life, because, you know, things we learn in this life will come with us to the next, etc. But then I struggle again with that idea, because it puts the lucky ones who were born into the Church or managed to hear about the Church at a very unfair spiritual advantage. And I can't believe that's how God operates.
I thought about this for a long time now. And I've simply come to the conclusion that I don't think being a member of the Church is terribly important. I do think it's important that we follow Christ. I think learning christ-like attributes (aka becoming like our Savior) is the goal of our mortal existence, and I believe that all of God's children can learn these attributes regardless of their life situation and/or religious back-ground. In other words, I think a Hindu or Muslim or Catholic or Mormon can all learn to be honest, kind, chaste, long-suffering, serving, faithful, etc. I also think that commitment to God is important, and blesses us, but I suspect that God can also accept that a Hindu who's expressing his devotion in ways that may differ from the Christian approach, is still worthy of God's guidance, love and equal chance at salvation as any Mormon would be.
I just cannot imagine that I'm the lucky one, who was born into Mormonism, who now has this huge spiritual advantage and privilege and everyone else has to just hope for the best, wait till the next life, or who knows what. I just cannot believe it. It seems so...unfair.
But of course, with those thoughts, I've also started wondering how important it is for me to dedicate endless amounts of time to shove my beliefs down someone else's throat who's maybe perfectly happy in their faith, and is clearly becoming a better person by virtue of their religion (possibly even better than half of the active Mormons I know). And why should I spend endless amounts of time redeeming the dead, when I have people in this world, right now, right around me, who are in great need NOW. Certainly, those who've already passed on, can wait a little longer on their salvation, now having a better, and more eternal perspective?
I still think there are great blessings that come from having the doctrines of our Church available. Actually, I think our doctrines are the gospel of Christ. And I think those doctrines will bring the growth and happiness that are important for all of us in this life. But, I don't think being Mormon is an actual doctrinal truth and/or need. I mean, you can actually be baptized by a priesthood holder, and NOT become a member of the Church. You're not being baptized INTO the Church, if you think about it. It's just kind of a side-effect of baptism. So, to me it seems that the ordinance of baptism, and Church membership in truth are two separate matters.
Dunno...I don't claim to have it all figured out. But I really struggle these days to think that we're the smart know it-alls, who have all the truth and what not, who have the only way to Salvation, and those other 99% are just terribly unfortunate. Really? It seems so....unlikely, and unfair.
Monday, March 25, 2013
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I like how honest and open you are. Like you, I have sometimes wondered why I was lucky to have been born in the church (as we say) compared to others. I don't know if I would have accepted it otherwise. If I say it was because I was just so much better in the pre-existence, it sounds kind of arrogant, although I do believe that pre-existence is part of the answer to why we are born where and when we are born (We must have been awesome to get Europe!!). Another reason is, of course, the type of challenges God knew would help us become better.
Again, like you, I have struggled with how small in number we are, despite our best efforts. We worked so hard in Greece and didn't see much improvement (at least I didn't!) but it has taught me that bringing people closer to Christ is what matters. People get closer to their Savior by becoming more like him, like you said, developing Christlike attributes. But even if you're a wonderful, kind, charitable person, at one point you need the ordinances from the priesthood from the only church that really has it. Why? I can't say I know all the reasons. We just know that Jesus showed us the way, and if He did it, we need to do it too. Now, unlike the Mormons you describe who put such an importance on being baptised in this life, I (like you I guess) concentrate more on helping them be the best they can, the best way they know how- because it is harder to be a Christlike person than to get into the water, and, as I said, we need both to get to heaven.
Now, you said that the dead can wait longer. Well, maybe your ancestors don't care, but mine sure can't wait! I have had many spiritual experiences that have led me to work as much as I can on my family history. And the Spirit that I feel as I find those names is the answer to my doubts concerning how big of a difference I can make when there are soooooooooo many people that need their work done. The Lord knew it would take us a while to do it all and has prepared a Millenium. But, like I said, my ancestors can't wait and working for them helps me feel the Spirit, the only thing that can help you through all your doubts/questions/struggles about the Church.
Remember that: you don't go to the Mormon Church because their leaders are perfect, or their members better than in other churches, you go there because the Spirit has told you it is where you need to be. If you don't remember the Spirit telling you that, ask him again!
And you bring the Spirit to your ward (it obviously doesn't work the other way around for you:)
Catherine...I'm glad you said something. :)
I just don't know that I quite agree. I mean, I agree that Christ has set the example for baptism. I just think it's rather interesting how that all went down though.
I agree that it seems that we need the saving ordinances, but I'm not so sure we need them to happen through our Church. We claim we are the only ones with authority, but really, why? I mean, we have examples in the scriptures, Alma for example, who basically just started baptizing people without anyone conferring the priesthood upon him. I'm not sure the process of receiving authority to act in God's name is as clean-cut as we make it out these days in our Church.
So, is there really such urgency to baptize everyone into our Church? I don't know.
Also, I think it's great that you feel like your ancestors cannot wait. And if that's what brings you peace and happiness and fills you spiritually, then I think that's fantastic. But I have never really felt that way. I don't feel like anyone is desperately waiting. And even if that WAS the case, I'd tackle it the same way I'd tackle my kids. Sometimes my older kids really want something while my baby is screaming. If I cannot help everyone at the same time, then I have to choose who needs my help the most. And that's usually the baby. She doesn't understand that food is coming her way soon. She doesn't know how to get her own food. My older kids have better understanding.
I'd imagine likewise, that even if our ancestors were supereager to receive their saving ordinances, they gotta understand that there are people in this world RIGHT NOW, who need help - food, shelters, etc. to spare them from some of the great pains of mortality. Certainly, someone who's no longer in pain, can wait a little.
Also, just because something felt right at some point, doesn't mean it's right at another point. I do feel going to Church is good, but I also don't feel like I need to submit myself to abuse, or my kids to mistreatment for the sake of...well, I'm not even sure for the sake of what? Perfecting the saints?
I usually love going to Church. But it sure sucks mightely right now. And I'm not sure that I have to participate in this kind of circus. I can take the sacrament, and be on my way, and let the crazies hang out with themselves. Where am I commanded in the scriptures to put up with shiz? Nephi, as soon as he could, left his crazy abusive brothers behind. And so did various other people in the scriptures.
So,...I don't think the spirit tells us something once and it's binding for our whole lives. Obviously, if that were the case, we would have no need for further revelation. Right?
Let’s start with the fact that you agree that we need the saving ordinances. You are well aware of the answer the Church gives about being the only one with authority through the restoration. The Church also gives an explanation for all the prophets in the scriptures who might not look like they had any authority, such as Alma (for Alma, specifically, you can read it in the institute manual). Those explanations may not be satisfactory to you, but, as you know, the Church doesn’t have the answer to everything (insert here the speech about walking by faith).
I repeat that even if I know that we all need to be baptized into the only true church, the urgency to me is more to be a better person than to be immersed in water by someone who has the authority. But eventually, you do need both. If you refuse now, I am certain that you have other chances later, but you are missing out on the blessings you could have right away (and you probably will regret it!).
Now about further revelation. Maybe once you have prayed about the Book of Mormon or Joseph Smith or the Church and have received a witness, (which can come in one form or another, instantly or progressively) you know that the Church is true and that going to church every Sunday is the right thing to do. You don’t need to ask God every week if you should go to church or pay tithing or obey the commandments, you know it will always be the right thing to do. You do need more spiritual experiences to keep and strengthen your testimony and you might need further revelation concerning, in your case, which ward to attend. As usual, make sure when you pray about it, to be ready to follow the promptings of the Spirit, even if it tells you to stay the 3 hours in your current ward :) Make sure you do what the Lord wants you to do, not just what you feel would be best. I know people who moved out of the country because their children weren’t staying strong in the church, had not enough friends and church experiences (not many people here up north). It was the best thing they could have done. I also know that I grew up in a ward that was worse than yours (you won’t believe me I know, but remember it was in France!) We couldn’t move and we went to church no matter what. My parents taught me that the leaders would be accountable for their mistakes one day but so would they, and not going every Sunday would have been a mistake to them as they had had a spiritual witness that the Church was true. So, I’m not telling you what to do, like I said, I’ve seen different options work for different people, but make sure you follow the Spirit! And, again, wherever you go, bring the Spirit with you!
And that leads me to my genealogy, like you said, it is something that helps me feel the Spirit, feel a connection with heaven, etc. I only have 3 kids (not that I don’t want more, but, you know how it is..) and 2 are at school already so I do have time to work on family history, and my ancestors know it. Like you said, it is a question of priority but I know that I gain a lot more by spending my time sending names to the Temple than playing video games or looking on the Internet for all the mistakes church leaders have made ;) And yes,there are also a lot of things to be done for the living, but remember, our ancestors are also on earth and they do their parts too, even if we don’t see it. Anyway, family history might not be what you need to do right now, but, if I may speak freely, you do need to look for ways to feel the Spirit. Maybe read again the Book of Mormon in Greek with your wonderful MTC roommates in mind :)
Catherine…I know you mean well. Thanks for that. But to be honest, I really feel you’re completely missing the point of what I’m even talking about. Like, completely. You’re just basically trying to throw all the Sunday School answers at me, assuming that those always work. Have you considered the fact that they may not always work? That there are people who read, pray, keep the commandments, go to Church and the temple, and yet to manage to believe certain things and/or gain a testimony of the truthfulness of X, Y or Z? That those answers don’t’ always work? Because, I know plenty of people where that’s been the case.
I also find your arguments full of flaws. Yes, we need to walk by faith. We will neverever in this life, be able to have proof for spiritual matters. There will be things we will never know in the sense of having some sort of factual evidence. Sometimes, we just have to believe. Yes. However, I don’t think God has given us a brain, and the spirit and the commandment to learn by study (and faith) to just tune out everything that makes NO sense at all.
You acknowledge that we’re few in numbers, yet hang on the mindset that we all need saving ordinances. You even say that getting baptized in this life gives us blessings. Ok, so how do you account then for the injustice of 99.5 percent of God’s children never enjoying these blessings in this life, because they didn’t have a chance to hear about the Church? Wow. What a loving God who’d exclude almost all of his kids from some huge blessings. Really, does that make sense to you?
And do you really believe that just because the Book of Mormon is true, and God called Joseph Smith as his prophet that the logical conclusion is that everything about the Church is true and right and we need to go to Church every Sunday? Really. Because with that line of thinking we would have never needed a restoration. I mean, Christ set up the Church, and voila – perfection was on earth. Hmmmm, and yet, things didn’t stay that way…in part because LEADERS MESSED UP!!!! If imperfect people run things, what makes you so sure that everything is true. I mean, you’re using the institute manual as your basis for truth. That’s not even written by prophets and apostles. That’s some Church employee’s best analysis and opinion on what would make sense. Have you prayed about the manual, and or the passages to know they’re in fact true, and God’s will? Have you prayed about every prophet who’s ever lived whether he was truly called of God, and only passed on truth? It seems to me that you’re doing the very things prophets have warned about, believing blindly. You didn’t even get my example with genealogy. It’s about using the free time we DO have for blessing the poor and needy in this world – not to play video games. If you feel that it’s more important to save your ancestors than saving those around you who have needs, well…good for you. I don’t think it’s what Christ wants us to do nor what I find scriptural. Find me any verse in the Book of Mormon that suggests that we need to save our dead. Or, at least, place their spiritual needs above those of people around us right now?????? Good luck. You won’t find anything.
I feel like you’re painting everything with an incredibly simplistic black and white brush. And I don’t think it’s black and white at all. And to be honest, I’m offended by your suggestion to do more. How would you even know what I’m doing. It’s just the common assumption that anyone who doesn’t believe is obviously doing something wrong. You have no idea how much time I’m spending reading and praying and pondering and sitting in the temple seeking answers. It’s this very mindset, in fact, that drives me nuts and makes me NOT want to be in Church. It’s the complete and utter inability to understand what someone is going through without trying to push again and again the whole “BUT THIS IS THE ONLY TRUE WAY AND NOTHING ELSE WILL WORK” mentality. If it works for you, again, great. I’m happy for you. Enjoy your blissful state of belief. It doesn’t work for me. And I know it’s not for lack of reading my scriptures, seeking the spirit and doing what’s right.
Fran, a while ago, our bishop gave this talk in Sacrament Meeting. I love that it acknowledges that there are all kinds of stages in our faith and that one stage isn't any less important than another.
http://rationalfaiths.com/for-the-body-is-not-one-member-but-many/
I am a black and white person. The church is true or it isn't, what I do helps me grow closer to Christ or it doesn't, etc. But I'll try not to bore you with my Sunday School arguments concerning the shades of gray within the church any more. I will just apologize for offending you. I wasn't trying to tell you to do more, but to do things maybe differently, try a different perspective. Because it seems to me, but again I could be highly mistaken, that whatever you do is not helping you grow with faith and confidence but leaves you with more questions, doubts and struggles. Like you said, I just mean well :)
Catherine, if your approach works for you, and brings you the happiness you desire in your life, then I think that's great.
And I appreciate your attempt in helping me out. But to be clear, it is NOT my approach that's the issue. Actually, it's the very approach you're suggesting that's causing all the questions, doubts, and problems I'm encountering. I don't think it's at all an approach that strengthens faith, understanding or spiritual growth.
To me, in essence, it's an approach that simply needs to chuck out all kinds of things that are difficult or hard to understand or to believe for the sake of maintaining the black/white approach. The Church is true or it isn't. See...I think that kind of mindset is the most spiritually destructive thing out there.
Because, if you run into all kinds of things that make it look like the Church ISN'T true, then the only reasonable and logical step is to leave. And I just don't think it has to be that way, nor that it IS that way. Yet, that's usually what happens. I find it highly counter-productive to all our supposed goals as a Church.
I've had a friend who was a high-council man. He was asked to teach the YSA adults more about Church history. He's now an atheist...not because he wasn't doing all the right things of reading, praying, going to Church, serving faithfully in callings, etc. No. It was just because he did what he was asked, and chose to read our Church History (only Church approved sources, mind you, like Journal Of Discourse). When you read about Brigham Young teaching that it's appropriate to kill those who've committed adultery, and other lovely stuff of that nature, it's hard for some people to maintain the notion that the Church is true. So, what's your answer to those people? That they should leave, since clearly the Church isn't true? Or that they are wrong, and it's all true as it is. So, who cares that Joseph Smith lied to his wife about practicing polygamy. Lying is ok if it's a prophet? Or...
Your assumption is that simply doing the right things will only bring peace and happiness. But that's not true. And it's certainly not scriptural nor doctrinal in any way. True growth requires questions and doubt and challenging the world we live in. If Joseph Smith would not have had doubts, and questions, we never would have had the CHurch restored.
In short: there is no black and white. It's not how the world operates, how growth happens, and where we find truth. The reality, to me, is that it's basically all grey. Prophets are called of God, but they make mistakes, huge ones at times. Sometimes they teach God's will and word. Sometimes they don't. Sometimes they're righteous and do what's right, and sometimes they don't. Same goes for everyone else.
And thus, as someone taking her spiritual path seriously, I cannot just proscribe to the program, and assume that everyone else is doing things right, and just follow and trust. I need to ask the hard questions, and confirm that what happens is God's will. And as it goes these days, I feel that there are a lot of things going on that I don't think are God's will.
But feeling sure that I've got it right, well...following our own spiritual promptings always takes some courage and trust. Does anyone ever feel 100% sure that their spiritual insights are right? I think most people are always a little unsure whether they REALLY are doing the right thing. Even more so, when you've been raised to think in black and white.
I'm not sure I have the exact same black and white approach as the one you describe (if you see good things you're in, if you see bad stuff, you're out). My black and white approach is that once you've had spiritual witnesses that the church is true, you stick to it. You either know through the Spirit that it is true or you don't. Then, things you see that don't make sense within the Church don't make you doubt of its truth because you know that it does make sense to God. That's where you probably think that I am blindly following, never questioning those things that don't make sense that you might believe are important to clarify. Well, for the matters that troubled me the most, I have tried to see how it makes sense to God when it doesn't to me and, like you said, I have grown as I have questioned and received answers. I also grew up wondering why God allows leaders be so wrong and with time I have seen some reasons. But you're right, it's a "it must be true so make sure it fits the mold" approach and you don't like it :)
I do think we're talking about the same black and white stuff.
What I see is this: You at some point prayed about "the Church being true" (to be honest, I'm not even sure what such a phrase is supposed to mean these days, but whatever, I'll just assume we mean the usual stuff that it's organized and structured as God wants it to). You got a spiritual confirmation that the Church IS true. Great. So, now you assume that every time something is OFF, that there must be an explanation, because you received a spiritual confirmation of the Church's truthfulness.
The reason this black and white thinking doesn't work for me is because it doesn't actually leave room for anything the scriptures teach us. To roll with this approach to truth, I have to assume things as truth, that by the very organization I assume to be true, are teaching me to NOT be the case.
For example, Christ's original Church was true. Anyone praying about the Truthfulness of Christ's Church, would have to receive a witness that it was right, because, hey...Christ doesn't make mistakes. Yet, we had an apostasy. How did that happen? The scriptures do not indicate that it was simply people leaving the Church. But that slowly things changed from within. Also, all the apostles got killed, which doesn't help.
So, if we look at back at members of the day around Christ - should they just take everything has it was handed to them? Because "the Church is true"? Is that what also lead to apostasy because leaders deviated from the path, and everyone just followed along? It's that very approach to truth that causes problems.
If you never sit down, and also consider the possibility that something that's being passed on to you from your leaders could be wrong (as in NOT God's will), then you are not actually using the gift of the Spirit, nor your gifts of discernment.
Not everything being taught and said in Church or by leaders is truth. It just isn't. It's not doctrinal to assume that, nor is it in the scriptures nor...
So, therefore it's totally up to us to figure out what's true and what's not. And you may think that everyone needs to be confirmed a member of this Church. I don't believe it. I don't find it taught in the scriptures, nor do I find it clearly taught by early prophets. So, maybe someone deviated from the path. Maybe someone misunderstood and perpetuated an idea that wasn't truth.
If your approach is that everything that doesn't make sense or seems wrong is still somehow right, then I'm glad if that works for you. Really. I just cannot in a million years imagine how that would actually work when I have to take scriptures, words of the prophets from the past and present as well as my own brain into consideration.
Maybe I'm not really understanding what you're saying. Maybe you're simply not concerned with the things I'm concerned with. That's ok. I know plenty of people who are simply not as troubled as I am by the social problems that afflict many people on this planet. There are tons of people who are not as concerned with fairness, justice, and/or equality.
Some really are blissfully happy in their homes, doing genealogy, or just doing their home/visiting teaching or whatever, and...it just doesn't bother them how their beliefs etc. play out on a larger scheme. Or, they just have THAT much faith, that they can believe stuff that upon closer examination seems to have tons of holes and far less substance.
Maybe that's you. I don't know. I really don't. And the point here is not for me to make anyone else change how they feel about Church.
It's about how I feel about Church. And what doesn't work for me. And what I struggle to believe the way many other members believe. It's about MY journey. I'm just sharing where I'm at. That's all. The only thing I just don't react well to, is people suggesting that if I just read more/pray more/go more to Church it'll all go away.
It hasn't despite my doing that. In fact, in part it's made matters worse. Because the Spirit hasn't given me all the answers that members would expect to come. So,...
That's all there is to it.
I've always been hesitant to use the phrase, "the only true church." Having attended others before my baptism, I often heard this same sentiment being shared from their pulpits as well. It drives me crazy when I hear members of our church belittling the beliefs of others. I prefer to think of it as the "complete" church since I believe that we're Christ's restored church and that through it we can do what we need to in order to get back to Him. I think all churches teach good things and help their members grow closer to Christ but one of the reasons I never stayed at the churches I was attending was because I always felt like there was more to it. I never felt that way in the LDS Church (hence my baptism). I used to be jealous of those who were born to LDS familes but over the last 14 years I've learned to appreciate the perspective I gained by my upbringing and it's really helped me combat the culural norms of the church as I've been faced with them. But I suppose that's a different issue altogether.
Yes, Sarah, it makes me sad as well when we belittle other faiths. I mean, Joseph Smith said that Mormonism is whatever is truth. So, in a sense, any truth out there in the world, is Mormon. In our little town there are a lot of baptists. I've been almost shocked by how darn similar we are. I swear, they do all the same stuff we do with the exception of temple work, sending out missionaries in suits (they do mission work, just not in suits, and in quite the same business like approach we use), and..they don't have the BoM. That's about it. I swear, in many other ways, you can barely tell the difference, because our beliefs/religious traditions are so similar.
So, when I sit in Church and we talk all smuggly about how we've got it all figured out and those poor sorry sods out there in the world, it makes me pretty upset.
I think calling it "complete" is a much kinder approach, though, in a sense, I struggle with that term to, because technically, we don't consider our faith to be complete (hence Article of Faith no. 11? Or whichever one is the one about much still being revealed?). We believe there's more, that there's always more, yet, we also speak of the fullness of the gospel. I don't think fullness though means we have all the truths, but rather that we have all the knowledge that's truly important to Salvation - which to me is a proper understanding of the atonement, and the ability to access those saving ordinances. And in a way, I think most Christians have that knowledge as well...but anyway, I digress.
I often wonder what it would be like if I wouldn't have been a member my whole life? Would I have chosen to join the CHurch? Not that I necessarily was forced into the baptismal font, or that anyone has held a gun to my head if I wanted to leave, but it's very very difficult to be objective on something that you've been part of your whole life.
I mean, my parents were superduper strict on the Word of Wisdom - like, drinking a coke was basically breaking the word of wisdom. So, as much as I know it's completely ok to drink a coke, it's taken years to shed the feeling that I'm doing something "wrong" when I had a Mt. Dew or something. And now I just don't drink any soda, because it just not healthy in general I think. But you get the idea.
So, I wonder...what I'd be like. Would I have chosen to become a member? Would I be perfectly happy and fulfilled in another faith? Would I not be religious at all? Who knows. Sometimes I wish I had that added experience of 'before/after' and clearly choosing this path. But then again, I don't think it matters. Because I believe God will reveal to us the answers we seek and need.
Anyway, I definitely think it's great to have people like you around Sarah. I think we need the reminders in Church sometimes that Mormonism doesn't naturally just result in awesome people and/or that those who are not Mormons are just bad, wicked lost souls. Clearly, we have lots of people join the Church, and in part probably because of the great people in their lives who have contributed to them being someone who takes spirituality serious.
I mean, I don't think I've had any Mormon person, who doesn't know me, give me a gift for my baby - like your Mom.
I think it's good to remember that when we read the scriptures, and the examples of pride, and wickedness - it was usually addressed to members of the Church...
I suppose I was including the "living" part in the church's completeness. I love that we are a church with revelation and that we can grow and change, although not always as quickly as some would like :)
Franziska, I hope I am jumping without thinking hard enough. I think..that we share a way of thinking that causes us great anxiety: we think in a global manner. we are philosophers, perfectionists, we think about how the movement of a butterfly here affects the Amazon over there, we buy an object thinking about the person somewhere in Pakistan who is living with $3/day, about the energy used to make this object, the impact on the environment, the transport over the ocean to land here in Target, and do we need it really?
At least that's how I think. The same process goes with everything. And my brain never stops. And I feel confusion, guilt, anger, stress, compassion, wanting to leave all and live like an hermit, mad with God for I don't know what, eager for a change, then not knowing how, when....
And with the church, and its culture, I feel just distant, a healthy distance so I can stay attuned enough for my needs and my family's needs. And it's OK. What I learned from my mission, is that it's ok for me to take an emotional break from the church while still keeping the regular routine of spiritual activities. I mean, I would teach and preach, and stress when somebody rejected the message. At the end of the 18 months, I didn't stress over that anymore , nor over my companion, nor over the other sister's feuds, I was exhausted, and just wanted to survive, to be happy with God and at peace with myself. So if I missed a meeting, wore socks instead of hoses, got up late, and would get no referrals, so at least I was entering another time in my life of quiet and more intimate understanding of my commitment. I wasn't going to save the world. Jesus did already. I was to present a message and be there. and God was satisfied with my efforts and with the invisible courage it took me to go out there everyday.
Today, I will tell you that I would never be a missionary again. Not naive enough. Plus, I'm a terrible mormon neighbor: I scream at my kids, I get mad and rev the car....pffff. My goal is to become a much better christian before I start preaching about my church. I talk about prayer and God and my religion to fellow christians. It's a matter of fact, part of my life, part of theirs.
Well, I hope you and your girls are doing fine. Big hug!
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