Urgh...I don't know how other people do it, but I have no idea how to love my body. And that's putting it nicely. Right now I just want to puke when I see myself. Bleh.
I just really hate pretty much everything about my body. I realize there isn't a whole lot that I can do about changing the way I look, but I figured weight is at least one thing that is somewhat in my control. Well, I guess it is, but it kind of isn't. My body just likes to be fat. I've started training for a marathon over 2 months ago now. I've definitely worked out more than I have in a while. The result? I've lost 1 lbs in the last 2 months. Wow.
So, I'm still as fat as ever, except I was skinnier a week after I gave birth to Alba. To make matters worse, I thought I'd get some proper running gear, since I noticed that running as much as I'm running now, the usual attire doesn't work that well. I went and bought a running shirt so I wouldn't get chafing on my arms anymore, and I also got new pants. Honestly, when I went to the store this afternoon, I was a bit tired. I must have been really tired though because when I just tried the stuff on again now I realized how incredibly stupid and hideous I looked. I almost barfed at the mirror.
So, the shirt will be returned. The socks looked ok on my feet I guess, so I'll keep those. I looked stupid in the pants, but at least they were comfy so I'll keep those as well.
Anyway, sometimes (or probably almost always) I just wish Heavenly Father would have graced me with a body that the general society would consider feminine or beautiful - and not with this piece of work horse material that looks like a pending train wreck in just about any outfit.
Our little Family
A gal from Germany, a guy from California, another BYU love story, 1 bunny named Killer, 2 little girls, 3 degrees, 4 bikes, books in every corner, drawings on the wall, music and dancing, vegetable garden on the balcony, chocolate and prosciutto, pitched tents in the living rooms, cloth diapers in the bathroom, laundry piles in the bedroom, unvaccumed stair way, unironed clothes, lots of hugs, a bunch of tears, some heart ache, some fights, some disappointments, much joy, lots of traveling, nightmares and night cuddles, trips to the ER - swearing included, diarrhea disasters in public bathrooms, marathons, bike rides, prayers, faith, hope and hopefully some charity. Happiness.
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8 comments:
I had a hard time losing weight while I was nursing- I think your baby doesn't want to let go out the fat. So, maybe that is why it's been so hard? I don't know. I think it's part of every woman's plight- accepting her body as it is. ): Come to Syracuse- it will make you feel better!
Oh, and I gained five pounds while training for my last half marathon. Yes, gained. I was so mad.
Urgh, I guess I should be glad that I haven't gained weight. Then again, you're such a dainty little thing Kari - you can gain a few pounds and still look fab!
You're right though, learning to love our bodies seems to be every woman's plight. I just don't know how to do it. I just truly hate everything about myself sometimes. I just feel like this huge manwoman. :(
I think we should go live in solitude on a mountain top with no tv, computer, or magazines... Then we could be peacefully happy with ourselves the way we are.
We could get one of those indoor food recyclers...
I love you Fran and think you're beautiful. But I know that doesn't help.
Henry
Fran, I feel your pain. I now weigh the most I have in my life. More than when I was pregnant with any of my three. I am sick of it, but I am not doing anything about it. I keep putting off the exercising until it is convenient and it is not happening. I am planning to start training for a 10K come September when the kids start school.
I think it is important to learn to love our bodies. When I was in high school I was a size 6 and I thought I was so fat. My best friend was a size 1, my older sister a size 1 and my younger sister a size 3. I felt like something was wrong with me. I dieted and exercised like crazy and never saw results and hated myself. I also curse God for my body. Why did I get the bad genes and my sisters got everything perfect? It is so hard. I will say that when I was training for a 5K years ago and I lost a bit of weight, but was still a size 10 or 12. I started to love my body. I loved that it was able to run so long and that it worked so well. I didn't care that I was fat. I hope that will come for you. I hope you will see how awesome your body is and that you are wonderful the way you are. I think you are a beautiful person in every way.
I however thought you face looked really skinny in the picture in a previous post. I hear that about 4-6 months after baby is when you start to see pounds dropping. I also agree with Kari. It's every woman's plight.
Bleh for body issues.
Generally, when you're training for long distances, you don't loose weight, because your body needs so many calories to be healthy and to be able to do what you're doing. You just end up eating more.
However, that doesn't mean you're not getting stronger, and building endurance.
One of my former college roommates does an exercise blog, and has a lot of really great information on losing weight (and other things). I think she said that to lose weight, cardio is not the way to go.
So, you get to decide if you like running, and want to actually do a marathon, which is great! OR you get to focus on losing weight. If you're only running to lose weight, look into something else- if you're running for the challenge, or because you like it, maybe do the marathon, and then switch to something else.
I've lost all the baby weight, but I have a poochy belly that just won't go away. I just try to remind myself that no one important has told me that I should have a flat stomach, just people who have something to gain by me believing it. Stupid media.
One interesting thing that happened- earlier this summer I was riding my bike a lot, and my brain switched somehow from wishing I had skinnier thighs to thinking it was really cool that they were getting bigger. :)
(and your Mister's comment was very sweet)
(Oh- my friend's blog is TheGreatFitnessExperiment.com)
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