That's what Henry asked me last Sunday. My answer? "Nope I don't!". And then I started crying. So, last weekend was a bit emotional for me. On Saturday, while we were out as a family, I saw myself in a mirror (never a good thing for me) and that has a tendency to trigger bad feelings. Sure enough it did. I couldn't help but feel that I somehow resembled a whale, and not a cute pregnant woman. Once that thought took hold, other thoughts just came rushing in - thoughts of all my shortcomings and failures and what not. So, I started feeling really sad, and I still did on Sunday. When Henry and I talked on Sunday evening about this (he was surprised I still felt bad the next day), this was a question he asked. And when I thought about it, I wasn't feeling special. Not one bit.
When I asked Henry why I should feel special and he answered "because I love you" that made it just worse. And here is why. At that moment, I realized what was really weighing me down was who I, Fran, was in the eyes of the world. Thinking about that I felt that by any worldly standard, I truly wasn't special. I, Fran, had nothing going for myself - and to think that maybe the only thing that made me special was, again, not something of my own merit, but someone else's feelings for me, just cemented all my concerns (though of course, I'm glad that Henry loves me!).
All I could see was that here I am, almost 33, and I've never had a salaried job, I can't remember anything I learned in school, I haven't build up or are even on a path for some sort of career, and I have a useless bachelors and despite my age haven't managed to get in more education. I have no particular skills or talents that the world desires - no singing, or musical instrument I excel at, no crafty skills, or art talents, or sewing or photography or anything like that - and not even a crazypopular blog where I ramble about my life and family (I mean, I ramble, but it's not superpopular). I haven't run marathons, nor biathlons, nor triathlons, nor do I have any other specific athletic skill I'm great at. I don't have some of the amazing budgeting skills I've heard of (my friend told me about some lady who feeds her whole family and gets all their hygiene needs etc on only $250 a month by being some supera** coupon-er), or other amazing mommy-skills. I'm not some overly creative gourmet cook (I had nightmares last night being on Gordon Ramsey's Masterchef show, and him hating everything I cooked) or interior designer genius. I haven't held any big calling in Church, or done anything significant for someone else, or at least helped keep our debt low by somehow earning money on the side or maybe simply being active in some useful way in our community. Lastly, I don't even have beauty to go for myself. It's not like I could at least say that I haven't done much, but at least I'm nice to look at. Nope...I think on all accounts of visible worldly success - I feel like a failure. And then when I think that if nothing else, I'm being a great mom to Sophia, but she just cries her heart out when Daddy leaves, and goes crazy with joy when he comes home, while it seems like she doesn't care if I leave or come home - I wonder if I'm even making a difference in that area.
How easy it is at that point to feel that you're just living, hidden away in a little home day in and day out, cleaning, cooking, changing diapers, entertaining, helping, doing laundry, etc. without anyone even noticing or caring, or thinking much of it. How hard to feel special when nothing of what you do is very visible and significant to the world.
Neal A. Maxwell said the following, and this quote has been on my mind all week:
"So it is that the real, but unheralded heroes and heroines of our time are the men and women of the earth, who uncommonly resist the world's common temptations, who surmount the common tribulations of the world and continue to the very end in righteousness, arriving home battered slightly, yet much bettered. Such individuals may get little mortal applause or recognition, but there is real rejoicing elsewhere by those who really know what a good performance is!"
When Henry started suggesting that I could go back to college, or take some classes for this or that, or whatever, I realized that wasn't the point. Of course, I do want to go back to college at some point. I do want to develop some skills or talents. But that wasn't what was getting me down. What was getting me down was to realize that I had chosen something, something I considered to be the most important thing in the world - but no one seemed to care, even those I had chosen this for. I have chosen to be a mother. And as much as I love it, I realized how 'unspecial' that can be a times. How not special this may be for decades. That the recognition and applause that I may deserve for what I do may never come. That no one may ever notice the sacrifices I've made and the efforts I've put into my role as a mother each day. That the changes I've caused in the world may go unnoticed by everyone - maybe even myself. I truly feel that Elder Maxwell describes motherhood in so many ways in his quote. How tempting it is to choose the glory of the world - to chase after doing things that will make you visible and get you recognition from others. How hard to chose to stay hidden in so many ways, quietly trying to make a difference in the lives of those dearest to you. I do imagine that I'll arrive home a bit battered after this life, hopefully bettered. I just hope that on that day there will be rejoicing over my performance as a mother as well.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
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16 comments:
This could have been a post on my blog written by me. I feel the same way. I, like you, got an education, but now my teaching license is lapsed and I can't do anything. We are struggling financially so I have been trying to find work. It basically has come down to the fact that I have no skills that merit any income. I tried to be a tutor on a website, but failed the high school tests and they said they weren't in need of elementary and middle school tutors. I can't for the life of me remember anything I learned growing up. My kids are out of control. Seriously, our move has sent things out into a tailspin with them. They are moody and so hard. I cried last night trying to get them into bed. I got that book you suggested once and yet never found the time to read it and make it work for our family. I too feel like a failure. I wish I had words of advise for both of us so we could see our value, but it is hard to see the value in something like being a mother. We both need to know it is the best things we can be doing and work at doing it better everyday. I am trying to have more fun with my kids since I am such a moody person and often want them to just go play. It is hard and will probably get harder. You will always have a friend (even though we have never met) in me. You are awesome at being a friend. I can tell you that!
You're definitely not alone in these feeling, Franzi. I've felt most of those feelings as well and even though I passionately feel that choosing motherhood over everything else is the "right" thing and the "most important" thing, it has been incredibly difficult for me and there have been many long seasons of not feeling much happiness from it. I have to say that it has taken me many years to grow into and I will hopefully continue to grow in my love and enjoyment of it. Right now, after almost 9 years of being a mother, I can say that I finally feel much joy and satisfaction from it. I feel I have a really long way to go.
I agree that in the world's eyes it is incredibly difficult to feel of worth and "special" in this job. I'm so grateful we have the gospel to help us get a better perspective on it. I need that perspective desperately! Hang in there!
Thanks guys. It's indeed not always an easy road to choose motherhood. I wish we wouldn't live in a world where our worth is so completely evaluated on the external, visible, tangible things. But alas, that's how it is.
Yet, I'm glad I've chosen what I truly believe to be the most significant thing I can ever do - whether the world will ever know it or not. It just stinks to feel so unaccomplished at times. I can definitely understand why many women feel so compelled to pursue other things instead of 'just being a mom'. The world doesn't make it easy.
Although, I should say that I do hope to pursue some of my dreams at a later point like getting more education and being stunningly beautiful. :) I just feel that now is not the time, even if I wish that somehow it could be, or that maybe it should be, that maybe I should be a mother, along with getting a degree, along with working a little, along with serving the whole community, along with developing 20 talents along with being the bestest sexiest wife alive, along with being the perfect mother.
Or not. Stupid. Not that I have an issue with anyone attempting that or feeling the need to do other things while also raising a family. It's just not what I feel is right for us, even though at times I desire the recognition and praise that comes with trying to be an overachiever. :(
I know what you mean, too. I feel like this most of the time... I used to be almost addicted to recognition by other people. Then I had to move to Finland, and well, people don't give each other compliments or say uplifting things to each other... I mean I've never heard one positive thing about me from my stepfather. At first I felt like everybody hated me and that I was completely worthless... and then... slowly but surely I started learning this one important lesson: What other people think is of absolutely no importance. The praise of the world is temporary. At the edn of the day, when you say your prayers, there will be one person who sees your sacrifice, who loves you... and he is the one that matters.
Of course I have days where that doesn't help me much. Sometimes you just need others to tell you how great you are, and that's normal. They just cannot make you feel great in the long-run. BUT YOU can, you can learn to love yourself (it's still a lesson I'm learning).
And anyway, I want to tell you that you are, even by worldly standards, really wonderful. We were at BYU and the professors loved you (remember?). You have that spirit of leadership in you, of wisdom and intelligence, of honesty! (and you ARE a great mother!)
I love that quote by Elder Nelson, I've never heard it. Thanks for sharing it, because I, too, feel so undervalued at the moment.
I have to add that I do think you're a gourmet cook. You're food is delicious. (: And you are a well rounded person who cares about what is going on around you, and what's going on in the world. Plus, you are a wonderful friend. I miss being in Ohio with you!
I, too, know how you feel. Sometimes I look around at all the women who are "just" mothers with perfectly decorated houses, stylishly dressed children and accessorized selves, and I wonder why I can't be like that. And often these same women are fabulous athletes, or wonderful musicians, or have a hilarious sense of humor and on top of all that have all the leadership callings in the ward. Sometimes I feel like I have no talents at all.
I don't know how to make that better. Mike tells me I have different talents, which may be true, but I it doesn't make me feel better.
I try to find joy in every day, and believe me, I don't always find it. But I feel like if I am accomplishing something little each day, I feel better. Just knowing that I went to the gym, or put away the summer clothes, can be enough. It's not what the highly ambitious Kari from my college years would find fulfilling, but I know that Bailey and Avery would be miserable if I wasn't around to take care of them. They care, even if they don't tell me.
A few weeks ago, there was a guys who bore his testimony in our ward about how strange it was that we aspire to clean up vomit, get up countless times in the middle of night, and spend our days trying to keep ahead of the mess. It is strange, and sometimes I'm really not happy about the situation, but when I try to look at the whole picture, I know I'm doing what is right.
What a beautiful post. and quote. All of us can relate. I can get quite frustrated to feel that I'm becoming an unseen or less active member of society, while my husband, through his training, is gaining a nice status in society. And this stupid comparison brings feeling of envy and jealousy. But deep down...I know my choice is right, i just have to be patient with all the consequences motherhood brings (like putting aside the kind of personal development I value, which is not the kind that E. Maxwell talks about).
I don't feel too special when I'm waddling through a store dragging two toddlers and a pregnant belly, and east coast people stare at me. But I feel valiant, and it feels very good.
I'm with all these ladies in sharing your feelings. Back in high school I was voted most likely to succeed and I'm sure there are people that would look at my life and wonder what went wrong. I think I've thought that about myself too, especially being surrounded by people who are so "perfect." Then I think about the people I want to be like and most of them don't make the cut. Society tells us we need to be everything but we don't. You only need to be Fran and that's enough.
Thanks for posting this, Fran. Being a Mother is often not only under-appreciated, but lonely work. I for one thought I was the only one feeling this way. Thank you for bringing us out of our hiding places to tell each other we're not alone. This motherhood thing is hard work in so many ways. I think it's important that we come together and admit we're miserable sometimes. Thanks for being brave enough to say it and giving the rest of licence to. Sometimes I'm miserable and feel like I'm not doing anything worthwhile, even though I know I'm doing the most important thing. *sigh* Feels good to get that out. (I think one of your talents is getting people to say what they actually think instead of what they think you want to hear. Not everyone can do that.)
Sometimes it makes me feel better to realize that it's not until now that I finally am starting to actually be grateful for what my mother did. Maybe the same thing will happen to my kids. I've just got to wait 25 years and maybe I'll get a thank you for something. But I guess even if I don't, I did the most important thing, and I know my Heavenly Father is grateful to me for making the choice to take care of the children he entrusted to me.
P.S. Remember some of these feelings are coming because you're pregnant, and that does crazy things to your feelings.
Awww, so many beautiful comments. What a shame though that we all feel that way. I've been thinking about all of your comments, and it almost angers me that so many women are slaving away, day in day out, serving selflessly in their families (and often times communities, and workplaces on top of that), and yet there is no recognition for the difference mothers make at home. What an oddity it is.
Anyway, I do love being a mom. We just were outside walking around with Sophia, and she was running down the sidewalk shouting "Hier kommt Sophia!" (here comes Sophia), with her arms up in the air, and then often followed by a shout of "ich bin ein Maedchen" (I'm a girl). It made me happy to think how happy she was to just be alive, and to be a girl. I remembered my day-care days, and how distraught so many of those children were - probably because they didn't receive the love and care a mother (or father) can give.
Then I had some other thoughts...I had to think of the Savior of the world, who probably did the most noteworthy thing of all times, and yet the scriptures tell us that he was not much to look at, that people esteemed him not. He wasn't popular it seems by any worldly measure, nor was he getting much recognition for what he had done. Even some of those he had walked and served with, didn't even freakin' recognize him when they saw him again. Wow. I'm sure he felt like a real superstar, having 'only saved the world' and hardly anyone even paid attention. That thought reaffirmed Elder Maxwell's quote to me. Most people don't know what a great performance is, but there is at least one, God himself, watching on - and he knows. And probably just like any parent oftentimes being the only fan for their child, he will be cheering us on, knowing how great even some of our seemingly insignificant accomplishments are, because he knows us, and he loves us, and he knows what greatness is.
Ahhhh...why even pay attention to the deceitful calls of society.
Do I need a degree to know I'm smart? Do I need income to know I'm worth something? How nice if we could just toss all those notions out completely and instead focus on accomplishing those things we truly desire to do. To be who we want to be, and not who we think the world wants us to be. Stupid world. Hmmmphhh...
Ok, enough of the sermon. It's nice to know I'm not alone in my occasional 'lust' of recognition, and my distress over simply being an often disheveled, tired, not perfectly fit, unemployed and unemployable mother. If nothing else, at least I know that all of us make really dang cute kids. At least our genes must be quite superior. Haha!
Here's to motherhood. We're awesome, even if it's news to everyone else. :)
I'm glad this post had a happy ending. Honestly, I could've written this myself (although not as well, obviously). Even though I planned on being a stay-at-home mom my entire life, I was not prepared for how hard it would be, what a huge adjustment I would have to make. It's difficult to step back and take a long view of the thing when things are chaotic at home and you feel your mind is turning to worthless goo and you're pregnant (but not in a cute way). I know, Fran. I'm living it right now.
Franzi, it really is interesting how many of us have similar feelings about this, isn't it? I read this post yesterday and didn't comment because I was tired, but here's what I have to say: You are being way too hard on yourself. I find that I do that at times, and then later I realize my critical view was way skewed. See, I don't suffer from mood swings, I have 'perspective swings'. There are times when I feel so bad about certain areas in my life and feel completely overwhelmed by them. They overshadow everything. Then, when the fog clears and clarity is back I realize that my troubles still exist, but they don't have the power to take over the rest of my life. They no longer paralyze or pull me down. (I bet you feel differently when you read your post again compared to when you wrote it, right?!)
Remember there are seasons in life. Motherhood is hard, messy, unappreciated. It will change though. These short years with little ones will fly by. (I know older folks always say that and I fully believe them. I'm afraid I will miss these early years with my boys terribly.) I try to remind myself to enjoy the irreversible moments now and deal with career & other stuff later. You and all of us will struggle through these seasons, grow and one day look back realizing that it's these very struggles that help define us.
I like what your friend Isa said: You can learn to love yourself. What others say might make us feel good about ourselves, but the feeling doesn't last. I hate feeling dependent on recognition, pep-talk, whatever it is. Oh, and it wears the husband out eventually.
I think finding something other than motherhood & marriage to focus on helps build self esteem. Something you enjoy or feel passionate about you can make your own and doesn't depend on other people. Seems like you were doing well with your running. Maybe you'll do that again after the baby is born.
Oh and another positive thing about you: You have opinions and you're not afraid to voice them. That's a strength I admire. You might p*ss some people off, but you're able to express what you think. That's leadership!
Thanks for your comment Doerte! I like the idea of perspective swings, since it's probably very true that our perspectives usually change (sometimes quickly, sometimes through the years). Henry always thinks I'm depressed when I get like that, and I don't like it because to me that suggests that my feelings aren't real. I usually think they are, but as you pointed out - sometimes they have power over me, and sometimes they're just a part of life that doesn't have to influence me for the worse.
Times certainly do change, and we change with the years. That's a comforting thought as well. Yet, I do think that motherhood has the potential of being something you pour decades of yourself into, without much visible change through life. I talked to my mother-in-law just a while ago and she told me how she just starts seeing and understanding now some of the wonderful things her mother has done (10 years after her mother has died). So, I do think there is something lonely about putting your heart and soul into something for a huge part of your life that may never really be valued (in this life) - and I think that can be such a hard thing at times, without being a compliment hog (which I don't want to be and find draining as you pointed out). I think most of us want to feel/think that what we do is worthwhile and important somehow. It's emotionally difficult for almost any human being to repeatedly perform tasks that seems useless and unimportant.
I do think it's so important for women (mothers) to do things just for them - be it a hobby, pursuing more education, reading, girl's night out, whatever. I think we need to do things that allow us to secure our 'self' amidst a lot of selflessness.
But even with that I sometimes feel myself falling into the trap of comparison (as in who cares that I ran a half-marathon - a lot of moms I know have run a marathon and probably in the time I ran my half). Which is maybe the greatest pitfall for women - the comparisons, peaking over to see what others are doing. It really shouldn't matter. Who cares how I compare to others. They're not me, they aren't running with a H-cup that'll totally change your speed due to the strong gravitational pull. :) The most important thing maybe in all we do is to just learn to drown out that voice of comparison, self-degradation, and pressure for unrealistic goals in our hearts and heads.
I thought about that this morning and thought about Lot's wife. Seems like we always just talk about her desiring her old life or something, but maybe she just couldn't quit looking at what others are doing and how her life compared, and it very literally immobilized her - just how it probably immobilizes me. Loving yourself probably goes along with that.
Anyway, I hope my post didn't convey the idea that I think motherhood is just hard, or that I want compliments. I think my thought was mostly that it's hard to do something no one seems to value (even if you yourself love it, which is usually how I feel).
While I think an independent self is key, sometimes I just want to think that others care about what I do. :) Sometimes, I want to be part of the world. :(
But that was last week. And you're right Doerte, I don't feel like that now. Now I'm back to my 'screw what everyone else thinks' attitude. ;)
P.S. Sorry for the superlong posts. Somehow I can't seem to keep it to the point. It's not my fault. I got it from my dad. ;)
And Talyn, pregnany is definitely also messing with my head.
Yes, that's what I left out last night. Don't forget your hormones... they are very likely the ones messing with you!
I think I understand what you are saying. When your husband tells you you are depressed, you might think he doesn't acknowledge that your feelings are real. When I go through depressed phases, my awful feelings certainly feel real to me, it's just the rational mind to interpret these feelings that doesn't seem present. Once I get over it, I can think clearly and rationally again.
The key is to get to know yourself, recognize patterns and find way to get through the touch phases without creating too much of an emotional earthquake (that would make it worse). I am working on it. Yoga has helped me before.
And yes, if we could only stop comparing each other and instead compare our new selves with our old selves.
Well, I actually think the emotional earthquakes can be healing and good (unless you have them every day or something). But, I don't think there is anything wrong with it all coming crashing down sometimes. Isa and I just had a blog conversation about that. I think there is some need and beauty in occasionally just being sad, or falling apart, or whatever. Sometimes it helps us see a bit more clearly the areas that truly bother us, or we want to improve. Sometimes it just makes you realize that you're a human being with feelings, and it may connect you to others more or increase you compassion.
So, I don't mind the earthquakes. And usually once I get out my frustrations or worries, I start feeling better again, and ideas start flowing of things I want to do/can do to change the things I want to change. Sometimes I just need the crash.
Actually, there are healthy kind of earthquakes that make us human, help increase compassion and give perspective, I agree. I guess I should have been more clear in my previous post: Earthquakes (of the kind that would make things worse) - the unhealthy kind. ;)
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