can I not keep my mouth shut? Really. Why? I honestly don't know. I keep finding myself over and over in discussions taking a turn I didn't want them to, or I didn't want to be in it to begin with, and then yet I am. Or I did want to be in it, but not wanting it to go a certain way, or only my way or something. And then I swear to myself to just not say anything anymore, and then I do anyway. I just cannot keep my mouth shut. Even when I really don't want to say anything anymore because I know it's going nowhere, and people will just think I'm an idiot/jerk or misunderstand me, or call me names or whatever else. And I keep talking, even when I know it's causing contention. And even when it keeps me up at night because of how sick it makes me feel in my stomach. It's like I have a thought or opinion and I.Just.Have.To.Say.It. And in the end I hate that I said anything to begin with, because it just caused contention and/or hurt feelings and it produced nothing.
I always felt that if you try to talk and understand each other, conversations can be really productive even the ones on difficult topics where the people talking disagree. But, I am not so sure anymore. Seriously. Because I do not yet possess the skill to just quit and let it go. I think I'm doing better. I'm saying less of what I want to say. I think things through more before I say them/write them. I'm usually not taking things personal. I do pretty well with not interpreting stuff into what's being said. I think there is improvement, but at the end of the day I still can't keep my mouth shut. It's a fact. Anyone who knows me knows this is true.
Just about now, I want to move somewhere really secluded, and be a real hermit, just with Henry and our kids. And only those are allowed to visit who we have zero problems communicating with. It sounds so perfect to me right now. I'm just so tired of being me. And tired of feeling how I feel. And tired of swearing to be different just to find myself being the same old Fran. Bleh. I wish I was stupid and shallow. I think my life would be easier.
Anyway, if you know why I can't keep my mouth shut, enlighten me...
Our little Family
A gal from Germany, a guy from California, another BYU love story, 1 bunny named Killer, 2 little girls, 3 degrees, 4 bikes, books in every corner, drawings on the wall, music and dancing, vegetable garden on the balcony, chocolate and prosciutto, pitched tents in the living rooms, cloth diapers in the bathroom, laundry piles in the bedroom, unvaccumed stair way, unironed clothes, lots of hugs, a bunch of tears, some heart ache, some fights, some disappointments, much joy, lots of traveling, nightmares and night cuddles, trips to the ER - swearing included, diarrhea disasters in public bathrooms, marathons, bike rides, prayers, faith, hope and hopefully some charity. Happiness.
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15 comments:
Please don't shut up - it would make you (not to mention many lives you effect) rather boring.
Well, it would make me sleep better at night though. But let's stick to the main question: Why can't I keep my mouth shut, even when I want to?
Genetic defect? Mental defect? Character flaw? Split personality (like I want two opposing things at the same time)? Am I possessed? Am I just a slow learner? ...
Fran you can't keep your mouth shut because you care and in America we love to have heated discussions. It's always been that way as far as I can tell. If this is about our recent facebook discussion you ought to know that nobody took offense with anything you said. All is well. You express your opinions always in an eloquent and intelligent manner even if you are fuming inside. Sometimes people just disagree, even passionate disagreement doesn't mean offense was taken. And if this isn't about our facebook discussion then please fill me in on the details :)
Troy, the little facebook discussion was part of it, but not the only discussion where I felt like things had/have gone awry.
I'm glad no one got offended though, except I did a bit. Mainly I felt like I shared my views, and then rather than having a constructive discussion, my views just got made fun of. Or assumptions being made (like me being calm about women being abused which is such a far cry from how I feel or what is the case for my life. I've actually been involved in various things to promote women's rights).
So, I felt like I had no real chance to communicate my ideas and have them considered. I read your last comment on there, and thought about responding (in a constructive manner), but was too discouraged at that point. But, it's not a big deal. Water under the bridge, or whatever the saying is. I know you mean well, and you respect me, so it's ok. Sometimes it's just hard when you're the only one with your views. And I have that a lot. ;)
Better to think about ideas, and discuss them than to blindly follow what everyone else is thinking and saying. I have learned a lot from you, and have learned how to be open to new ideas.
I don't know what else to say. I have offended those in my family because of my political views. Really. I'm pretty sure that part of my problem with my brother in law is because he hates my more liberal views. But that is his problem, not mine. I have also had people tell me they are worried about my salvation because of them. However, I still really like that person, even if I cannot bear their views.
I've decided that I just can't tell certain people what I think. But then that raises some questions. I was having a discussion with someone who has some serious racial predjudice. I sometimes feel like I have to say something because I don't agree on moral grounds. Is it immoral not to say something?
And you should be able to right whatever you want on your private blog. Those who choose to be offended are making their choice, and I don't think it's your problem.
Hmm, good question Kari. By the way, I feel my blog is a safe haven now. ;) No problems here anymore. Haha-the joys of censorship. I do think it's a good question though of when it's ok to be silent. Clearly, sometimes (or often) what we say may just cause more contention and issues rather than be productive. But, then it seems that there are also things it would just be wrong to be silent about. Maybe my problems is that I feel there are too many important things that I can't be silent about. Hmmmm, dunno. Good luck. I guess in the end it all comes back to how we say it, and what the intentions and spirit of our words are. I certainly still need to work on that.
Let's hope for long lives. But you know Kari, at least we're in the hand basket together. ;)
Fran
Discussions seem to sway back and forth all the time, from what we like to what we disagree with to what we agree with...I guess it all just depends on if you feel like it's going in a direction that won't stop and you don't like that direction..then it's time to shut up. Er...I don't know.
Ever since you went private, I keep missing your new posts. Ugh.
I have the SAME problem. I cannot shut up, and I feel like a fool on most days because most of the time,I'm not even sure about WHAT I'm saying. But you know what: at least I'm genuine and honest. As are you.
And in my book, that's a WHOLE lot better than I'm smiling-but-I-secretly-hate-you. ;)
Ditto. My sentiments exactly. I wish I were less "I'm smiling-but-I-secretly-hate-you". No, actually I am more of a I'm tired-and-wish-I-knew-how-to-get-out-of-this type person.
yes i know that, too. :)
As I hesitate opening this can or worms, I can't help wanting to comment. I will probably be blown to bits for it, but here it goes anyway - you lack tact. (Actually very tactless of me to just blurt that out, but since I feel you are sincere in asking, I am sincere in trying to help you find an answer - please forgive my tactlessness for being bold and blurting that out. Tact is something that is sometimes lacking in Germany, as Germans tend to pride themselves on being honest and direct, something not always cherished in America.) Having the social graces to know when to keep your mouth shut also has nothing to do with being "stupid" or "shallow". It has a lot to do with being in tune with the feelings of those around you and picking up on verbal and non-verbal clues as to how comfortable someone is discussing something and having the tact to not keep on with a topic that should be abandoned. This requires many characteristics that I feel can only be devoloped over years, through trial and error sometimes, for some it is a gift, for others it takes practice and patience and prayer. I will not go on, but I wish you sincerely the best in your endeavors to accomplish your goals. PS - in case you didn't recognize it, implying that any of us that have little or no trouble with offending others are "stupid and shallow". Blanket statements such as this don't leave much of a good taste in the mouth.
Well, thanks for having the courage to speak your mind Quinn! I think you're totally right in saying that I lack tact. It's definitely not my strong point though it wasn't necessarily what I was concerned with. I feel that I often to recognize what others try to communicate, but lack the ability to 'abandon' the topic or to just shut up - period. Even when I feel it's time to shut up. And this issue of 'not being able to stop talking, even when I want to' is something I'm pondering right now. I'm sure tact plays into it and I ought to think about that.
If you don't mind though, I would like to respond to two things you brought up:
You started off saying "I'll probably be blown to bits for this". I know you started this way because you have felt previously that your opinions/thoughts/suggestions had been totally dismissed and shredded to pieces. And I assume that you figured,it'll happen again. I find that a little hard to swallow, especially in combination with something else you mentioned. You mentioned that I implied that people who don't offend are 'shallow' and 'stupid'.
Here is why. First of all, I understand that when people disagree with us, or maybe even vehemently disagree with us, it doesn't feel nice. No one likes to feel like their views aren't valid or good or their well-meant advice is straight out rejected. I don't like it either. But, I accept that others see things differently. I find it unjust towards me to decide I'm blowing someone to pieces because I do not agree with their views.
I suspect though that your sentence wasn't based as much on the fact that I've disagreed with you before, but how I have expressed that. I definitely need to improve on how to tone down my words. But, at the same time, I think when we share our views (as I constantly do) we need to live with the reality that people will dislike what we say. That's something I have to deal with all the time.
But, I think the issue goes even deeper. I think, at the bottom of this lies a problem of wrongful interpretation. Your suggestion of what I implied with the stupid and shallow is just a great example to me. See, when I wrote that, I thought that I wish I was stupid so I would be blissfully ignorant to all the bad things I do and all my weaknesses and shortcoming. When I wrote that I wish I was shallow, I thought how nice it'd be if all I talked about was the weather or movie stars or something light. I'd probably not get into all those controversial deep debates I have where things can get heated and sour.
At no point did I think that people who don't offend are shallow or stupid, nor did I write that. But, you took your own thoughts, and your interpretation of what I wrote, and made it something it is not. And I think stuff like that happens all the time, with anyone, at any time. People hear/read something, and they run with it, adding their own thoughts, interpretations, and in family, usually add all the past bad/good experience with the person who said something.
In this case, I find it a bit hurtful that you'd think that (at any point) I mean to disrespect and blow of your views. I also find it sad if you felt that just because I don't agree with you, I don't respect your opinions. But again, I'm sure a lot of that would have to do with how I say things. My only issue with that is that sometimes no matter how you say something, sometimes you can't win because of how people interpret your words. You can say the nicest thing, and someone will still take it to mean something else.
Which is why I'm not a fan of picking up non-verbal cues. I suck at it anyway, but I also don't want to become good at it. In my opinion, that's not a good way to communicate, and usually leads to more problems. I feel that if someone is mature and able to speak, then they should express their needs/wants in the politest way possible. It's not my job to read other peoples thoughts. It certainly is my job though to be the nicest person I can be. And clearly, I can improve in that area.
Anyway, now I wrote a lot. I hope you're understand what I'm trying to say. Basically, I appreciate your effort to share your views and communicate. I also think you have a good point. But, you definitely added your own (negative) thoughts to something I said, and that made me a little sad.
Didn't read all the comments. I can keep my mouth shut and have for some time. Then I feel sick inside that I didn't stand up for what I felt was the truth later on. There is no winning in this world.
By the way, facebook is the worst place to have these conversations. i know from experience because I have been berated on facebook to the point that I can't stop feeling bad for what had transpired. I am glad that I stopped saying anything, but in some ways I am sad that many people in my life could be rude to me after I voice an opinion.
Yeah, it really seems like you can't win sometimes. Actually, I take a little bit of comfort in the fact that you've fallen on your nose with saying stuff. If those who CAN keep their mouth shut and are nice and tactful (I just assume you are) can fall on their face, then maybe it's just not my terrible nature that leads to my many pitfalls.
I think I've decided the following things about communication:
1. If you open your mouth at all, you need to be ready for things to turn bad. If you don't open your mouth, you still need to be ready for things to go bad.
2. If you really want to communicate effectively, avoid written communication if you can, and don't expect people to read your mind. Use your mouth (or written communication if you have to).
3. Even though it seems almost impossible to do, everyone should steer clear off of adding their own thoughts/interpretations to what they hear/read. Seriously. I think that causes the most problems when people talk. We hear something and without even paying really close attention to what exactly was being said, we already 'hear' certain things in our heads. We all do it, all the time - assuming and interpreting like there is no tomorrow. And it's really, really, really counterproductive.
4. To avoid the pitfalls of no. 3, I think 'giving the benefit of the doubt' is probably the best thing to do, along with asking clarifying questions such as "What you just said sounded to me like you are in favor of racial profiling. Is that what you meant to say?" and then allowing people to correct themselves or to try again to convey their actual thoughts to you, until you understand. I think if everyone would double check with the speaker when we feel like they said something negative, we'd probably be surprised how rarely they meant what we 'heard'.
5. Also a hard one, but important one is to not be too sensitive, and take things too personal. Forgiving is really important. We all have our bad days. Sometimes we're just grumpy, and we may say things we really didn't truly mean, and may regret later on. Or we did mean them, but we only have such limited understanding of something, or just a limited perspective that with those things we can't really see things differently than we do or express them differently.
6. Love everyone, and try to truly understand where they're coming from and hear what they want to say.
I think if everyone would adhere to those 6 points, we'd all do better with communication - with being understood correctly, not getting offended, not offending others, being able to express ourselves, and so forth. Not like I'm good at any of this, but I think I'm at least developing a personal battle plan for communication.
I'm sure a lot of people think I'm nuts that I'm dwelling on this stuff so much. But to me communication is everything. I really think that 90 percent of problems in our lives, in the world, could be eliminated if only we could communicate effectively.
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