I just finished watching Biggest Loser (one of my recent, rare TV addictions). It's interesting to me to see how much emotional baggage comes with all the physical baggage, and it reminded me of thoughts I had earlier on today while taking a shower (anyone else doing a lot of thinking in the shower?).
I had to think back on my little sob post a few posts ago, and how one person expressed having been affected by their past (in a negative way). Then I started thinking about what things may have affected me negatively to be so insecure in regards to my body (and often myself in general). Some of those things seemed pretty obvious. Clearly, that one time when going up in an elevator with a colleague from a job, and the colleague asked me whether anyone had told me before that I'm ugly, and me responding with a feeble 'not recently', and the guy saying 'well, you are' - sure, that probably didn't help. Or, one of my parents repeatedly telling me that no guy will ever like me because I'm too wild, probably also didn't help. But, I couldn't help and wonder whether these problems didn't start earlier than that (as in earlier than my wild teenage years though I was really quite docile).
This is what popped into my head.
One day, as a sweet little 11-year old girl, I was riding my bike to the stable where I was taking horse back riding lessons. When I arrived at the stable, there was a car parked in front of the entrance, and a man standing by the car. He stopped me and told me this story of a little foal alone in the forest, and that he needed someone to help him with rescuing that little foal. Well, which 11-year old girl wouldn't want to rescue a foal??? So, I hopped into the car of this complete stranger (with a turquois shirt and funky plaid pants and a mustache, mind you) to go rescue a foal. We got to the forest, and whaddayaknow...there was no foal. At that point, it dawned on me that I may have gotten myself into a really bad situation. The unknown man was walking in front of me, and since I couldn't see his hands, and finally started to get scared, I thought he may have a knife and kill me. He didn't. He just turned around at some point and said the foal must be somewhere else. Back in the car we went. While driving, I noticed that he had 'forgotten' to zip up his pants, and to stuff away what should be stuffed away. Oops. Gone were the days of my virgin eyes. Then something crazy happened. I felt that this wasn't a good situation and that I should get out of the car. So, I hopped out of the driving car. Hopped out and wasn't hurt. As I tried to run away, the guy only stopped once to see if I could do him 'any favors'. I told him that my parents don't want me to, and ran off into a high corn field. And that was that. Nothing happened luckily. I think that extra prayer I had uttered before I left that day for protection had certainly been answered. I walked all the way back to the stable. I had my lesson. I told my parents what happened when I got home. They called the police. The police took me back to the place the guy took me. They never found him. And end of story.
I always thought that this experience had little impact on me other than that I started taking Karate lessons after that, figured that I shouldn't get into cars with strangers and...well, that's it.
Today I thought that maybe this wasn't so. I've had a few guys tell me that I'm fat/ugly etc. But, I think one thing I've heard far more from guys than anything else is that they were/are scared of me. Scared of ME! Can you believe it??? It sure always surprised me, but I've heard it a lot. Guys thinking that I hate guys, that I scared them, intimidated them etc.
Today I wondered if my sweet innocent heart had been violated that day and has expressed itself in a sort of defensiveness and distrust towards males. Who knows. I don't think I'll ever know, and seeing how I'm pretty functional, I don't care to truly solve this puzzle. I just thought about this this morning and then I thought, how on earth can I protect my sweet little daughter.
We sure live in a scary world. There is lots of beauty around for sure. But there are nasty and scary things out there. How can I protect my child from freaky pedophiles, from cruel people, who say hurtful things, from people who will, without thinking, harm mind and/or body of children. How can I make sure my little girl can be innocent and trusting, and yet safe. Urghhhhh...It about kills me just to think about all the horrible things that could happen to my Sophia, and break her heart or mind or spirit...or all 3. How can I teach her to be careful, and wise, and yet, not live in fear? How can I prepare her, and not ruin her innocence?
I realize, that I can't always keep her safe, and that the best I can do is to be wise and prepared myself, and to follow the spirit closely. I also realize that if I want the best for my child, I need to be involved, alert and active at all times to teach her, to promote those things that will bring greater safety to our communities and fight those things that make things less safe. Basically, I need to 'watch and pray always'.
And with all this said and shared, seriously, if anyone gives me a hard time again for my super stern views on moral things (as in what I consider pornographic etc. or otherwise sexually immoral and destructive), well, I only have one thing left to say - ...Actually, I don't. I just do not, in the least bit, understand how anyone can feel comfortable with anything pornographic. Nothing good has EVER come of it. Maybe not all bad things have come of it, but certainly nothing good. Pretty much every rapist, every pedophile, and often anyone else who's sexually promiscuous or unfaithful or whatever, has meddled with pornography. And I'm not just talking hard-core stuff here. I'm talking about it starting of nice and simple with just, dunno, Victoria Secrets or whatever. And, no I'm not going to be some fanatic who thinks that someone who wears a Victoria Secrets bra is evil, or that anyone who looks at a Rodin sculpture is a porn fan etc. Nope. Not like that at all.
I think I just feel very keenly, and strongly that immoral things/thoughts/pictures/actions whatever can and will usually greatly devastate both individuals and societies. And what happens in private DOES affect society. I'm sure the peep who tried to get favors from me, had looked at pornography and developed such a messed up and desensitized appetite that he had to try and lure a little 11-year old girl into his car. I think a lot of the dangers lurking out there today for our children, are a result of immoral living. And that can include even more than sexual stuff, but I think the whole sex stuff is definitely out of control. Freaky.
So really, how do I keep my child(ren) safe? It's so scary to me at times. It's so overwhelming, and daunting. I don't want Sophia to ever feel like I did/do. I want her to be happy and love the wonderful person she is -inside and out. I don't want her little heart to ever be broken. Yet, I know one way or another hurt WILL come her way. And that really is not a thought I like to think about. It's just not for my faint little mother heart, who wants to personally beat up anyone who ever brings anything less than happiness to my child. So, how do we do it? How do we live and raise children in this world???? Really, how?
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
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9 comments:
What a crazy experience. I'm glad you got away, too.
I don't know how to protect my children from everything, either. But I think you're on the best track...prayers said by ourselves and prayers said in our behalf. And teaching our kids what is right and what is good. I believe my own virtue was protected by my knowing what was wrong--backed with the prayers my parents always said for me...
We can never be with our children always, but our prayers can always be with them, and the knowledge we teach them can stay with them, too. That's the main thing that keeps me from worrying too much about creeps interfering with my kids' lives.
This was a quite the interesting post. When I got my ultrasound and found out I was having a boy, a part of me was relieved for this very reason (not that there are predators for boys as well). It's a difficult question, and I'd love to see how you do it (which I'm sure you will).
Oh Fran, I love your honesty. So much so that it made me cry. That's how I feel and some days I wake up so very early having nightmares regarding the same subjects.
I can tell you that the whole FHE, family prayer, personal prayer, scripture study and temple attendance is your foundation. I have relied on the spirit so, SO, many times in my daily raising of my children and I felt great protection from such. I work so hard myself on living on faith not fear and trying to raise my children in such a way. I do not mince words with my children when it comes to teaching them about the danger of others and I leave the rest up to prayer. We had a great stake youth fireside recently where a member of the General YW board came and spoke to the youth, and was very direct in her speaking against sexual sin. She pointed out that she did so because our Stake President asked her to be plain an direct. When Alex and I spoke with her afterward she asked if she was too bold and we both said no, the world around our children is bold and direct for evil and we need to do the same for good.
You are a great mom Fran, your children will get what they need from you and Henry, the Lord will provide the rest.
Teach them correct principles and let them govern themselves.
Yes, I think prayer/ following the spirit is definitely key in keeping our kids as safe as we can. However, at this point I wonder if it's enough. Wasn't there a talk at General Conference just now, where they said that praying is good, but praying with action is much better. I think, just praying for my kid(s) safety won't cut it in the future. It will be a great start, and it will bless them, and hopefully help me be guided to keep them safe. But, I think more is asked of us, and required.
I really think I need to actively 'fight' those things/people that bring harm to our societies and to our children. And, that's really one of my bigger issues rather than how to raise my kids. I feel pretty confident about what I ought to teach my children and how to treat them. What makes me uneasy is all the many influences and people beyond my control.
I can teach my children correct principles and let them govern themselves, but that may not keep them safe from others. What also bothers me is that because of the way the world is going that I may have to address things before I may want to address them with my kids.
For example, if I want to be the one enlightening my kids on sexual matters, I have to beat the world to it. And that may mean at this time, that around age 6-8 I already have to get very explicit. It saddens me that our children are more and more deprived of their childhood and their innocence because of how things go in the world.
Oh, and that reminds me. Rachel, while I'm sure it's a relief in some way to have a boy, where the risks of rape and other sexual abuse is a little lower, there are so many other challenges with boys. I wonder if I have a son, how I can teach him to be moral and pure in thought and deed when the world is shoving sex and any imaginable female body part down peoples throats wherever you go. How do you keep them away from smut, and things that will pique their curiosity, lead to masturbation, and who knows what else. Is it even possible? I don't know. I think whether you have a son or a daughter, there are great challenge ahead either way. They are just different.
Blabla...with all that said, I should mention that I think it's so wonderful to have Sophia, and to think about having more kids. It's great. It just bugs me, scares me, saddens me and makes me stern that there are so many horrible things to worry about.
Fran
I was afraid you might see my comments as such. Doing the things that allow you to feel the spirit is what directs you when to fight, what to say and how to protect your children. I taught my children the details about sex when I felt strongly to do so. I didn't leave my children in a RS nursery because I had a horrible feeling about the person watching the children (as supported by my RS president who said to never leave your children in a situation you are uncomfortable with). I constantly speak to my children about the sexual sins of the world and am not afraid to be explicit so they know what is right.
You can teach children correct principals and let them govern themselves, however, it is your job to protect them and you must constantly be aware so that when the temptations are too strong you are there to correct their paths. Teaching correct principals is an ongoing thing, and often it is all about constant reminding.
I remember very distinctly the difference in feeling when my two oldest two became eight. The adversary attacked in such a way that I was so angry that he would go after my young children.
Make your self aware by following the spirit and not pretending that hiding in your home is enough. Don't be afraid to stand up for your children in uncomfortable situations, they will learn to do the same. Speak out against what is wrong, even if everyone around you is accepting it as right, and your children will follow. Ask your children how they feel about certain situations and help them learn the difference between feeling the Spirit and feeling without.
The war in heaven that we teach of was only the beginning. I am disgusted at how bold satan has become and yet I feel powerful in the spirit. I work hard to teach my children the same, and teach them how to maintain this power.
Then you take out anyone who hurts your children.
I had a similar experience when I was eight, but for some reason I didn't tell my parents. I can't say why; I just didn't know how. And yes, I think it did traumatize me in much the same way your experience did you.
I agree with everything you said. At least we can take comfort in the fact that the rate of violent crime in the US is lower than it's ever been since 1973. That's something, anyway.
Maren, I think I understood you right. I wasn't thinking that you meant to only pray and do nothing. I was responding to several comments, and sharing additional thoughts I had all at the same time.
Julie, sorry you had to go through something similar. I actually don't know why I told my parents. Looking back, I actually think that was kind of weird. I think I never felt bad about what happened or ashamed or anything, since not much happened really. But, I think now it's dawning on me that even though the guy didn't touch me, that this may still have affected me more than I thought.
I also remember my dad saying I was such a happy kid, always singing, and dancing and smiling and laughing and telling stories all day. And then he said when I was 12 or so it all changed. Well, obviously, puberty is doing some bad things to kids. But, I really also wonder if that experienced also impacted me to the degree that my attitude towards people/guys changed. More distrust, more defensiveness, more need to be scary and stand-offish. Dunno. It doesn't matter now I guess. But it's good to learn from the past and hopefully to be better prepared for future events. :(
Thanks for telling your story so clearly Fran. I had some experiences like that when I was young. I began to think that the whole world outside of my family was devious and dangerous.
I never told anyone until I was 39, when I was getting counseling for something else. It is interesting that my counselor mentioned that a high percentage of sexual abuse against girls occurs between the ages of 8 and 10.
I continuously felt sad that I could not let my sons go over to the lake to fish alone but I knew those woods were populated with pedophiles. It just takes one. And yet at the same time, although overly watchful about my girls and my boys, I took some foolish risks at the same time. I just didn't see it. I don't know why I had such poor judgment sometimes.
I didn't want my kids to go through the same things I did. Yet, no matter how much we protect them, terrible things happen and we have to follow through with being open to talking and dealing with reality.
Also, I will never stop praying for my family. I do so everyday. It is my greatest defense.
Ruth
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