When I started this blog, it was primarily for the purpose for me to have a 'private' place (or as private as the internet gets) to just be me. To say, and share, whatever I feel like saying or sharing, without anyone giving me a hard time, because it's MY place to write whatever I desire to write. That's why in the beginning this blog was private. Then I realized that those I cared to share my thoughts with, were too lazy (or possibly inept) to log in and read. And then things changed, and it's turned more into a family-up date-with-occasional-rants-and-discussions-kind-of-blog. That's fine, too.
But, I've realized I don't use this blog anymore as I initially wished to. So, here's an honest entry for ya.
A while ago, at my book club, we (the ladies) talked about me trying to start a current events groups. I had actually asked the Relief Society president's permission to make this an official 'midweek' and got permission. So, I told the girls at book club that I had just gotten permission, and one person bursted out that I don't even like America (so why would I want to do a current events group - I guess?). That really startled me. Yeah, I know. Some of you may think 'Hello Fran, why on earth would such a comment surprise you', but it did. Mainly because I've never really interacted much with that person, let alone had a discussion or conversation that would have allowed for such a perception. Yet, somehow, somewhere, she must have gotten this impression from me. A friend suggested that maybe she had stumbled upon my blog. Maybe. Anyway, so, this really got me thinking. It got me thinking of the impressions I send out to other people, knowingly or unknowingly. It made me think of how I feel as a German in America. It made me think of how hard I've tried over the last years to 'fit in' and adjust to some cultural elements that are just so foreign to me. It made me think of how isolating and dividing national elements and cultural aspects can be. It ended up making me feel extremely alone and home sick.
I think I'm really tired of feeling culturally divided. And I think I feel even more tired of being culturally handicapped. If you wonder what I mean by that, well, let me elucidate. I've realized that there are certain aspects of our thinking and behavior that are a result/element of our cultural up-bringing. There are some things that seem pretty unique to each nationality. That can be a wonderful thing. But it can also lead to a lot of conflict or misunderstanding if you're out of your cultural environment. The handicap comes in when it's not only that you're running into barriers based on cultural misunderstandings, but when you're also unable (or really struggling) to see things in a different way or to behave in a different way because of your cultural mind-set. For example, my perceptions of patriotism are definitely and clearly shaped by my German culture. Being in a nation that has a very different culture perspective on patriotism can become a dividing element. But, then not only am I divided, I'm also struggling to see things differently/to take on a new perspective because of my deeply rooted cultural views. Arrrrghhhhhh! I don't even know if this makes sense to anyone. It does to me. And I'm so tired of it all!!!!! I want to be free of my own socialization and culturalization and be able to see things as they truly are - good or bad. I want to be able to feel at home in any setting, and not feel alienated half of the time.
I'll admit some of these issues are not just a cultural matter, but my own personality certainly also plays a role. Sure. But really, why is it that those who most closely share my experience in regards to 'transnational living (I just made that up - is there such a thing?)', are the ones who always seem to understand me best? I guess we also relate best to those who have experienced what we have, so maybe this doesn't make sense. Well, in a nutshell, how come my European friends, who've also lived/live outside of their home countries always understand me, and we all feel the same? I'm sure because our culturalization is similar and our conflicts dealing with another culture therefore are similar and blablablabla...
I don't want to sound smart. And I'm sure I don't. I just got so homesick. Except, when I go home to Germany, I realize that in many ways I don't quite fit in there anymore either. I'm becoming something new, my own little culture and nationality. I'm Fran. But, I can't help and feel so tired sometimes of having to watch my words, having to try to be something I'm not, trying to understand things that are just so weird to me, trying to fit in, when I just want to be something else. Just tired. Tired of being misunderstood, tired of offending when I didn't mean to, and tired of sometimes offending or hurting those I deeply care about, just because I have such a different perspective and couldn't keep my mouth shut. Tired that, what I think in the end are national/cultural aspects, can divide me so much from people. Urghhhh...I hate it. I wish I could just think differently. I wish I could just love patriotism. I wish I could just love lots of others things that bother me and where I can't help myself but think 'well, this sure is better back home'. I wish I wish.
Sometimes I really just want to hide under my blankets and cry, because I live here in America. That's how hard it feels at times. But, most of the time it's great, and I'm happy, and I love it, and I love my friends, and life is good. I just wish that I wouldn't always feel like half of Fran has to be hidden if I want to live peacefully in this country. :(
On a happy note, Sophia is really cute. I thought I'd just throw that in. She helped me lunge the horse I ride today. I was holding the lunge and she was holding the whip. It was so cute to see her get all excited helping me with the horse. What a little sunshine. She certainly is the best of what Germany and America have to offer to the world. :)
On to the next topic. Yup, here's something else that's honest. I hate my body. Did I ever mention that? Well, if not, now you know. I've pondered this a little and realize that I should probably be grateful. Clearly, things could be much worse. I could be deformed, or lose a limb, or get some illness that makes me gain 300lbs or whatever. Clearly, some people got it far worse than I do. And, I realize that probably on the ugliness scale, I'm not even that low. I'm probably not the ugliest person alive. Phheeeewwww. So, I can breathe easy knowing all that. Still, I really hate my body, and my body and I have had this hate relationship for many many years now. I guess, over the years, it's gotten a bit better. Once guys stopped telling me to my face that I'm ugly or fat, and stopped telling me I'm not pretty enough to date me, things have definitely improved. But there is that little voice in my head at times, that just will not leave me alone. I actually tried to see a therapist about this at some point. She turned out to be crazy, so I didn't go back.
Really, all I want is to be dainty, and skinny, and beautiful like...like Sandra Bullock maybe? Or, urm, I don't know 80 percent of the girls at BYU. I just don't want to be me. I hate how I feel like a big, fat, gigantic Brunhilda next to the rest of the female world. I hate how nothing ever fits me well (if it fits at all). I hate my crazy hair. I think my nose is too big, and we won't even speak about my boobs. And, when God was so generous with my chest, was there nothing left for my bottom??? I think my legs look like the legs of a frog - skinny around the feet, and then they get really chunky around the thighs. Ok, I'll spare you with more details, although, if you're still reading you must find this somewhat interesting. All I wanted to say is how sad I get at times over looking how I do. That, too, sometimes makes me just want to curl up under a blanket and cry. Instead, I try to be positive and change things...go work out and all that jazz. Arhhhhggg, that makes things even worse. When I kill myself for weeks working out, and dieting, and then realize, no matter how much I diet, I'll never have a waist, or butt, and my hip bones will forever stick out in a weird angle, and my shoulders are still big and wide, ...
Honestly, sometimes, I'm really unhappy with who I am. Sometimes I'm sure that I'm one of the most losery, unintelligent, unaccomplished, depressed, untalented, boring, offending, unlovable Germans out there. Sometimes I'm amazed Henry hasn't taken off yet with terror in his eyes. Then I forget about all that again. But, in the last few weeks this sure has been with me quite strongly. I just hope this goes away again fast. I DO prefer being happy.
And no, I don't need advice. I know what I need to change, and do. I know counting my blessings, and serving others helps me be happy. I know being grateful is good. Blablabla...I know. Sometimes I just feel sad, and alone, and losery...and I felt like writing it down. So there! I'll take a hug though.
Our little Family
A gal from Germany, a guy from California, another BYU love story, 1 bunny named Killer, 2 little girls, 3 degrees, 4 bikes, books in every corner, drawings on the wall, music and dancing, vegetable garden on the balcony, chocolate and prosciutto, pitched tents in the living rooms, cloth diapers in the bathroom, laundry piles in the bedroom, unvaccumed stair way, unironed clothes, lots of hugs, a bunch of tears, some heart ache, some fights, some disappointments, much joy, lots of traveling, nightmares and night cuddles, trips to the ER - swearing included, diarrhea disasters in public bathrooms, marathons, bike rides, prayers, faith, hope and hopefully some charity. Happiness.
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40 comments:
Oh, and here's a big cyber-hug!
It's one of those days, huh. *hug attack*
You don't have to apologize about writing what you want to write on your own blog. That's why I love it, it's just so damn honest and straight-forward. Like you. And that's a wonderful part of you, don't let anybody tell you any different.
You know, I've lived abroad for over 10 years now, and I've gone through some of the things you've mentioned. Strike that, I've gone through all of them. I still feel like I'm not at home anywhere. But strangely enough, and I can't remember the point when it happened, at some point all of the cultural divide that I was feeling, the cultural handicap, as you've pointed out, turned into a sort of inner strength. Because I've learned what most others don't ever learn, and I think that it's a lesson reserved for eternal foreigners like us, that what others think or expect does not have any effect on our own personal value. I can't explain it right. But what used to tear me down, ie me feeling like I had to hide parts of me to fit in, has become one of my sole sources of strength. Everybody is playing roles in their life, whether they are native to their country or not. I can operate in three different cultures, being me, and if people have a problem then that's THEIR problem. Not mine. I think I'm more honest to myself than most people. And from what I'm just reading, and knowing you, so are you. That's a GOOD thing, because most people live their lives in denial. The person who got offended at your comment, was offended because she isn't comfortable with part of a truth, whatever that truth may be. But somehow, you've made her realize it, and she hates it.
so the trick is to never be ashamed of what you are feeling or thinking. don't wish you would love patriotism, you don't have to. It's not you. You cans trive for more patience and understanding and for the ability to operate within that culture, thinking and saying what you are and what you want, but knowing when and how to without giving offense. I think that's the trick to cultural, mutual, understanding. We don't have to be chameleons and become like any given culture, all we have to do is learn how we can be ourselves while making use of some of their social rules.
Does that make sense? Not really, I can't express myself right. I don't think I'm getting my point across at all, haha.
Anyway, the main lesson to learn from this experience is patience, understanding, and love, while at the same time remaining true to yourself and to your roots. Will it change you in the process? Of course it will, and that's the meaning of life. Will you become American? No, and you don't have to. Your strength is in your own roots, whatever they may be. And that's true for Americans living in America, as much as it is for Germans living in America or Spain or Timbuktu.
Okay, I'll stop, because this all sounds weird and I'm not saying it right, again. ;)
All I want to say is, you'll get to a point where all that seems difficult to you know will feel like second nature, easy as breathing, a blessing, and a strength.
and don't beat yourself up over your body. I think all women have issues with their bodies, whether they are skinny or fat, beautiful or ugly or anything in between. if you were skinnier, would you love yourself more? No. and that's a fact. I guess we just have to learn to accept who we are. I know, it's difficult, I hate my calves, and I wish I could just cut them off. haha.
Anyway, lots of hugs, feel better soon, we all love you for who you are, please don't let some ignorant people change who you are. you really are their blessing you know, giving them a chance to think about things they've never thought about before. Lol, that's how I think of myself. The walking blessing, bahahaha.
I love you Fran. Sometimes it's just hard to be happy and thats okay, we love us anyway. :)
Oh Fran. I'm sorry you're having a hard time.
If it makes you feel better, I like hearing about Germany and how it is different. Bring on the self cleaning toilets! I think we can learn from all countries. I have heard lots of things about Germany that I wish they did here. And I'm sure there are things here you wish were in Germany. I think living in both countries makes you more aware of things around you. That is not a bad thing.
I can relate to feelings of inadequacy in many areas of my life too. Like Pres. Uchdorf said, that's what women do. We're too hard on ourselves. I have lots of room for improvement in this area... But for what it's worth, you are a great friend! That has to count for something. (:
Sniffsniff, thanks guys.
Julie, I know that Henry had a whole fan club. I always teased him about being a womanizer, because I knew so many girls were in love with him. I think, once at the foreign language house, he was singing this love song in Italian, and I could literally see all the girls swoon. I was so disgusted I had to leave the room. That was when he was still 'not romantically interested in me', and I was annoyed how he was killing all the girls with his charm. Phhhh...
I think having had Sophia has helped me not worry so much about my body. I realize there are more important things, and that true love has very little to do with looks. But then, I still wish sometimes that I could be Henry's trophy wife, and not his spit-upon, saggy-eyes, droopy-boob,extra-fat kind of wife. When I go to Church I feel so weird sometimes, and think, poor Henry. All the girls in my ward are so pretty and talented, and he got stuck with me. In Germany it wasn't as bad, because most sisters were 50 and up. Hahaha...
Oh well, this will pass.
Isa, you're also right that even if I was skinnier I probably wouldn't be happy. Actually, a while ago I looked at pictures of me just before I got married and I thought I looked so skinny and wished back for those days. Henry then kindly pointed out that back then, I thought I was fat. Oops.
I think my biggest problem is 'Evil Fran' - the voice in my head who has a counter argument for everyone and everything, no matter what you say. It'll go something like this in my head:
Good Fran: 'Fran, you maybe want to look like some pretty girl you know, but they probably want to be someone else as well. They also may not be happy with who they are."
Evil Fran: 'Yup, they may not be happy either, but I bet ya they're happy they're not me'.
Good Fran: You don't know that. Some people may look at you and wish they looked more like you, the way you look at others and wished you looked more like them'.
Evil Fran:'Right. Remember the time when I told X that I wished I looked more like her, because I think she's so pretty. Well, remember how, even though she admitted that she thinks she's not pretty and she wants to look like other people, she didn't say she wanted to look like me. That's probably because she DOESN'T want to look like me. Nobody wants to look like me because that'd be worse than what they got.'
Good Fran: 'Well, God has created you and he said that everything he made is good'.
Evil Fran:'Yup, that's because God is a man, and he thought it'd be cool if he gave me the hugest boobs on the planet. If his wife would have been involved, this would have looked differently'.
And so on...If I could just get Evil Fran to shut up, reason may actual have a chance with me.
As for the cultural stuff, I think one of the hardest things is that I don't like hurting people's feelings. I actually don't. Yet, while I have some awesome American friends, who've listen patiently to my rants and frustrations about their home country, I know those same people are sometimes hurt or at least saddened by my comments. That doesn't make me happy. I don't want them to feel that way. And I don't want to communicate dislike of America. I actually like it here. But, sometimes, I get really frustrated, or homesick, or plain annoyed with something that I think is reasonably annoying, and it's hard to share those things, without someone thinking I'm bashing America or feeling a bit sensitive and hurt.
So, I think I have to learn when to say what, or whether to say anything at all, and that's hard. With some people those things are not a problem at all. Henry doesn't mind it one bit. But, I think this is definitely not a majority. So, then I feel like I have to hide a good part of myself. Even on my blog. I don't like that.
The other thing that truly bothers me though, is our cultural perspective. I really start to feel that, while our different cultures bring a lot of beautiful things into our lives, they also have this great tendency to divide and become obstacles. How many of us are able to leave their own cultural biases 'at home' when they encounter other people and other ideas and really contemplate things for what they are. I find that very hard to do. I always seem to see the world through my German/Personal up-bringing. And, I don't like that. Sometimes I really wish I could leave all biases behind, and think freely, unhindered by views/perspectives/ideas that have been nurtured inside me from the day I was born - consciously or unconsciously.
Does that make sense? An example would be that I wish I could consider the value of Patriotism without having the baggage of my German up-bringing that keeps telling me that it can't be that good, and possibly dangerous, nor do I want the American baggage that claims it to be necessary and wonderful etc. I wish I could just be neutral...Switzerland to speak in Twilight-terms. I want to see things as they truly are. Not as they appear to me in my biased world view. I just don't know if that's possible.
I probably had other things to say.
I'll say thanks for now for all the love and support coming my way. This will pass. But I had to get it out.
Oh Fran...I'm glad we met in Ohio:) You are a fun person that I enjoy talking to, and reading your blog:) I'm excited to see you in a few short weeks!! Take care!!
p.s. how is killer these days??
I love you Fran! So I wrote this post about how the Germans are an "Eat, drink, and be gloomy" people, but I haven't published it yet, because I haven't finished the post about all the German things I love (I want to publish them at the same time, in the hopes that I wont so alienate my in-laws and friends that they stop talking to me.)Anyway you will feature in that post about the German things I love. I am jealous of your hair and eyes. And I always loved your clothes - if I weren't the size of a 12 year-old I would have hit you up to borrow them when we were roommates (but as my husband points out I am woefully short - this is one of those areas where my non-German genes are thwarting my German ones).
Besides being jealous of what you've got that I don't, I also love what we can share. Politics - ya that subject is off-limits with Tobi. I love that I can disagree with you, without being your enemy. And I love that you get blog discussions going. (Oh to have 23 meaningful comments on one of my blog posts - my all-time high is 7 and it's stuff like your kids are so cute (which they are, but that people recognize that, doesn't show much evidence that I am actively moving and shaking things in the world.)
Also be aware that cultural dividers are not one-sided (things you do and say will be perceived by Amis as being done and said by a German - even if you learn them from other Amis. So don't beat yourself up too much about causing misunderstandings (half of any misunderstanding falls on the shoulders of the receiver, and you have no control of how you are received.)
And one last tidbit, before I end this comment that is long enough to be a post itself (and I hope this makes you laugh, not feel more depressed) but as I was reading about the stupid boys who mistakenly told you, you were too ugly to date, I had to think of a conversation with Fabio about how pretty you were (which he started). He couldn't handle you though - major personality clash!
Oh there was one more thing I wanted to comment on. I saw on Facebook that you voted on whether or not recitation of the Pledge of Alligence should again become standard in schools and my first reaction was like what the heck kinda business is it of yours, it's not even your pledge! However, then I realized your daughter will most likely be attending some American schools - and that makes it your business.
Oh now that I've read what everybody else said. SWITZERLAND IS NOT NEUTRAL IT TERMS OF PATRIOTISM! (Go read Wilhelm Tell by Schiller, or go to Switzerland) They are as patriotic as Americans, but they must have better PR, because they don't have as bad a rep for it.
Also I would like to second what Isa said.
And your conversation between Good and Evil Fran made me laugh. Bad, bad Evil Fran, bad!
Fabio, eh? That's crazy. I never knew. But yes, major personality clash is almost an understatement. I'm sure I would have throttled him to death at some point. Nice of him though to think I'm pretty. Maybe I'll spare his life now the next time we cross paths. :)
And you can't talk politics with Tobi? What kind of German is he? Is he forgetting his heritage, or do you guys just have really different views?
And, I wasn't trying to say that Switzerland is neutral in terms of patriotism. I think too, that they are very patriotic. I was just using a phrase from Twilight, where Bella says she wants to be the neutral party, she will be Switzerland.
And, I don't even want to be neutral. I just really wish we all could leave our biases behind, and see/discover things in their true nature. However, I think this will not be possible until we're Gods.
Wait, you know an actual person named Fabio?
Hug hUg Fran! Honestly, to each his own. And if it means anything, I think you're pretty cool!
Can I just say, at the risk of sounding un-American, that Americans make a show of their patriotism because they are naive. It's been 150 years since a war was fought on American soil. If we had seen the horrors of dictatorship and war on our own turf as recently as Europeans have, we too would be uneasy over something so innocuous as the Pledge of Allegiance. That's what I think, anyway.
Haha, well said Julie. I do think it's important to remember the sacrifices of others on our behalf. I don't know that I want to glorify war though. From everything I've heard, it's always a pretty horrible business.
And yes, we know an actual person named Fabio. He's Italian. Why?
Ya, Tobi just lets me know that our marriage is more important than hashing out political issues, so we have to stick to other topics.
Ya I remember that passage from Twilight. Anyway if we were all the same the world would be awfully boring. Still I think I see what you're getting at the Lord sees things without the fog of human pettinesses/biases and He is able to see things as they really are.
On another train did thejuliestblog really mean innocuous? Why would people be uneasy about something
1 : producing no injury : harmless
2 : not likely to give offense or to arouse strong feelings or hostility : inoffensive, insipid
(see: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/innocuous)
I had to look up the word to double-check that it really meant what I thought, after seeing it used in that context and now I'm really curious if it was the word she intended or what she meant.
Well, she very well could have meant that just. If you think about it, she's trying to suggest that people get uneasy about something that 'apparently' is totally innocent and harmless and basically no 'biggy'. But, because of the European history, you get uneasy even over something as small and harmless as the pledge. :) I can see it used in this context.
Also, I agree with Tobi that marriage is more important than politics. However, I also think it's important to learn to have difference, and talk about differences and different views in a marriage without it becoming a dividing factor. But, as I already pointed out, this is something most people (including me) struggle with. So, if it can't be done it's probably better to just keep the peace.
However, I have to say that in the beginning, it wasn't always easy to talk about political things for Henry and I. But now, we can really talk about anything and everything and it's never a problem. The fact that we agree on most things though certainly helps. ;)
Sending hugs your way, Franzi. I want you to know that I accept you for exactly who you are and love you for it. I always have.
I can completely relate to the body hating. I've pretty much struggled with that one for most of my life and can't seem to find a way to get over it. I'm grateful to Todd for loving me exactly how I am, even if I can't find it in myself to do that.
I wish there was a way to see things as they really were too, without all the inborn and taugh biases that we have. When I was living in Germany, even though I completely loved it there, I didn't feel "at home" and also didn't feel like I could fully be my true self. It was really hard for me to feel peace. It was very eye opening to me just how much we are affected by our cultural upbringing, whether good or bad. It's quite frustrating.
Anyway, I always enjoy reading your thoughts and I love you for being Franzi!!
I don't think I glorified war in my comment, Fran. Quite the opposite, in fact.
And yes, I do think that the Pledge of Allegiance is innocuous. But I think I already made it clear why Europeans would be made uneasy by our habit of ceremoniously repeating said innocuous pledge.
Well, you pretty much look amazing Fran. You've been working hard and it shows. Furthermore, you have a great sense of style. I know when I first got around a lot of Mormon girls I had a "I-wish-I-was-as-cool-as-them" complex. Then I got to know some and they were jerks. You are not a jerk. You are cool. And also very pretty :)
Yes, that's why I was so curious as to whether innocuous was the intended word. Used as thejuliestblog did, it makes one consider, just how innocuous a pledge of patriotic loyalty is - and I love things that force me to think.
It's interesting your comments about wanting to not judge based on your background or cultural upbringing. I have found that those kinds of feelings are subdued with time. The more you experience, the more you get to know others around you and have the opportunity to serve others, the more open you become to understanding others and learning not to judge them or their situations. I also laugh that Henry pointed out that you thought you were fat around your wedding time. I'm finally becoming happy about my body and I was so much thinner before. Hate that Satan and his temptations to forget just how perfect we are. :)
I can't tell if Sarah or Troy said that. I'll give Fran all the hugs from everyone. It's amazing what things you can learn about your wife by just reading her blog.
I love how Fran writes. Everything is always so easy to read. I can't imagine ever being able to do that in German.
Henry
P.S. I love my German(s)
Thanks for sharing that Fran. Fwiw, you made my Cool List several years ago, and there you remain. Your friendship has meant a lot to me and has helped get me through some pretty rough times. You're one of my favorite people, and I'm glad you married one of my other favorite people.
I too take issues with me-- pretty much everything about me. My name isn't actually tied to this post, and please don't link it to my pseudonymn here, but I've struggled with self worth my whole life-- an unability to heal from childhood scars. I certainly don't claim to have had the worst of all pasts; I only mention that mine affected me. I express it less in my body, choosing instead to constantly berate my ability to do anything worthwhile. I also think I'm borderline-if-not-over Aspbergers, so whatever. There's a line in a Bad Religion song which sums up my existence-- "I can't relate to you."
But to know that one of the people I most respect struggles along the same lines gives me strength. I mean that Fran, and thank you for sharing.
Switzerland is pretty darn patriotic, but I've haven't heard of it meddling in the past several hundred years. No one likes meddlers of any form. America meddles. Switzerland just has CERN and great chocolate.
I too find the mainstream patriotism here bizarre. Politicians go on about patriotism, but politicians care only about getting elected, so it rubs me more as an appeal to folks' emotions than genuine love of country. Example: Barack Obama didn't wear a flag on his lapel early on in the campaign, so logically he was a terrorist. Guess what? I haven't become a fan of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints on Facebook, so obviously I care not for things pertaining to the Kingdom of God. I think it's a deeper issue than that. As for the populace at large, when people take offense to "anti-American" speech I wager they're not actually on behalf of the country in all cases. I think it's often faulty collectivist thinking that goes something like this: "America is great, and I happen to live here. Therefore, I must be great too. And if someone says something about America, then they're really insulting me personally, and I'm afraid of that." If America is great, then that doesn't make any of her residents anything in particular, other than people who happen to live in America. Similarly, just being Tom Scholz's brother wouldn't make me the socks-rockingnest guitarist to come out of MIT. If the patriotism were more genuine, I would think it would extend beyond bumper stickers and complaining. And this pseudo, skin-deep patriotism that looks a lot like narcissism makes for uncomfortable social situations.
You see, I really do love America, and I stay here because I don't want to go anywhere else. That is the result of my life experience, and I don't claim that everyone in the world would be happier here. I'm unapologetic of what I've lived. When I hear genuine America bashing, I get annoyed. Not offended, but annoyed. I'm of the mind, "if you don't like something, do something about it." However, America is not perfect and has faults, and you can't really discuss that in more nationalistic circles without being branded a pinko commie.
Sorry about those removals. I discovered typos, and Blogger doesn't provide edit functionality.
I ran a measly 11 mile tonight, so my brain along with my body is fried. I don't have energy to respond to a lot of things so I'll just respond to one thing right now.
Julie, I wasn't thinking you were glorifying war. I think I understood you correctly, but my response just wasn't clear. I think if you were a war lover, we wouldn't be friends. :)
What I meant was that I think it's important to be patriotic in the sense of remembering what others have done for us, but not to the point of glorifying war. There.
Thanks for all the other comments. I'll respond tomorrow.
Bahhh! I just typed a really long comment with some of my experiences in India, etc. It was brilliant, I tell you :-) But it got lost and is now floating somewhere in cyberspace:( and now I must go to bed.
Just know I find your honesty and your thoughtfulness refreshing and hope we get a chance to hang out again sometime.
Good night!
First of all, 11 miles!? That is amazing! Way to go!
Second, I get what you mean now by glorifying war. Between your response to my comment and KroekieMonsters's, I couldn't understand last night why I had so utterly failed to make myself clear. Now that it's morning what you said makes a lot more sense. I guess my brain was fried, but I don't have something awesome to blame it on like an 11-mile run!
Hey Fran,
HUG!!!
I hardly know you, but still:
I think you're really cool, you're smart (you even write poetry!) and I honestly think you're beautiful!
Forgot to mention that I think you're very brave and cool, because you say what you think. I don't dare to do that in many, many situations. And I admire you for being so honest!
Alright, here's my attempt at responding to all your lovely comments (despite my being high on pumpkin).
Deanna, let me just say that without you I probably would have gone crazy. I'll always be indebted to you for having always listened to me, even when I was just ranting about whatever I disliked about America. I know that wasn't always easy, but I know it meant a lot to me to have a friend who'll hear me out, even when it's not fun. Thanks! And thanks for calling me Franzi still!!!! It's so nice to still hear my original nick name at times. Maybe I should re-introduce it. Anyways, I love my American friends. :)
Sarah and Heidi, thanks for thinking I'm cool. I realize it probably wouldn't reflect positively on you guys if you hung out with someone un-cool, but I know you actually really meant that I'm cool. How nice. (Now shut up Evil Fran).
Maren, I agree that with time a lot of our strong feelings in regards to differences fade away. But, considering that I've been in the US for 9 years, and it's still a struggle, only shows how long it really can take to not run into obstacles all the time due to cultural differences. Judging isn't even my concern. I don't feel that I judge people so much as I feel that there is always a danger of misunderstandings and thus hurt feelings. I'm sure though that no matter what, with each year it'll get easier.
Notenoughblogs: I'll call you Dr. Grammar. I'm glad I'm still on the cool list. I think it's so strange that sometimes the people we're most impressed with seem to struggle just as much as we do. I have to think of 2 Nephi 4 a lot. I mean, he's a prophet. And yet, you read that chapter, and I keep thinking that he must have felt pretty low about himself quite a bit. Why would he feel bad? Why would you feel bad? But, I think you have a great point that some of our life experiences follow us for a long time. It's sad to me to think that great people like you(and maybe me and others) will feel down and defied because of the lies in our hearts that were a result of others actions. But, I agree with you that there is strength in knowing we're not alone in that battle with ourselves. Thanks for boosting me up once again. Thanks for all the time you spend boosting me up when Henry was giving me grief. I'll forever owe you. Just know that you and your spouse are simply amazing people.
Also, as a side note, I just kind of picked patriotism as just one American thing that's hard to deal with for me. However, that doesn't mean that Patriotism is THE one American thing I struggle with. It was just a random example. I really liked what you had to say on it though, and agree with what you said. Maybe it's your unique ability to not declare someone a pinko commie just because they have a different view.
Julie, I think you have every reason to be fried. You're a mother. I know, I'm too. But, I swear, after I read your whole thing about how 'lovely' your pregnancy was and all your other struggles with nursing etc. I'm nothing but seriously impressed. Wow! You survived all that, and you're still normal, and even considering more kids, and you haven't killed yourself or your child? Wow! Wow. Wow. Wow. Honestly.
I complain and whine because Sophia doesn't eat as much as I want her to, or because she doesn't sleep 20 hours straight or something. But, to be honest, she has been the easiest child ever. She doesn't eat our plant dirt. She doesn't pull out stuff everywhere. She's not a screamer. She never spit up as a baby. She nursed superfast, and latched on from day one. She slept great from the beginning. She's happy when we travel. I mean, I could go on forever on how truly easy she's been. And I thought this was hard at times. Apparently, I can't handle more than easy. Really, you can pat yourself on the back. What you've done is nothing but amazing.
Reni, I hope we get to hang out again some day.
Sabine, du bist auch cool. Ich hoffe, wir sehen uns mal wieder irgendwann in D-land.
Thanks peeps. I wanted to respond to everyone because you all made me feel warm and fuzzy. Thanks for being my friends. Thanks for all the good times. I realize we all have our down days, but there is nothing like having people around who love us, support us, and listen to us. Even if it's just on a blog. ;)
Honestly.
I love you, Fran. I really do. I love you for who you are, and I want to post it publicly. You're a part of my family. We married brothers. Our children are cousins...and I hope they will always be close. I know that we are opposite in so many ways...but our husbands are, too. I'm also tired of misunderstanding you (and, conversely, sometimes feeling misunderstood).
And writing this made me cry, because it's true.
You have so many wonderful qualities. Your heart is so big...and that love just shines in your face. Not very many people have that kind of shining countenance, but you do. You have a tireless drive to do what is best for yourself and your family. You have an extremely intelligent mind--and you use it. You don't let it idle by. And your thoughts engage others to think about their beliefs...at least it does for me...and it helps me confirm what I think is right and best for me (even if it usually is different than your way).
You're beautiful. Your eyes are so pretty, your skin is like porcelain and flawless (not covered in freckles and moles). You may hate your boobs, but I often think that Rob got cheated out by my lack of boobs (can't I just take some of your extra? Seriously!).
I also love how honest you are...about how you view things, about yourself, about your trials. And you're not only honest, you also try to do and be better. And you're a great mother. Sophia is so lucky to have you. There is so much about you that Henry not only loves, he just adores and cherishes...it's obvious when you're together.
(As for the singing thing...Rob sang a solo in church a few months ago. When I went to the library to get copies for my class, the 60s+ librarian asked me, with stars in her eyes, if he serenaded like that to me at home. Even married, these Patterson boys make hearts flutter. But these Patterson boys are faithful, one hundred percent--I just read Horton Hatches an Egg today. And that is so, so comforting!)
I know that sometimes when we get together, we have fun and things are good. But other times, for some reason, things are awkward. I know that we both don't like that. So, next time, let's just have fun and put that weird awkwardness behind us.
We're family. And we always will be.
Honestly.
Fran, just quickly because there are already comments worth a book on here:
Just wanted to say that what I was trying to say is that the cultural bias does leave at some point... to a point. At least to the extent that you 100% understand where the other people are coming from. You might still not agree, but sometimes you do, and it has nothing to do with cultural bias when you don't or do.
The only thing that never leaves is your childhood, but not necessarily the truths of your childhood. But the smells and memories will always be there, and they'll influence you in what you value in terms of food and what will make you feel at home subconsciously.
But everything else, all opinions, etc, can leave.. and they will after a few years, at least they did for me. For the Finnish stuff at least, since I've lived here longer. :)
Maybe it depends on how old you were when you left. I was 16 and my mom moved with me, so the biggest part of my soul moved with me and is not in Germany any more.
And about hurting people; yes, that was my point, too. After a while, you start operating in the other culture, adapting to their social norms, not because you're hiding part of yourself but because that's who you've become. And then you'll just know HOW to say things and WHEN to say them without hurting others' feelings. I still hurt others' feelings, but that happens when I'm expressing my frustrations mindlessly, and when my objective is not to talk but to vent. And when we're venting, we hurt people in our own culture, too. Again, that has nothing to do with cultural divide. Some people in Germany love the health care system, some people hate it, and they manage to hurt each other yelling at each other, although they're all Germans.
So you getwhat I'm saying. Not all differences of opinions are due to cultural divide. Some will always stay with you, but you will at least understand where the other person is coming from, for themselves, and see that it is their truth and appreciate it. And that's a gift that people who always live in their own country rarely have (as you can see from watching CNN, lol).
Angie, thanks. That was nice of you to say. You're right - we're very different. But, there's hope, mainly because you're a really nice person and you try so hard. If I ever can stop long enough to be a jerk, I'm sure all the awkwardness etc. will just disappear. ;)
Also, I didn't my opinions strengthen your opinions to go the other direction. Seems that I work like reversed psychology on you. Maybe I need to start agreeing with you to get you to do things my way. Ha!
Isa, I think you have a great point there. But, this also may be my biggest problem. I think I like to vent/need to vent. Sometimes I get so frustrated/worn down by certain things that are either hard for me to understand or just extremely annoying (probably because I don't understand or simply don't agree). And then I need to let my frustration out somewhere. That's partially why I started my blog, so I don't have to tell it to someone's face. But, even with my blog I managed to still offend some. Argh...Maybe if I just wouldn't get worked up over things, nothing would be a problem.
You're not a jerk...we just often see things differently, and we just see things in our own ways so very strongly.
I think we're more the same than we realize. And, maybe in time, we'll see more similarities than differences.
It's funny how your strong opinions in one way makes me think why I really do have an opinion on the opposite thing...and then I think about it and research my point of view...it re-confirms and strengthens my point of view. I think when it comes to stuff like this, we ought to realize that we can agree to disagree--and, most importantly, not categorize each other in judgmental "clicks" (for lack of a better word...like "all liberals or all conservatives") in order for us not to offend each other...just a thought.
And if I or you get offended by what the other says/writes, then that's our own problem...taking offense when none is meant to be given.
Honestly, sometimes people will just be offended because of the ere fact that you are a German saying something or the other about the US.
J hates the Finnish Health Care System as much as me, but when he brings it up, people listen intently. When I bring it up, people get offended and don't even want to listen.
So, sometimes, people just get offended because they want to and because they don't really listen.
Again, that is THEIR problem, not your's.
Fran,
You are a great girl & I can't tell you how grateful I am at how hard you work & how much you sacrifice to make your husband & family happy. I couldn't imagine moving to a different country than I grew up in, much less know that I might stay living there for a long time. I'm sure that you do a lot of what you have chosen to do to make things better for your Henry & Sophia. Selfishly I want you guys to live close to us so we can hang out & play and feel more at home but I'm sure nothing can replace home quite like itself. It's normal to feel cruddy sometimes but it still sucks. Just know that you have a lot of people who care about you and want you to be happy. I love you & miss you guys.
-Sarah
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