Ok, now I have to say something on the issue of letting babies cry, because of some suggestions to let Sophia cry it out at night. First of all, Sophia crying has NOT been an issue regarding my sleep deprivation (which I think is probably not worth mentioning in comparison to others - in my case it means that I have to wake up at 3am and 6 am instead of 5am and 8 am right now). The issue is her waking up sooner for food - nothing else. She's never been one to fuss around at night, needing tons of attention, crying lots (or at all), needing to be rocked to sleep or waking up just to be held or whatever, or wanting to nurse just for the sake of hanging on my boob. She falls asleep on her own in the crib. She never falls asleep while nursing. She is a really easy baby as far as sleeping goes. And so I've gotten spoiled. Usually, she wakes up once a night, eats for 5-10 minutes and she's right back to sleep with not a tear shed in the process! So, since crying has NOT been an issue, if suddenly she woke up in the middle of the night crying relentlessly, I think it WOULD BE very heartless to not tend to her obvious need, especially at an age where crying is her only way of communication, and where she's way too young to manipulate. But, I don't think that was something we were talking about anyway.
So, I realize, everyone is different, has different ideas, different abilities, different limits and I say to each their own, but as far as I'm concerned it seems like a bad idea to let a tiny baby cry for long periods of time. Sophia isn't even 4 months old. I've read plenty of books on the issue of teaching babies to sleep (since this was my No. 1 concern with having a baby) and there wasn't anything that credibly suggested that this is the only way to teach a child to sleep nor the best way or a medically/psychologically/whateverologically necessary way to do it.
Now, when I know my little girl just ate, got changed, and everything should be fine, and she's a little fussy, I let her fuss around for a few minutes to see if she'll settle down on her own. When it's bed time, I try to not pick her up from her crib and just reassure her a little if she seems to struggle to settle down (which, as I mentioned is rather rare). And I think as children get older, you can expand on that, but to just let a little baby cry until they fall asleep (probably from crying exhaustion), or to recommend to not feed them or pick them up, without any knowledge of what else might be going on that may cause them to wake up (she could be sick, growth spurt, night terror, etc.) is just bad advice as far as I'm concerned. Don't get me wrong - I'm sure it totally works, and the babies eventually sleep through the night. But, what is it that I'm teaching my child? That it's a tough world and it's just too bad if they need more food or have another need, and they better suck it up, because in the middle of the night there is just no way they'll get my attention because they should be sleeping?
All things in moderation. Letting a baby cry a little when they are just tired and need to settle down is one thing. Letting someone cry until they can't cry any longer is not moderation to me. I think there are better ways to teach children to sleep that aren't as extreme. I know plenty of people who don't let their kids cry until they fall asleep and the kids have still learned to sleep through the night. Now, I cherish my sleep, I truly do. And I most definitely want my child to sleep through the night as soon as she can. I realize that may require some tears, but I don't think it requires my child crying herself into exhausted sleep and me ignoring her until she gives up. That's maybe what you do with a stubborn toddler who won't sleep, but not with a 3-months old baby.
But, this is just my opinion, and as I said, to each their own. I just needed to get this off my chest because I don't want anyone to think Sophia is crying my ears off. Crying has NOT been the issue. Food has been...and so most likely she's just going through a growth spurt. Also, she's been sick and that probably hasn't helped the issue. But alas, she's not a cry baby - if anyone is, it would be me.
P.S. I hope this doesn't offend anyone. It's not meant to offend. I realize you're all concerned well-wishers, who just want to help out because you've been where I am, and you know what it's like. I appreciate that. It just happens that I have strong opinions on this matter, which hopefully doesn't come as a surprise to anyone, since I seem to have strong opinions on just about everything. ;) And, in the end, because each child is unique, each situation is unique and even our parenting changes all the time given our current circumstances, I think the only way I can raise my child well is following the spirit. Otherwise, I think I'm busted no matter what I do.
Friday, January 23, 2009
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8 comments:
I could never let Bailey cry it out- it would have broke my heart. I think when she was almost one we had to let her cry it out at bedtime. After one night, she just sang and played herself to sleep. She grew out of waking up at night by herself when she was eight months old- I hope Avery does the same!
That post was so long it made me cry.
I think I might have to disagree about the manipulation idea. I've noticed Sophia cries more with me than with Franny, because she knows it works more with me. I think she's smart, not malicious. So, I think she learns little by little what works and what doesn't. So, if crying gets her picked up. She'll cry when she wants to be picked up. But then again, whose to say her needing to be picked up isn't a real need?
I think what it comes down to is that our needs for sleep, homework, eating, or sanity need to be balanced with her needs of being held, loved, played with, comforted, etc... Just like any relationship. So, if a baby cries all the time, and you feel like you're going to kill somebody, then letting that baby cry and stepping away is probably the best thing. All relationships are dynamic which is why advice for one doesn't always work for another. As an optometrist I won't prescribe the same glasses to everyone. (I just wanted to throw that in there).
I hope this lengthy response didn't make anyone cry. If it did, tough.
Henry
Fran, you're right, we all just want to say we've been there...and in the end, everybody's happiness is the goal. This is why we are four people in a queen bed. We are warm in winter, too warm in summer, and the boys know the parents' bed is the best spot for sleeping and affection. They might start their night in their beds, but somehow when we wake up, surprise!, two toddlers have found their way between us. It makes us feel important. So it works for us.
hahaha, you're so funny Marie! Well, I think that can be very effective birth control though, right? Now you don't really have to worry about a third child for a while because, with two toddlers in bed with you, that'd just be awkward.
I think everyone does what they think is best. I just couldn't hold my tongue is all. ;)
I like what you said, Henry. I think balance in everything is a wise thing to do.
I agree, Fran. And I've had really really rough times with Fé. But now, in the end of it all, it has been so worth it because I have the most wonderful relationship with her, she trusts me completely, and I know we will be best friends.
Everybody needs to find their own way, but for us, having a trusting relationship with our daughter was priority. I know a lot of parents who have gone the other way, and they are happy with it. I just wouldn't be.
Anyway, I think you are a great MAMA, you are doing it so right! You'll get all kinds of wonderful rewards in the near future. :)
Sorry, long post, but I'm opinionated on this issue. :)
My cry-it-out philosophy has changed a little this time around. With the boys, it was about sleep training. I thought that by having them cry it out, they would learn how to sleep on their own quicker. With E & S being so close in age, I realize that's not always the case...because they're both getting to the same point at about the same age. You're doing what's best for your family, and that's what is important.
I let E cry it out for 2 reasons. 1. My back. Plain (or pain) and simple, I just cannot carry her around long enough, when she's tired, to get her to sleep. When she was a newborn, I loved carrying her in the sling. But it weakened my back and I stopped using it because I had to. I wanted to not have her cry it out, but I just physically couldn't do it.
Now she's just used to going to sleep on her own and won't go to sleep in my arms, even if I try.
2. It's easier for me to handle crying when it's away from me, not when it's in front of me and in my arms. For some people, it's the other way around because it's easier for them (they feel like they're in control of the situation) to try to help the baby settle down. But for me, I feel like I'm not in control when the baby is crying in my arms and won't stop. So it's easier to put a fussy and tired baby down, check the clock, and go do what I need to do...that's how I can confidently control the situation. I've learned her cries and know when she needs me to go back in and when she doesn't. And that's how I've felt with all of my kids.
So, in the end, we just do what works for us. And consistency, in either case, is the key for the babies to feel loved and feel like their needs are being met.
You gotta admit, even though we do it differently, both of our girls know we love them and they know that we take care of them.
Wow, that was long!
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