But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up. That's in Daniel in the Old Testament. It's the story about the 3 guys ( I really can't remember their funky names) who stand firm in their faith, believing that God will rescue them. And then they say the above...but if not, ...
I always liked that verse. I thought it was so admirable that they were so convinced of a truth that even if the truth itself failed them, they would stick to what they believed. In other words, they were so devoted to their God that even if God wouldn't come to rescue them, they would still stand firm in what they believed to be true. What conviction.
Recently, I have felt that my faith in God has been really weak. I get mad at him, and it's hard for me to believe that he loves me and cares for me. I don't understand why he would make me the way I am if he truly cared. I can't see how the challenges I face are helping me in any way to come closer to him. I just don't understand, and then I get mad at him. I feel far away from him. And it makes me sad. I seem to remember the days where I felt really close to my Heavenly Father. I remember occasions of prayer where I know I truly communicated with God. And now I feel the only reason why I don't turn my back on God is because of my Savior Jesus Christ. I can't turn away from him because I know what he has done for me. I do not question in any way his love for me, and know with certainty of the power and reality of his sacrifice for me and everyone. I really feel that in him I can find peace, hope and light. And yet, I feel I struggle so much to believe that the other part, God, loves me just as much, that I matter to him.
Yesterday, in Church I got so sad. I really felt in my heart that there was light and hope in Jesus Christ. I knew I was missing something, and I was sad feeling so empty and confused. I realize I want to and need to change myself. I feel I'm not grateful enough. When I should be counting my blessings and rejoice in the good things I've been given, I get upset over who I am, and that I have to be me. When I should trust and believe, I feel like I'm kicking the hand trying to feed me, because I don't understand why things have to be the way they are. I realize I'm afraid of a lot of things, and don't trust God to really have all the good intentions we usually ascribe to him.
What I really want is to be able to believe again like I used to. I want to feel my Heavenly Father's love for me. I want to feel happy with who I am. I don't want to be afraid, but have that trust in a God to guide me and support me. I want to be close to him, and feel his guiding hand in my life. I know I've felt it before...but right now it's hard to remember. I just feel so weak.
Monday, December 3, 2007
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2 comments:
Ich kann dich sehr gut verstehen. Mir geht es eigentlich so, dass ich eher nicht die Hand Gottes in meinem Leben sehe. Natürlich bin ich dankbar für meinen Job, meine Gesundheit etc.. aber manchmal frage ich mich warum es nicht wirklich weiter geht in meinem Leben. Und das sind dann die Momente wo ich mich Gott nicht besonders Nahe fühle.
I don't know if you'll see this comment because it's been awhile since you wrote this...but I'm feeling a lot of the same stuff right now. I also feel weak and distant in my relationship with God and it's hard because I have had times when I've felt so close.
Lately, Colden has been really, really whiny. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY. I just don't have patience for it. I usually try to ignore it, but sometimes I just blow. And he doesn't think that he's whining...he probably thinks that he's just pleading.
Today, I was thinking...do I whine to God sometimes when I pray? I often feel like I'm pleading with Him, but maybe it's more whiny. Anyway, there's a lot I need to work on...more sincere prayer, more intent scripture study, more patience in suffering the whiny kids, etc.
I'll pray for you. Okay?
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