Working at a day care may not be the best thing for me to do (well, or for anyone for that matter). It really scares me at times. Yesterday, I only had 3 kids at work, and enjoyed the relaxed atmosphere, and how "easy" it was. Yeah, can you imagine having three infants and thinking it's easy??? So, I thought motherhood really can't be that bad, because I feel comfortable handling 3 little kids at once, so just having one is bound to be fairly chill.
But then of course, the next day (today) I'll have 4 or 5 or 6 16 months old kids again, and it totally stresses me out. Today I left work feeling sooo frustrated. It was hard that the kids didn't listen, and climbed on every imaginable object. Their recent favorite thing to do is skydive through and down a shelf. We have this shelf with toys in the room that is a backless shelf. So, they push out all the toys, lean in at the top shelf, push themselves in, and then out, facing head down. Of course, they conveniently do this while I'm changing diapers, more precisely, the moment I have the diaper off, and poop everywhere, so I really can't do anything. While I'm stuck, and seeing them diving down towards a hard floor, all I can do I try to get their attention and get them to stop. But, alas, do they care when I say "no" or "get down" or "walk away" or "eat your boogers"? Heck NO! I'm sure you have experienced this, but have you experienced this times 5 or 6? It drives me nuts. And every day, I'm determined to not lose my cool with the kids. But I fail a lot. I get really upset, because I try to keep some sort of order, and keep them safe and clean and I can't, or at least, I can't without being utterly and completely exhausted after 8 hours - physically and emotionally.
There are kids everywhere, and it's just out of control sometimes. And no matter what I say at times they just don't listen. When I put them down for their naps, two girls will get out of their cots within seconds. While I put one back, the other one is out again, and the I run back and forth until I'm fuming mad. I want to yell at them. I want to spank them. I want to just shove them into their cots and make them stay. Sometimes I do, well, minus the spanking because I don't think I'm allowed to do that. But I did slap a hand today. It has crossed my mind to duck-tape them to their stinking, little cots.
Yeah..., I know. Don't I sound like I'd make a great abusive parent? I'm scared of myself. When I am a mom, I want to be patient and kind. I want to teach, and not yell, and I really don't want to spank. But, working with those kids, feeling so overwhelmed, and so upset with them that I want to do all those things makes me afraid that I'll be a really horrible mother one day. I feel like any fear or thought of inadequacy I ever had in regard to me being a mom are just being brought out at this job, shoved in my face and stamped "you will fail". I'm scared to become a mother.
Our little Family
A gal from Germany, a guy from California, another BYU love story, 1 bunny named Killer, 2 little girls, 3 degrees, 4 bikes, books in every corner, drawings on the wall, music and dancing, vegetable garden on the balcony, chocolate and prosciutto, pitched tents in the living rooms, cloth diapers in the bathroom, laundry piles in the bedroom, unvaccumed stair way, unironed clothes, lots of hugs, a bunch of tears, some heart ache, some fights, some disappointments, much joy, lots of traveling, nightmares and night cuddles, trips to the ER - swearing included, diarrhea disasters in public bathrooms, marathons, bike rides, prayers, faith, hope and hopefully some charity. Happiness.
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8 comments:
I know you lovey. Even if you want to light yourself on fire and jump from the tallest building you wouldn't do it. I know you are good to those kids. I bet you a million dollars, or just all of our savings, that every other mother and day care worker feels the same as you. I think you will be a terrific mom and I won't ever make you make lesson plans for toddlers or wear gloves when changing their diapers. Come to think of it, you'll probably get me to do alot of diaper changing.
If you want my advice--which you don't but I'll give it anyway--manipulating the little guys to do what you say might work. Like, promise a candy, or something they really want, only if the do what you say. So when they are diving off the shelf you can say, "If you keep climbing on the shelf, you can have the goody!"
Actually scratch that. I think with those little guys they will probably keep climbing on everything, they'll lose the goody and then cry when they don't get the goody. Bad idea, don't listen to me.
The only thing that will save you with your own kids is that you will have a bond with your babies so you like them even when they do things that drive you crazy. You might stil want to kill them but my guess is that it won't feel as bad as the kids at your work. Hopefully you won't have sextuplets of your own either! (I can't believe they stick you with kids all the same age!)
weird, I posted at exactly the same moment you did Sarah! Our link is beginning again! Woo hoo.
Yup, tried manipulating them. It works like this: If you don't sit on your cot, you can't have your binkie." They go sit down. I give the binkie. They jump up again, because they have their binkie. Repeat 100 times, and it may sink in.
I'm sure I'm not horrible enough yet. The one girl I got really upset with today (whose hand I kinda slapped), didn't even stop smiling, even when I was so mad, and told her she can't climb on stuff any more, and dig in the trash. I thought it was pretty obvious in my face that I was ready to feed her to the toddlers for lunch, but she just looks, smiles...and walks away to keep doing what she has been doing. ARGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
I actually really like the kids. They are really cute, and it makes me even more upset that I lose my cool when they are really cute kids. The cuteness makes it even worse. The one girl who kept jumping up from her cot for nap time, ended up walking around telling all the other kids "night-night" and was patting their bums, the way I do, to put them to sleep. It was hilarious, but I was still upset because she was supposed to go 'night-night', too.
I used to have dreams of being a wonderful mother and never yelling at my kids and so on. I've learned that with my personality and impatience - those expectations were completely ridiculous and impossible. I never understood before how abuse could happen. Now I completely understand. Being a mother, for me, has been the most difficult challenge in the world - even only having one child of a certain age at a time. The whole 24/7 responsibility really exhausts me physically, mentally, and emotionally. But, I always keep hoping that I can keep improving and just keep on doing the best that I can. I'm teaching them the gospel, how to be good people, they know that I LOVE them, and I'm dedicating my whole life to them at the moment - so I figure that's all I can be expected to do. And it's definitely much easier to love your own kids, than someone else's.
You're going to be a great mother and give it the best that you can. That's all we can do, right?
You will definitely appreciate only having one child of an age to deal with though! Just think of how your multi-tasking skills are improving right now!
Hi Fran! I love your blog.
Anyway, who says you have to be a great mom? And who determines what a great mom is anyway. If I sometimes lose my temper with my kids, does that make me not a good mom anymore? No that is silly.
My philosophy with motherhood and with life is if I try, than that is enough. I don't even say "if I try my best" anymore because than I fret that I didn't do my best.
So I just try to love my kids and enjoy them and let them enjoy me. And I freely acknowledge that I am screwing them up in one way or another just like my parents did to me. And it's all ok - we have to get our weaknesses from somewhere right? I remember one time telling my mom I was being so mean to my kids that day and she told me she was so much more mean to us as kids and we all turned out all right. And it's true! Right??? We did, right???
I like what people have said. I, like Elice, do admit to my kids that I'm wrong sometimes. Even though Colden is 3, he can tell when I do something that I shouldn't...probably because it chases the Spirit away. I tell them that I'm sorry that I shouldn't have yelled at them, etc. And I just pray again for help to control my temper/tone of voice/attitude/everything...and I try again. I also never considered myself to be one to yell at my kids...but I am honestly doing better now than I was a few months ago. That's good!
That age that you are watching is difficult. They're like Dylan's age. Too young to manipulate, too young to understand rules, too young to understand "no". However, they are old enough to understand time-out (although it often takes multiple time-outs before they learn the rule you're trying to teach them). Do you have a place like a crib or a port-a-crib that you can put kids in for a time out? After they scream it out a few times, they might stop the shelf diving.
Also...with your own children...hopefully you'll have enough time to give them positive attention so that they won't be consistently seeking negative attention by misbehaving.
blah blah blah...I'm done.
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