Hello Blog

I deactivated my Facebook account yesterday. Yes, I can do hard things (hahaha). We'll see how long I last.

I think I'm in a weird/bad spot personally right now. I've had various clashes/run-ins with various people (family members, ward members, FB members), and it's really shaken me up. There's a big part of me that just wants to be sad and feel bad because no one understands me. Sob. And it may very well be true that there's a good chunk of my personality or my personal needs that most others don't get, and that this is the cause of a lot of conflict. But to be honest, I think a good chunk of it is also me just being an ass. Henry tried to disagree with me, but we discussed it, and at the end he couldn't completely disagree with me.

I can be really horrible to people. I can be a like a blazing fire rushing through and just taking down everyone standing in my way. This trait may have the potential for some good stuff, I'm sure, but often I hurt others with it. I'm not sure why I act the way I do sometimes, and I don't know why I resist certain things that aren't (rationally) a big deal. But at any rate, I know that I'm not endearing myself to others. I hate it. I feel so desperately lonely. And then I do crap that only alienates the last few charitable folks who'll be around me. ???

And then Sophia started school, and I'm freaking out. I'm not sure why some of the things bother me as much as they. I realize giving up control and submit to the questionable authority of others is definitely something I have a really, really, really, really hard time with. Why? I do not know. But everything inside me starts churning, and wanting to put up a huge fight. On top of that I'm feeling sick to think she has to recite the Pledge of Allegiance every day. I did have a conversation with her about it yesterday, when she reported sadly that she wasn't really participating because I didn't want her to and "why do you hate America". I almost wanted to cry. We talked about it, and I do think she understand some aspects, but she also really wants to participate because "the flag is so pretty - it has white stripes and red stripes and pretty stars!". And I don't want her to have to feel excluded.

But on the inside I'm freaking out. I know there have been all kinds of people piping in trying to assure me that they turned out normal despite reciting the pledge etc. And that's probably true. I realized though today that all of this is touching on a deep-rooted fear of mine. Basically, I'm terrified of my kids turning into people I don't understand. I am already in such a strange place as an immigrant, one that others will not understand unless they have also abandoned their home countries. You're never quite at home, wherever you go. I've lived here so long now, and I still cannot understand patriotism. It still makes me feel uneasy and yucky. And it's terrifying to me to think that my own kids may be exposed to and embrace a cultural trend that is...so not part of me, and something so foreign to me. I'm terrified of seeing strangeness or a sense of "not-homeness" in my own home.

I'm feeling depressed. Because I do not understand myself. I don't know why I feel so strongly about certain things. Why there's fear and resistance and...

Anyway, so I deactivated my FB account, trying to create space in my mind, and to maybe return my blog (that probably no one is reading anymore anyway), where I can be sort of alone with my thoughts. We'll see.