Getting Started Again...

 Trying to write a post after you haven't written anything for over 3 months seems a little daunting. I don't even know where to start. Life certainly has gotten interesting in the last little while (which is code for 'crazy'). To sum up things in short, until I have time to fill in the details, Emilia is an adorable bean pole (very long and superskinny) who screamed a lot the first two months or so of her life, making everything a little crazier than it was before. I didn't think a third child would put me over the edge of my parenting skills, but I've felt pushed very close quite a few times since her birth. Trying to stay calm when everyone seems to scream/cry at the same time, or needing food/help/a diaper change/attention/sleep at the same time, is, eh, a little tricky. I've struggled. And there have been many evenings already where I am just desperately waiting for Henry to come home and take over. I hate to admit it.

I used to be the mother who was in charge, and who loved being a mom. Well, I still love it, but I now see why some people stop having kids. Or why some women start going to work. Or put their kids in public schools. And so forth. It's tough. It's tough being at home sweeping the kitchen 10 times a day, and going in cycles of feed/change diaper/put down for naps/clean up/play or read with kids/run errands/feed/change diapers/clean up/run errands/feed...oh, and I forgot changing clothes all the time as well.

Just a little bit ago I was thinking how with Sophia we gave her a bath every other day. When she woke up, I'd put her in a cute outfit for the day. At night, I'd put on a clean pajama. Now, with Emilia, I feel good when I give her a bath once a week (if it's that often...I think my average has been less than that), when I change her out of her pajama AT ALL during the day, and when I still brush the kids teeth twice a day. Things have changed. And for me, someone who likes to get stuff ready/done without much frenzy, I'm not sure I'm loving this part so much right now. But for the most part, as long as they're not all having a melt-down at the same time, it's still all good.

Now that Emilia has gotten happier, things are certainly more enjoyable. She's actually supersmiley, which is very cute, and even though she's such a skinny baby, she has little dimples. Her weight has been a bit of a concern to me. At some point she had not gained any weight at all in weeks. Overall, she still gains very slowly, but she's been growing like a weed (6 inches in 15 weeks). She's also been a great sleeper from the get-go, and even though the crying was hard to deal with, I'm grateful that she slept so well, giving me the breaks I needed to not go completely crazy. Alba still absolutely loves taking care of her sister. The other day we let her feed her a bottle (we supplement a little these days trying to get more food into her, since my breast milk doesn't seem to fill her up), and she was being so careful and also so happy to take care of her sister that way. It's been interesting seeing Alba loving Emilia so intensely. She's otherwise not someone to warm up to people easily.

Anyway, so...Emilia cried a lot and now smiles a lot. Alba is loving on her sister, and is madly in love with Baby Signing Time. She signs like a mad woman when you ask her. It's cute. When she's not begging for candy or watching Baby Signing time, she's likely dancing, or trying to play with Sophia. Sophia is having a blast in preschool. She's also started writing, and has done a pretty good job in the last little while trying to sound out things and write them down. She started doing that completely on her own, which has really impressed me. She's continued to be the sweet and loving person that she is, giving others gifts, making cookies and cup cakes for random people who had birthdays or are fire fighters and so forth.

I've started working out again, and pretty rigorously. I'm the fattest these days, I've ever been in my life, and have tried to shed some weight. Unfortunately, my body has not given up as much as a pound since I started working out again (a month ago). So frustrating. Urgh.

In addition to taking care of my physical health, I decided this year to see a therapist. When I saw her for the first time a month or so ago, she did an assessment, and had to laugh that it went so fast. We concluded that I'm not mentally ill (which, of course, I already knew). I simply wanted to work through issues that have bothered me and hampered my happiness for years now, and that I thought would be great to work through with someone experienced. It's been nice so far. I really enjoy being able to talk to someone about whatever plagues me, and they have to listen. HAHA! It's also nice to have an unbiased sounding board. Everyone should do therapy.

Henry is busy with trying to run the practice. So far, things have held up well. However, we did have our first negative month last month. Obviously, that made Henry a little restless and nervous, but it wasn't a large amount in the red, so I think so far it's not a big deal. We had a nice Christmas party at his practice for his staff and family. They're all great employees, and we're lucky to have such good staff. Right now, he's trying to find coverage so he can fly to Germany with us in the summer and go on vacation somewhere out in Europe. We need a real family vacation sososo bad.

Life has been good as a family of 5, but it's been also a big change, and stressful for us, since we're still trying to find balance again. It just hasn't been as balanced, and I think Henry and I both don't do well with that.

Oh well.

What else was I going to talk about...Urm...eh...Christmas was nice. My sister and her husband visited, and it wasn't a bad visit. It was nice getting to know her husband a little better, and talking a little more again. We haven't talked much in the last year or so. But I also noticed that I just feel we are very different and there isn't much of a connection for me. And at first, I really had to take a breather and not get annoyed with their interference with the kids. I cannot stand it when I feel others are parenting my kids, even when I know it's just coming from a desire to be helpful. Urgh. If I'm right there, let me tell my kids what they can or cannot do.

Ok, I'm getting tired. I don't even know what I want to write about. I want to write about Church. No, not  our ward, who haven't done anything crazy recently. I want to write about my faith and my toughts, about wearing pants to Church, about the things I think a lot about. I want to write about not being sure whether we should stay here in Burney, and wanting to move to Redding. I want to write about being unsure whether I should sign Sophia up for school this year or not, and what my options really are. And how scared I am to have so much debt. And that I want to go back to school one day, but I'm deathly terrified. Life. I want to write about life again, but I feel like I'm just tired, and I've got nothing to say or tell, and only diapers to change and kids to feed. I'm just glad I'm feeding the cutest, most adorable, loving and cuddly kids in the world. I sure love them to death...

The other night, Sophia crawled into bed with us, on Henry's side, and whispered in his ear:" Dad, let's play a game while we're sleeping." Henry asked her:" What's the game?" Sophia says:" It's called 'waking up first'." Silence. "You wake up two at a time." When Henry finally got up, Sophia said:" We're the winners!"

I love how she thinks. I love Alba's wild hair and will. I love Emilia's constant smiles that light up her whole face. I love Henry's endless patience. I love my family. But I'm ready for vacation.

Here are some pictures...random order.