I hate being fat. I hate it. It's that simple. I hate trying on clothes, and having fat roles stick out. Or having back fat. I hate having to readjust clothing all the time.
Before I got pregnant with Alba, I weighted 182lbs. I had worked hard after Sophia's birth to lose all my fat. I made it to 176lbs. My goal weight was 170lbs. Then I had the miscarriage, and ate 6 lbs or so back onto my bones. Anyway, so after I had Alba (like 2 weeks after!) I weighed 181 lbs. Yup, all my baby weight came of within 2 weeks. So, I decided then that I'd use that year to finally reach my goal, and make it to 170 lbs, or at least below 175 lbs. I trained for a marathon, thinking all that running and exercising would certainly help me with my weight loss goal.
After the marathon (in October 2011) I went on a diet, when I still hadn't lost the weight I was looking for. In fact, I had gained 4 lbs. The diet did nothing. Now it's February, almost a year later. I just bought a scale yesterday, and wasn't happy with the truth staring back at me. 192 lbs. Urgh.
I'm so frustrated. It seems to take so much for me to lose weight. We really try to live healthy. I usually don't buy crappy snacks, sugary foods, etc. I've been working out almost daily. And yet, I've gained another 7 lbs in the last 2-3 months. And it's really depressing. I hate looking in the mirror. Even worse, I hate to accidentally look at Henry's facebook page, just to have all his gorgeous, SKINNY!, ex-girlfriends stare at me.
No wonder Henry had issues with my weight/looks before we married. He could have had much hotter women...
Sometimes, (or rather often) I just really really hate my body. I wish I could be beautiful and skinny. And still eat crepes with nutella. But as it goes, I'll just have to workworkwork hard for it. Therefore, starting today, I'll do my Jillian work-outs TWICE a day. And stop eating, except for water and veggies, and nuts or something. Lame, I know. But apparently, just moving, and not eating too much crap is not enough for my body. And being fat is not an option for me.
Sigh...
Saturday, February 18, 2012
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2 comments:
I think you feel a lot fatter than you actually are. It's hard to overcome those feelings but I wanted to encourage you. It's important that you feel good about yourself, and that your girls know it (because society is not going to help them in that area, so make sure you teach them right = the Lord looks at the heart, not at the outward appearance, we all look beautiful to our Creator anyway!).
This makes me sad. Be kind to yourself and to your body like you would to your own child! I know it's difficult, but your body doesn't deserve this hatred. Think of what your body has carried you through; think of what it means to your husband and children. Do not starve yourself and over-exercise. You will hurt yourself and the people who love you.
If you want to lose weight, do it in a slow, controlled way. You'll get better results anyway. I lost seventy pounds using livestrong.com. It's free and it helped me stay committed to my plan.
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