Black Hole

Henry said yesterday that it's time for another blog post. Seeing how he's the patriarch of the family, he must be right. Just kidding - on the patriarch stuff. Anyway, it IS time. I've just had all kinds of stuff on my mind, and I didn't really have time to sit down and verbalize it all on here.

Anyway, so Henry is done with school. And after 2 months of non-stop family visiting, the last of them finally left 1 week ago. After that Henry and I were in a frenzy to clean and organize the house, get all kinds of stuff done that has gotten neglected over the last few months/years, and then it happened. Saturday, it happened. We had all our errands taken care off. There was nothing specific that needed to be done. And both of us were at home. And had time. It was so shocking, I didn't really know what to do. And it's been so long that we just had a day to do whatever we wanted, I almost couldn't think of anything. It was like we only knew how to be on one certain track, and now that we were on another one, we tried to keep going on the old track. We finally figured out how to get all of ourselves into the car and go swimming.

Then Sunday came along, as it usually does right after Saturday. And I think on Sunday I just sank into this black hole of my new reality. We had another rather un-edifying Sunday (for me) with a really annoying talk on how the men are the leaders in all areas of life (the talk was supposed to be on how the YM program prepares the young men to be fathers, I think), and then a lesson on obedience in RS that included beautiful tidbits such as blind faith being necessary for gaining testimonies (I don't think so...since there is no such thing as blind faith, at least not by common definition of faith) or how Joseph Smith always obeyed God in all things (really? trying to take the gold plates for personal gain, and being chastised by Moroni for it, or giving away the 116 pages of the BoM after Heavenly Father said no to that request twice, don't count? Not to mention all the transgressions Joseph Smith himself only allures to...).

I came home and I just felt down, and empty. And really alone. I have been feeling rather isolated recently. All my good friends I made here in Columbus have moved away. The last of them just moved now after graduation. And now I feel like this awkward left-over, who should be moving on, but isn't yet. I got overwhelmed by suddenly having all this time again, and realizing that I don't really have any good friends here. I miss having book clubs, I miss having people to talk to. I miss having someone around who can actually bear just hearing some of my "oh-so-apostate-or-liberal" thoughts. Having those lessons/talks in Church somehow just consolidated that feeling of isolation. It's hard when I feel my social life depends on the people in Church, and I feel like I have nothing in common with those people. Urgh.

So, I started feeling all gloomy and depressed and alone. And unsure what the future will bring. We have to actually find employment now (or rather a practice to buy). And I have to figure out what to do with my husband now that I actually get to see him. And figure out stuff that doesn't cost, because we're really broke.

I think the house just feels empty, and my world has been a whirlwind of craziness in the last months, and now that it's all quiet again, I just don't know what to do.

I have resolved, however, to be more believing again, and to be more loving. While it's really hard for me right now to hear some of the things I regularly hear in Church and that I think are a bunch of BS, I realize that my ultimate goal is to be like my Savior. Being like Christ, to me is being loving and long-suffering. I decided my focus is on the wrong things. There is no need for me to enlighten others to the error of their ways/thinking (like I could never be wrong?). I realized it's ok to let others believe some of the things they believe, no matter how problematic or uninformed those beliefs seem to me. Maybe more specifically I realized, Church really isn't so much about actual truth being taught consistently (which would be GREAT!), but rather it's a place of learning for all of us. A whole bunch of very imperfect people coming together and trying to come unto Christ. And then I also realized what matters is who I am, and how I live. And I want to live like my Savior - lifting up those around me, serving where I can, learning to love and forgive, regardless of person. Everything else, what others believe and do, is rather irrelevant. If I am close to my Heavenly Father, and live my life guided by the Spirit, I'll know what to do, and I can guide my kids accordingly, and the right things will be clear - regardless of what happens at Church. In short, I realized I'm judging, and whether my judgments are spot on or not, I'm still judging. I've been commanded not to. So, I better quit!

All that. And I want Henry to find a source of steady income. Quickly. Because it makes me nervous to live on so little, and knowing we have to pay back our debts soon, and wanting to move and settle down somewhere real bad, and plan my future and stuff and not being able to because we're in limbo.

I still miss my friends though. Fran is a herd animal. I'm not meant to be alone with my kids and husband all day every day.

P.S. Did  I mention that I started training for a marathon? Yeah...