January 26

Wow, when I wrote yesterday, I didn't realize that it was 1 year ago that we had another crappy day.

It's funny (not really) how sometimes things repeat themselves. Last year, this time, I was pregnant. Last year this time, Henry was sweating and stressing like crazy in school, wondering/hoping that he'll pass his clinical part. And yesterday, we were basically in the same boat. With a few small differences. This time we weren't just coming back from the OB/Gyn with the news that we had lost our baby. Yesterday, while listening to Henry with sinking heart, I could feel our little baby kicking and moving around. Thank you Alba for choosing yesterday to move around a lot and let me know that you're still with us.

But, I remember last year so well still. Walking out of the office, numb, with tears, having to drop Henry off at school, and driving home alone with Sophia. Then having Henry call me later on to tell me that of all days, they had pulled him aside that day for a review of his remediation, and how he still was doing this and/or that wrong. I remember the feeling of hopelessness. Just wanting to curl up in a ball and fall apart on my bed. Hugging Sophia tightly because she was all I had to hold at that point. Wondering what would happen with Henry. Wondering what would happen to that little girl I was expecting.

So, yesterday was better. But we were back to that sinking feeling of wondering how things will go for Henry. Stressing and worrying, while having a little one in my belly. Feeling helpless, and upset at the injustice that seems to haunt my husband. That was similar. I think this time I'm a bit more upset about Henry's situation though. Last year, Henry really had to improve certain things. This time he was faulted for things that were either ridiculous and unimportant or simply not fair (and we could prove some of it, but at the risk of it working against Henry for "speaking up"). I hate how unfair life can be sometimes. But, sometimes it's also unfair in our favor. I guess I better count my blessings.

Today, therefore, I'm happy to have Sophia with us. To have Alba move around a lot in my belly reassuring me that she is ok (usually I barely feel her). To have Henry working so hard. To be healthy. To have a roof over my head, food, clothing. To have family and friends, who've prayed endlessly on our behalf last year, and who I'm sure are pouring out their faith in prayer again for us now. I'm grateful for snow. For clouds. For warmth and cold. For blankets to cuddle up in with Sophia to read books. For chocolate. For giggles, songs, and hugs that I get every day. For the knowledge that things will be ok, no matter how they turn out. I think things will be ok. I really wish we could fastforward 5 weeks and just be done with both being pregnant and Henry having to endure the VA. But, I guess at least it's only 5 weeks. And I'm feeling great pregnancy-wise. Just eager to have that little girl in my arms. Maybe I just need to write this down, to reassure myself that it'll be ok, that Henry will most likely be there for Alba's birth, that he most likely will pass, that all will be well in the end. I just hate not having control over things.