I felt like I should stop talking about what occupies my mind most, since I figured everyone is sick and tired of reading my depressing, sad posts. And that's probably true. But, since this is MY blog, where I write whatever I want, why hold back. If I can't say what I want on here, where can I say it? Right????
So, as it goes I'm really down. I'm totally losing all hope on having more kids. Yeahyeah, I know - you all probably think it's too premature, and all will be fine, and yadayadayada. While I understand that people want to cheer me up and be encouraging, it's become really frustrating to me. Mainly, because I feel like there is no one else on the planet who seems to understand my fears and anxiety.
For example, I read (don't do this by the way if you've been trying to get pregnant without success so far) that 60 % of infertility is actually secondary infertility (meaning not being able to get pregnant again or carrying a child to term after you've had 1 or more kids). So, thinking that if you've been able to get pregnant once, it'll just work out in the future, is really a myth. Also, I read that it's recommended to consult an infertility specialist if you're 35 or over and haven't conceived after six months. Before that, they recommend waiting 1 year. Well, we're on month 5 now (and I just know I didn't get pregnant this month either...). And I'm 32 (and a half). Is it really so unreasonable for me to get really edgy and panicky considering that a) it didn't take as long to get pregnant with either baby, b) I'm definitely getting close to that 35-year mark, c) that I had a D & C which comes with the risk of scaring (which causes infertility) and that the doctor actually said there was a lot more tissue than she anticipated (though she didn't say that she needed to scrape a lot more than she thought...), and d) that fertility overall simply doesn't improve with age. I mean, really? Am I the only one who thinks it's hard to lose your baby, and then not get pregnant month after month?
Sure, I understand that there are worse things in life. Something horrible could happen and Henry and Sophia could both die on me. Or stuff like that. Yup, worse things are out there. But, potentially not having any more kids is still not on top of my list of happy things. And while I'm all jibbery and afraid, and simply sad because we wanted a little baby with us, and in just 2 months we would have been able to greet one into our home again, I also feel totally alone in my anxiety and sadness, because it feels like no one can relate.
Yesterday I got in a big fight with Henry when I shared all my fears with him, and he said we're still within the normal range for now (as in we still have at least one month before we even qualify for what is considered infertility for 35-year olds). I was so upset that even my own husband would just feed me those optimistic lame cheer-ups. It's like waiting for test results - you may have cancer or not, and everyone tells you to not worry until you KNOW you have cancer. Like it's that easy. Like everyone else wouldn't worry when there is potentially really bad news on the horizon. Grrrrrrr....
Now, don't get me wrong. I appreciate all of you who've been trying to support me through this, and who try to cheer me up etc. I know it's all well-meant, and that you all care. But, it doesn't seem to erase the pain, and the fear, and the worry I feel. Sometimes, unfortunately it makes it worse, because I wonder if I'm all alone in all the emotions I go through. :( And it doesn't help to see basically my whole ward pregnant. It doesn't help to have a friend, whose baby is due about the same day as our baby would have been. It doesn't help to hear about other people who had miscarriages and then got pregnant within weeks after. It doesn't help to have a family member give birth to a little baby girl and give her almost the same name we would have given our baby (that we felt sure would have been a girl). Actually, that one really hurts still. I almost feel like our baby just accidentely went to the wrong family member. Ridiculous, I know. But, sometimes you think crazy things when you're sad and hopeless.
And there it is. I know you didn't want to read this pathetic sad post. But while I felt still pretty optimistic in May, right now I've lost my optimism and hope. I am scared. I feel alone. And I feel totally sad. I just can't see the happy ending right now. Isn't there someone who can relate to this??? I just need someone who can relate...
Our little Family
A gal from Germany, a guy from California, another BYU love story, 1 bunny named Killer, 2 little girls, 3 degrees, 4 bikes, books in every corner, drawings on the wall, music and dancing, vegetable garden on the balcony, chocolate and prosciutto, pitched tents in the living rooms, cloth diapers in the bathroom, laundry piles in the bedroom, unvaccumed stair way, unironed clothes, lots of hugs, a bunch of tears, some heart ache, some fights, some disappointments, much joy, lots of traveling, nightmares and night cuddles, trips to the ER - swearing included, diarrhea disasters in public bathrooms, marathons, bike rides, prayers, faith, hope and hopefully some charity. Happiness.
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11 comments:
I definately can't relate, but I think there are people out there who can. I suspect most of them hold their feelings inside, though.
My parents got pregnant with my sister on their honeymoon. Then they were pregnant 6 more times. Over a span of nearly 12 years. Starting when my mom was 29. One baby even lived a couple of weeks before she died. And as soon as they gave up all hope, even on adoptions (they were told they were too old to adopt-my mom was 41 when I came along), I came along.
I sat in the hospital for months last year with my teenage nephew and watched him straddle the line between life and death on more than one occasion. Legally being a temporary parent and having a child are two separate things, I'm sure. It's not the same as watching my child who I personally bore suffer, I'm sure. But that was bad enough, especially calling my sister to tell her about it, that I know I don't ever want to go through what you're going through.
I can tell when my mother tells people about the children that she lost that it hurts. Those 12 years had more than their fair share of heartache. I know my father wasn't as supportive as most would hope because he was deeply hurt, too. Last summer the question arose at dinner one evening if I wanted to visit my sister's grave before I moved to Germany. I could tell that both of my parents still had scars from that experience and all of the other children that didn't join our family in mortality. But nothing was said. Nor has much of anything ever been said. My sister is a bit more open about the sadness at the loss of her sister, but when it comes to her son who is still straddling the line between life and death, she's a lot quieter.
So...the point of all of that was not to make things better. It'd be great it if did, but sometimes there really isn't anything that is helpful at all, no matter how hard someone tries. I just wanted to let you know that at least from my point of view, everyone who goes through that feels alone and like no one can relate and many just keep it in. I admire you for letting it out. Maybe someone else will be comforted by knowing that you understand at least to some degree how they feel.
You're in my prayers.
Thanks Annie! That felt good. I think I just need to let my anguish out, and I need it to stand there as a valid feeling.
I'm sorry to hear of your parents. I cannot even fathom going through that considering how I feel about just a small part of that now. I guess that only goes to show that it could be worse indeed.
There were moments that I felt like all I'd ever have anymore were miscarriages. I got pregnant again more quickly than you have after my second miscarriage, but not within weeks. And I think only in hindsight do people think it was fast. When you're in the middle of trying to get pregnant it seems to take forever. For. e. ver.
If you'd like, my sister took a long time to get pregnant with her first, then took a long time to get pregnant again, then miscarried, and then took a long time to get pregnant with her second. I'm pretty sure she had lots of those same feelings. I can hook you up with her.
Lastly, I learned with my first miscarriage that we have to cut our husbands some slack when they don't understand. No matter how hard they try, they can't really understand us, because they are different, and even though the same thing is happening to them, it's from an entirely different angle. It sure is crummy that they don't though. I'm sorry.
Talyn, I think just talking to anyone who understands how hopeless it can seem at times when you're trying to get pregnant, anyone who remembers how eternally long each month can seem, etc. is someone who can relate. :) I think just hearing that there are others who know it's so hard to be patient and optimistic in the middle of 'this' is helpful. Not so helpful are those voices who try to remind me or suggest that it's not that long, or that probably all will be fine etc. (even though that is probably objectively true). It's just not how it feels. And I think anyone who's experienced a miscarriage will never go back to thinking that things will just, magically, be ok because you've learned how that bubble can just pop in an instant.
And, you're right - our husbands do experience this whole things differently. I'm sure Henry doesn't lay awake at night thinking about his 'rotten, old eggs', or wondering if things were different if he were 10 years younger etc. I'm sure he doesn't feel quite like a failure as I do - like this is my fault. And maybe, if only I'd have been hotter, sexier, whatever, then we'd have gotten married a few years earlier, and maybe I'd not be in this situation, or hearing some imaginary clock ticking in my head. Arghh....I think that's one of the things that gets to me the most. When people say stuff like I'm 23 or something. I wish I was. But I'm not. I'm in my 30s. It's not the same at all. :( Which doesn't mean it's hopeless, but at times it feels like that.
On another note, why is it that we're so happy to share all the happy things (getting pregnant, getting married, graduations, etc.) but the saddest moments of our lives are endured in quiet, lonely corners of our hearts - like that isn't when we need the love and support and company of people dear to us the most???? I think if I don't write down/express my sorrow, I'd drown in it. Just getting it out alleviates just a little of the pain.
waiting and hoping for something to happen over and over and being disappointed again and again... i think i can relate to that.
Fran, I can't relate. Nothing this hard has ever happened to me. I wish I could say something that would help you feel less alone. I just think you need to give yourself unconditional permission to hurt. You lost your baby. That isn't something you can just snap out of and cheerily go on your babymaking-way, pushing through the disappointments with your chin up. All your feelings are normal and you are allowed to feel them. Let them play out and try not to worry about how you "should" feel or how others think you should feel. You have enough to deal with right now.
The girls in my family have a history of having long periods of infertility and not being able to have children after the age of 34. So when I was sad after I had been trying a few months absolutely sure that I would never have children or that it would take years and years before I was able. I was already building an adoption fund when my sister (who had her first child 4 years after trying) told me to go to the doctor and lie saying I had been trying a year. She seemed to think that I was justified considering the family history. I didn't end up having to do this, but I'm not entirely against the idea. Especially when you're over 30 and want a bigger family. Just be sure you're aware of the risks involved with the fertility meds. I think you're great and love all your blog posts!
I wish there was something or someone who could just erase all your pain.
I can TOTALLY realate! My two children are 4.9 years apart! And was NOT for lack of trying ;) We starting trying to concieve when #1 was 9 months old. So it took up 4 solid years of trying! And we even did about 11 rounds of clomid to no avail.
We starting trying when # 2 was only 6 weeks old (blush) since I knew it was going to take us a while. I had a miscarriage almost a year ago and we still are not pregnant again. Again, not for lack of effort.
We are both healthy and fertile, it just isnt happening.
I WILL happen for you. It will NOT happen for you on your time frame, and you will be mad, hurt, let down and disgusted at times (lots of times!) but you will get through this. Hugs to you!
Rachel, nice idea, I just don't know that that would work for me. :) I don't think I can hide the fact that I just had a miscarriage and a D and C. At least, I don't think it would be wise to hide those things. And really, it's probably not wise to lie about a medical history to begin with. But, I definitely won't be sitting around waiting for a long time. I'm totally planning on visiting my doctor if I'm still not pregnant in July, to discuss the best route for me.
BJ, wow...I don't even know what to say. I know when I hear some of the stories of others, I know I'm just being whiny and impatient. But I guess it's all relative. Wave to me at church. I need to people to focus on in Church, so I don't get overwhelmed and sad every Sunday with all the preggos. We could be the 'infertile buddies' or something, though this probably isn't much of something that we'd want to bring us together...
Waiting for something you really really want... and not getting it... I can relate. Sorry Fran. Don't be embarrassed about your anxieties. They are your's. And so is this BLOG. So do share.
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