My thoughts are mixed. First of all, I feel sure that however it all works out, this child is not lost to us for good. Either there is/was a spirit that will join us later, or in the next life, or something. So, that's comforting to me. On the other hand it really is confusing to not feel sure what status that little body has in the eternal scheme of things. I keep thinking that when a heart starts beating, a spirit is also entering a body. And because this fetus, despite its size, is already a living thing with a spirit, it probably hurts so much emotionally when you have a miscarriage. I just can't imagine that something would hurt so deeply when there isn't already a deep, meaningful connection - the connection of life. Also, why would the Church be so deeply opposed to abortion, when first trimester babies don't have spirits? Just because we don't actually know when the spirit enters the body? Or because we shouldn't deny life to develop/start? Wouldn't such a thought process make birth control wrong? Tricky, isn't it? And yet, despite the Church's views on abortion, and family, they've got nothing to say about early miscarried fetuses. Which leaves me to try and find answers on my own.
Will that little girl I felt so strongly about still join us? Or was this it? I wish I could know. I wish I could have pondered this in peace at the temple yesterday. It was so nice. Henry and I did a sealing session, and then went into the Celestial room. We had it all to ourselves, which was great for bawling, sobbing me. Then a temple worker came in. I guess, they always have to have someone in the room, which is fine. But, instead of hiding in some corner, the lady had to sit right by us, where she not only had full view of us (or me and my red eyes), but could also hear pretty well whatever we talked about. And quite frankly, I could tell she was watching us/listening in. It was really frustrating, since I don't really want someone to prey on my sorrows and ponderings. I think I got so distracted by that lady that it was hard for me to think and listen to the spirit. But then again, I don't think this is a question that will easily be answered.
It just may be a mystery that will not be revealed to me for a while. I just wish I knew. At any rate, I've been feeling better, and crying less. However, I can tell that I'm lacking motivation. Sophia has definitely been watching more Baby Signing Time than ever, while I've been eating more crap than in a long time. I went to the gym on Thursday because I thought it'd be good for me. But I couldn't get myself to run, and just did 10-15 min. on the bike. Sitting on the couch doing nothing sounds so appealing. Sleeping for hours sounds even better. I hope I snap out of this soon, but feel that finding answers, and finding peace in regards to what's next (surgery or no, trying for another baby soon or not, where/who is little fetus baby etc.) are necessary for me to move on and be happy again. And I guess those things are hard to push.
Ok, enough therapeutic writing for tonight.
I've been showing Sophia how to use our camera. She's still struggling with holding the camera up, but she's actually taken two pictures by herself. Here's one of them.
She's also been climbing on everything recently. She likes to climb onto our armchairs and dance. And today, after I left her alone a few minutes in her booster chair (she loves buckling herself into that chair, and so often times she wants to sit in it for 30 min. or so just to buckle herself in and out), I found her sitting on the table, pouring water everywhere. She repeated that stunt again later on, except by getting on the chair by herself to then get onto the table by herself. Great.
However, she also graced me with the sweetest little concert today. She sat on the piano bench, playing the piano and singing at the same time. It was so sweet I almost cried. So, next time I'll try and grab the camera and try to capture it to allow all of you to almost cry with me.
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6 comments:
Fran, I don't see why a bond so strong would not be honored. Love overcomes everything, right?
When asked how many children she has, my mother says "eleven", even though she gave birth to ten living babies. She counted the eleventh as hers because of personal feeling and experience about it. There is no right or wrong belief, only personal conviction.
I wish I had an answer.. but I don't. I do think that we don't know much about the spirit world and that it operates on a completely different sphere than we are used to on earth. Jesus appeared/spoke in the New World a day or so before he was born in the Old World, if I remember right. So does that mean his spirit was not with the body of the baby at the time? Who knows. I think it just illustrates that things operate differently up there, as I've said. In general, I am sure that you didn't lose that baby forever, be it in her spirit entering the next baby, or being reunited with you later. It might also be different in different cases. I had a friend who this happened to, who prayed a lot, and she clearly felt that the spirit came back to the baby that she got pregnant with 4 months later. But is that a universal truth? I don't think so. As Marie-Magdaleine said, I suppose it's all a matter of personal conviction.
I do know that in the end, it'll all make sense, although that is of little comfort now.
Hope you feel better soon!
Fran
I was just reading your blog posts from the last few days and have a few thoughts for whatever they are worth. I found out at a 11 weeks that my first pregnancy was a miscarriage. I had an ultrasound at 8 weeks that verified a pregnancy yet the ultrasound at 11 weeks showed a fetus that looked to be about 6 weeks. I had probably lost it right around 9 weeks but like your body it didn't recognize it until a few weeks later. I ended up literally delivering it a few days later. That's a whole other tale in itself. One thing that my doctor said to me is that our bodies try to weed out anything that isn't healthy. He said that my body was just doing it's job. They were the cold hard facts but that's what they were. It wasn't easy and for months after I hated going to baby showers or doing anything baby related. I am now on my fourth pregnancy and I still to this day look at kids who who were born the same year and month and think, "that's how old that baby would be". THe only thing that actually made me feel better was that same weekend it happened, I got asked to speak on how trials strengthen us. It was the best thing that ever happen to me because I had to look out of myself wallowing. This isn't going to be easy for you and I feel for you. My prayers are with you.
I have loved reading all of these comments. And I appreciate that you're allowing yourself to grieve openly. I know that if I ever miscarry (and I probably will...as statistics show), I can come back to this for comfort.
I like Isa's thoughts about possibly the spirit having the opportunity to enter one of your future fetuses. We sure don't know much about when life is considered real and valid (which is why I chose not to get an IUD...because research hasn't proved whether it restricts a sperm from entering an egg or if it just doesn't allow a fertilized egg to attach to the uterine wall). Your thoughts and concerns are valid. And I'm sure the Lord will give you the guidance and answers you need to get through this.
I'm also sure that baby girl Patterson will come. Whether she's the next baby you have...or she comes after having 5 boys (bad time to joke?)...if you have felt that she will be a part of your life, she will be.
Ugh, I've wanted to comment for a while now but I've had some issues with OpenID. Anyway, I wish you could find the answers you're looking for. I think the Church is silent on this issue not because miscarriage isn't a big deal, but because it just hasn't been revealed. Maybe the answers will be revealed to you personally sooner than you think.
As always, I love you, Fran, and I pray for you every day.
Quite the budding young artist you've got there!
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