"...Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not."
I've always really liked this scripture, but right now I feel this is so hard. The year hasn't been off to the best start. Last year, at the end of Henry's quarter, he got put on remediation for clinic. Basically what that means is he has to repeat his clinic part of the quarter - the one where he sees patients and does what he plans to do as a doctor. That's not such a bad thing in itself, except that this is the hands-on part, the 'real' part if you like, of his optometry education. The deal with the remediation is that if he doesn't pass remediation in a satisfactory way this quarter, he'll 'fail' the class, which usually means probation, and not being allowed to continue on to the next quarter. He'd probably have to repeat the clinical part again, and if he'd fail it a second time, he can (and probably would) be dismissed from Optometry school. To me, those are pretty freaky prospects.
Henry has been working so hard in the last 3 years on becoming an optometrist. I know he really cares about his field of choice, and is so eager to excel at what is his choice profession. And yet, right now he seems to struggle. It probably isn't as bad as I am afraid it is, but it's unnerving, mainly because even if he passes his remediation this time, he HAS to become better, because clinic will be a part of his quarter from now on till he's done. It won't go away, and with that the chance of failing will stay. It's not like a class that if only you can pass it once, at least it's over and gone for good. Nope. It'll stay there, to be conquered.
Henry and I have tried to come up with a battle plan to make sure he gets up to par quickly. We realize that one key factor is to just get lots of practice. The hard part is to find people to practice on, and to find the time. His schedule is soooo packed this quarter and then he's got his board exams to prepare for at the end of this quarter on top of it all. It's pretty overwhelming, and today I was just falling apart. I couldn't quit crying in Church, wondering what the future will bring...an optometry practice and income, or $80,000 debt with no degree? I feel horrible for even wondering, like I'm doubting Henry's abilities. But, I know that despite his brilliance, and hard work, sometimes things don't work out, and we face obstacles that we can't overcome. I asked for help in Relief Society today, hoping to find a bunch of people who're willing to sit for Henry. However, only one sister came up to me, and I got so distraught all over again. It's such simple service. I've offered to pay gas and the meter, and to watch kids so people can come out. It would only take an hour max. It doesn't cost anything except peoples time (which I realize is valuable). It just filled me with more despair because I don't know where else to find people for Henry to practice on.
So, now I sit here. And I feel like I should have faith. We prayed over the choice to pursue optometry. It felt like the right thing. I know Henry would be a great doctor, and this is a profession he'd really love. I keep thinking deep down inside that probably everything will be fine. But, then I also think, it will not unless we work hard at it together.
Why is it so hard to 'be still' and know that God is there, to have faith, to not despair?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
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Maybe people just forgot and then were in a rush at the end of RS because we got out late. The word will get around. I wish I had some profound words of encouragement. I'll leave you with the words of my mother, which she always says. "It'll be okay." Heavenly Father is watching out for you.
Thanks Heidi. I'm sure you can relate, and I'm so grateful for your help!!!! :( I've been feeling so overwhelmed, and I'm not even the one who has to perform. I just want to help Henry so badly to get the practice he needs, and today everything just felt 100 percent real and hopeless, and I kept praying that something would happen to encourage us/me...I guess, I was hoping for hundreds of people to jump up and volunteer their time (like no one else has a life or worries besides us). It was hard to stay positive when I felt there was no one available to help. I hate asking for help, and I hate bugging people about it. I know there is so much need in the ward already and people are giving so much of their time already that I hate to add to it. At the same time, right now I just don't see how Henry will get better without practicing. But you're probably right. Things will work out. People will be found. Ideas will come.
It's just hard to see those things sometimes.
Wow, I've been in a little bit of a similar circumstance. When Anthony was in school to become a full fledged firefighter (after being a volunteer for 6 years) he got to a certain class that just changed his direction permanently. You see he had to navigate through real fires with a "blackout mask" which means he couldn't rely on his vision at all. He said suddenly with a wife and child at home he couldn't overcome the panic and claustrophobia and the inherent danger of that choice of career path. It became paralyzing. He couldn't even go to class anymore and for quite a while he tried to keep it from me because he didn't want to freak me out. Trying to figure it all out on his own was killing him and driving a huge wedge between us. I had no idea what was going on but I knew it was something big. Eventually he had to confide in me and tell me that "plans had changed" he was no longer able to become a firefighter and the last several years of school were all for not. So then what were we supposted to do? Well that was 14 years ago and I am happy to say that everything turned out just fine. I still can't say exactly why we had to go through that exact experience. Maybe it was to learn to rely on God, or to bear each others burdens, or just to be strengthened in the face of adversity, or to come togther as a couple and counsel together instead of trying to face things alone. Anyways my point is just that "Heavenly Father is in charge and sometimes it is our job to just struggle through what ever comes our way". Take comfort in knowing that He will not give you more than you can handle. And people all over the world are loving and praying for you guys. You'll make it. And best of all you guys are in it together.
So sorry to hear you're feeling hopeless. I wish there was something I could do for you (J and I would volunteer IMMEDIATELY if we were there.... sounds like fun!)
But I'm confident everything will turn out fine. Even if school doesn't work out (which I don't believe), it'll all be good in the end. Really.
Much love to you and Henry!
Thanks guys...I try to talk myself into that even if the worst happens, it'll be ok. I just don't like the prospect of HUUUUUGE debt with no degree. I didn't like the prospect of the huge debt WITH the degree, but without it, it seems overwhelming and scary. But supposedly panhandlers make good money, so I'm sure there's hope no matter what. (Haha, I think I'm so funny).
I do think this is just a trial we have to overcome, but I guess if it's a trial, that also means it just won't be easy on us, right?
P.S. Isa, isn't it time you guys came and visited????
Well Fran I can certainly sympathize with how Henry must be feeling right now. I went through a very long (we're talking nearly two years) dry period in the lab during graduate school when I produced no data at all. I was seriously questioning what I had done by enrolling in graduate school and trying to become a research scientist. Then, things suddenly changed. One thing I learned during graduate school and in preparing for my thesis defense is that God expects us to work really, really hard sometimes before He will intervene. It will feel hopeless and it will feel like everything is about to crash in even though we're working super hard to prevent that. And then, miraculously, God steps in handles things for us. When I was preparing for my thesis defense I was more nervous than I thought humanly possible. I was working and writing and studying harder than ever before. I was praying for relief from the anxiety and no help came. Then approximately 24 hours before the defense nearly all traces of nerves disappeared and I excelled in my defense. I learned alot about the nature of God during that experience and I have to admit, although difficult, his way is perfect and does more for our progression than if he came to you today and made an immediate escape from your trial.
As unfortunate as it seems, there is some irrevocable law decreed in heaven that says progress in mortality requires us to pass through really difficult periods of time relying on God even when it seems that God is not working on our behalf. I know that, in fact, he is working on our behalf because I've seen it so recently in my own life. You'll get through this and on the other side you will understand God's nature better, you'll understand the atonement alot better, and you'll have massively increased faith and testimony of God's power and of his reality.
Thanks Troy! I should make sure Henry reads this, so he remember he's not a loser just because he's having a hard time right now.
It's funny though to think how much sometimes we may struggle, while other people look at us and feel completely calm and sure about us. I know how Sarah kept saying you were so nervous about your defense and all. And I kept thinking 'really? he's like one of the smartest people I've met in a while. Why on earth would he worry????'. I'm learning a lot already. I swear my prayers have increased about hundredfold in sincerity, length and frequency...
Last Sunday, I had to give a talk on D&C 88:63. Draw near unto me, and I will draw near unto you, seek me diligently and ye shall find me, ask and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you.
Saturday night, I didn't know how I was going to be able to give the talk without breaking down and crying. I keep doing what I should be doing, but things have been so hard.
Saturday night, I was looking through our bills and saw a huge one that looked like it hadn't been paid. I also read the "denied" letter from Medicaid--I had applied for health insurance for our kids but was denied...which I thought was ironic because we probably qualify for Food Stamps right now. I thought of the major expenses we're racking up in our personal accounts as well as our business accounts in order to get Rob's business started. I thought of the $1000 deductible that we just paid to get our van back. And I thought about how the bank, that is supposed to be financing Rob's practice, hasn't given us a cent to reimburse us for the $$$ we've put into the business, nor have they given a cent to the people who we owe money to who have done services for the business, due to some "issues" that are taking weeks to resolve. As I put Evelynn down that night, I tried to sing to her like I always do, but I just cried. I tried to dry my tears, but the boys knew I was having a hard time.
We have felt the assurances that everything will work out for us financially and we will be okay. But it sure is hard to believe it when all the "facts" show otherwise.
Then I decided to check the "bill pay" and our bank account. Luckily (or blessedly), we received a large return from Missouri for our personal property taxes for the sale of our house. Luckily, that other huge bill had already been paid. Still no money from the bank. But that small reassurance--that we'll be able to make it through this month--helped me to remember the answers to prayers we have received in our past. It gave me the peace that I needed so I could give my talk the next day. While I was giving my talk, it was like I was praying that the things I was saying were true for me, too. Like when I said "God answers our prayers," I more testifying of how He's answered prayers in our past and I was hoping/praying that He would answer our current prayers.
(I had to split my comment because it was too long...I figured you wouldn't mind!)
;)
Here is a part of my talk that was more of a prayer than a testimony...and as I was finishing my talk on Sunday morning, I was touched with the truth of it and it has given me a lot of peace and strength:
Sometimes it’s hard to believe in these promises because we feel like our prayers are not being answered. Or sometimes, we receive an answer to our prayers and a confirmation that things will eventually better, but things are not getting better...they’re getting worse! Why should we keep having faith in His promises?
President Uchdorf also says what I feel but cannot express. Once again, it’s in the article in January’s Ensign.
If ever you are tempted to become discouraged or to lose faith, remember those faithful Saints who remained true in Kirtland. Hold on a little longer. You can do this! You are part of a special generation. You were prepared and preserved to live at this important time in the existence of our beautiful planet earth. You have a celestial pedigree and therefore have all the necessary talents to make your life an eternal success story.
The Lord has blessed you with a testimony of the truth. You have felt His influence and witnessed His power. And if you continue to seek Him, He will continue to grant you sacred experiences. With these and other spiritual gifts, you will be able not only to change your own life for the better but also to bless your homes, wards or branches, communities, cities, states, and nations with your goodness.
It may be hard to see that at times, but hold on a little longer, for “eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him” and wait for Him (1 Corinthians 2:9; see also D&C 76:10; 133:45).
We'll keep praying for you. Life is hard right now. I do have faith that we're (and you are, too) going through these things because God is molding us into who He wants us to become. And that's not easy. Even though I believe that to be true, it's still hard to go through the trials. It still sucks.
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