Alright, no need to comment on my last post. It was just for me to vent my frustrations. Over the night (does anyone else lay in bed for hours thinking about stuff, or is it just me?), I thought more about this whole 'food issue' with Sophia, how I got there, what's going on and why it frustrates me so immensely (because it does).
I realized various things that stress me in this and seeing them hopefully helps me change my attitudes. I'm writing all this down for myself, to sort out my thoughts, and readjust my thinking where needed.
One thing I realize is that it's just hard for me to feel sure that my child is getting enough nutrition in general, when I see almost any other child eat far more, being chubbier, and on top Sophia not nursing a whole lot. I keep getting nervous that she'll just fall of the charts, and stop growing. I realize this is probably not a very rational fear or concern, but somehow I'm always worried about her not being chubby enough and growing enough.
The next friction point comes from my goal of wanting to provide a habit of healthy eating for my children. I thought, before Sophia was born, if I can just teach my children to eat healthy, I'm giving them a gift for their whole life. Henry's family is pretty sickly (his parents have a lot of health problems, and I think some of his siblings, too, and if nothing else, Henry is always kind of sickly) and then there is always the whole overweight factor (in both our families), and I thought, if only I can help my children to just be used to healthy eating, and loving it, their health will be so much better, and they may never have to try and diet because they'll never get fat.
Of course, I can't really influence how this will pan out and what choices my kids will make in the future. I can't keep them away from unhealthy and sugary things all their lives (and I'm not necessarily planning to). But, I think it frustrates me that only a few months into this I already seem to be utterly unable to get my child eat things that are healthy and good for her.
And then the greatest friction point of all of this, I think, is that I want so very badly to do something, or get my child to do something that I believe to be good for her. And already, I'm learning that Sophia, at 10 months old, has agency, and I can't really force her to do anything - even a good thing. She has a choice, and I have to live with her choices. I think it's incredibly hard for me right now to just let go, and let her make a choice that I'm not happy with. Yet, I don't really have a choice. All I can do is try and figure out if there is anything else I could try or do to alter her choices, but that's it - in the end, it's her choice to eat or not...wow. How does Heavenly Father do it? He must not be a control freak like me...
On top of it, I think, I get so frustrated because I feel like there is always a solution. There must be something I can do to get her to eat and not only eat, but eat her fruit and vegetables. But I can't find a solution right now, and so I feel completely powerless, which is a feeling I hate.
So, with all the goals I had for my children, and my fears of Sophia not going to grow, and feeling so powerless and unable to get 'my way', I think this has become a real friction point between me and Sophia, and just a huge frustration. Writing this up, I realize, I just need to relax, and maybe let go of some of the things I've clung to, and just go with the flow. Oh, yeah, I think the other thing is that I don't want to get her to eat by using some techniques that'll just be a problem later on. I don't want to encourage her to be even pickier, by trying 5 things at each meal, and only catering to whatever she'll eat. I want her to have choices, but I don't want to feed into picky eating...And then I think I get even more frustrated because I really don't know how to best approach the whole eating thing in general, and how to strike a balance between giving her enough choices, and letting her explore foods, while not becoming a slave to my child's fickle tastes buds...
Urghhhhhh....But writing this made me feel better. I think I can see clearer now, and hopefully I can adjust a few things, and relax more. It's just really hard for me...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
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16 comments:
Fran, you've learned the lesson: You can't make a child eat stuff she doesn't want to eat. In fact, I think that's where most people get their issues with food from: parents getting frustrated with children over food.
My advice:
Relax. Make food a fun experience for both of you. Studies show that children will have to taste a new food at least 10 times before they accept it (or not).
and really Fran. Sophia is 10 months old. I know it seems all unbelievable now, but Sophia is still a very small baby. she'll get around to eating food so fast, you'll long back for the old days when you could just give her breast milk.
anyway, kudos to you for trying so har.
But please, chillax. Sophia will eat when she is ready. And if you keep offering her a variety of healthy foods, she will be a good healthy eater one day.
well, I don't think I've learned my lesson. I think I've just begun learning the ultimate lesson of parenthood, and I'll probably continue to learn this for the next decades, and that is to be able to let go and let your child make choices (good or bad) after you've tried your best to teach them. To just let go is probably the hardest thing for most parents, because...you care.
And so, even with this first little struggle, it's hard for me. It may seem so easy from the outside and to say 'chillax'. But, I don't think it is that easy. It's weird to me that she'd eat one thing fine for a few times, then hate it. It's weird to me that things she liked start dropping of her list of 'foods I eat' so quickly. And, I don't even stress over new foods. Of course, I know that studies say children need to be exposed (on average) to a new food 10 times before they'll eat it (or not). I don't even worry about that stuff. I just really start worrying if she doesn't eat/drink enough to keep her bowels going. Getting her constipated regularly is no fun. It's particularly no fun when she gets sad and grumpy because of it, but she will not eat foods that help or drink more to fix it...so I end up having to give her a laxative. Am I supposed to just give her a baby laxative all the time? That can't be too healthy either.
So, to relax at times is easier said than done. It's hard to relax when you care about the other person so much. If it was always that easy, life would be a breeze, and we'd all die young because we've learned probably one of the main lessons of mortality.
However, I do agree with you. Stressing over this clearly accomplishes nothing (at least it hasn't yet for me). And, I'm also sure that a lot of peoples eating behaviors comes from their parents issue with how/what/when/how much they eat. I definitely do not want to go down that path. But, I also don't want Sophia constipated all the time, and I don't want her waking up more than usual in the night, just because she's hungry and didn't want to eat more during the day...Patience, selflessness, letting go...those are probably the things to be learned here.
If this is easy for you, I'm jealous.
I don't know if this will cheer you up or not, but I realized a while ago that parents have significantly less influence over their children's behavior than they would like to believe. If you have a kid that's a good eater, you pat yourself on the back for teaching them how to eat healthy. If your baby sleeps through the night at an early age, you congratulate yourself for instilling healthy sleep habits. If your three-year-old can read, you give yourself kudos for starting him down the path of lifelong learning.
But when you have a child that just won't eat or sleep (that was Sofia's problem) or read, no matter how many books you've read or how many clever tricks you have up your sleeve, you start to understand that some kids just come that way and it really has nothing to do with your parenting skills or lack thereof. You just have to keep trying and telling yourself that it won't always be like this. And if you're really scared that Sophia might suffer permanent damage because of her current eating habits, get your doctor more involved. Don't feel like you have to cope with this all by yourself.
I totally agree Julie, I mean, I agree with the part how parents feel the good things are because of what they did or the bad things. I thought for a while that it's silly to claim that the good (as well as the bad) are pretty much a clear result of your own efforts. I do think we as parents have a lot of influence, but I don't think it's in the ways we think.
I agree that a lot of things with children happen, simply because they have their own personality, and...their own agency. And they may make choices, even at a young age, no matter what a parent does.
I've thought about this before when I thought about sleeping habits of babies. There are so many people feeling so sure that their kids sleep well because of something they've done. I think, you don't even know. Their efforts may or may not have had anything to do with how their kid sleeps. And sometimes all those 'fail-sure' solutions still fail with some.
Really, I think that's what I was trying to say with my last post - our influence is limited. We can't make our kids to good things. We can provide the environment for growth, good choices, happiness, health. But, whether they accept and integrate those things is still completely up to them. And it will depend on each child's temperament and personality how those things will pan out. And, since it all comes back to agency, even at such an early age as our kiddos, it really seems silly to take credit when things go right, or to blame yourself excessively when things go wrong.
I wish everyone were as wise as Julie! I get frustrated when we praise God and then condemn the mother because a child has free will.
You are all so smart. I love it.
When I had my fourth child I realized that I was just along for the ride. I still stressed out just as much but, for their sake, the stress was spread among many.
I love that our children are so awesome and so challenging. They require all we've got to give and more than we knew we had. I have seen amazing miracles because I was desperate to give goodness to them. Now, as a grandma, I just watch them develop into their amazing selves. How happy we must make our own Heavenly Father as we become all we can be for the love of another. You do so well, Fran. Truly, it is not an exact science, working with people.
Someone told me that apple juice, thinned in half with water, was helpful in preventing constipation. The ancient remedy was prune juice or prunes.
And maybe you should pretend not to be so concerned about what she is eating but stealthily offer her good stuff that she discovers behind a book all by herself. Like a bottle of juice or a jar of raisins.
I don't know what the current medical philosophy is, but we were told in my day that some kids go poop only once in three days whereas some go three times in one day. They said that wet diapers were the more important health indicator.
Thanks Ruth. Well, my pediatrician said she ought to poop every day...at least with the amounts of food she's eating (so the doctor). I think I'm getting better now at just relaxing. I think I hit a wall, and now I just kind of don't care. I've started off with putting food on her plate on the high chair, and then I go do dishes while she eats. I can still see her, but I'm not sitting in front of her stressing. It helps me, and probably her.
They also recommend diluted juice and prunes. I don't think that has changed. My doctor just recommended increasing her liquid intake. Ok. But how do I do that if she doesn't want to nurse more than usual and doesn't want to drink what I offer in a cup? So, hence the stress...
But, she's pooped fairly regularly in the last few days, and I'm sure if I ease up things will get better. If I have to give some milk of magnesia every so often, so be it.
What I find so amazing is how hard you're trying. Seriously, you're probably driving yourself crazy but it's crazy-because-I-love-my-kid-so-much crazy and more parents need to be like that.
I sometimes think I have control and then something happens that I can't control, like Seth's tantrums. You've seen them. They're awful. Ian eats like a bird and always has. Chase suddenly hates when I leave him with a sitter. Each struggle is differnt and helps me learn how to deal with my other kids. Think of the wealth of knowledge Sophia is giving you for all those other little Pattersons.
You'll get through it and so will she. One day :)
I didn't know about the constipation issue. We went to all sorts of doctors because of it and nobody really ever found out what was the problem. In the end , I noticed that if I don't give her any dairy products, she is much better. she eats better, and she poops better.
Maybe try that???
I might give that a try and see what happens. Although, right now she isn't really getting any dairy other than some plain yogurt at night...can a little bit of yogurt have that much impact?
I'm glad to hear that you're relaxing more.
Good luck with everything. We've tried not to raise picky eaters, but they are. A friend invites us over for lunch and makes mac and cheese--a kid favorite, right? Well, my kids weren't eating it...because it's not the same kind I make. Give me a break! Oh, well.
It's also amazing how soon they begin to exercise their agency and let us know that we can't control everything in their lives...
I don't know, to be honest. :) But with Fé, any amount of dairy, and she'll be constipated.
Btw, you giver her milk protein through your breast milk, too, so if YOU eat dairy, that has an effect on her, too.
My doctor told me to just try and go without dairy myself for 2 weeks and see if it helps. And it really really did.
Of course, this isn't a one-fit-all solution, but you seem desperate enough, so I suggest you give it a try. You never know. If it doesn't have an effect, then at least you've tried.
On the other hand, is Sophia doesn't eat much, how do you know she even has constipation..? Breast milk is almost completely absorbed in a baby's body, so not much waste is created. A fully breast fed baby for example can go without pooping for 2 weeks, and it's still normal. Just FYI.
I know she is constipated when what she poops out every other day or so is a hard little pellet. That's a classic sign of constipation. It's not like that all the time, but fairly often. I think I'll try the 'no dairy' for a little and see if it makes a difference. That'll be hard though as I think we're in the weening stages. I'll just have to see what I can give her to drink instead of milk. I'm not a fan of soy milk (supposedly not that healthy!!). :)
Just a suggestion, if you need to give up dairy for awhile the nut milks are a great substitute and really easy to make at home. (I don't do soy either) Almond is my favorite. Just take a cup of almonds and soak in water overnight. In the morning, drain, rinse, put in blender with about 3-4 cups of water and blend for a few minutes. Drain through a fine mesh strainer or some muslin. When I use it in smoothies I don't even strain it at all. Add some vanilla and a pinch of sweetener if you'd like. Its yum and very creamy. Coconut milk is great for certain uses as well as hazelnut, sesame, sunflower, and cashew milks made almost the same way. Even if you still use dairy like I do they are a good way to get those healthy fats from seeds and nuts into a young child that might have a hard time chewing them otherwise.
What about rice milk or almond milk?
I recommend reading the book, "The Influencer". Very good suggestions. I picked it up for improving my business skills but realized that it also helped my thinking as a parent. (I don't know how credible a source I am though because I'm also really enjoying 90210's Tori Spelling's "Story Telling".) :)
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