I had a discussion come up the other day on day care. Many of you may already know that I have very strong feelings on this issue ever since my own horrible days working at a day care. Well, I thought I'd sum up why I believe day care to be a bad idea for children, and in essence a selfish choice from parents. I should start off saying that I'm fully aware that at times life doesn't go as planned, and day care may be the only option you're left with, or that some people would be such poor parents that day care is a better choice for a child than being with the parent. Also, I'm not too familiar with how day care works in Europe. I've seen and heard a few things, and it seems that it's probably a little better, but I think some of the reasons why I find day care worrisome here, would probably apply to Europe as well. So, basically I realize that there are some exceptions, but I think even with the exceptions (where parents HAVE to work, or children are better off with someone else), day care is still not in the interest of a child, and most likely better options could be found. I also recognize that once children are older, day care may be a really enjoyable thing for them. While I personally still don't think that it's the best idea to have a child 2 years or older in someone else's care all day, I think once children are old enough to communicate, and follow simple instructions, day care can be a fun part of their life. But I will now try to list my reasons why I think day care is such a badbadbad idea
The first few years of a child are the most formative, and what they learn and take with them in those early days can shape the rest of their life.
Because these early years are so crucial, children need structure, stability, and someone who truly cares about them to teach them effectively and well.
Day cares have an extremely high turn-over, and teachers constantly change. Thus, most children are robbed of one of the most important things: stability and structure.
Because day care is a business, usually the interests of the children are compromised for the sake of profit. Even in quality day cares, such as the US No. 1 Day Care franchise "The Goddard School", quality rules are more of a show and not truly a daily routine.
No one can truly give quality care to children with the child care ratios that exist. Even in quality day cares where ratios are lower, you can have 4 infants on your own, or 6 toddlers. It's impossible to really care and interact with a child when you have so many on your own, and all you get around to is change diapers, feed the children, and then start the whole thing all over again.
Day cares claim to do a lot of things that do not really take place. All schools have fancy curriculums and lesson plans. But those rarely are implemented because it's impossible to do all those things and then change and feed so many kids on your own all the time. Even when you send home a daily sheet with the parents, it means nothing, as teachers often times fill those out based on pre-written lesson plans. It doesn't mean those things actually happened!!!
Day care teachers, loving and kind as they may be, do NOT have the love and patience for your child that you as a parent may have. They just don't. If they have to decide between keeping a room semi-functional, or giving your child individual, loving attention, it'll be the room being functional and not your child.
Because of the need for room structure, individual needs of children usually get ignored. If your child needs more naps, tough luck. If your child needs help to settle down for a nap, tough luck. If your child is a slow eater-tough luck...
Most day cares don't provide a lot of variety. Basically, by choosing day care for your child, you choose for your child to grow up in one building, until school starts. The outside play areas are often small, with little green, and little variety in toys and activities, and outside play time is restricted. And if the weather is bad, you may not go outside at all. What a wonderful life to grow up in the same old room with the same old stuff. That's what childhood is all about, right?
Ok, I find my list is not necessarily organized in a logical manner. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that as long as day care is a business, and run the way it is in the States, children suffer. They don't get the attention and care they need, nor are they taught and instructed as they should. Why? Because it's not possible to take GOOD care of 4-6 babies on your own, or 6-8 toddlers on your own. It's plain and simple impossible, and a lot of faking takes places in day cares, pretending that all is well, when really only the very bare necessities are met. On top of that, you have lot of monotony and lack of variety when a child is in day care full time. But most of all the children are not provided with stability and structure. Actually, they are not really provided with anything important. Again, I understand that sometimes our choices are very limited, but I feel that the unselfish thing is first of all not to have children unless you truly want them (and thus not to have sex unless you're ready to have a child). And if you truly want a child, why would you not want to take care of your child yourself? I understand sometimes it's impossible, but my experience has been that there were few in the "I don't have another choice" boat, and very many in the "I prefer having my career over taking care of my child" boat. I've met way too many parents, who expected the impossible from the day care teachers, but wouldn't even read their children's daily activity sheet, or assist in any way with the things the teachers are trying to teach their children. Most of them wouldn't even do the smallest things such as bringing appropriate lunches, or simply picking their child up when sick. Some even got mad, when they got called about their child being sick. So, with the acknowledgment of the exception, I think most parents these days simply try to buy their way out of their responsibility to be good parents to their children. They expect day care teachers, and later on school teachers to raise their children. Teachers are usually wonderful, dedicated beings, but they cannot and shouldn't be responsible for raising children. That's what a parent is supposed to do, and most parents too willingly shirk that responsibility, and hand their kids over to institutions that are in no way adequately prepared to raise and teach young children.
I believe we need good teachers, and I believe it's possible to have a good day care, but I don't believe that any place for a child is more ideal than a loving, stable, home with nurturing parents, who take it upon themselves to raise their kids and prepare them for the world. No one else can do as well, because no one else has the commitment and interest in a child's success that a parent ought to have. The only problem these days is that it seems parents care less and less, and it's left to others to figure out how to save our next generation from emotional, mental, social and moral decay. I feel confident that a lot of the problems we face regarding children's and teenagers behaviors are directly related to the efforts parents put into raising children these days...
I completely agree with you. It has long been a pet peeve of mine that people feel the need to have children, but then have no interest in actually raising them. From all my studies in family science and psychology I ABSOLUTELY feel that so many of the problems in modern society stem from the lack of a parent or even parents in the home.
I'm always amazed at even smaller things related to teaching your children. I was absolutely shocked to talk to some other mothers last year when Alia was in Kindergarten. They were complaining that the kids who were ahead in reading it was because the parents had taught them at home instead of letting the kids learn in school. They said this like it was a bad thing. Reading is absolutely one of the most important skills that any person on this earth learns. I'll be danged if there is any way that I will leave that up to someone else to do. That is MY responsibility, MY gift. I'm not going to be so lazy that I refuse to teach and give that gift to my child that will change her life forever. There are things like that all over the place where parents just take the easy way out and presume that someone else will eventually teach their kids what they need to know. And guess what - it's not happening. We need to take responsibility for teaching our children the necessary and important things, because those things get left by the wayside outside the home. No one else is going to teach your child morals and virtue, that's the responsibility of parents.
Over the years I've had people comment to me, "Oh, it's so nice that you can stay home" and they say this as if the opportunity was just right there for me and it's not for them. It makes me angry because I CHOSE to stay home because I felt it was more important than anything and worth any sacrifice no matter how big. In the world's eyes, it has been stupid for me to stay home all through medical school and residency, building up tons of debt in student loans (and ironically we could have received all kinds of "free money" to pay for day care). It wasn't an opportunity that was handed to me. It was a personal choice to be unselfish and to put more value on my children than on having money and recognition. Like you, I've known only a very few people who absolutely had to work instead of raising their children. I think for a lot more people, if there was a will, there would be a way.
How's that for a rant? Sorry. This is definitely something I've spent much time pondering since every second of the last 7 years of my life (and the rest of it) has been affected by this conviction that I should be at home teaching and raising my children instead of leaving that to someone else. It's absolutely a sacred responsibility and one that I've committed not to neglect.
It is good to read you Fran, Deanna, and all the others who will come. I guess I'm quite naive and always thought most parents really didn't have a choice (single parents), but now, I realize a lot of married women could not work. I understand their need for accomplishment and getting out of the house. I need to confess that I've had moments when I felt anger towards motherhood and the social "sacrifices" I have to make. I would love to still be studying and doing art...I don't think I would like to work though. I've been there and have never found a work as flexible and diverse as being at home. I like reading all the things you have found to be necessary for children to have, because sometimes, as a mother, I feel so unnecessary and insignificant. I feel I'm the dumb one (being a foreigner and having no real job qualification) and my husband is the smart one ( the ER doc). I'm lucky to have a wonderful husband who reminds me that there is no career competition between husband and wife, and that most women feel they should work because they see other women do so, and don't want to feel less. The spirit of competition, the wrong issue of self-esteem, and the realization that children are much more difficult to care for than pets, are, I think, related to your post. Without the knowledge of God's plan for the family, and without my capable and good spouse, I would maybe be part of the people who drop their kids at daycare. So I'm grateful for both of your comments that remind me of all the good things my children can receive because of our choice.
Well, I understand how you feel Marie. I think choosing to be a stay-at-home mom is not an easy thing. It's also not an easy task to be a good mother. I dare say, it's the hardest thing out there, and totally undervalued and underestimated by society. We may be doing the right thing, but that doesn't necessarily make it easy. As much as I love being with Sophia, and as much as I believe this is the most important thing I can do, sometimes it's hard, and sometimes it's quite boring. :)
Also, I think it's important to remember that our desires for further education, and other pursuits like hobbies, and even work aren't necessarily bad. I think those things are good and important. But, I think the moment we welcome a little baby into the world, those things have to take on a lesser role (or no role) until those important years with our children have passed...(in my opinion).
In general I agree, Fran. And yet, I know of many situations in which daycare is the "next best" choice. I know many women who were so tired and resentful of motherhood that they chose to give their children away for a few hours a day. And if that makes them happier and healthier and more able to love their children again, then so be it. I'm not saying it's perfect, but I do think it's better than leaving your family 10 years from now because you can't take it any more.
There are also many types of daycare. You can have a relative watch your child. Or you can put them in a little group instead of a kindergarten-type setting. Jonni went to daycare when he was a child and he is seriously the only normal person in his family. :)
In general I agree. You shouldn't put your child into day care just so you can earn more money and buy a bigger house. But every woman knows best what she can take. Of course, putting your child will lead to consequences that a mother will have to deal with. I prefer to stay home with Fé for now. But I don't judge women who choose otherwise for good reasons.
well, as I mentioned Isabell, at times day care may be the better choice (like when a mom would just end up leaving her family, or become bitter and maybe even abusive because she can't take it). But I feel, as you mentioned, that when the need arises to hand over the care to someone other than yourself, you should avoid official day cares as much as you can. I think relatives are great alternatives, or friends, or even tiny little in-home day care settings. Basically, I think anything is better than a day care that's a business, where strangers take care of your child, and have large groups. Whenever you have that setting, you just have really poor quality child care. :)
Anyway, I agree that everyone has different limits, but I still think there are very few legitimate good reasons (for me) that would excuse handing the care of your child over to someone else. But, as with all things, you won't necessarily end up a mess just because you went to day care, or because you weren't breast fed, or...you get the idea...
A gal from Germany, a guy from California, another BYU love story, 1 bunny named Killer, 2 little girls, 3 degrees, 4 bikes, books in every corner, drawings on the wall, music and dancing, vegetable garden on the balcony, chocolate and prosciutto, pitched tents in the living rooms, cloth diapers in the bathroom, laundry piles in the bedroom, unvaccumed stair way, unironed clothes, lots of hugs, a bunch of tears, some heart ache, some fights, some disappointments, much joy, lots of traveling, nightmares and night cuddles, trips to the ER - swearing included, diarrhea disasters in public bathrooms, marathons, bike rides, prayers, faith, hope and hopefully some charity. Happiness.
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I completely agree with you. It has long been a pet peeve of mine that people feel the need to have children, but then have no interest in actually raising them. From all my studies in family science and psychology I ABSOLUTELY feel that so many of the problems in modern society stem from the lack of a parent or even parents in the home.
I'm always amazed at even smaller things related to teaching your children. I was absolutely shocked to talk to some other mothers last year when Alia was in Kindergarten. They were complaining that the kids who were ahead in reading it was because the parents had taught them at home instead of letting the kids learn in school. They said this like it was a bad thing. Reading is absolutely one of the most important skills that any person on this earth learns. I'll be danged if there is any way that I will leave that up to someone else to do. That is MY responsibility, MY gift. I'm not going to be so lazy that I refuse to teach and give that gift to my child that will change her life forever. There are things like that all over the place where parents just take the easy way out and presume that someone else will eventually teach their kids what they need to know. And guess what - it's not happening. We need to take responsibility for teaching our children the necessary and important things, because those things get left by the wayside outside the home. No one else is going to teach your child morals and virtue, that's the responsibility of parents.
Over the years I've had people comment to me, "Oh, it's so nice that you can stay home" and they say this as if the opportunity was just right there for me and it's not for them. It makes me angry because I CHOSE to stay home because I felt it was more important than anything and worth any sacrifice no matter how big. In the world's eyes, it has been stupid for me to stay home all through medical school and residency, building up tons of debt in student loans (and ironically we could have received all kinds of "free money" to pay for day care). It wasn't an opportunity that was handed to me. It was a personal choice to be unselfish and to put more value on my children than on having money and recognition. Like you, I've known only a very few people who absolutely had to work instead of raising their children. I think for a lot more people, if there was a will, there would be a way.
How's that for a rant? Sorry. This is definitely something I've spent much time pondering since every second of the last 7 years of my life (and the rest of it) has been affected by this conviction that I should be at home teaching and raising my children instead of leaving that to someone else. It's absolutely a sacred responsibility and one that I've committed not to neglect.
It is good to read you Fran, Deanna, and all the others who will come. I guess I'm quite naive and always thought most parents really didn't have a choice (single parents), but now, I realize a lot of married women could not work. I understand their need for accomplishment and getting out of the house. I need to confess that I've had moments when I felt anger towards motherhood and the social "sacrifices" I have to make. I would love to still be studying and doing art...I don't think I would like to work though. I've been there and have never found a work as flexible and diverse as being at home. I like reading all the things you have found to be necessary for children to have, because sometimes, as a mother, I feel so unnecessary and insignificant. I feel I'm the dumb one (being a foreigner and having no real job qualification) and my husband is the smart one ( the ER doc). I'm lucky to have a wonderful husband who reminds me that there is no career competition between husband and wife, and that most women feel they should work because they see other women do so, and don't want to feel less. The spirit of competition, the wrong issue of self-esteem, and the realization that children are much more difficult to care for than pets, are, I think, related to your post. Without the knowledge of God's plan for the family, and without my capable and good spouse, I would maybe be part of the people who drop their kids at daycare. So I'm grateful for both of your comments that remind me of all the good things my children can receive because of our choice.
Well, I understand how you feel Marie. I think choosing to be a stay-at-home mom is not an easy thing. It's also not an easy task to be a good mother. I dare say, it's the hardest thing out there, and totally undervalued and underestimated by society. We may be doing the right thing, but that doesn't necessarily make it easy. As much as I love being with Sophia, and as much as I believe this is the most important thing I can do, sometimes it's hard, and sometimes it's quite boring. :)
Also, I think it's important to remember that our desires for further education, and other pursuits like hobbies, and even work aren't necessarily bad. I think those things are good and important. But, I think the moment we welcome a little baby into the world, those things have to take on a lesser role (or no role) until those important years with our children have passed...(in my opinion).
In general I agree, Fran. And yet, I know of many situations in which daycare is the "next best" choice. I know many women who were so tired and resentful of motherhood that they chose to give their children away for a few hours a day. And if that makes them happier and healthier and more able to love their children again, then so be it. I'm not saying it's perfect, but I do think it's better than leaving your family 10 years from now because you can't take it any more.
There are also many types of daycare. You can have a relative watch your child. Or you can put them in a little group instead of a kindergarten-type setting. Jonni went to daycare when he was a child and he is seriously the only normal person in his family. :)
In general I agree. You shouldn't put your child into day care just so you can earn more money and buy a bigger house. But every woman knows best what she can take. Of course, putting your child will lead to consequences that a mother will have to deal with. I prefer to stay home with Fé for now. But I don't judge women who choose otherwise for good reasons.
well, as I mentioned Isabell, at times day care may be the better choice (like when a mom would just end up leaving her family, or become bitter and maybe even abusive because she can't take it). But I feel, as you mentioned, that when the need arises to hand over the care to someone other than yourself, you should avoid official day cares as much as you can. I think relatives are great alternatives, or friends, or even tiny little in-home day care settings. Basically, I think anything is better than a day care that's a business, where strangers take care of your child, and have large groups. Whenever you have that setting, you just have really poor quality child care. :)
Anyway, I agree that everyone has different limits, but I still think there are very few legitimate good reasons (for me) that would excuse handing the care of your child over to someone else. But, as with all things, you won't necessarily end up a mess just because you went to day care, or because you weren't breast fed, or...you get the idea...
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