Where is home? Random musings...

Of course, home is where the heart is, but is it really that simple? I realized yesterday how lost I feel at times living in the USA, but being a citizen of another nation. I never would have thought that nationality can or is so deep-rooted, but since I have gotten married I have noticed how it has brought up certain issues.

I think the hardest thing for me has been to feel like I am losing or have to lose who I am. I remember feeling a certain loss of identity when I took on a new last name, parted with my old name, and had to go through the immigration process. I felt so humiliated by it at times because the treatment wasn't always the nicest. It felt full of suspicions, and an attitude that said "you better kiss our feet for letting you stay in our country". Don't get me wrong...I'm not ungrateful to be here, but when you come from a rich nation where you DID have a good life, and all the freedoms we wish for many other countries, and then you get treated like some low-life, and you LOSE certain freedoms, that is harsh. I've compared it to someone demanding you're grateful for an "outhouse" when before you had an indoors toilet that would flush. It can be done, but it's not that easy.

I'd like to list what I have lost:

-right to government assistance where warranted (scholarships, medicaid, whatever...)
-right to Social Security (ok, no one may get that...but I don't even have the right)
-right to travel/live outside the USA at my own discretion (if it's over 6 months I need permission)
-right to move unanounced (I have to report every new address I live at)

I guess, it doesn't look that bad, but it has been hard for me. Another problem is is this: I feel at home where I live. I feel at home in my community, with my neighbors and of course my husband. It's where I live, work, and serve. Yet, I feel that I can never really feel at home, because I don't enjoy the privileges of a "home". When I travel and come back to the USA the immigration officers are sure to make clear I am NOT home, but just a permanent visitor.

The other difficulty I discovered is that I feel that I cannot say certain things, or just be myself. Myself, of course, includes many very German elements because that's where I grew up, that is my heritage. Yet, often times in being me, I offend people who come from a different background. Over the years, I have tried to adjust to that, be more sensitive and watch my mouth. Still, I fall on my face quite frequently. The hardest moments are when I just want to talk about issues in this nation (which I am more aware of these days than issues in Germany, just because of where I live) I feel that if it's negative, then often times people get defensive because I'm not American. At least, I've heard it frequently that people thought I should just be "grateful" and shut up, and if I didn't like how things are I could just go home. Yeah...if only it were that simple. It's the mentality of "I can talk bad about my family, but if someone else does, I'll punch them". So, Americans can complain or mention negative things about the USA, but if I do, I'm just picking on the USA. I guess, I could word things different, and just never mention Germany or not say "Geeze, I wish we'd improve the public transportation system. It works really well in Germany/Europe". Those are the things I feel offend others and make them defensive. Yet, I think, any American could say that, just not an immigrant/visitor.

The funniest thing is that no one would get mad if I said "Geeze, I'm sure glad I live in the USA. The public transportation in Mexico stinks". If another country gets criticized that's ok. I think I still have a long ways to go with blending in better, but at the same time I have to admit I'm sooo tired of trying to overcome certain cultural things from Germany, just to fit in better in the USA. Sometimes, I just don't care anymore. I love Germany. I love the food. I love the public transportation system, and I sure as heck love our freeways!!!! I love the German frankness and honesty, and skepticism. I love how we love to debate, and analyze. I think it's great. I love our socialism. I love the USA, too. I love the positive and out-going people, I love the vastness of the country, the mountains, and the deserts. I love the possibilities available, and the attitude to work hard. I love the grass-roots organizations. I love NYC, and Cafe Rio, and the diversity you can find in many places (outside of Utah - hahahaha). I love the national parks, how accessible camping/hiking is, and I love how many people are religious. I LOVE that smoking is usually prohibited in most public places (I wish we'd have that in Germany). And yet, though I love both nations, and feel at home in both nations, I can't bring them together in one to truly feel at home.

Anyway, I feel like I'm rambling. I think what I'm trying to say is that I feel lost. I want to feel at home. I want to feel that I belong, and blend in. Yet, I feel unless I give up my heritage, and forget my up-bringing and what is dear to me, I'll always be the odd one out. I'll always be somewhat offensive, and I'll always feel somehow torn, wondering where my real home is, and when I can just be myself. Of course, it's with Henry, and our future family. But how can that be if what's theirs isn't really mine?