Wah, It's Already 2014

Time flies. And I feel like I get nothing accomplished. I'm sitting here, sick with, dunno, the flu or a cold. I just want to roll up in bed and pass out, but with Alba and Emilia home it's not that easy. We just got back from Germany on Sunday. On the flight back they watched movies for almost the entire (11.5 hours) flight. So, I'm not sure I want to turn on a movie again for a month or so.

So, I waste my time here. I wanted to reflect on the last year. I wanted to post pictures of my family. I wanted to ponder on all the things I feel I've failed at. How horrible of a mother I think I am right now. On how I'm not sure whether we should have more kids, whether I can handle more, but how I kind of would like one more. But not really. But I don't think I'm done. Urgh. Life.

I wanted to write about the things I want to change this year. What I want to do better. Focus on. Let go. The things I need to plan/do when visiting family so it's not as frustrating of an experience for me. I want to find balance. I want to make sense of my emotions and what's happening in my life, because I don't think I've been very happy recently.

I've had a panic attack (I think) in November. I think I've been dealing with depression. But I don't even know. I think I should see a therapist again, but I'm reluctant to pick up the phone. I want to pursue more education down the road, but I feel overwhelmed at the mere thought. I can't figure out the whole kid thing. I'm stressed with the kids I have. I'm angry a lot.

I hate who I am these days. I feel unsure of myself, unloved, and like a failure at everything I attempt. I want to rise above it, but feel unsure how to do it.

I've been thinking about feeling loved. My therapist I saw last year asked me what made me feel loved. And when I started to really think about it, I realized I don't even know. Sometimes I feel like there's nothing in the whole world that makes me feel truly loved. Then I thought I do feel love when my kids hug me. I feel true joy when they dance and sing and are happy and cute (and don't tear apart the house while being happy and cute). My kids bring me a lot of joy, and love. But also stress. STRESS. Emilia has been so hard for me to deal with. She can be the happiest, smarted, cutest baby. And I've really come to love her so deeply. But man, when she's hurting/tired/frustrated/angry, she's soso hard to deal with. She'll scream this high-pitched angry scream that is driving me crazy. She fights me tooth and nail when I try to give her medicine, because she's in pain. It's been so frustrating, and I've yelled at her in anger, said horrible things to her, more or less shoved her in her bed and stomped off to cool down, and often had the very real desire to inflict some real physical pain on her. I haven't - thank goodness. It's just been so...hard. I seem to have no patience for her tantrums and angry screams. Her screams have made complete strangers comment on it. She's barely 14 months old, and she'll hit me, too when she's upset.

Sigh. To think about how I've felt and treated her feels to depressing, dark and hopeless to me. I feel like the worst mother, even though I know that others have probably felt and done similarly in stressful and hard situations with their kids. Parenting is hard. Yet, I wanted to be better than this.

And then I feel like I take a lot of my anger out on Henry - the person who's been the kindest and most patient and loving with me in the whole wide world. Sometimes I'm amazed he hasn't left me yet. I criticize him a lot, and he's automatically always blamed for everything that goes wrong. Such horrible patterns of mine.

Deep sigh again. Life so isn't perfect.

Yet, we've had lots of fun and good times this last year. We've traveled tons. We've gone to Germany, Austria and Spain. We've visited Disneyland. We went to the Monterey Aquarium. We've spent lots of time exploring the Bay area. We went camping in Utah, and also near the Bay Area. We've gone to Oregon. We've been swimming tons and tons.

What does 2014 have in store for us? Can I change? Can I be a better mother and wife? Can I learn to love myself more? Can I come to a place of peace? Rekindle my friendships? Have a plan for the future? Reduce my fears? Reach out more? Serve more?

I feel so alone and so overwhelmed. But I want to change so badly.