A Short History of My Breasts

I wrote this a few weeks ago as a post for Feminist Mormon Housewives. I also wanted to post it here.

A Short History of My Breasts

The other day I saw a beautiful picture of a naked woman in the woods. Surprisingly enough, when I saw the picture, it brought tears to my eyes. Apparently seeing someone the way they are, still smiling, even though another person is present to see their nakedness, to feel so comfortable to share yourself in such a way, was deeply touching to me. And also filling me a bit with envy. Because I'd rather die than have anyone see me naked. It got me thinking about my own discomfort with my body, and a life-long dislike in particular of my breasts. So, let me share with you a short history of my breasts.

When I was 11 years old, I got in a car with a strange man. He took me to a near-by forest, where supposedly an injured foal was laying, needing (my expert) help. Obviously, there was no foal. And as the man was walking in front of me into the forest, I suddenly realized the danger I was in, and thought I would get murdered in this forest. But the man turned around, said this was not the right spot, and we got back in his car. While sitting in his car, I noticed his penis hanging out of his pants. I also knew I had to get away, and decided to jump out of the driving car.  Unhurt, I got up and was heading for a corn field, when the man made one more attempt to lure me in, asking me to "do him some favors". I just ran off.

This experience set an early tone for how I would view my body - an object, wanted or needed by others for their own purposes. Maybe a year after this traumatizing event, I went to the public pool in my little home town. I do not recall the exact events, but remember wearing a modest one-piece swimsuit, and that I was standing in line for the slide, when some boys, maybe 14 years old, commented on my breasts. Even though I cannot remember if the comments were positive or negative, I can still almost feel the blush on my cheeks, and the embarrassment I felt. There I was, with nowhere to hide, and my body had just become an object of public commentary, something to be noticed, talked about, critiqued, like the rest of me was not there.

Then, one day, after visiting a friend who was also a member of the Church, I came home with a bikini the mother of the family had given me to keep. I had never worn a bikini, but appreciated the gift. Yet, when my parents found out about the bikini, it was promptly taken away. I did not understand my parents actions then. I was unsure why the bikini was upsetting to them. Nonetheless, I did understand that wearing one was not ok, and I felt guilty for having wanted to wear it. I was thirteen.

As a teenager I started dressing in ways to hide the shape of my body, especially my ever-present, and ever-sticking-out breasts. When I was looking for a dress for a dance, I found a beautiful dress that was luckily not emphasizing my breasts more than I wanted, and that I felt looked beautiful on me. However, my parents strongly objected to my wearing this dress, since the sleeves were half-off the shoulders. I ended up wearing a borrowed, simple dress from a friend, that fit too snuggly around my chest. The evening was spent self-consciously folding my arms in front of my chest.

I kept hiding myself under unshapely clothes, in hopes that no one would notice my body, or especially my breasts. That no one would comment. Maybe I was succeeding when a boy I really liked at age 16 called me fat. But I couldn't help thinking that part of my "fatness" was just my large breasts that would stick out and make the large clothes fall like a tent around me.

At 18 I was looking into breast reduction surgery. At the first appointment to schedule the surgery, I had to stand topless in front of a doctor, who analyzed the shape of my breasts, drew lines on  them and took pictures of them. A normal medical procedure, I'm sure. Yet, I felt deeply ashamed, and humiliated, wondering what this man was thinking as he drew on me and looked at me. The final obstacle to my surgery was having to see a gynecologist who approved of the surgery. Again, I was being seen by a man. He was kind, and felt that I was pursuing the surgery merely out of desperation (I certainly was! I just wanted those evil breasts gone), and encouraged me to wait a little, give the idea more time, and that as a professional, he felt my breast size was completely normal. When I came home from this appointment (that effectively prevented me from having the surgery), I grabbed a pair of scissors and chopped off my hair. I hated my body. I hated who I was. I hated the face looking back at me from the mirror. And in that moment, I wanted every part of my body to look as ugly and horrible as I felt.

Shortly before my twentieth birthday, I got endowed. Again, I remember the discomfort of not wanting my breasts to be noticed, and yet not wanting to look fat in the tent-like temple dresses rented out to patrons. My garments also complicated life as they kept riding around under my bra. Sometimes they'd get "sucked in" and slipped below my chest. I had now entered a new stage of life, where I'd be adding constant adjustments to a body part I already tried to not draw any attention to. Even further, for one part of my temple ceremonies, I could not wear a bra, and I tried to hide the embarrassment of walking around with completely uncontained full breasts with a humble look at the floor. They did not seem like receptacles of pure and virtuous principles. Instead, they were weighing me down with fear, shame and self-hatred. They seemed to make others uncomfortable in one way or another, and no matter what I did, they were always there. Doing what breasts do, without asking my permission.

I carried on, covering up, trying to hide the breasts God gave me, often times hating him for having burdened me in such a way. Why would he give me something that was impossible to hide, yet seemed to only bring out the worst in others, something that seemed to take over everything else I was? I hated God sometimes. Hated him for obviously being a man, because a woman never would have given me these breasts. A woman would have understood.

Then I met my future husband. When he brought me to a family reunion to meet his family, I later found out how some of them joked that he must be dating me for my breasts. There they were again, those breasts. They seemed to be what people noticed first.  But I did not want my husband to notice them. I wanted him to see me, love me, talk to me. For a long time, I avoided any water activities, because I did not want my husband to see me in a swimsuit. I knew my breasts were being squished together into a big "monoboob" in a swimsuit, and looked so unattractive along with being so very visible, that I couldn't bear the thought of a man I liked seeing me like that.

When I had to start looking for wedding dresses, terror filled my heart - terror that no dress would accommodate my chest, or that they would not fit well, making my breasts ooze out, take front and center stage, and possibly, on top of it all make me look fat.  I cried quite a few tears as I tried on dress after  dress, trying to find one that worked with those hated breasts.

But there was a deeper-seated fear in my heart, beyond the fear of how I would look in a wedding dress. I was terrified of my husband seeing me naked. In my heart, I just knew he'd be disappointed. I knew I could not measure up to whatever he had hoped for. Even though society seemed to value large breasts, I knew that my breasts were ugly. And bad, because they made me feel so uncomfortable when others noticed them.  The weeks leading up to our wedding, I would often stand in the shower, and end up crying on the floor of the tub as I looked at and felt my naked body.

During our wedding night, my husband left my breasts alone. Those hated breasts. Then I cried and cried the next morning, while my husband got us some food. I had faithfully hid them away all those years, and tried to ignore the discomfort and embarrassment they brought into my life. But now, as much as I hated them, I still wanted someone to love them, or love me, despite everything those breasts seemed to entail. Luckily, it was just a misunderstanding, and my husband simply did not want to objectify me, or make me think he only cared about my breasts. Because that's what we care about in society - breasts.  And that's is all I thought I was, for better or worse, - a pair of breasts.

With marriage, eventually, came pregnancy, and the breast hiding continued. I was now constantly tugging at my bra, as my breasts gained in size, and didn't fit into my bras properly. They'd spill out on top, once again leaving me embarrassed as I tried to push the "double-boobs" back into a bra that refused to fit. No blanket seemed big enough to cover the space I needed covered when nursing. The first weeks of motherhood, I hid in my bed room, too ashamed to have anyone see me, even my own mother. To make nursing easier, I now also wore my garment tops  over my bra. Yet, an unpleasant side-effect was that my big breasts made pretty much any shirt a tight fit, and parts of my garments that I had covenanted to keep private were on constant display. I tried to remedy the situation by getting silk-screened tops, but the distribution center said they could not do that. Finally, during a flight my husband was trying to help me stay covered as I nursed our baby, and had to endure my anger when he accidentally bared some of my breasts for a second. No one should have to see my breasts.

But if it was not pregnancy or nursing, it was always something else. About a year after my first child was born, I ran my first half-marathon. My husband took a video clip of me as I passed the 10-mile marker. When I saw the clip, I immediately deleted it. Even though I looked proud and strong as I passed mile 10, my breasts were clearly swinging side to side, despite two sports bras I was wearing. The image horrified me, and overshadowed my accomplishments of a race well run with concerns of people having seen me with breasts bobbing all over the place.

Now my breasts just sag, almost down to my belly button (ok, maybe not quite), after having busted the buttons on many a shirt, moved garments up and down, exposed themselves by accident to various people, have been drawn on, felt and squished by various doctors and nurses, invited commentary, created inappropriate thoughts, fed 3 babies, pleased my husband, and met people before I did. My breasts  - two parts of me that seem to define me, control me, and dictate what the world notices about me.

When I saw the picture of that naked woman, I thought of my breasts. My body. And how I feel I've never owned myself. I wish that I could experience that paradisiacal moment Adam and Eve experienced in the Garden of Eden. To be naked,  to be without shame over my body, to push away the world that tries to own it, and see myself, the human God made, and know that this body I wear is "very good". "And I, God, saw everything that I had made, and, behold, all things which I had made were very ^agood;" (Moses 2:31).

Pictures and Circumcision

As promised, I should throw out one controversial thing here, right?

So, based on a news article about a circumcision ruling in Germany that tried to make circumcision illegal in one area, Henry and I ended up looking into circumcision again. When we tried to really read up on it more, we were shocked...

• shocked at circumcision is being done usually
• shocked at how much can go wrong
• shocked at how often stuff goes wrong
• shocked at how absolutely unnecessary it is
• shocked at why people do this when there is no need at all and no benefit

It's been an interesting thing to read up on again. I know I've brought this topic up here before. But now that I looked into it more, I just cannot comprehend why anyone is doing this. There is 0 medical need or benefit. Oftentimes, it's a rather painful (and LONG!!!) procedure for a newborn. Mistakes happen frequently, and can come with all kinds of negative side-effects to the child, and all that for...I don't even know what. The most often reason cited is so that "they look like dad", which is the strangest reason to me. I mean, we don't give kids the same clothes, or hair cuts like dad. If dad had gotten a tattoo would be put the same tattoo on the child? Probably not. It's all so weird to me, to put it nicely. But mostly it just made me really support Germany's stance. Parents should not be allowed to remove healthy body parts from their children without clear medical need. Henry feels even more strongly about this now. In fact, he was pretty, urm, *upset* to put it nicely, when we read up on it all. He feels robbed even...not that he's holding it against his parents, but he sure wishes they would have not made this choice.

So, anyone wanna pick up the circumcision debate again? :)

Alright, if not...how about some pictures and videos?

Why, how do YOU watch your movies????

Playing in our "lovely" backyard...

Alba's fat lip from her wasp sting...

A morning ritual. Alba always wants to have her blanket wrapped around her when she wakes up. And then she'll walk throught he house like that, E.T. style...

P.S.

I've been reading all these deeply disturbing books this week about sexual abuse in children and how to prevent it. Honestly, I think I almost need therapy after reading all those books. Heavy stuff to say the least. However, I do feel like I'm walking away with a lot more knowledge, ideas, etc. as to how I can effectively protect my children from such a horrible event. Once I'm finishing the last book I'm on right now, I was going to compile a list/sheet so I can remember and internalize all that I've learned (and not let all the horror and sleepless nights this material has brought me be in vain). And, I thought I should offer to share. If anyone is interested in having my compilation on what I learned from the books - things to look out for, stuff to teach, how to teach, and so forth, just let me know in a comment and I'll email you the list when I'm done with it. That may still be a few weeks away, since I think I really may need some sort of recovery period from this. But, at any rate, I thought I should offer to share. Also, if you have anything specific that you learned at some point in regards to prevention, please feel free to share, and I can include that. I figure the more knowledgeable we are as parents, and the more prepared, the better can we not only protect our children, but really any child out there.

The Sadness of Safety

Sometimes reality sucks. The other day, as I was out at the play ground with a friend, having our kids play, enjoying the sunshine and all, I was informed of a sex offender having moved into our apartment complex. Oh really? Nice to know I guess. America has this nifty thing called a "Sex Offender Registry", where you can look up (or sign-up to be notified) of sex offenders in any given neighborhood. You get all the nitty-gritty details - full name, picture, home address, their offense etc. So, after finding out about our new neighbor, I went home to find out what was going on. Well, looked like the fellow who moved into our complex is more on the harmless side of things, but I couldn't help noticing the 3 pages of sex offenders in our zip code aka broader neighborhood. I'm sure none of you will be too surprised if I tell you that all 28 of them were male. Maybe there will be some surprise to hear that most of them were white. Some looked shady like you'd imagine, some of them looked rather nice, like someone I just may trust.

The whole thing somehow really shook me up. Not that I didn't know of the dangers lurking out there for me, and my daughters (and I guess future sons). But it brought it all fresh to my mind, and has brought with it this deep rooted fear. How do I keep myself safe? How can I keep my daughters safe? Reading about Elizabeth Smart again in the news hasn't helped things. Apparently, in even some of the safest places in the US (Utah has a very low crime rate comparatively speaking), in one of Utah's finest neighborhoods, in a house with every window closed except one, and an alarm system, a girl was still snatched, straight out of her bed. From parents who probably prayed as faithfully as I do for the guidance of the spirit and protection from harm. How can I win? What can I do? I hate thinking about these things because oftentimes I just end up feeling so helpless and scared. Then I go into killer-mode, where I just get angry and really feel and think if anyone just as much as dares to threaten me, or even more so my children, I WILL KILL YOU. I think I want to tattoo that on my forehead - "Try to touch my kid and I'll kill you" or something like that.

But humor aside, how can one feel safe? For now I've done what I do best: gotten myself a bunch of books. I'm planning on reading up on how to teach my children effectively about stranger dangers, and the like. I also got a book called the "The Gift of Fear" dealing with how certain intuitions and signs we pick up subsonciously can not only warn us of danger, but also help us get out of dangerous situations. And then there are thoughts of buying guns in my head. Haha. Yeah, you just read that right! I don't think I would. It seems tempting to get a gun and feel safer, but I don't think that there is much safety in a gun, unless I get attacked/threatened in a situation where I have a loaded gun close at hand and the offender still at a safe enough distance to use my gun. Anyway, here I sit, trying to figure out what I can do to be safe. I guess being aware, prepared, and following the spirit will provide enough protection in most situations. Sometimes though I just want to cry...cry over the fact that it's so hard to just feel safe. Cry that I don't dare leaving my windows open at night. Cry over the fact that I can't just let my kid run free in front of our house. Cry over the fact that I can probably never feel 100 percent sure that my children aren't in some sort of danger. Cry over the fact that there are so many people out there who've just gotten into such a horrible place in their lives that they make innocent people lose sleep at night. Yeah. I really want to cry for all those men, for whom sex has become a thing destructive to them and others. How sad.

And with this sad reality of sexual crimes being probably the most prevalent crime against women and children, why are people surprised when I get so worked up over all things sexual? Well, I guess I don't get worked up over ALL things sexual, but really - shouldn't we be outraged over all the unnecessary pornography, all the unnecessary violence, anything really that desensitizes people, and therefore lowers inhibitions leading to more more incest, more rape, more molestation, more sexual assaults, more sexual addictions, more sexual dissatisfaction and with all of that usually more destruction of families?????? Seriously.

Safety. I'd love to have it. But right now, I'm just sad thinking of how it seems to be something rather elusive - an idea, utopia, heaven. Something we don't have. Something I want so badly for my kids.

Scary, really Scary...

I just read this article on NPR (posted on the APA website). It's about the social costs of pornography. I find that in itself very scary. But that's not what scared me the most. Read the article, and then read the comments on it at the bottom. Freaky. It's freaked me out for a long time that pornography is not only such a rampant problem in our society, but how vehemently we deny its negative influences in all kinds of situations. And, I'm not talking about turning prude, frigid, verklemmt, or anything. I'm all about openly discussing sexuality - in appropriate ways. I'm all about educating my kids, and having this be an open topic at any time. I don't think there is a need to make it taboo or secret or shameful. Clearly, such approaches have brought much harm themselves, and it's not how I would want to handle things. Instead, I'd like sexuality to be the beautiful, enriching experience it can be and should be. I'd like my kids to learn that and understand that. But that is almost impossible to teach or feel the way society is corrupting the views of sexuality today. And with how willingly we embrace what's being put out there. Reading those comments just reminded me how warped our perceptions already are. Talk about frustration...

Activism

I think I want to get more involved in pro-life movements. That's my recent conclusion. As I had to read up on D and C procedures, I came across way too much abortion stuff, and it really infuriated me. Now, don't get me wrong. I know there are good reasons at times for an abortion, and I don't seek to undermine that. I also am not a fan of millions of babies being born that were not wanted, and I think along with any anti-abortion involvement should come an equal involvement in preventing unwanted pregnancies. But, and here is my big but, there are too many inexcusable pregnancies, that are NOT the result of bad luck or rape or something, but simply the result of irresponsible sexual activity. And while it may be freaky to find yourself pregnant when you didn't want a baby, I don't think abortion should be the answer to irresponsible behavior. I think the most upsetting thing for me, while reading all that stuff is how easily these little fetuses are dismissed as 'valid lives'. It outrages me because I just lost a baby, and it's upsetting that there are people out there who want to declare this life I miss as invalid. Thanks guys. I'm so glad I have so many reproductive rights, even though you won't acknowledge the reality of my baby. Sweet.

Really, it's maddening to me. And it's maddening how many excuses we come up with to justify the common abortion. It irks me because I don't think that we would be ok with similar reasoning on other levels. For example, a lot of women choose abortions because they don't feel ready (financially/emotionally/time-wise) to take care of a baby. Ok. I can understand that. But, would that be a valid reason for eliminating life if we dealt with old parents? Or young children after our economic situation changed? I doubt it. Which means it all comes down to the definition of 'life'. So, here are my thoughts on 'life'. I think when there is a beating heart, and fairly distinguishable human features, you're dealing with a life. Some claim because a fetus can't live/survive on its own, it's not really a 'life'. Well, how many newborns can survive on their own? How many people on life-support can survive on their own? How many old people in rest homes can really survive on their own? There are lots of people who can't live/survive on their own. Yet, do we let everyone die who can't make it on their own? Why try to save someone who just had a horrible accident and needs serious medical intervention to live? Why help victims of natural disasters if they can't make it on their own? Hmmmm, maybe because, no matter what your religious or non-religious views are, there is this little part in our brains that tells us that the ethical thing to do is to sustain and protect life. And yet, with fetuses, instead of maybe trying to err on the side of caution, there is such a rampant willingness to ignore the possibility of life. All in the name of choice - like there wasn't a choice to be sexually active. Like there wasn't a choice to use contraceptives. Like there isn't a choice to give the child up for adoption. Like we're not robbing someone else of a choice by making our choice. Like there is no other option to deal with such a situation but abortion.

The poor logic of the 'pro-choice' movement drives me nuts. And I'm deeply upset to have my baby declared an invalid life, not worthy of protection. So, I think I'll get involved in something and try to promote some changes. I can't vote, but I can at least make my opinions heard. Here's to change!

Check out this link for starters. I really like the look of this movement.

Not for the Faint of Heart

I just finished watching Biggest Loser (one of my recent, rare TV addictions). It's interesting to me to see how much emotional baggage comes with all the physical baggage, and it reminded me of thoughts I had earlier on today while taking a shower (anyone else doing a lot of thinking in the shower?).

I had to think back on my little sob post a few posts ago, and how one person expressed having been affected by their past (in a negative way). Then I started thinking about what things may have affected me negatively to be so insecure in regards to my body (and often myself in general). Some of those things seemed pretty obvious. Clearly, that one time when going up in an elevator with a colleague from a job, and the colleague asked me whether anyone had told me before that I'm ugly, and me responding with a feeble 'not recently', and the guy saying 'well, you are' - sure, that probably didn't help. Or, one of my parents repeatedly telling me that no guy will ever like me because I'm too wild, probably also didn't help. But, I couldn't help and wonder whether these problems didn't start earlier than that (as in earlier than my wild teenage years though I was really quite docile).

This is what popped into my head.

One day, as a sweet little 11-year old girl, I was riding my bike to the stable where I was taking horse back riding lessons. When I arrived at the stable, there was a car parked in front of the entrance, and a man standing by the car. He stopped me and told me this story of a little foal alone in the forest, and that he needed someone to help him with rescuing that little foal. Well, which 11-year old girl wouldn't want to rescue a foal??? So, I hopped into the car of this complete stranger (with a turquois shirt and funky plaid pants and a mustache, mind you) to go rescue a foal. We got to the forest, and whaddayaknow...there was no foal. At that point, it dawned on me that I may have gotten myself into a really bad situation. The unknown man was walking in front of me, and since I couldn't see his hands, and finally started to get scared, I thought he may have a knife and kill me. He didn't. He just turned around at some point and said the foal must be somewhere else. Back in the car we went. While driving, I noticed that he had 'forgotten' to zip up his pants, and to stuff away what should be stuffed away. Oops. Gone were the days of my virgin eyes. Then something crazy happened. I felt that this wasn't a good situation and that I should get out of the car. So, I hopped out of the driving car. Hopped out and wasn't hurt. As I tried to run away, the guy only stopped once to see if I could do him 'any favors'. I told him that my parents don't want me to, and ran off into a high corn field. And that was that. Nothing happened luckily. I think that extra prayer I had uttered before I left that day for protection had certainly been answered. I walked all the way back to the stable. I had my lesson. I told my parents what happened when I got home. They called the police. The police took me back to the place the guy took me. They never found him. And end of story.

I always thought that this experience had little impact on me other than that I started taking Karate lessons after that, figured that I shouldn't get into cars with strangers and...well, that's it.

Today I thought that maybe this wasn't so. I've had a few guys tell me that I'm fat/ugly etc. But, I think one thing I've heard far more from guys than anything else is that they were/are scared of me. Scared of ME! Can you believe it??? It sure always surprised me, but I've heard it a lot. Guys thinking that I hate guys, that I scared them, intimidated them etc.
Today I wondered if my sweet innocent heart had been violated that day and has expressed itself in a sort of defensiveness and distrust towards males. Who knows. I don't think I'll ever know, and seeing how I'm pretty functional, I don't care to truly solve this puzzle. I just thought about this this morning and then I thought, how on earth can I protect my sweet little daughter.

We sure live in a scary world. There is lots of beauty around for sure. But there are nasty and scary things out there. How can I protect my child from freaky pedophiles, from cruel people, who say hurtful things, from people who will, without thinking, harm mind and/or body of children. How can I make sure my little girl can be innocent and trusting, and yet safe. Urghhhhh...It about kills me just to think about all the horrible things that could happen to my Sophia, and break her heart or mind or spirit...or all 3. How can I teach her to be careful, and wise, and yet, not live in fear? How can I prepare her, and not ruin her innocence?

I realize, that I can't always keep her safe, and that the best I can do is to be wise and prepared myself, and to follow the spirit closely. I also realize that if I want the best for my child, I need to be involved, alert and active at all times to teach her, to promote those things that will bring greater safety to our communities and fight those things that make things less safe. Basically, I need to 'watch and pray always'.

And with all this said and shared, seriously, if anyone gives me a hard time again for my super stern views on moral things (as in what I consider pornographic etc. or otherwise sexually immoral and destructive), well, I only have one thing left to say - ...Actually, I don't. I just do not, in the least bit, understand how anyone can feel comfortable with anything pornographic. Nothing good has EVER come of it. Maybe not all bad things have come of it, but certainly nothing good. Pretty much every rapist, every pedophile, and often anyone else who's sexually promiscuous or unfaithful or whatever, has meddled with pornography. And I'm not just talking hard-core stuff here. I'm talking about it starting of nice and simple with just, dunno, Victoria Secrets or whatever. And, no I'm not going to be some fanatic who thinks that someone who wears a Victoria Secrets bra is evil, or that anyone who looks at a Rodin sculpture is a porn fan etc. Nope. Not like that at all.

I think I just feel very keenly, and strongly that immoral things/thoughts/pictures/actions whatever can and will usually greatly devastate both individuals and societies. And what happens in private DOES affect society. I'm sure the peep who tried to get favors from me, had looked at pornography and developed such a messed up and desensitized appetite that he had to try and lure a little 11-year old girl into his car. I think a lot of the dangers lurking out there today for our children, are a result of immoral living. And that can include even more than sexual stuff, but I think the whole sex stuff is definitely out of control. Freaky.

So really, how do I keep my child(ren) safe? It's so scary to me at times. It's so overwhelming, and daunting. I don't want Sophia to ever feel like I did/do. I want her to be happy and love the wonderful person she is -inside and out. I don't want her little heart to ever be broken. Yet, I know one way or another hurt WILL come her way. And that really is not a thought I like to think about. It's just not for my faint little mother heart, who wants to personally beat up anyone who ever brings anything less than happiness to my child. So, how do we do it? How do we live and raise children in this world???? Really, how?

Nudity

I thought this was an interesting article that might promote some discussion since we've got both Europeans and Americans. And, since no one ever responds to the comments I post, I figured I need to either start the conversation or say something controversial. So, here you are:

What age is it okay for nudity? I've seen topless women in Europe just sunbathing in the park. And European guys tend to wear smaller swimsuits. I think Europeans (in general) may be much more comfortable with being naked than Americans. However, in the states I notice more nudity in normal places, like shopping centers and the zoo (though I don't think I've ever noticed anyone topless at the zoo). And, I noticed while watching "Dancing for the Stars" on television that almost every female dancer is wearing a costume that looks like lingerie.
I have seen friends and family, here in America, cover up the private parts of an infant or 2 year old child in pictures they take. My European in laws tend to let their kids run around naked more, at least at home. In Europe, it seems that people, generally, are more tolerable of children running around naked. While in America (maybe just with Mormons) it seems like nudity is almost forbidden. I'm thinking that being hypersensitive to nudity when children are young and innocent probably hyper-sensitizes them to nudity when they are older. And since teens like to push their bounds, they'll be more prone to wear less wherever they go. Then again, it could just be due to the media. Though, if Europe and America tend to be bombarded with the same type of media, why do we see a difference in the amount of nudity found in every-day situations vs at the beach or in the park?

Correct Principles

Joseph Smith said something once like 'we teach them correct principles and then let them govern themselves' (I think it went something like that). I'm a big fan on that concept, and it's definitely how I want to raise my kids. I want them to understand true concepts and principles and then learn to apply them to the world and do their own thing. For example, I don't want to just say "no R-rated (or whatever rated) movies". I want them to learn what is good to watch and what is not, and then make choices based on that regardless of rating.

But just now in the shower I was actually thinking about teaching principles of modesty. I remembered how last summer a little girl (of 4 years) commented on me wearing an 'immodest' swim suit. It was a two-piece that covered everything but I guess maybe she was taught that two-piece swimsuit are immodest. I felt like an idiot. First of all because I tried very hard to find a modest swim suit, and secondly because it's really hard to find ANY kind of swim swear in my 'modest' cup size of H that isn't revealing in some way. This was my first two-piece, and the only piece I could find that I felt was fitting my body and being modest. And now I had this little girl declared me 'immodest'. I wasn't happy.

So I got thinking. I thought about whether it's effective to teach little kids that this piece or that piece is immodest. I'd be so embarrassed if Sophia at some point went up to someone telling them about their immodest clothes - that maybe aren't really immodest (because I don't think my swimwear was immodest at all). Last year in an ensign, Elder Nelson I think, defined modesty as behaving or dressing in a way that aims to draw attention of to ourselves and our bodies. I thought that was an interesting definition. He didn't talk about uncovered shoulders or two-piece swimsuits - he spoke of intentions. I love this definition. And just now I thought, I want to teach my children to develop a sense of modesty that has less to do with clothes and more with the actual principle of modesty. If I want them to cover up in some way I want them to understand why (and by why I'm not talking about 'because it's a commandment' or 'because Heavenly Father wants you to' or some other blank statement that doesn't explain WHY). I hope I can teach the principle and then have them succeed in applying them to their lives.

And since we're already talking about modesty, clothes and kids - I've never understood anyway why some cover little kids up like adults. For all I care they can even go naked. I don't see any immodesty in that. But if someone has a good argument why they should be all covered up (as in nothing sleeveless for example, or letting them play naked in a pool or stuff like that) I'd like to hear it. Unless it's the "teach them while they're young" argument. It doesn't fly for me because I can teach them from a young age what is modest at what age and why we should choose certain dress styles over others. While I think certain things are always inappropriate, I think others truly are age-dependent. How we dress, for me, is certainly age-relevant. For example, I think one big reason to cover up more at some point is the sexual attention you can create through clothing. But there is nothing sexual in a child's body (unless you're a nasty pedophile). So, they certainly wouldn't be drawing attention in any way with their bodies.

But I guess, in the end, all I want anyway is for my children to think for themselves and figure out what's 'right' and what's 'wrong' for them. And then go and do it. And not be worrying about what others do. I hope I can teach them that above all - that we don't worry about what other people do, but worry about our own actions.

Back to Sex

To move away from the nasty tick picture, and back to the topic of sexuality (which is such a fun topic), what do you think of this article? Do you think it would be better to make 'losses' in the 'no sex before marriage' department if we can cut teen pregnancies, abortions and STD's or should we keep trying to promote the 'whole package' (keep promoting abstinence to avoid premarital sex and all the pitfalls that come along with it). Or, what do you think is the problem that causes the differences between the US and Europe (maybe it's not sex ed etc. at all, but other underlying societal problems)? Here's the article link: http://advfy.nonprofitsoapbox.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=407&Itemid=177

My personal suspicion is that the difference lies in the level of religiosity. Since Europe is not due to religion, as morally opposed to premarital sex as more religious people are in the US, sexuality is handled differently, and when you're good and ready and feel mature enough, it's not a big deal to use contraceptives (birth control pills etc.). I would imagine that it's a bigger deal here, especially with families who don't want their kids to have sex (but maybe fail in promoting this successfully with their kids. I mean, don't most Christian churches teach marital sex only, and still most kids in those churches seems to have sex, with a few exceptions?). Just my thoughts...

Tell me what you think!

The Line - Let's Talk about Sex, Baby!

I've been wondering recently where to draw the line with books I am reading. This inner discussion has come up after I've been reading a bunch of books, all of them happening to have one or several rather graphic descriptions of sex in them. Now, it's not that I can't "handle" reading those things, but I find them usually quite inappropriate, morally questionable and most of the time very distracting in terms of literary quality. One of the books that really bothered me was 'The Time Traveler's Wife', which was just chuck full of descriptive sex scenes, and they weren't even nicely described. This book was supposed to contain a great love story, but I had a hard time finding it amongst all the lusty sex going on all the time. So, I have been thinking about where to draw the line...and decided if I wouldn't watch it, maybe I shouldn't read it. The Time Traveler's Wife certainly included lots of scenes, that, if they were depicted as described in a movie would make me blush, and look away in shame.

Now, some of you might find this rather prudish and silly, but I have real issues with the media, and I think books are also powerful tools of media. Some people seem to wonder why we deal with certain problems in society, why guys do this or that, or why so many marriages fall apart etc. While I doubt that the media is solely responsible, I think they have a big part in the problems we deal with today, except I think we are to blame as well for bad media we allow into our lives. For those who aren't sure that the media has a hurtful influence, here are some research findings for you (that have made me the media doubter and criticizer that I am). P.S. I am just randomly putting out research facts in no particular order. All the studies were compiled in a book called The American Paradox by David G. Myers, a famous US social psychologist:

• Network programs offer about 3 violent acts per hour and 6 times as many during children's Saturday morning program.
• In 73% of violent scenes, aggressors go unpunished, in 58% the victim is shown to not experience pain, in children's programs only 5% of violence is shown to have consequences, 2/3 of violence is depicted as funny.
• Research shows that in reality most intercourse occurs among married people, but on TV and in movies most sexual acts are between non-married people.
• During average prime hours, the 3 majors networks offer approx. 15 sexual acts, words and innuendos - 1 every 4 minutes, and nearly all involve unmarried people with little concern for birth control or STD's.
• Neil Malamuth and James Check from the University of Manitoba showed men two non-sexual movies and other men saw a movie in which a man sexually overcame a woman. 1 week later when surveyed those who saw the film with mild sexual violence were more accepting of violence against women. Pornography use shows the same results.
  
• Men shown movies like The Texas Chain Saw Massacre not only become desensitized to brutality, but are more likely to view rape victims unsympathetically.
• In several experiments, viewing beautiful, passionate people has dampened appreciation for normal or real-life partners.
• In one study men, when shown a photo of a potential date - an average-looking young woman - those who had just been watching a TV program starring three beautiful women, rated the date as less attractive than those who hadn't watched TV. Likewise, men who had recently been gazing at centerfolds, rated average women or even their own wives/partners as less attractive.
• Viewing pornographic films simulating passionate sex also decreases satisfaction with one's own partner.
• For women, after viewing pornography, 42 % felt bad about their bodies, 1/3 felt sexually inadequate.
• As people heavily exposed to televised crime see the world as a more dangerous place, so people heavily exposed to pornography or sexually oriented films see the world as more sexual.
• Sexually explicit videos may be used to demonstrate variety and prime love-making. The benefit may, however, come at a price of heightened sexual expectations, which eventually increase dissatisfaction. Thus, one price of inflated expectations, of our mates and ourselves, is deflated satisfactions, which contribute to the increase in marital unhappiness and divorce.
• By nearly a 2 to 1 margin, Americans during the 1980's felt that sexual materials provide an outlet for bottled-up impulses. However, sexually explicit material are aphrodisiacs; they feed sexual fantasies that fuel a variety of sexual behaviors. In the hours after watching erotic films, people become more likely to engage in masturbation and intercourse. Moreover, studies show increases in frequency of sexual conversations, sex fantasies, sexual desire, and sexual dreams.
  

I could go on and on regarding all the negative impact sexually explicit media has on us, and violent media has as well. It's like we are saturating our minds with things that in the right way are beautiful, edifying, strengthening, binding and uplifting. But the way it's fed to us, it just destroys us. And we keep taking it in with out further question or ado. I hate it, and I don't want to be part of it. I don't want it for my kids.

I know there will always be people who think I'm too uptight about this, and that just a little of this or that doesn't do any damage, or that things aren't as bad. But I don't believe it. I just think we are already so desensitized that just a little nudity, suggestion of sex, or very brief sex scenes are simply not that bad anymore to us. Of course it isn't - not when you have seen 10 times worse already. But then, how silly to claim that a little bit of toxin isn't bad because it's not a lot...it's still a toxic! So, I have to draw a line, somewhere, somehow. I am not always sure where I should draw it, and when. But it will be done, somehow.

So, for the last doubters, here's a quote from Ted Bundy (a serial rapist and killer):

" The most damaging kind of pornography involve sexual violence. Like an addiction, you keep craving something that is harder, harder, something, which, which gives you a greater sense of excitement. Until you reach a point where the pornography only goes so far, you reach that jumping off point where you begin to wonder if maybe actually doing it would give you that which is beyond just reading it or looking at it."

Let it be known...

that I, Fran Patterson, vehemently oppose pornography. It's bad. Period. People can say what they want, but its negative effects have been proven, scientifically, and also through "trial and error" (meaning the way it's being used today, and how it gets people addicted ruining families, careers, lifes).

I read an article on www.ksl.com, a Utah news website. It reported on a little girl getting fondled by a stranger in a Target store. Those articles always come with a forum, where you can comment on the article/issue. Sometimes I like to get involved in a debate on those forums. Well, a lady mentioned that often times those perverts start their sick careers with pornography, which, lo and behold, has been proven scientifically. So, she asked what we are going to do to stop the spread of sexual crimes. What will we do about pornography, was her question. Well, the comments that followed were sadsadsad to me. I was the only one agreeing with her that pornography was a problem. In making our case, we were called prudes, who are probably fat, ugly, unsatisfied, angry, bitter etc. Pornography was described as edutainement, both fun and educational. It was presented as a natural way to spice up life, your sex life, that it doesn't objectify, or just minimally, and that it's normal to check out other men/women and to appreciate their bodies/sexuality and blablablabla...

I was shocked. I don't know why, but I was and still am. It's amazing to me how much people would defend porn, a material that has been proven to be more addictive than even drugs (because it appears that breaking a porn viewing habit is harder than quitting drugs). I just can't believe it. It's wasn't even about me pushing any morals on there. I just mentioned that many studies have shown that porn has severe negative effects, and so maybe it should be regulated more. People were screaming bloody murder for me to make such claims.

I don't know what to say...except, I'm shocked. And concerned that something that so obviously destroys our societies, our relationships, our peace of mind, something really deadly to personal happiness is embraced with such eagerness. Scary. And sad.

So, even if I'll the the sole voice out there, I will stand by it: pornography is not good. It's bad. It's destructive. It's addictive. And I will not tolerate it.